Handling a raging toddler is every parent’s nightmare; some strategies are essential.
Many parents of small children are bewildered and exhausted when faced with their child’s temper tantrums.
While the child may be sweet and well-behaved in public, it seems as if she reserves her worst behaviour for the mother, when they are alone. At the slightest delay in providing her with what she has asked for, like a toy, or water to drink, she flies into a rage, starts screaming and may even hit and lash out at the mother.
This is one of those infamous ‘meltdowns’ as they are called. They can really leave a parent completely exhausted and frustrated too.
To deal with these temper tantrums and baby fits, first, rule out any physical problem that may be at the root of this behaviour. Your paediatrician will be able to guide you on this – a few investigations for any specific deficiencies or syndromes that can prompt rages of this sort. Once you’ve ruled out any of these, you’ve got your work cut out for you.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for the temper tantrum. As many parents say, they manage the situation with a ‘bag of tricks’. Many parents in this situation have tried everything - including calmly discussing things, time outs, and, pointlessly, even yelling back and threatening. Finally, they arrive at a few ‘gambits’ for different occasions; and are able to reduce the tantrums.
Parents try a variety of strategies. A whole lot of parents say that they anticipate what may trigger a tantrum and try to redirect their child’s attention so as to head off an oncoming fit. Some say that in the beginning stages of a fit but before the child has gotten himself really worked up, you scoop him up on your lap, gently rock him, and acknowledge how he is feeling. He inevitably begins to calm down, and in a matter of minutes is fine.
Both these strategies work most times, but the weakness in this system is that children are quick to see that you’re being appeasing and they can refuse to be distracted and have a tantrum anyway. Then what do you do?
Many parents give their screaming child a timeout – scooping him up and putting him in another room (but please, no locking into bathrooms, etc). Many prefer to simply leave the room themselves and thereby not engage with the fit-throwing child at all. That way, it becomes rapidly clear to the child that screaming and whining are the ways she can be sure to not get what she wants.
While handling tantrums is one thing, reducing their occurrence is even more important. Parents are often tempted to completely give in to the tantrum, thereby getting instant calm to prevail, but in a way rewarding the awful behaviour and ensuring that there will be more to come! The other shaky strategy is to battle it out with the child, which may ultimately get her to stop but takes a huge emotional toll of the parent, the child and the entire household.
Either ways, you are being manipulated by your child, and there’s no long-term good that’s going to come out of that. The bottomline then is to set limits. A tantruming child is testing you to the hilt and so setting limits is something you must urgently do. Setting limits is for her as well as yourself. For instance, you could draw the line at hitting. Once she begins hitting out, it’s your cue to leave the room and not interact with her at all.
Simply switch-off on her when she throws a tantrum. Leave the room, or busy yourself with something, and just don’t get drawn into interacting with her at all. If your child sees that she’s not getting a rise out of you, then she will quieten down. The less importance you attach to your child’s tantrums, the fewer you should see.
Don’t get into a reward-punishment cycle when it comes to tantrums. By saying “today if you don’t throw a tantrum I will give you this” or “today you don’t get to go to the park because you had a fit” – you’re giving the tantrum too much importance, and treating it like the kid’s currency. Simply become ‘unavailable’ to your child either physically or emotionally when she takes off. And you could see some results. It needs strong nerves!