Teach children to take both victory and defeat with equal grace.
‘Competition, Competing, Competitive’ – these words are constantly all around us and our children. In this context, the closing minute of a TV child genius contest, was a very revealing moment. Before the final round, the quiz master quoted Kipling, who referred to victory as well as loss, both, as ‘imposters’. A gentle reminder, that indeed, whatever the stakes, it is playing a good game rather than winning and losing that is of importance.
These are not just words, they are a principal to live by, if we are not to turn our children into constantly anxious, unhappy people with low self-esteem.
Once it became clear who the winner, the first runner-up and the second runner-up was, it also became clear how each child and parent handled their victory/loss. The boy who was declared India’s Child Genius, had a quiet smile on his face. His parents came up to him, hugged him and shook his hands. Neither he nor his parents were overly jubilant or excited; they wore their victory well. It appeared as if they would not have been totally crestfallen or destroyed if the result had been different.
The boy who came third too, though he had lost in a neck-to-neck competition, smiled cheerfully and accepted his trophy gracefully; his parents looked happy too. It was the boy who came second – the first runner up – who seemed not able to handle the situation at all. Looking crushed and crestfallen, he was unable to muster the courage or poise to look up or to congratulate the winner. More sadly, he seemed unable to, even for a moment, feel any kind of satisfaction at having made it so far ahead in the race. His parents too, rushed on to stage with grim, unsmiling faces, and had to literally prop his chin up and force him to hold up the trophy. For those moments, he did not seem like a child at all, but a grieving adult – and this, in spite of having a trophy in his hand. How ironic. Here was a child who had proved himself, round after round, and yet, all he could now see was the loss, looming large over everything else.
We need to learn and teach our children how to, at all times, keep a perspective on winning and losing. Of course victory is sweet. But loss comes with so many more wonderful lessons: the knowledge that you gave it your best shot; an awareness of the areas in which you can prepare better next time; and finally, the grace to accept that someone else has simply done a better job than you, at that moment. Neither victory nor defeat are a reflection of your core abilities, your innate talent, or your self-worth.
This is not just something we just say as words of consolation to the loser. It is a truth that will serve us and our children throughout life. Along with feeding their knowledge base, we simply have to strengthen their emotional core. Or else we risk bringing up a generation of anxiety-ridden people with shaky self-esteem that can be snatched from them with just the ring of a quiz contest buzzer.