EPILOGUE
Rachel wasn’t herself. It was to be expected, of course, after what she’d been through, that she be withdrawn and introverted. But it still made my heart ache to have to watch her go through this and be powerless to do anything to make it stop. It didn’t help that suddenly every student at Ashmore wanted to be her best friend and that every news outlet in the country wanted her story. The poor thing just wanted to be left alone.
It helped somewhat when I changed our phone numbers and personal email addresses. But then Rachel got to the point where she wouldn’t leave the house, even to go get coffee or to take Nate outside to play. Nate noticed she was acting strangely and asked me what was wrong with his mommy. She lashed out at me when I offered to get her an appointment for counseling with a psychologist. I didn’t know what else to do, so I called Baxter.
He came over and brought pizza for dinner, which made him Nate’s new best buddy. I could see Rachel warming to Baxter as he played on the floor with Nate, and I had to fight to not warm to him, myself. We hadn’t revisited our relationship conversation, which was fine with me. But I couldn’t help thinking it was inevitable that it would come back up.
I put Nate in the bathtub in order for Baxter and Rachel to have some time alone to talk. From the hallway, I could hear them speaking quietly as they sat in the living room, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. It was really none of my business, and as long as Rachel was opening up, it was a step in the right direction. I was happy she was talking to someone who would understand what she’d gone through, and more importantly, who cared enough about us to want to help.
Once Baxter got up to leave, Rachel was in good enough spirits to take over wrestling Nate into bed. I got my coat and walked out the front door with Baxter.
“I don’t know what you said to her, but it helped. Thank you, Nick.”
“No problem. I hate that she’s got all this stuff to process. Unfortunately, it’s a long road. You have to be patient with her.”
I smiled. “You say that like you think I’m impatient.”
“You are.”
“Guilty.”
“What about you? Are you still going to your meetings?”
Nodding, I replied, “Yes. One week sober today.”
“I’m proud of you. That’s a big step.” He looked away. “Speaking of drinks, I heard you went out with Manetti a few days ago.”
I felt a chill, and it wasn’t from the cold night air. “I did.”
“And?”
I sighed. “And what? What do you want me to say?”
His face was stony. “I want you to tell me why you’ll date him, but not me.”
“It was one date, Nick. We’re not dating.”
He continued to stare at me.
Finally, I said, “Look, I don’t have to work with Manetti anymore. And I don’t even know if I like him…at all. It doesn’t matter if we crash and burn.”
His brow furrowed. “Are you saying you’ll only go out with men you don’t care about?”
“Well…it sounds bad when you put it like that, but…isn’t it easier that way? Then nobody gets hurt.”
“And you end up alone.”
“I’m not alone. I have my family.”
“What happens when Rachel finds a guy and goes off and gets married?”
I laughed. “Like that’ll last. She’s worse than I am at choosing men. Case in point, our dearly departed serial killer.”
He frowned and shook his head. “You refuse to let yourself be happy.”
“I refuse to get my heart broken. Big difference.”
“But the outcome is the same.” After regarding me for a moment, he backed away, saying, “I guess I’ll see you at work sometime.”
I felt a stab to my heart as I realized I was letting a good man get away. I couldn’t see it working out any other way, though. I knew his anger would fade, and he wouldn’t let it get in the way of our partnership. I could have chosen to stay away from the department and focus on my teaching career. Then I might have been able to bring myself to give it a shot with Baxter. But after having conquered my fears of not being strong enough to handle the tough cases, something inside me compelled me to dive back into law enforcement. I was no longer content to sit on the sidelines.