Learning to apologize as well as to forgive, is an important life skill.
So many of us have yet not acquired the simple skill of saying we’re sorry, even in adulthood. Contrary to what some people think, and most children at first believe, apologizing is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you are a bad person. It is, in fact, a sign of strength. It is a demonstration that you have the moral fibre to identify your own mistake, and the courage to express this to whoever you have wronged or hurt.
Teaching a child to say sorry involves a complex set of responses on the part of a parent. It involves teaching your child to be empathetic: Which means, learning to put himself in the shoes of the person who he has hurt. Few kids before the age of five are able to imagine how someone else feels. This emotional skill has to be fostered by the parent.
Helping a child learn to admit when a mistake or inappropriate action occurs is an important part of developing a child’s character, and preparing children to relate to others. How do we teach this rather abstract, but essential social skill?
Like most other skills, one teaches by example. When your kids see adults within the family offering a genuine apology, or making amends for a mistake or error, this goes a long way. Also, saying sorry to your child for forgetting to do something for him, or for wrongly mistrusting her, or for losing your temper in a completely uncalled for way…makes both you and your child better people.
When your child does something hurtful to someone else or to you, spell out that you are hurt, rather than angry. If you merely show anger, your child is bound to be afraid to apologize, for fear of being stamped ‘guilty’, and may feel obliged to steadfastly refuse to accept his mistake, leave alone apologize.
Once you have shown that your child’s action has hurt you, and that an apology is called for, let your child ‘feel the heat’ of your reaction. Demonstrate that you are hurt and that there is something that he can do to change the situation. Do not demand an apology; rather, create an atmosphere where apologizing becomes the most genuine, natural and appropriate thing for him to do.
With older children, once your child does apologize, show sincere appreciation, but don’t rush to suddenly change the mood, the minute sorry has been said. Remain with the sobering mood for a while. This does not mean that you remain hurt and upset and unforgiving. It only means that you avoid teaching your children to merely use the word sorry glibly, like some magic button, so that they learn the true nature of a genuine apology.
Be careful not to rob your child of her pride and dignity, when you insist that she apologizes to you or to someone else. There is no point in making a scene or a public spectacle out of it. Some of us think that this will teach our kids a lesson ‘once and for all’. All this does is to teach them to avoid being caught the next time, and to see apologizing as a humiliating and avoidable act.
Teach children to apologize as well as to accept apologies gracefully. If they have been wronged or slighted in some way, and you or another person offers a sincere apology, children are at times tempted to “milk” the situation by remaining angry and hurt. Demonstrate to them how pleasant and ‘complete’ the situation is, once an apology has been made and has been accepted. In short, teach them to forgive with grace too.
Teaching a child to make a genuine apology is a layered lesson. It teaches kids that goodness means, not only doing the right thing, but knowing what is the right thing to do after wrong behaviour.