KATE’S HEARTBEAT was long in returning to normal. Pulling in deep breaths, she stared at the ceiling as she dragged her fingernails gently over Jake’s back. His body warmed her, his scent excited her, but she could only think about one thing.
God, what have I done?
Sex with her boss was a recipe for disaster. But that wasn’t what had her fighting back tears. No, the true horror simmered just below the surface, bubbling up trying to break through.
She stopped her exploration as panic washed over her. She had to get out of there.
“Jake, please.”
“Sorry.” He rolled off, his hand running down her body as he did. “I didn’t mean to squish you.”
She scooted off the bed, then crawled along the floor, gathering her clothes in a mad rush and hoping Jake would just let her leave.
“Kate? What are you doing?”
So much for hope. “I have to go.”
The mattress creaked. Had he gotten off the bed or simply sat up? She couldn’t look. If she did, she’d fall into his arms again.
“I’ll see you later.” She fled the room, pulling articles of clothing on as she hurried down the stairs.
Please don’t follow me.
He didn’t.
Part of her was relieved. The other part, the girly, romantic part, was disappointed he’d let her go so easily.
Reaching the ground floor, she stopped. If only she had the strength to hop over the back fence like Jake often did. Instead, she had to settle for running out the front door and across to her house for the whole neighborhood to see.
Once she was safely inside her home, the dam burst. She sank to the couch, sobbing into her hands.
“William, my love. Please don’t hate me.”
Sex between her and William had been loving, tender, often passionate—but never so animalistic. But, oh Lord, the way Jake had dominated her… the way she’d been so crazed herself…
Horrified gasps shook her body as memories of all the liberties she’d allowed Jake nearly suffocated her. She wrapped her arms around her middle, rocking back and forth, trying to picture William’s face. “He wasn’t better than you, sweetheart. I swear he wasn’t better than you.”
Was William watching from Heaven? Would he wonder why she’d never reacted that way with him? Clawing at his back and screaming so hard her throat hurt?
Kate’s sobs subsided as the clock rang ten. She had to get on with her nightly routine, had to force herself to go upstairs and face William smiling from behind glass.
Squaring her shoulders, she headed for the steps to her room. She managed to shower without looking at the picture sitting on her nightstand. Her hair needed tending, but William’s photo beckoned.
Sorrow formed a weight in her chest, but she gave up resisting and turned to the bed. The ringing of the doorbell stopped her. Kate gripped the lapels of her robe. She knew who was on her doorstep.
Jake.
The girly romantic part sat up straight and smoothed down her hair. The sensible part wanted to hide.
Should she just ignore him? Let him figure out on his own she didn’t want to see him right now?
But she couldn’t do that. He’d done nothing wrong.
Maybe this whole sordid romp was a good thing. They’d gotten it out of their systems. The desperate need was satisfied.
That thought lasted as long as it took her to open the door. He stood there, hands braced on either side of the doorjamb, his jaw set in a determined line.
“I need to know if I owe you an apology.”
Kate stood aside and gestured for him to enter. He faced her, but she couldn’t meet his eye.
He wanted an answer.
She took the precious seconds to close and latch the door to concoct a response. In the end, honesty prevailed. “No, you don’t.”
“Good, because you weren’t going to get one.”
She let out a humorless laugh. “Well, that’s blunt.”
“It’s also the truth. To apologize would imply I have regrets, and I don’t. Not one.” Hooking a finger under her chin, he coaxed her to look at him. “I need to know if you have any.”
Did she? If given the chance, would she go back to when they were playing that game and leave before Jake tossed her over his shoulder?
Would she wish it all away?
Guilt demanded she say yes. But her heart refused such a lie.
“No.” Her meek voice made her cringe. She hated being vulnerable in front of anyone.
“Kate, talk to me.”
“I just feel like...”
“You’re being eaten alive with guilt?”
To hear her thoughts spoken for her, that he somehow understood how she felt, was the key to open the floodgates again. “Yes.”
She lowered her face to his shoulder, crying over the turmoil raging inside her. Holding her firmly in his embrace, he led her to the family room and sat her on the sofa. She snatched a tissue from the box sitting on her coffee table.
Jake sat beside her and took her hand. “Shortly, after my family—” He stopped when his voice cracked and cleared his throat. “After the fire, Carol and I went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. As soon as we got there, she headed for the beach. I stayed behind in our hotel room and sat on the bed, staring at the beautiful view from our window, and wept.”
“Why?”
“How could I come to this paradise and have fun while my family lay dead? Why hadn’t I died with them? How could I enjoy myself? I felt like a horrible human being for visiting one of the most beautiful places on earth, knowing they never could.”
“I’m so sorry.” Her fingers squeezed his.
He caught her gaze, his red-rimmed eyes trying to convey something she didn’t understand. “It took me a long time to realize they’d be really pissed at me if I stopped living just because they had. After a while, I learned to cherish all the wonderful things life had to offer. I did it for them.”
“So you’re saying I should get over the guilt.” Great, yet another person telling her how to feel.
“No.”
Her head jerked up, startled. “You’re not?”
“No one can instruct you on how to grieve, Kate. It’s something you have to do on your own.”
This was why he hadn’t followed her from his room to convince her to stay with him. Because he knew she needed time to herself, time to face the initial impact of what had happened between them. Then he showed up, ready and willing to help her through it.
Her knight.
For the first time in almost four years, she wasn’t a grieving widow, but a woman. A sexy, desirable woman.
Jake made her feel alive, but he also understood.
She needed him. Just for a little while, she’d allow herself to be a woman again.
Kate focused on his eyes and saw the ache there, the wisdom far too painful for someone so young. Cupping the back of his head, she leaned forward and brushed her lips over his. He angled toward her, placing his hands at her waist, and swept his tongue over hers.
Scooting closer, she dropped her palms to his chest, to his pounding heart. Jake wasn’t just some guy she’d picked up at a bar. She cared about him, and he her. With him there, she could think about their lovemaking and not feel anything but the delicious tingling she’d always experienced when she’d lie in her bed with him on her mind.
Her fingers grew bolder, searching for the hem of his T-shirt.
Jake sucked in his breath and yanked back. “I need to go.”
He stood, but she gripped his wrist. “No. Stay with me.”
“Damn it, Kate.” He squatted before her and brushed a stray tendril behind her ear. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to resist you?”
One hand tightened on his wrist as the other stroked up and down his arm. “Before what we shared was intense, carnal.” Her eyes captured his. “Incredible.”
His breath hitched, pupils dilating. “Yes,” he whispered.
“Now I want to make love.”
Even after everything they’d shared, his face still turned an adorable shade of pink at her request. But in contrast, he snatched her from the sofa, pulling her against him as he covered her lips with his in a slow sensual kiss that made her toes curl.
Yes, this was what she wanted to feel. Not the grief or the guilt, but the joy of being a lover.
Taking Jake by the hand, she led him up the stairs, knowing he wouldn’t make the decision himself—to take her to the bed she’d shared with William. But she had to, needed to. Even if these were the only moments she and Jake laid together, she wanted a new memory, a happy one, of the last time she shared her bed with a man.
Hesitating for only a second, she walked through the doorway and headed over to her side of the bed. She turned to Jake and lifted her lips toward his, an invitation he eagerly accepted as he tugged at the belt at her waist. The robe puddled to the floor. Jake’s clothes quickly followed.
With his face buried in her neck, he lowered her to the sheets. Heat sprinted though her body. The throbbing ache had been satisfied only a few hours ago, yet it burned as hot as the first time she’d kissed him.
Kate sought his lips. With him captured in a passionate kiss, she walked her fingers over the top of her nightstand until they touched the smooth wood of the picture frame. She laid it face down.
Some things she just wasn’t ready for.
***
The next morning, Jake’s internal alarm went off at six. He smiled at the sleeping woman beside him. A warm feeling filled him. Even in his detailed dreams, he couldn’t have imagined it would be like this.
Pushing aside the sheets, Jake headed for the bathroom. He glanced around, brows raised. A stall shower and Jacuzzi garden tub with brushed-bronze fixtures decorated with white and pale green marble. Not bad. William sure knew how to design.
He grimaced. Damn, why did he have to think about him?
William the Great. William the Perfect. William the Love of Kate’s Life.
William the Whole Man.
Just what he needed, to be jealous of a ghost.
Pushing his thoughts aside, he stepped into the shower. He wouldn’t think about Kate’s husband. That was then, and this was now.
He’d focus on the good things. The six weeks he and Kate enjoyed getting to know each other. The joy, so long absent from his life, thatshe’d brought back. The sexual tension, strong enough to break someone’s spine, culminating in the best fucking sex he’d ever had.
After he showered, Jake dried himself off and went back to bed. Scooting under the covers, he smoothed the soft blonde silk away from her face and kissed her cheek.
“Wake up, honey. It’s time for work.” God, how many mornings had he longed to say those words to her?
Kate groaned and turned over, peeking at the bedside clock. “Are you out of your mind? I have another forty-five minutes.”
He chuckled. “Okay. I’m going home to change. You can sleep until I get back.”
She grunted something incoherent.
After pulling on last night’s clothes, Jake headed to the back door. The house was way too quiet. Even though he was used to the silence, it seemed out of place here. He missed the boys. Alex and Drew had become as much a part of his life as their mother had.
He hoped this was the beginning of something great. Something they could share for a little while before they both moved on. He just hoped he didn’t do something stupid to screw it up.
Like fall in love with her.