With our first preseason game tonight, we just had a morning skate today. The powers that be want me to head out so I can eat, nap and be ready for tonight’s game, but I need a few more minutes to myself.
I continue skating around in circles, absentmindedly, letting my thoughts wander however they want. The only place they’re going is to Lacy. And Sutton. And the years of their lives I’ve missed. What was my daughter like as a baby? Did she cry a lot? Did she smile? Did she have that weird baby scent women are always going on about?
I’m still so pissed at Morty for not telling me about Lacy’s emails. There’s so much I could have done, so many ways I could have been involved if he had just asked me if there was a chance I accidentally made a kid. I have no doubt I would have remembered her if he’d only said Lacy’s name so soon after our night together, because she is just dynamic.
She’s beautiful, yes, but she’s also a ball buster. She’s like a mama bear who gets shit done, but if you get in her way and she feels threatened, you better watch out. I like that. It’s a personality trait I’m wildly attracted to. I just wish I could remember if she was like that back then, too.
After several more minutes of hearing nothing but the sounds of my blades on the ice, maintenance finally has enough and gives me the evil eye. I know they have work to do to prepare for tonight’s game so I leave them to it.
The locker room is thankfully quiet and almost empty by the time I begin stripping off my gear. The quiet is probably why I hear my phone ding with a text.
Grabbing it out of my locker, I see that it’s Lacy giving me their address. I respond with a thumbs up, intending to start moving quickly so I can grab lunch and make it on time. But I accidentally scroll up and there it is, a picture of my daughter. Of Sutton. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Our goalie, Nicholas Williams suddenly comes around the corner. “What are you doing here?”
I shouldn’t be surprised to see him. He’s either the first one gone or the last one out, depending on the day, but even for him it’s unusually late.
“I was about to ask you the same thing.”
He grabs some runners from his locker and sits next to me, sliding off the Crocs he wears around the locker room. “Nothing much. Getting a little extra work done on my hips and knees today.”
“Your joints giving you trouble?” That could be bad news if our goalie is having flexibility issues before the season even starts.
“Nothing more than normal,” he says. “Just trying to stay on top of the pending arthritis I’m sure to have in my old age.”
I snicker. “As much as I try not to think about it, even I have to admit I’m not looking forward to all those athletic injuries coming back to haunt me in a few years.”
“It won’t be all bad. I’m already planning on an endorsement deal with some arthritis medication company in about forty years, so at least all the aches and pains will be worth some money.”
“I’ll be sure to take out some medical stock before then. I’m sure your pretty mug will make the value skyrocket.”
“Ah. You’re so good to me.” Nick isn’t just a damn good hockey player. He’s also so good looking, like startlingly so even to a guy like me, that multiple modeling agencies have put in tentative offers to sign him once he’s done with hockey. He calls it ridiculous and laughs it off, saying it would make him uncomfortable to “make love to a camera”. He’s probably right, but it can’t hurt having a plan B for retirement. Although it sounds like he already has one.
Looking back down at my phone, I remind myself I need to get moving. I don’t want to be late for my first meeting with Sutton. And yet, I find myself frozen to this seat.
“Cute kid,” Nick says. “Who is she?”
“My daughter.”
It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud, and it only makes it more real.
I have a three-year-old daughter named Sutton Rose. That just knocks the wind right out of me.
“I didn’t know you had a kid, man.”
“Neither did I.”
Nick freezes next to me, his vibe completely changing. I suspect I’m going to get a lot of that in the near future. “Uh… I feel like there’s a story here. Care to elaborate?”
I sigh and click my phone off, needing to get this off my chest. I haven’t told anyone about Sutton yet. Not even my mother.
Shit. I have to tell my mother.
One step at a time, Hayes. I’ll call her on my way out of here. If nothing else, I need to let her tell me she told me so about Morty.
“I fired my agent last night.”
“Wait, what does that have to do with having a kid?” Nick asks, and rightfully so. The story feels so convoluted, even to me. And I’m living it.
“Sutton’s mom, Sutton is my daughter.” He nods like he’s following. “She emailed my agent like a dozen times when she was pregnant. Morty blew her off. Never even asked me if it could be true.”
“Oh fuck,” Nick breathes.
“Exactly. Lacy didn’t have money for an attorney to sue me, so they ended up living in a car, and all this other stuff that I’m sure I don’t even know about.” I rub my hand over my face, still frustrated by the situation. “I missed the first three years of Sutton’s life because Morty thought it would be better if I didn’t know so it wouldn’t mess up my game. How fucked up is that?”
“Holy shit.” Nick’s expression mirrors what I’ve been feeling for days. It’s a mixture of disbelief and anger. Maybe a little fear swirling in there. Or maybe that part is just mine. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m going to meet her today though.” The thought brings a smile to my face.
“That’s good. Good first step. You nervous?”
I laugh in response because that’s the understatement of the year. “More nervous than stepping on the ice for a playoff game.”
“Also good.” He claps me on the shoulder and stands.
“Why?”
“It means you care. Not everyone does when they find out there’s a child out there that they made.”
“I don’t get how some guys have that reaction, you know? All I had to do was see her picture and it felt like my chest was ripped wide open. I have no idea how I’m going to feel once I actually see her for the first time.”
Nick shoves his keys in the pocket of his athletic pants and drops his Crocs in his locker. “It’ll be good. Just take it slow. I know how you are. You go in all guns ablazin’ and don’t hold back. Just remember that yes, you missed three years, but you have dozens more to go. Don’t force anything.”
I nod because that’s good advice. He’s right. I do tend to go full steam ahead when I want something. But this isn’t a something. This is a someone. I don’t want to scare her and I really don’t want to piss off her mom. Lacy’s a fighter and I’m sure that would include fighting me if necessary.
I am unimpressed.
The building they live in is old and looks dilapidated. There is dirt and weeds where grass should be. The gate around the property is completely useless and the sidewalk is buckling. And that’s just on the outside.
Inside, it smells faintly of urine and the carpet has holes worn in it, it’s that old.
This is not where my daughter should live. Hell, it’s not where anyone should live. I want to pack all their shit and move them out now, but one step at a time. First I need to get through this meeting without throwing up.
I knock on the door and wait. My back feels sweaty and I have to flap my arms to try and cool my pits. I’m so fucking nervous. I’m about to meet my daughter. My daughter for the first time. This is unreal.
The door finally opens and Lacy has a tight smile on her lips. I’m sure she’s just as nervous as I am, except for different reasons.
Looking down at the bags in my hands, she tilts her head to the side.
“What’s all this?”
“You said to bring lunch.” Did I misunderstand that part?
“How many people are you planning on feeding?”
“I eat a lot.”
She purses her lips at me and I cave.
“Fine. I wasn’t sure if the kids would be in the mood for quesadillas, so I got a few options. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have leftovers.”
Lacy waves me in and I briefly take in my surroundings before my eyes land on the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My daughter.
Her wavy, dirty-blond hair is down around her shoulder, part of it pulled back so I can see her face. The curls around her face make her look angelic. She looks at me with eyes that she definitely inherited from her mother. They’re dark and full of curiosity about the man standing in her living room.
All the breath leaves my lungs and I know the truth before any science lab can confirm it. This is my daughter, my child.
“Tucker?” Lacy says gently.
I blink my eyes a few times and clear the emotion trying to clog my throat.
“Sorry. Uh… where do you want me to put these?”
I glance up at the mother of my child who is smiling at me knowingly, tears in her own eyes. Although, I’m not sure if they’re from relief or fear. I guess either is possible.
“Let’s put them on the counter over here.”
We walk into the very small and dingy kitchen with a counter overlooking the living room. I place most of the bags on top and begin unloading all the food.
“I know you said they liked cheese quesadillas, but they also had a kid’s meal with chicken nuggets, and they had macaroni and cheese, and these mini corn dog bite things so I got two of each.”
“Why two?”
“Didn’t you say there are two kids?”
“Wait, you got some for Kody, too?”
“Well yeah. How shitty would it be to feed one kid and not the other? Plus, you said they call themselves twins so I didn’t want him to feel left out.”
Lacy gets a strange look on her face that I can’t quite decipher. Whatever it is, she’s definitely still scrutinizing me. “That was really nice of you, Tucker.”
“I’m generally a nice guy, Lacy,” I try to joke but I’m still a little too nervous to find myself funny. I dig in the bags a little more to distract myself from my jitters. “And here’s your queso.”
“Holy shit, you got me a large?”
“With extra chips.”
I pull out a gallon sized Ziplock bag filled with tortilla chips, making her laugh. I don’t think I’ve heard that sounds from her before but it makes my heart swell knowing I did that. She’s beautiful when she’s not smiling but when she does, she about knocks me over with how gorgeous she is.
For a split second, I feel a memory trying to reveal itself. I can’t make out anything, but I know how I feel. It’s like a glow in my chest, a sense of belonging. When Lacy takes the bag out of my hand and pulls it open, the memory quickly fades back into oblivion.
“So much food… this is a little over the top, don’t you think?” She pops a chip in her mouth.
I shrug, not sure how to even explain how I feel about all this. Nothing seems like too much right now. On the contrary, it all seems like it’s not nearly enough.
“You’ve spent the last three years, actually more than four years if you take your pregnancy into the equation, taking care of my daughter while I was living in a self-absorbed, oblivious world. Extra food is the least I can do.”
This time it’s Lacy who clears her throat. Something about the movement tries to trigger another memory I can’t quite grasp. Dammit. I really want to remember her from before.
“Well, it’s still a little early for lunch and they’re obviously curious about you.”
We look over to see two sets of eyes peering over the back of the couch.
Lacy giggles. “We don’t have many visitors, as you can tell. You want to meet them?”
I take another deep breath and roll my shoulders. “Yeah,” I croak out.
“Hey.” Lacy nudges me, forcing my attention on her. “It’s going to be okay. I’m just going to introduce you as my friend and we’ll see how it unfolds, okay? We’ve got lots of time.”
“That’s what Nick said.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just, a teammate I ran into today. Told him what was happening and he reminded me we’ve got years ahead of us to sort this out.”
“He’s right. Give her time to get to know you. To adjust. She’ll be okay.”
“It’s not her I’m worried about,” I mumble to myself. Not quietly enough apparently.
“You’ll be fine, too.” Lacy pats me on the arm, the shot of warmth like a salve to my racing emotions. “Just try not to barf on my carpet. It’s stained enough as it is.”
“No promises,” I joke.
In just a few steps, I’m standing in front of my daughter for the very first time. Looming over her is more like it. I knew kids were small but it feels like I’m a giant next to her. Once Lacy moves them out of the way so I can sit on the couch, I feel a little better. Maybe it’s because we’re able to make eye contact easier. I have no idea what to say, or how to even start.
Thankfully, Lacy seems to know exactly what to do and takes the lead. “Kiddos, this is my good friend Tucker Hayes. He brought us lunch. Can you say hi?”
“Hi,” the boy, Kody, if I’m remembering correctly, says shyly.
Sutton, on the other hand, doesn’t say anything. Just looks at me curiously.
“You know how we watch hockey on TV sometimes?” Lacy asks them, grabbing my attention.
“You watch hockey?” Now I’m curious.
Lacy shrugs. “It was the only connection to you we had.”
I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. This woman who was so furious at my absence still made sure my daughter knew at least part of me.
She turns back to the kids, maybe to give me a reprieve, maybe because she left them hanging. Either way, it gives me a second to pull myself together.
“Tucker plays hockey.”
“On TV?” A wide-eyed Kody looks like his mind is blown. Sutton is still just observing me.
Lacy laughs. “Yes. Tucker plays hockey on TV.”
That’s all Kody needs to hear before one of his toys distracts him, but Sutton is still watching me.
“Sutton, baby,” Lacy says gently. “What are you thinking about?”
My daughter holds out a ratty, stuffed wiener dog. “See my puppy?”
The sound of her voice makes me smile. It’s the first time I’ve heard her speak and I don’t know how to process it. Not only that, she asked me a question and is waiting for an answer. It’s such a small thing, but it feels huge in my world.
“That is a very cute puppy.” It doesn’t seem like I’ve said enough, like I should have some words of wisdom or something profound to tell her. Some way to let her know how much I love her, even though I just met her.
But for her, it’s apparently the right answer. “Ruff, ruff.” Sutton starts bouncing the dog up and down, moving closer to me until she’s standing right between my knees, jumping the dog up my legs and chest until it gives me a fake kiss.
Who knew a pretend kiss from a three-year-old’s ratty stuffed animal would be the best kiss of my life?
“Sutton,” Lacy says. “Why don’t you back up and give Tucker some room?”
“It’s okay,” I interject quickly, wishing I could get her closer, hug her, smooth down her hair, and feel her baby arms around me. But I remind myself to slow down. This is the first time we’re meeting. We have time. I don’t want to scare her off.
“I actually brought you something, Sutton.”
Ohmygod, I just said her name. And not just to myself so I can hear what it sounds like.
Her eyes light up and I feel like I’m on top of the world.
Yep. Thirty seconds and I’m already wrapped around her little finger. I’m in so much trouble. In the best way, of course. My mother warned me that would happen. Right after she yelled at me for being an idiot and hiring Morty against her advice. Then she demanded I text her a picture of her granddaughter, which I did immediately.
“Me, too?” Kody comes bounding over, not willing to miss out on present time. It makes me laugh.
“You, too,” I say with a smile. Reaching down next to the couch, I grab the bag Lacy didn’t notice when I first came in.
Knowing they’re exactly the same, I put my hand into the bag and pull out two boxes, giving one to each of them.
“Tucker,” Lacy breathes. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“I wanted to. I’ve got a lot of Christmases and birthdays to make up for.”
“Three. There were three.”
“Which makes six major events, plus Easter and Valentine’s Day. Flag Day…”
“Okay, okay.” She cuts me off with a laugh. “I get it. Your guilt is eating you alive.”
“Not guilt exactly. More disappointment than anything.”
Lacy furrows her brow as she looks at me, observing me with the same expression Sutton had just moments ago. “You really are sad you didn’t know, aren’t you?”
“I don’t think I could ever explain to you how much. I didn’t even realize this part of my heart was missing until you showed me that picture.”
A squeal from one of the kids makes us table our side conversation.
“Mama! Look! Legos!!” Sutton yells.
“Oh boy…” Lacy deadpans. “Legos.”
“What? What did I do wrong?”
The kids seem excited. Isn’t that what was supposed to happen?
“It was a great idea…”
My heart sinks. “Oh crap. I’ve already failed at parenting.”
“No, no!” Lacy says quickly. “They’ll grow into them. They’re just still too small for their age. Choking hazard.”
I throw my hands over my face. “Ohmygod, I almost killed them already.”
Lacy tries to pull my hands away but I’m stronger than she is. “No you didn’t. I’ll just put them away for now. They’ll be surprised for the second time when I pull them out of the closet. When they’re like six.”
“Oh man. Why didn’t anyone tell me three is too young for Legos?”
“I mean, it says right there on the box they’re for ages eight and up.”
I pick up one of the boxes that’s already been dropped on the floor, the kids too busy staring at the picture on the present Kody is still holding. Sure enough, right there in bright letters it says, “Ages 8+”.
“I have no idea how I can see everything on the ice from a distance, and I missed this glaring warning sign right in front of my face.”
“It happens. And the idea was really nice. Just know, for their age, there are bigger blocks that fit their hands. You just have to find the right aisle for them.”
“I’ll be sure to ask for help next time. But…” I pull more stuff out of the bag, glad I have a backup plan. “That wasn’t the only present. Hey guys, why don’t you give Lacy the Legos so you can open this box, too.”
Lacy groans as she takes the death toys from the kids. “Seriously, Tucker. You don’t need to spoil them. They’re going to like you even without gifts.”
“Yeah, well, they’ll like me better with them.”
Sutton and Kody rip open the white boxes and pull out matching jerseys, the official brand from our pro shop.
“Me and Kody is twins again!” Sutton yells and they begin jumping up and down, possibly more excited about matching than what they’ll be wearing.
Lacy takes the jersey out of Sutton’s hands and pulls it over her tiny body. Then she sees the name on the back.
“Jerseys with your name and number? Really?”
I shrug. “I got them something useful. They can wear them on game nights and be twins again.”
“Well thank you. That was really thoughtful. We’ll make them our official hockey wearing shirts.”
“You need one too, Mama! Then we can be three twins!”
“And my mommy, too,” Kody interjects. “Four twins!”
“Oh goodie. Quadruplets,” Lacy says sarcastically.
That gives me an idea of what to bring next time.
“Don’t worry kids. I got you covered.” They each jump up for a high five while Lacy slaps a palm over her face.
“You’re never going to stop spoiling them, are you?”
I shake my head. “Not ever. Be prepared. I plan to give her the world.”
Because nothing is too good for my daughter. And no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.