“I’m just so fucking pissed.” Garrick finally had enough silence, enough of the quiet compassion coming from Rain’s side of the car, to feel slightly human again, less of the burnt-out-hull feeling he’d had sitting on Linc’s porch. Still, though, he surprised himself by speaking, especially by acknowledging the feeling he’d been running from ever since the day before.
“Good.” Eyes on the road, Rain nodded sharply.
“Good?” That hadn’t been the response Garrick had expected from his hippie, free-spirited lover at all.
“Good. Be angry. You’ve been bottling stuff up far too long. It’s okay to let it out.”
“But you don’t need me unloading on you...” The long list of things he was mad about welled up in him again, making it hard to breathe let alone talk.
“Dude. That’s exactly what I’m here for. I can take it. Get mad.”
Garrick had a brief flash of himself as a young teen, and his mother telling him to stop being so dramatic and needy. No one needs your bad mood. Expressing emotions was not as easy or as cathartic as Rain made it sound. It was risky and more than a little scary. People counted on him to be fun and upbeat, not an emotional downer. But somehow the words refused to stay put any longer and came tumbling out.
“Insurance doesn’t want to pay for my current schedule of PT. Fucking sucks. They blindsided me with this BS yesterday. Apparently, there’s some question about ‘medical necessity’ given that my whole fucking team thinks this may be as good as it gets for me.”
“Ah.” Rain didn’t leap in with a quick suggestion that Garrick prove them wrong or pay out of pocket. Just that. Ah. And somehow that made Garrick madder.
“You’re not surprised. Hell. Does anyone think I can beat the odds anymore?”
“Do you?” Rain’s tone was thoughtful.
Oh, now that was uncalled for, putting it back on him like that, and Garrick made a frustrated growl.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s...the odds.” Just getting those words out stung like a scrape. “They’re small now. Most big improvements with spinal cord injuries happen in the first six months, some within the first year, and rarely more within eighteen months. Walking again, that was huge. I thought... I really believed after that that I could come the rest of the way back.”
“But now?” They were nearing town, same small streets Garrick had known his whole life, but they’d somehow never looked bleaker even with what looked to be a spectacular sunset looming.
“Time isn’t on my side,” he admitted. Whispering helped, like kids sharing ghost stories under the blankets, easier to speak his fears aloud. “My PT says I can still expect incremental progress. Incremental. That’s not going to be enough to get me back out there smoke jumping. I want to tell her to go to hell, that I will have that big breakthrough, run again. But...”
“Yeah?” Rain prodded when Garrick went silent again.
“There’s optimism and then there’s reality. And reality is what I haven’t wanted to face for months now. It’s easier to believe, really believe, down deep that I’m going to be different. The exception. The odds breaker. But at a certain point...” He swallowed hard, not sure he could continue.
“And that’s where the anger comes in,” Rain guessed. “You’re mad about having to confront those odds.”
“Yeah, exactly.” He exhaled hard. “I’m fucking pissed that all my hard work and belief hasn’t been enough. It’s so unfair.”
It was the first time he’d said that word aloud, and it banged its way out of his brain, seeming to echo through the small SUV. Unfair. Unfair. Unfair.
“It is,” Rain agreed as he turned down their street. “It’s entirely unfair.”
“Other people have it worse.” He tried to backpedal, but the anger was still there.
“It’s not the pain Olympics. Sure, other people have shitty deals too. Lots of unfairness to go around. But that doesn’t negate the fact that this is unfair and it does suck. You’re right. You worked hard. You had a good attitude. You did everything you were supposed to. Anyone else would be mad and sad and pissed off about the unfairness of it all.”
“I’m lucky to be alive.” God knew he’d had enough people telling him that over the past year.
“You can be lucky and grateful and still unlucky in this instance, in how the recovery odds worked out. You’re not getting what you wanted most. It’s understandable.”
“Well... I don’t know about that. I’ve got a good life. House. Family. Friends. You.”
“Me?” Rain sounded both surprised and pleased.
“Yeah, you. I mean, for now. But we’ve got a good thing going here and I don’t discount that.”
“I agree. It is pretty awesome. And you can have a good life and still be mad because you wanted to return to smoke jumping.”
“Yeah. I did. I really, really did.” His voice broke right as Rain pulled into his driveway. This. This was what he’d been running from. The heavy weight of failure. He’d tried and tried and it wasn’t going to be enough. People had been trying to tell him that for a while now and he simply hadn’t wanted to listen.
“I know.” Rain shut off the engine and grabbed Garrick’s hand, held it tight. And he didn’t speak, didn’t offer up platitudes or try to joke the heavy silence away. Just him. There. Holding on. And somehow that presence, that simple acceptance of his pain, undid him.
“In the pool yesterday, I kept thinking how I didn’t know that would be my last jump. I didn’t slow down, didn’t take a minute, didn’t know. I didn’t know what was coming. I didn’t know I’d miss it this much. Fuck.” He didn’t even realize he was crying until his hand came away wet when he scrubbed at his eyes.
“It sucks,” Rain agreed quietly, still squeezing his other hand. “It does, and I’d give anything for you to get to skydive again. I know how much your job meant to you. It’s okay to be sad at that loss. You take as much time as you need coming to terms with that.”
Stupid tears still falling, he nodded, unable to do anything other than cling to Rain’s hand and replay his favorite jumps in his mind. Free falls that lasted extra long. Stunts he’d done for fun and maneuvers he’d pulled off for work. Gorgeous vistas stretching out in front of him. Perfect landings. Let himself really miss it in a way he hadn’t before. Loss. That was what Rain had said, and that was what this was. A loss. One he wasn’t sure he was ever going to get over.
“We should go in,” he said at last when he trusted his voice not to fail him again. “Hell. I know it’s early, but all I want to do is go to bed.”
“All right. Let’s make that happen.” Releasing his hand, Rain made quick work of unloading Garrick’s chair and crutches. He handled greeting Cookie, immediately putting her on the leash and racing down the driveway. “Back in a flash.”
And he was, returning when Garrick was still sitting on the side of the bed, not having gotten any further than taking his shoes off. He could hear Rain making sure Cookie had food and water and then he was there in the bedroom, crawling up behind Garrick.
“You don’t have to stay. I know what I said earlier, but...” Sighing heavily, he studied his hands. “I’m a major drag tonight. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. And you weren’t wrong about my maybe needing a pain pill after all that walking. Can’t mix that with...you know. And not exactly in the mood for fooling around anyway.”
“Garrick.” Rain wrapped him up in a hug from behind, one of Garrick’s favorite things that he did, pressing himself all along Garrick’s back. “I’m not staying for sex. I’m staying for you.”
“Why?” The word came out way more plaintive than he’d intended.
“Because we’re friends. And I care about you a lot. You said you didn’t want to be alone, and I don’t want you alone either. I’m staying because I think you could use a friend right now, even if you don’t want to talk anymore. I can simply hang out, make you some of those vegan brownies you like, fetch the pain meds. Whatever you need.”
“This.” He leaned into the hug. “I need this. Feel like I don’t deserve you though.”
“Hush.” Rain kissed the side of his neck. “You’re having a rough time. You’re allowed some bad days.”
“Don’t want to be...needy.” His mom’s complaint echoed again.
“You? You’re the least needy person I know.” Rain laughed. “Let me take care of you, okay? You know how you’re always talking about liking to spoil me.”
“Not doing a very good job of that tonight,” he grumbled, but he still didn’t pull away from Rain’s steadying embrace.
“Well, let me try for once. Okay?”
“Well, if it involves brownies...” He managed something of a laugh. “But not yet, okay? I...this right here. This is good.”
“Yeah, it is. And I’m here for it. Here for you. As long as you need.” Giving him another soft kiss, Rain helped him out of the nice shirt he’d worn for the party. By the time Rain joined him under the covers, both of them in their underwear, he was so weary and wrung out that he was close to tears again. Which Rain seemed to recognize, holding him close as Garrick continued to wonder who he was in a world where he could no longer count on being able to touch the sky.
Rain woke up with a stiff neck and a warm body pressed against his. The sore muscle was understandable—he’d fallen asleep in a weird position on Garrick’s shoulder and apparently never found his own side of the bed. But the warm body, now that was a nice bonus, worth a pinched nerve or two, especially since it came with a hard cock pushing against his hip. Not that Rain was going to assume that it was an invitation, not after last night’s emotional bender, but he also was only human and couldn’t deny it was a turn-on, being wrapped up by Garrick’s bigger body.
“Mmmph.” Garrick made a cute little huffing noise into Rain’s hair, holding him closer before dropping a kiss below his ear. “You awake?”
“Am now.” Rain had to chuckle. Outside the light was still faint, but they’d fallen asleep pretty darn early. “You having a hard time staying asleep? Need something?”
“I’ve been up awhile, watching you and Cookie sleep. You’re both adorable, by the way. And neither of you moved an inch when I went and showered.”
“Did you now?” Rain stretched, figuring his chances of getting lucky were getting higher by the second. Garrick smelled like he’d taken the time to shave and a quick brush of his jaw confirmed that. And his breath was minty, as if he’d brushed his teeth too. If he’d done all that, odds were good that he might have taken a pill, not that Rain was going to ask. This was too lovely of a wakeup to risk ruining by embarrassing Garrick, who could still be touchy about the meds.
“Uh-huh. Couldn’t stay asleep any longer. My body’s rarely been one to need crazy amounts of sleep. And someone was being all sweet, using me as a body pillow.” He snaked an arm down Rain’s front, more deliberately seductive than when he hadn’t been sure Rain was awake. And Rain honestly wasn’t that surprised that Garrick wanted sex—it was a natural reset button after the past few days. Sex was a great equalizer like that and Rain had used it for similar purposes in the past, so he was happy to be that sort of distraction for Garrick.
“I am pretty cute.” He bumped his ass backward. “You planning on doing anything about it?”
“Maybe. It’s early. Cookie’s still snoozing.”
“Well, by all means. If the dog approves...”
Garrick’s answering chuckle confirmed that this sort of light banter was what he was after that morning. Later there would be plenty of time to talk more seriously with him, but if he needed easy and sexy, then Rain could be that too. He rolled slightly, intending to end up face-to-face, but Garrick caught him up in a bear hug as he turned, using the momentum to wind up flat on his back, Rain stretched out on top of him.
“This okay?” Rain’s weight was more fully on Garrick than usual.
“Pretty sure that should be my question.” Garrick’s eyes sparkled up at Rain. “This is awesome. And goes along with a sexy thought I had in the shower.”
“Mmm. Tell me.”
“Easier to show you.” Shoving his hands down the back of Rain’s underwear, Garrick grinned, all sinful promise and playful energy. It was a fairly boring pair of underwear as far as Rain’s collection went—silky sky blue boy-cut shorts—but Garrick didn’t seem to care as he growled low and massaged Rain’s ass.
Eager to be skin to skin, Rain happily helped by wriggling as Garrick pushed the fabric down. The scrap of fabric fluttered to the floor as Garrick pulled him tight, cocks dragging together. Rain barely had time to appreciate the sensation before Garrick’s mouth found his. His lips were hot and urgent, and Rain loved him like this, all demanding and cocky, sure in his ability to drive Rain out of his mind.
Kissing him was like a hit of top-quality espresso—warm and smooth with an undeniable kick that revved him up like nothing else. Tasting like mint and rising need, Garrick used his tongue to fuck his way into Rain’s mouth, setting a driving pace that had Rain moving insistently against him. Every thrust of his hips had their cocks rubbing together, delicious friction.
“Lean up.”
“Am I hurting you?” Rain struggled to sit up quickly.
“Only in the best way possible. Wanted to do this.” Garrick wrapped his big fist around both their cocks at once.
“Fuck yeah. Lube?”
Not having to stretch that far, Garrick grabbed it from the nightstand. “Your wish is my command.”
“Can my wish also be for more kisses?” Curling forward, he tried to give Garrick space to move his hand, but still coming in close to claim another kiss.
“Of course.” Like magic, Garrick raised the head of the bed, which made the kissing a lot easier. Their tongues tangled as Garrick slid his slick grip up and down their shafts.
“God. So good.” Rather than add his hand to Garrick’s efforts, Rain used the opportunity to stroke Garrick’s shoulders and arms, loving how that made him groan more. It was a simple pleasure, making out and rubbing off like this, but the emotions churning inside him were anything but ordinary. Big. Expansive. Like his heart could scarcely hold all of what he was feeling for this man.
Somehow, the day before had drawn them closer together, like they’d forged their way through battle together, stronger for confronting Garrick’s dragon-sized fears and loss. And it didn’t hurt that Garrick kissed him as if he were the center of the universe, all his attention zeroed in on Rain. His free hand roamed everywhere—Rain’s hair, his chest, arms, waist—leaving little sparks of electricity in its wake.
“That’s it.” Garrick’s head tipped back as he groaned. “Fuck, you feel so good.”
“You’re the one with magic hands.” Laughing, Rain claimed another of those toe-curling, planet-moving kisses until it seemed the very gravity in the room shifted, something bigger than themselves holding them together.
“Damn.” With glassy eyes and slack mouth, Garrick looked as awestruck as Rain felt. “Kiss me like that again.”
“This?” Pushing Garrick back against the bed, he held on tight to his upper arms and shoulders as he kissed Garrick with everything he had, every big feeling, every scary thought, every intense sensation all funneled back into the kiss. Garrick’s hand sped up on their cocks, but still Rain kept kissing him until finally Garrick broke away, breathing hard.
“Fuck. Love that pressure. Feels like you’re going to leave marks.”
“Sorry—”
“No, you’re not.” Garrick laughed wickedly. “And I love it. Want more. Mark me all you want.”
Still grinning mischievously, Garrick did something new with his hand—tighter grip, twistier stroke, something—that had Rain not sure how much longer he could hold out himself. It was so good—the kissing, the touching, Garrick’s voice, the press of their hard cocks together—all of it making his balls tighten and his abs tremble.
“Not...fair. Damn it. Too close.”
“It’s okay, baby. Want you to come.” Garrick accelerated his efforts right as he stole another kiss, the insistent thrust of his tongue enough to get Rain perilously close to the edge.
“Gonna...”
“Do it.”
Rain’s climax was barreling into him, full steam ahead, but hell if he wasn’t going to try to get Garrick there too. Dipping his head, he sucked hard at the spot where Garrick’s neck and shoulder met while his hands gripped his biceps firmly.
“Oh fuck. Me too. Me too.” Garrick panted and shook as Rain finally lost the battle with holding back his own orgasm, coming all over Garrick’s fist. Triumph mingled with pleasure as his consciousness gently floated back to earth, his head finding its favorite spot on Garrick’s shoulder.
“Did you...”
“Yeah. It’s weird when I don’t spurt like before, but trust me, feels good. Better than good. And getting you off...that’s everything to me.” Garrick kissed the top of Rain’s head.
“Excellent.” Rain gave a happy sigh and snuggled in closer while Garrick wiped off his fist. “I like making you happy. If me coming makes you happy, then count me as totally willing to take one for the team.”
“It does. And you do. You really, really do make me happy.” Garrick’s tone went from sex-drunk to more somber as he held Rain tight. “Thank you for yesterday. You were... That’s a real friend, being there for me like that.”
“Always.” He tried to echo the gravity in Garrick’s voice, heart beating faster, but he wasn’t able to crack a joke here either. He liked Garrick too much to not be honest, even if it was scary. “I... I want to be what you need. I care about you. A lot.”
“Thanks. And you are. I guess...maybe I simply needed to melt down. Grieve, silly as that sounds—”
“It’s not silly at all. It is a form of grief—you’re facing losing something really important to you.”
“Yeah. But this morning, waking up next to you, you still asleep and all cuddled up against me, my first thought was ‘I’m going to be okay.’ And I am. I’ve survived other disappointments before. I’ll survive this one too. And you being here, that helps.”
“Good.” Rain liked hearing that, both that he’d helped and that Garrick recognized that he’d get through this.
“Do you need to help your grandma today? I don’t want to monopolize your time—”
“Monopolize away. She’s at a craft fair in Sisters. I’m never gonna turn down more time with you.” Across the room, Cookie was finally stirring, which meant Rain would have to leave this cozy nest soon enough.
“Same. And I was thinking, there’s this long paved path over at the resort we could try with Cookie. Getting out, getting away from my head, that’s what I need. Then I can come back and worry about what to text Linc and Jacob.”
“Don’t dwell on that.” Rain sat up and gave him a stern look. “The only one you owe an explanation to is yourself. And for what it’s worth, I’m pretty damn impressed with you right now. Not that there’s one right way to cope with this, but you’re plowing ahead. That’s admirable. If your friends can’t see that you’re coping as best as you can, then that’s on them.”
“You’re pretty damn impressive yourself, you know?” Garrick stopped him when he would have left the bed, pulling him close again, tender expression in his eyes.
“Yeah.” But instead of preening, as they kissed, he felt anything but smart. He was losing his heart to this guy, risking a sort of heartache he wasn’t sure he’d ever had before. The thought of one day not having this was terrifying, but he seemed powerless to stop the surge of emotions that happened every time their lips met.