Pointing to other children as ‘good examples’ serves no purpose – it only belittles your child.
Too many parents point out to other siblings, or other children, or their own childhood, when they want their child to improve or change. So often a parent will say: “Look at your younger sister – she never needs to be reminded to pack her bag for tomorrow,” or “She never fusses about food,”…and other such examples. This may be your genuine reading, and also quite a puzzle to you – why does one child do certain things easily and the other need so much coaxing and prodding and bullying, you ask yourself. However, it is of little use when trying to get the other child to listen and behave.
Most children react to comparisons with some ‘defence mechanism’, such as ignoring what you’re saying, or coming up with a sullen and unreasonable response like: “Well she does it because she’s stupid” or “Because she’s a goody-goody”. So, in fact, your comparison has not only not worked, it has pushed the child further away from what you want him to do. Moreover, this could cause unhealthy rivalry between your kids.
When you compare a child with one of his friends or classmates, this too makes the child feel inadequate and resentful. “Why can’t you be more like Sumit?” you ask your child in frustration sometimes, pointing out to some good quality in his friend. However much he likes his friends, this kind of comparison makes your child take defensive positions and perhaps come up with a list of ‘bad’ things that Sumit does. Or your child, stung by such a remark, will then come up with a long list of good things that he himself does (which Sumit never ever does), which you don’t ever appreciate! Now the conversation has got emotionally derailed, and you are simply not able to get your point across.
As for the line “When I was your age I would always tidy the dining table/come first/eat well/study hard…” you can be sure that your children, most times, stop listening after the first five words!
While we may tell ourselves that we make such comparisons so that our child sees a positive example, the fact is that it almost never works that way. Comparisons of this kind don’t work well, because they simply don’t motivate. They judge, they find the child not measuring up, and they are left at that unhappy and rather hopeless note.
Of course we need to pull up our children at times and set them standards. But it is always much more positive and effective to compare a child with his own potential. When you say – “Look at how well you tidy up your room when you put your mind to it,” or “Remember how polite and friendly you used to be till a few months ago?” – your child gets a positive mental image of himself, an example that he knows he has the potential to follow.
Your son or daughter simply has to feel that they are valued for themselves, as unique individuals who each have special qualities and talents. Only a genuine recognition of these qualities will motivate them to aspire to and realize their own potential. More importantly, only this kind of recognition and appreciation will ensure that they are willing to listen and be receptive to correction and suggestions for improvement from you.
“Comparisons are odious” it is said. Which means that comparing one thing to another, or for that matter, one child to another, is pointless - it robs the compared person of his or her core dignity, value and worth.