The kids were sad to see Tucker leave for another extended road trip, but they were the only ones. I’m happy to have the space.
After the debacle that was our Thanksgiving party, I need the time to get my nerves under control and figure out how we’re going to make this work. I knew learning to co-parent was going to be difficult, but I had no idea how little Tucker actually knows about raising kids.
He has no sense of how to keep them safe and healthy. Even worse, as much as he loves them, it’s like he hasn’t figured out how to make them a priority. He’s still stuck in some of his bachelor ways and that is a huge problem.
I will give him credit for having the love part down. He seems to enjoy pre-bedtime snuggles and is always willing to get down on the floor and play with the kids. And my biggest pet peeve that probably isn’t doing as much damage as I fear—he spoils them. If Sutton said she wanted a pony, I guarantee Mr. Ed would be hanging out in our backyard by morning.
That’s how we ended up with this huge, white Christmas tree set up next to the fireplace that is unusable because it’s too hot outside. One of the kids, I’m not sure which one, brought up Santa last night and the conversation spiraled into making sure they have a house decorated in as much Christmas spirit as possible.
I woke up after Tucker had left, and this monstrosity was already here, boxes of decorations scattered around the room for us to use. The kids are delighted. Me, not so much.
“You are such a sourpuss,” Ellie says as she drags another box over so we can open it and see what treasure is inside.
I don’t bother reaching for it, knowing she’s leaving for work in a few minutes and I’ll end up doing the whole thing. Might as well rest up.
“I am not. I’m just not a huge decorator and you’re leaving. I’m not excited to do this all by myself.”
“You’re not by yourself. You have them.” She gestures to the kids who are decorating each other with tinsel. “Okay so maybe you’ll end up doing this by yourself.”
“We’re going to find tinsel everywhere for months, aren’t we?”
Ellie tries to rip open the box but only gets about halfway before the world’s most indestructible tape stops her progress. “It’s worth it for that moment, right there.” She gestures her head as she continues to struggle.
I sigh. “I suppose you’re right.”
Finally abandoning the box, which still isn’t open, Ellie settles in next to me and puts her feet up on the coffee table. “What a difference a year can make, huh? Last year we had that tiny, beat up old tree reminiscent of Charlie Brown’s Christmas, and this year,” she waves her hand in the general direction of the very full fake fir tree. “This is what we get to gather around.”
“Seems like a lot of things have changed over the last year. Really everything has. Not that it’s bad. It’s just… fast.”
“I can’t believe you finally quit your job,” she muses. “Took you long enough.”
That is an understatement. The minute Tucker presented me with the child support papers, I knew my options had opened up and I wasn’t sure what to do with that. Not only did it seem too good to be true, but I was so deeply intrenched in the panic of going without, it took a while to realize we’re not living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore. We’re not even living child support check to child support check. With just the last two payments, I’ve set aside enough to pay for a year’s worth of rent and utilities in a good apartment in a decent neighborhood. And my next payment should be here by next week.
It's mind boggling.
But it also made me finally wrap my brain around the fact that I’m now in a position to reach for my dreams and I need to take advantage of that. To show Sutton how to take opportunities you’ve been given and run with them. To work smarter, not harder.
I’m working on that last one. The guilt I feel when Ellie goes to work is still there. But slowly I’m coming to recognize that by taking advantage of my opportunity, I’ve been able to give her breathing room, too. Remembering that helps keep the remorse at bay.
“I just need to figure out what I want to do now.” I wrap a strand of hair around my finger and check out my split ends as the kids throw tinsel on the tree instead of each other. “I’m trying to allow myself time to rest and get my head on straight, but I’m not used to sitting around. I need to figure something out soon.”
“So no idea about school yet?”
“I might have an idea. I just need to weigh the pros and cons first.”
Ellie pats my thigh and pushes up from the couch. “That’s your assignment for tonight. Registration for next semester starts soon, so you need to make a decision.”
“Yes, Mom,” I joke but of course Ellie runs with it.
“Good girl.” Reaching down, she kisses both kids on the top of the head. “I have to go to work but I’ll be back later, okay?”
“Awww,” Kody pouts but isn’t too distressed. Not that he ever is, but that tree is a huge distraction for him. He and Sutton give his mom a quick hug around the legs and back to the tinsel they go. That one big silver blob at the front of the tree is going to look amazing.
Ellie grabs her keys, kisses me on the top of the head too, and calls, “See ya,” over her shoulder as she heads toward the garage where her car is parked.
Yes, she gets her own space, but with a five-car garage, there’s room. The kids aren’t the only ones who are spoiled.
Taking a deep breath, I force a burst of energy through me. “Okay guys.” I stand up and begin looking through the boxes. “Let’s see what kind of decorations we have.”
I’m not sure where everything came from, but every box is full of Christmas balls and icicles and ribbon, all in shades of silver and blue. It reminds me more of something you’d see on display at a fancy hotel than like a family tree.
The kids get even more excited by all the shiny things and after about three seconds of hesitation, I show them how to hang some of the fancy silver balls on the branches. They pick up the instructions pretty quickly, but I have to show them how to spread things around because they seem to want to use the same branch every time. I don’t mind. It gives the tree some character. And if this is going to be a family Christmas, the tree can still be pretty, but we’re going to glam it down a little.
I’m rifling through boxes, pulling out packages and opening what I want when the doorbell rings.
That’s weird. I wonder if Tucker is expecting another package.
I carefully step through the maze of decorations and packing material to go to the door.
“Okay you heathens, you can keep putting up the silver balls, but be careful.”
Not surprising, they ignore me.
Finally free of bubble wrap and box dividers, I don’t bother to peek out the window before swinging the door wide open.
Standing in front of me, is the last person I expected to see.
“Muriel?”
My heart starts beating fast, my breathing picking up.
Could it be? Is it really my baby sister standing in front of me?
She smiles tentatively, tears shining in her eyes. “Hi Lacy.”
I launch myself into her arms, crying and stroking her hair as we cling to each other. She looks the same as I remember, with her long dark blond hair and crystal brown eyes, but any last remnants of baby fat have fallen off. She feels different than the last time I hugged her too, no longer a lanky teenager but a woman.
We stay like that for who knows how long before I finally pull away, wiping the tears off my cheeks while they continue streaming down hers.
“Are you really here?” I look her up and down, still not convinced she’s not an apparition. “I mean you are. But how did you get here? How did you track me down?”
She wipes at her eyes, and I marvel at how much they look like mine. I’d forgotten. “I went to your last known address and asked around. It didn’t take long for someone to spill that they saw you leaving with this hockey star. Your neighbors may have kept to themselves at that apartment, but they knew a whole lot of gossip.”
I huff out a watery laugh and sniffle. “Come in, come in.” I pull her inside, keeping one hand on her arm so I don’t have to stop touching her. We spent eighteen years sharing a bedroom. Having her here feels like reattaching a part of me. “The kids and I are decorating the tree. Badly, but we’re making some progress.”
Muriel stops and looks at me, eyes wide. “She’s here? My niece? I get to meet her?”
The gravity of this moment hits me full force. This will be the first time someone in my biological family meets my daughter. And she came here willingly to do so.
I pull my sister close again, still unable to believe that this is happening. “Of course you do. Sutton’s going to love you.” I grab her hands and tug her with me. “Come on.”
The living room looks exactly like I left it—in complete and utter chaos. But the kids are giggling and almost all the silver balls are hanging on the lower portion of the tree, so progress.
“Hey kids. Sutton. Kody.” It takes a few times of saying their names before they finally stop ignoring me. “Look who’s here.”
Tearing their gaze away from all the shiny things, I can see the gears turning in their brains.
Kody is the one to break first. “Who this?”
“This is your Aunt Muriel.”
I hold my breath as they look skeptically at her. Eventually though, Sutton reaches down to pick up her stuffed dog that was forgotten on the floor in all the excitement this morning.
Holding it up, she says, “See my puppy?”
“I do,” Muriel responds, her eyes shining as she gazes at my daughter. “It’s a very nice puppy.”
Sutton’s nod indicates that was the right answer, but it doesn’t change the fact that the kids are still less interested in yet another adult in their lives and more interested in decorating. Which is fine. Muriel and I have a lot to talk about anyway.
Tossing boxes out of the way, I make a path to the couch.
“Come have a seat. Oh my gosh, I still can’t believe you’re here,” I breathe. My whole body feels like it’s vibrating from the excitement. I’ve missed Muriel so much.
“Lacy?”
“Hmm?” I look up to see her still staring at the toddlers.
“Do you have twins?”
“Oh.” I laugh lightly. “No. That’s our friend Kody. He lives in the pool house with his mom, my best friend, so they think they’re twins. We stopped trying to correct them a while ago, so just go with it.”
“Oh. Okay.” Muriel continues to watch them, likely absorbing every giggle, every frown, every lightbulb moment they have. Her expression seems to match what I’m feeling.
I’m so sad she’s missed the first three years of Sutton’s life, but I’m filled with such joy that she’s here now. That she’s back. That she’s here to be a part of our lives. I think.
How long is she here for? Is this just a quick trip? Do Mom and Dad even know she’s in Tampa? How soon does she have to leave? The questions start infiltrating my mind.
Patting her arm, I lean back on the couch. “Tell me how things are. Really. What’s been going on with you for the last few years?”
She finally pulls her gaze away from the kids to look at me. “Well, college was hard.”
“How so?”
She hesitates and I already know I’m going to cringe at her answer.
“After you got pregnant, Dad got even more strict than he was before.”
“Oh no.” I close my eyes, feeling the guilt of being the one that ruined it for her. Or at least, my actions being the catalyst.
“Yeah. He was determined that I wouldn’t go down the same path.”
“The sinful slut I was, and all that.”
Muriel looks back and forth between me and the kids, eyes wide, and I don’t have to be a psychic to know what she’s thinking.
I take a quick peek at them, making sure they aren’t trying to climb the tree because Kody probably would, and wave my sister off. “Don’t worry. They won’t pick up on the word slut. They hear way worse than that.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’m not a perfect parent, but I try to let things that don’t matter in the long run go. I don’t want her to feel smothered like we were. Speaking of, so Dad pulled back what little reins you already had when you went off to school?”
She nods. “Remember Nosy Rosy? From church?”
Do I ever. She was the biggest tattletale. No one could stand being around her because she always told our parents what we were up to, even if it wasn’t bad. Nothing was secret around her. Not even when the pastor forgot to wash his hands after using the restroom one time. He never made that mistake again.
“Don’t tell me they made you start hanging out with her.”
“Worse. They made her my dorm roommate for the entire four years of college.”
I groan and pinch between my eyes. “Oh no. Oh Muriel, I’m so sorry. Were you just miserable?”
“Yes and no. It was hard at first because I was so looking forward to having some freedom, to come and go as I pleased, so it was stifling. Basically like living at home except with someone else cooking.”
“But?”
“But someone, and I’m not sure who, convinced Rosy to go to a party one night and from then on, I rarely saw her.”
I bark out a stunned laugh. “She what, just became a party animal?”
Muriel shrugs. “That’s the only thing I can figure. I didn’t try to track her down and ask or anything. All I know is she stopped caring what I was doing, and I was fine with that.”
“I wish I could say I’m surprised, but it always seems to happen that way, right?”
“I guess. I mean, by the time she flew the coop or whatever I was already up to my eyeballs with upper-level classes and an internship so it didn’t make much of a difference. But still, I’m glad to finally be done and free of that threat.”
Pride swells in my chest. My baby sister is a college graduate. She’s already accomplished things I still have on my list. She’s done so well.
I reach out to touch her again because I can’t stop making sure she’s really here. “I’m so proud of you. What was your major? And what are you doing now? Are you just here for a couple days or what?”
“Actually, I moved here.”
My jaw drops open. “Here?” She nods. “To Tampa.”
She nods again, this time biting back a smile. “I have a marketing degree so I’m on the hunt for a job in that arena. But this is where I want to be. Closer to you. And my niece.”
My hands cover my mouth, trying to hold in the overwhelming emotion I feel. “Really?”
“Of course. I’ve missed you so much and I want a relationship with you and Sutton. That’s her name right? Sutton?”
“Yes. But what about Mom and Dad? Aren’t they mad?”
“Of course they are.” She says it so nonchalantly, I have to wonder if they know she’s here, but don’t know she’s here. In my house. “They wanted me to graduate and go straight home to be married off to some awful parishioner who spouts off about having a relationship with God, but has a closet addiction to child porn. I didn’t even remotely want that.”
Sadly, she tells the truth. More than one of our church friends did exactly that. Some of them were barely out of high school before getting married and popping out babies. Sometimes I wonder if we were actually raised in a cult, albeit not a well-run one.
“But what are they going to do?” Muriel continues. “College is over and I saved almost every penny from the job I had so I could have a little nest egg while I job hunted. I don’t need them to front the bill anymore. They can be part of my life or not. That’s up to them. The boys already cut me off, but no surprise there.”
It makes me sad to know our brothers have given up on both of us. When we were young, I thought they hung the moon. They were our protectors and our playmates. Now, they’re strangers who put ideology before people. I hate that. And I hate that my sister gave up the whole family willingly for me. For us.
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” I ask. “There’s still time to make it right. I’m sure they’d take you back if you lived anywhere else except here.”
“I have made it right, Lacy. I’m showing them that they’re wrong. You don’t cut people out of your life when they make a mistake, not that Sutton is a mistake. But for all the rules and regulations they like to teach regarding religion, they’re missing the part about grace and compassion. I don’t want anything to do with that.”
I grab my sister’s hand, grateful that she loves me so much, she’s willing to make a stand. I only wish my parents could see how much damage they have done to our family, but I doubt that will ever happen.
“Anyway.” Muriel slaps her hands on her knees, clearly wanting to move on from such a difficult topic. “Need help decorating?”
“Absolutely!”
We spend the rest of the day and well into the evening decorating, cleaning up behind ourselves and just enjoying each other’s company. My heart swells as I watch my baby sister get to know my baby girl and see how much Muriel falls in love with the love of my life.
I feel another wall in my heart come tumbling down.