Plop. Garrick woke up to sixty-odd pounds of dog wiggling her way between Rain and him, interrupting a sexy dream and causing Rain to make a startled noise and roll away from Garrick.
“Cookie! I was having such a good dream too.” He shoved at her bulk but couldn’t move the stubborn beast. In the dream, everything had been back to normal between them, no big talk looming, no hard questions or lingering awkwardness, and he wouldn’t have minded staying in that happy, floaty place a little longer.
“Oh yeah?” Rain opened an eye. “Tell me about it?”
“It’d be more fun to show you, but I think someone isn’t going to let up until we take her o-u-t.”
Proving him right, Cookie wiggled, tail thumping against the mattress.
“I think she can spell now. Why couldn’t you rescue a dumb and lazy dog instead of this one who thinks she’s part rooster?” Sitting up, Rain stretched, covers pooling in his lap, and bare torso giving Garrick all sorts of ideas that he wasn’t going to be able to do anything about.
“I’ll start the coffee if you want to get dressed and find the leash.” Still in boxers from the night before, Garrick transferred to his chair.
Cookie leaped off the bed, racing out of the room.
“Damn. I think someone missed me.”
“She’s not the only one.” Garrick squeezed Rain’s bare ass as he passed.
“Good. Can I borrow a T-shirt? I think I’ve got shorts here somewhere.”
“Help yourself. We need to get you your own drawer.”
“Careful. I might go getting the idea you want to keep me around.”
“Hey.” Garrick pulled him into his lap. “I do want you around. A lot. I’m not offering to be nice or practical. I want you to keep stuff here. I want you here, as long as you want to stay. I fucked up in thinking I could let you go without it gutting me.”
“Yeah, well, walking away, that gutted me. I’ve done a ton of thinking since our fight, and you’re not the only one who fucked up, but I can’t deny that you hurt me when you pushed me away.”
“I’m sorry.” Chest aching, Garrick pressed a kiss to his neck. “I want you to trust me again. I want to do what it takes to get back to that place. I know it’s going to take time and probably some space too, but I’m willing to do whatever you need to regain that trust.”
“Thanks.” Rain dropped his head against Garrick’s shoulder briefly before Cookie was back, dragging the leash Garrick’s dad had left on the kitchen counter. “Okay, okay, silly dog. I’m getting dressed.”
He pushed off Garrick’s lap and went to rifle through the dresser. Garrick missed his closeness but was okay with a reprieve from the heavy talk.
“Not that I don’t miss your ponies, but I like seeing you in my shirt,” Garrick said a few minutes later when they were both dressed and in the kitchen, Rain in an old triathlon shirt over his own silver shorts.
“Okay, caveman.” Rain kissed the top of Garrick’s head, and for a moment at least, things between them were back to a light, easy place.
They set off toward the park at a fast clip, Cookie pulling Rain ahead and making conversation tough until they reached the pull-up obstacle along the park path.
“You don’t have to do a full workout,” he told Rain, who was eying the bar. “God knows you’ve been working hard the last week. Go easy on yourself.”
“Maybe I don’t want easy.” Frowning, Rain rattled off an impressive ten pull-ups before returning to Garrick and Cookie.
“What do you want?” It wasn’t lost on Garrick that he probably should have started with that question back during their initial argument. He’d made a lot of assumptions, assumptions his conversation with his dad had underscored, but now he was much less sure. More importantly, he was trying hard to not let his own fears get in the way of listening to Rain, actually trusting him, the way he wanted Rain to trust him as well.
“That’s a good question.” Rain walked farther, face creased as if he was thinking hard, before collapsing onto a bench near the sprinkler pad. “I know what everyone expects me to say—you included.”
“Maybe fuck others’ opinions. You’ve never let people stop you from doing what you want in other areas. And yeah, I’m guilty of assuming I knew best, but I’m willing to be wrong here.” Garrick parked next to him, letting Cookie flop at their feet.
“Good.” Rain’s mouth quirked, but his eyes stayed wary.
“Also, if it helps, I don’t think there’s an answer that’s necessarily a deal breaker for us as a couple—that’s the part I wasn’t seeing clearly before. It’s not all or nothing.”
“How do you figure? Seems to me like there’s a really clear choice—here versus there, you versus alone.” Rain kicked at a rock near the bench.
“Maybe we’re both thinking about this wrong. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. I meant what I said the other day—me and Cookie, we’ll wait for you, as long as it takes. Go, chase the opportunity. There’ll be a place here for you when the season ends.”
“You hate long distance.” Shrugging, Rain studied the opposite side of the park where two women were jogging, perfectly in step with each other, each footfall synchronized like a footwear ad. Why couldn’t he and Garrick find the conversational equivalent of that kind of synergy?
“Well, I didn’t say it would be easy. Or preferable. But it also doesn’t have to be a permanent state of affairs. There’s a universe where you get the job, love it, and maybe I come to you.” He’d been thinking about that option for days now, but saying it aloud for the first time, his pulse still sped up. “I’m not tied to the smoke jumping job anymore. Dispatch or fire admin type jobs are going to be easier to come by wherever you land next.”
“But you love it here. This is where you grew up. Your dad is here. It’s your home. You’ve got your dream bachelor pad.”
“You’re not wrong about loving it here. And it would be complicated to move, sure. And it’ll always be home, but I also don’t want it to be an excuse for not going for what I truly want.” Taking a deep breath, he took Rain’s hand, squeezed it. He could admit now that when he’d been younger, he’d clung a little hard to those excuses, and he wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. “And what I want is you. Us. A chance at a future. That’s why I mean it when I say that I’d follow you. If you need to go, I’m not going to be the thing stopping you, but I would like to be the person at your side for the ride.”
“Wow. That... You want me that much? To leave everything if that’s what I really wish?”
“That’s how much I need you, yes. Wanting you was never the issue. You were right when you said I was afraid you’d break my heart by leaving eventually no matter what. But you make me want to be brave on a lot of different levels. And part of that is admitting that maybe my dreams have changed.”
“Exactly.” Rain exhaled hard but didn’t pull his hand away. “That’s what I’ve been wrestling with. Trying to figure out how to explain precisely that. Dreams change. Like, maybe at the start of the summer I did want to make a hotshot crew. I wasn’t lying about that or about wanting an adventure, wherever the universe wanted to send me. But then the weeks passed, and working out became less about a ticket away from this place and more about spending time with you. I thought less and less about the job potential and more about us.”
“I like spending time with you too. Hey, you even got me knitting.” He laughed, then sobered because this was an important point. “But I want you to have everything you want—adventure included.”
“That’s the thing. I always thought I’d have to go away to find the perfect adventure. Away from the cohousing community where I grew up. Away from Portland when the right situation didn’t materialize there. Away from here because I was bored at first with nothing to do. But the more I think about the future, the more it seems like maybe staying—like actually putting down roots somewhere—that might be its own sort of adventure.”
“I don’t disagree, but you’re twenty-three. I’m not saying you’re wrong or trying to say I know your heart better, but settling down...that’s a big decision. It’s taken me a lot of years to get to that point myself.”
“Maybe not all of us are on the same timeline.” Rain gave him an arch look, and okay, Garrick could be honest with himself now that maybe Lisa leaving had been more of mutual thing, neither of them truly ready for that kind of commitment. He’d had a lot of growing up and maturing left to do to get to this new place where he could handle the sort of relationship and feelings that came with caring for someone as deeply as he did Rain.
“Point taken. But even if you don’t need as many years as I did to figure out what you truly want, it’s okay to want to have fun and follow your whims and take different risks and gain unique experiences. There’s nothing wrong with your drive for adventure, even if that leads away from here.”
A group of birds flew up from beyond the basketball courts, heading out for parts unknown. Hard as it was to picture a life away from this place, what Garrick wanted most of all was for Rain to have the opportunity to truly grow and flourish, find his wings, whatever that ended up looking like for him.
“And if it doesn’t? If it leads me right back here? Maybe I had it wrong all along, and my dreams don’t have to all be about thrill seeking and adrenaline rushes.”
“You’d be passing up a great opportunity though. That’s not nothing.” The birds circled back around, playing now, dancing in the early morning air.
“It would be a risk, sure, but so is going.” Now Rain was the one to squeeze Garrick’s hand, holding on tight. “What if what I’ve been searching for has been right here all along? Do I really need to spend another year or five learning that before we both trust it? Waste all that time?”
Huh. This wasn’t the response Garrick had spent all week anticipating. He didn’t want to try to talk Rain out of conclusions he’d reached when he’d said he’d listen and trust Rain to know his own mind, but he also didn’t want to be too fast in taking Rain up on the staying option. Taking a breath, he pulled Rain a little closer.
“Trust me, I know better than most how life can change in an instant. And I don’t want to waste time either. And the worst thing for me wouldn’t be leaving this place. It would be missing out on my chance to have you. Yeah, there’s still that possibility that maybe someday you’ll go and not take me with you, but I want to at least be open to going, to compromising, to not simply letting you walk away and take my heart with you. Because that much is a given—you’ve got my whole heart now, no matter what.”
Nodding solemnly, Rain swallowed audibly, holding Garrick’s hand that much tighter. “And if I believe you care that much, can you believe me when I say that I don’t want to put you in that position? Not right now. Can you trust me enough to let me stay?”
“That’s really what you want? No hotshot crew?” The pair of joggers were back, circling the path, not quite so in sync, but laughing at each other, clearly having a great time. Maybe that mattered more than how in step they’d been earlier. Garrick spared them a smile as they passed.
“My crew here needs me. Our boss is gonna be out awhile recovering from a mild heart attack. Bosler needs me on the radio. Yeah, maybe the work isn’t the most exciting a lot of days. But I want to see the summer through. You asked me what I want, and that’s what I want. To stay. Space, like you said, but not from you. Space to figure out what’s next for me. When the boss got ill, all I kept dwelling on was how I never got my EMT certification when I had the chance. I want to think more about my path forward, how I can best help people and also meet my own needs.”
“That sounds really wise. Mature. You don’t need all the answers about your future right now.” As much as Garrick wanted things settled with a clear plan, he had to admit that Rain’s more pragmatic plan had certain benefits too. “I only want a chance to be part of it with you, whatever you end up deciding.”
“So we’re not simply a fling?” Throwing Garrick’s words back at him, Rain raised an eyebrow.
“We never were. That was me being scared. And a jerk.” Rain’s emphatic nod made him laugh before continuing. “I honestly did think I was doing the right thing, but that’s not the best excuse. Next time, I’m going to listen more.”
“Good. And me too. I was...quick to assume the worst about you. I didn’t listen the best either.”
“I didn’t exactly make it easy. And this is me saying sorry and doing what you requested and asking you for more. Asking you to not settle for something less than the real relationship we both want and deserve.”
“I’m not going to. I want it all. That’s why I’m staying too—I know you cared enough to let me go and now you’re brave enough to offer to go away with me, but I want to stay. See what we have together. See if we can truly build a future together here.”
Woof. Having had enough of their stopping and talking, Cookie let out a series of barks along with a long-suffering look for them both.
“Cookie approves of my idea.” Rain leaned in and brushed a fast kiss over Garrick’s cheek.
“Can’t let Cookie down.” Giving Rain’s hand one last squeeze, Garrick took the brakes off his chair. “And I want that too. It’s frankly a little terrifying, but losing you would be way worse. So yeah, I’m willing to do what it takes to make that future happen.”
“Excellent.” Beaming at him, Rain pointed at the path ahead of them. “Race you to the next obstacle?”
“Always.” Laughing, Garrick wheeled hard as Rain and Cookie jogged alongside him. It might not always be this easy, and there was still an awful lot to work out, plenty of uncertainty, but at least they were together. They could deal with all the unexpected bumps and turns in the road as long as they had each other. He’d meant every scary word he’d managed to utter too. He cared about Rain, more than he ever had anyone else, and he was willing to do his part to make sure that they got the future they both wanted.