Confide in your children with caution; it may be too much of a burden for them.
“My daughter is my best friend. I can confide all my joys and hopes, and fears in her now,” says the mother of a 13-year-old girl. As children grow and understand the more complex emotional and social issues of family life, it becomes easier for parents and children to become ‘friends’. Children can be consulted on many family decisions, minor as well as major. It is indeed a wonderful feeling when your young child brings his or her new, fresh perspective to a discussion – be it about where to vacation, what colour to paint the home, what charity to get involved with, or how to sort out an awkward family situation.
However, a word of caution: keep some boundaries. Do not turn your children into your confidants and problem-solvers. Beyond a point, it becomes a strain on their young minds and lives.
Family issues/problems usually revolve around: relationships, money, illness, and the like. Many parents ask: “Shouldn’t our youngsters be given an idea of the reality around them, about family/financial problems? Doesn’t this make them better people, to grow in empathy, and to take responsibility?”
The answer to that is yes, but a qualified yes. Of course your adolescent or teenaged children should have a realistic picture about their parents’ financial situation, relationships, health, and such matters. However, they do not need to know every detail. This is because they are not adults, and cannot fully handle them on an adult level. And when they are called upon by us to do so, it requires them to draw too heavily on their mental and emotional resources, for which they are not yet equipped.
Drawing children into the intimate personal problems and conflicts between parents, or between parents and other adults in the family, should be avoided as far as possible. Constant references to loans, financial burdens, expenses, inflation, your savings/retirement plans, and the like do not serve really to give your youngster any real picture. Such conversations only serve to create anxiety. While you can expect your children to know and understand broader issues involved, try not to burden them with excessive details.
When it comes to inter-personal issues, while you may keep your child informed about important decisions, or points of disagreements in the family on a certain matter, never ask him or her to arbitrate or intervene between you and your spouse, or you and your in-laws, etc. This puts a grossly unfair burden on the child, forcing him or her into the lanes and byways of the adult world, for which he or she is not yet prepared. Having to contend with issues at this level only causes confusion, anxiety and even depression in children.
Unfortunately, many of us tend to ‘lean’ on our children in this way. Whether you are a single parent or a two-parent family or a joint family, you need other adults to talk to and seek advice from when it comes to your own anxieties or dilemmas. Your children can be taught to be understanding, empathetic and responsible; but for this they do not need to shoulder the burdens of the adult world.