— Chapter 9 —

SAME-SEX COUPLES

There has been a sea change in attitude towards lesbian and gay adopters in the adoption world in the last decade.

Fifteen years ago, lesbian and gay couples struggled to find an adoption agency that would assess them and then had to struggle again for selection. The 2005 Adoption and Children Act changed all that when it gave lesbian and gay couples the same rights as straight couples.

As a result, in the past ten years the number of children adopted annually by lesbian and gay couples has dramatically risen; there are now three times as many children being adopted by the lesbian and gay community. Social attitudes have also changed and social workers now generally recognize the special value of lesbian and gay adopters, significantly their ‘openness to difference’ which equips them for supporting a child with a sense of difference – something common to all adoptees.

One of the other major pluses is their empathy with anyone who has suffered wrongful rejection and their understanding of the social challenges faced by a member of any minority group. They also decide to adopt for very different reasons. For many gay and lesbian couples, adoption is a first choice as it enables couples to be equal partners in terms of their relationship to the child or children who become their forever family.

This is completely different to the majority of heterosexual couples who turn to adoption as a second choice after years of infertility treatment and who first need to come to terms with a personal sense of loss, a problem few lesbian and gay couples face.

A recent Cambridge University study looking at the effectiveness of parenting by different types of adopters studied 41 gay father families, 40 lesbian mother families and 49 heterosexual parent families with an adopted child aged 3–9 years. The children’s teachers as well as the parents and the adoptee were interviewed. One of the most interesting findings was that the survey indicated more positive parental well-being and parenting in gay father families compared with heterosexual parent families. Gay couples generally were found to face fewer problems with their adopted children. ‘Parenting stress, rather than family type were found to be predictive of child externalizing problems,’ said the report, which was compiled under Professor Susan Golombok, director of the Family Research Centre at Cambridge University.5

But despite this positive research, lesbian and gay adopters do still face criticism by society at large. ‘I know some people think we should not adopt,’ said one gay father. ‘Many also think that single people shouldn’t be allowed to adopt either. In a perfect world I might agree with those who claim that a child would be best placed with a mum and a dad. But many birth children nowadays live with a single parent, or with permutations of mummies and daddies from relationship break-ups. The concept of family has evolved. Most importantly, in an ideal world there wouldn’t be any children in care.’

Another adopter says that it is time for more effort to be put into countering homophobia in society. ‘To give us the same rights and then not back that up with both literature and training, particularly in schools, is wrong,’ said writer and adopter Carolyn Robertson, who has written two children’s books for children of lesbian and gay families, Two Dads and Two Mums and a Menagerie.

Interestingly, she says that it is adoption that now defines her as a parent rather than being a lesbian:

Adopters today of all types and genders face many problems that other parents cannot even begin to really understand. We are all caring for a child that has been rejected and often a child that has been deeply traumatized by his or her early life. There is little understanding in schools or the wider world of how emotionally complex these children are.

Adoptees are already a misunderstood minority, my biggest concern is that by being the children of lesbian or gay parents, they are further misunderstood, isolated and ostracized because of ongoing homophobia within society.

The government has legislated in favour of giving LGBT parents the same rights in adoption as heterosexual adopters. It does not make sense to do that and not to back it up with legislation against homophobia in schools and within society generally.

Lesbian and gay adopters have set up their own self-help membership organization, New Family Social, which hosts an annual Adoption and Fostering Week to encourage more LGBT couples to consider adoption. It involves more than 60 adoption agencies with events held all over the UK. Their online forum discusses everything from being taken on as an adopter to the challenges of adoption itself. But the discussions ultimately resolve around the same problems that all adopters face. ‘Our children are all hurt and require the same therapeutic parenting to help them understand their feelings and behaviour,’ said Carolyn.

We both love motherhood

My wife and I got together 11 years ago and entered into a civil partnership four years ago. We always wanted to have children. We came to the decision that adoption was the best option. We approached a local authority in the North East and New Family Social (an LGBT adoption and fostering support charity). We’ve had friends who’ve approached local authorities and not had a good response, but our local authority was great.

We both love motherhood, it’s fantastic. Our son will make a wonderful big brother so we want to adopt again.

There are a lot of misconceptions. Some people think, ‘Because you’re gay you’ll only be able to adopt someone who’s disabled’, which is rubbish.

We knew when we were going into adoption that some people might have preconceived ideas. We knew we would have to break down some barriers – some with social workers – but we found the whole thing was fine. At panel we felt discrimination but not because we were a lesbian couple – it was against my wife’s disability. We found that difficult as we were fielding some questions that we thought were offensive.

Making the right match? – trust your instincts

My partner and I embarked on our adoption journey nine years ago. We had never wanted a baby as, quite honestly, nappies and sleepless nights are not something that I cared to even think about.

We went through our preparation course and assessment continually referring to our daughter, and in our heads we had a vision of a blonde-haired, petite mouse coming to live with us. If you asked me her age, I would have told you that she was between three and six years old.

After panel the hunt for our family began. Our local authority did not have anyone they considered a match so, unusually for 2006, we were immediately placed on the adoption register and advised to register for Children Who Wait – which of course we did.

The first edition of Children Who Wait arrived, and the strangest thing happened. We did not find ourselves drawn to any child that could resemble our daughter. It was a worry, as there were a number of girls we thought fitted the bill. We made no enquiries from the first edition, or the second. We found ourselves drawn to sibling groups, and we had never considered siblings before.

When we received profiles of children or Children Who Wait, we read them separately, so that we didn’t influence each other and could give each child our own amount of time. Writing it now, it sounds clinical; however, given that we were trying to make a decision that would affect us for the rest of our lives, we wanted to ensure we had a connection as individuals before discussing it as a couple.

After reading our third copy of Children Who Wait, when we got together there were three profiles we were interested in finding out more about. Top was a pair of brothers, who were seven and eight years old. Our social worker was due the same day, so we thought we would ask her for her opinion. We were in shock when she arrived with exactly the same list. None of the profiles we had chosen matched our original plan of having that little girl.

Gut instinct is a wonderful thing sometimes; there was something about the two older brothers that we fell in love with straight away. We all decided that we should find out more. Our social worker was more hesitant, but eight weeks later those two boys were about to meet their new parents: us!

Looking back, I believe that our need to have a little girl was as a result of our experience with our niece and god-daughter, who we had cared for over certain periods of time, and it just seemed natural that we should continue in our own family with girls.

I honestly cannot answer what life would have been like if we had had a girl. What I do know, though, is that I am happy that we made the right decision. My boys were chronologically older when they came home to us; however, I was surprised by just how many kisses and cuddles we received, how much love they gave us, almost instantly. I never once thought that an older child would need or want that. I am so glad to have been proved wrong. Gut instinct is key…some adopters will end up with the families that they wanted from the beginning; however, it always surprises me how many people may not consider a child because of age, behaviours or even some disabilities. Every child deserves a secure future, and by enquiring it does not mean that child will become yours.

Nine years on, the profiles we read with anticipation and elements of fear around behaviours, special schools and age have vanished. We have coped better than we gave ourselves credit for, and we have two fantastic teenagers who are almost (but not quite) ready for elements of independence. We have had more good times than bad, and don’t get me wrong, the bad has been bad, but we love those boys more now than ever, and I would not be the person I have become without them.

Happy Fathers’ Day

Pablo and Mike found their children through Adoption UK’s Children Who Wait. Author Pablo chronicled their experiences in his book Becoming Dads. After approval they were eventually matched with a six-year-old little boy, Charlie. One year into the adoption he writes:

It feels like Charlie has been with us forever, and sometimes it’s hard to remember our lives without him. During the first few weeks Charlie tested a lot of boundaries as he learned to trust us. He came from a very violent background, and as he regressed, as most adopted children do, there were a lot of behaviours to ‘unlearn’.

However, we are a family – it doesn’t matter to us that we missed out on the first six years of his life. In fact, most days we almost ‘forget’ about it. It’s not about the past, but about the present and the future. We need to be aware of his past to be able to accept and understand some of his behaviours, but on a day-to-day basis he is just Charlie our son.

Facing the critics

My name is Fernando and I’m a gay man. My partner and I were approved as adopters last April, 18 months after we first made inquiries with our local authority, and we are now waiting to find a suitable match.

I know some people think we should not adopt. Many also think that single people shouldn’t be allowed to adopt either. In a perfect world I might agree with those who claim that a child would be best placed with a mum and a dad. But many birth children nowadays live with a single parent, or with permutations of mummies and daddies from relationship break-ups. The concept of family has evolved. Most importantly, in an ideal world there wouldn’t be any children in care.

My partner and I knew we wanted to adopt a long time ago. One of the things we considered was that we weren’t sure if it would be fair on the child. Should we bring them into an environment where they may get bullied because of having gay dads when they have had enough upset in their lives? To a certain extent we also wondered if we were the only gays in the village who wanted to adopt.

We made enquiries with our local authority and got into their preparation groups. We engaged with discussions in the Adoption UK online forums and started volunteering at a local school and Beavers group. Then we got in touch with New Family Social, a charity that organized social events for children adopted by same-sex couples and provides support for prospective same-sex adopters. We also read lots of publications on adoption in general and gay and lesbian adoption in particular.

One thing that became clear is that even if we are not the mum and dad some social workers would like, we are a better option than staying in the care system. Another is that there are many successful placements with same-sex couples and gay and lesbian individuals where children thrive at least as well as with other adopters.

Our social worker has been great. We believe she has always treated us as any couple who wants to adopt. Obviously, our being gay has been the subject of discussions to find out how we coped with homophobia and how we’d explain to a child about our circumstances and help them to cope with any abuse they may suffer because of it…

How would we teach our child to cope? Well, at the end of the day a child will be bullied because they have big ears, red hair or wear the wrong clothes. We think the best response will be honesty. We plan to be involved in our children’s schools. There will be no secrecy or element of surprise to the children having gay fathers. At the end of the day, being matched with a child is only the beginning of the adoption process. We will need to cope with all the issues that adoption brings (attachment, school support, contact, dealing with trauma) as they arise and we’ve received a lot of preparation for it.

No one thinks you are a lesbian any more!

We are lesbians. Two years ago we adopted two children and have a two-mummy family! We are an all-female household, with the only bit of testosterone coming from our male cat and considering his ‘little operation’ in his early years that is not much to boast about.

So is it any different being lesbian adoptive parents? In some ways, no, not at all. The cross-over of discussion topics between the lesbian, gay and bisexual boards and the other online discussion boards is testimony to that. Our children are all hurt and require the same therapeutic parenting to help them understand their feelings and behaviour.

Most of the time we are confident and happy in our role as mummies and lesbian parents, and this is important for the children to know and see. We see it as vital that we answer all questions about our relationship honestly to demonstrate clearly to the children that we have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide; again, though, you need to be aware that some people do not find the idea of two lesbians being parents acceptable and don’t want their children in our company.

As lesbian parents, the way that we parent our children and divide up the roles in the family are sometimes quite different from other couples. For example, we are both completely involved in the children’s care. We are both lucky enough to work part-time and to divide this so that we are both at home an equal amount of time.

Both being at home equally has been the single most important factor in keeping our relationship and family going. Both knowing what it feels like to be at home with the children and deal with their needs, behaviours and hurts has been invaluable in allowing us to support and help each other. Both going out to work has given each of us a much-needed break, contact with other adults and an outlet outside of being a parent. Sometimes it’s very affirming to realize that you do have talents and can do something right when your role as a mother and carer has been rejected so often at home.

We have only had two years in our new roles and have only just started out on this journey as a family. So far we have received nothing but support for our family and are confident that this will continue. It won’t be easy, though, and we are prepared for those times when the children and our family will be ridiculed and the brunt of cruel taunts. For now, though, we will continue like all adoptive parents, loving our children and trying to help them make sense of their hurts.

But it’s a sin, Miss

The biggest difference about being a same-sex adopter lies in the way society treats our types of families. Many of the children adopted by same-sex couples have been removed from unsafe (heterosexual) families where their physical and/or emotional welfare has been severely compromised. Many of our children have ongoing difficulties coping with the stresses these early relationships brought upon them; they have emotional and physical scars and some suffer from attachment disorder. In short, our children are vulnerable.

However, news channels, radio broadcasts, newspapers and magazines often show stories that reflect bigotry and hatred towards the LGBT community; this is deeply unsettling for our children. Stories pervade about queer-bashing and various religious groups are given air time to discuss their bigoted beliefs on how unsavoury same-sex couples are to them. Seeing images of ‘Islamic State’ throwing gay people from parapets sends our children into obvious panic.

Same-sex couples being able to adopt was an important piece of legislation that has begun to tackle the travesty of children being placed in and ultimately left in the care system. Studies are already showing that children of same-sex parents do not suffer as a result of being brought up by parents of the same-sex. In fact, early results seem to prove that children fare extremely well if not better than within heterosexual families. However, what they do suffer from is homophobic bullying, taunts and unchallenged asides that undermine the families they are in. The education system is already failing the children of LGBT adopters through its ineffectual treatment of endemic homophobia and failure to provide resources reflecting our types of families. This is especially true of faith schools.

So how has legislation protected these children within schools and colleges? What further acts of parliament have been introduced in order to help our children feel included, secure and supported? How have schools been encouraged to tackle the homophobic language that pervades in the playgrounds, classrooms and corridors? What resources do schools offer in order to reflect our types of families? The answer is pitifully little. Education is at the grass roots of homophobic bullying; it’s where the majority of our children learn that their new families are part of a minority that is an easy, unchallenged target of ridicule.

Schools have been encouraged to implement successive anti-racist and multicultural policies which have done a great deal to lessen racism in society. Classroom resources such as early years picture books, fiction and non-fiction books, textbooks, posters, audio/video resources, etc. now reflect the diversity of cultures within our society. We celebrate black history month every October; our children share foods and customs; they visit mosques and temples and churches. Our children are encouraged to celebrate and accept difference. Such resources, no longer so white and Eurocentric, such experiences, have enabled the children of ethnic minorities to feel included, to feel valued and to feel respected.

When my adopted son first started school, I told the teachers that he was adopted and had two mums. That should have been enough really, enough for the school to be sourcing some books perhaps that would reflect our family background in some way or to lead circle time discussions on different types of families. It didn’t. My son is beginning to realize that his family is very different from all the rest in his class because his is the only type of family that isn’t being validated or reflected back at him.

I taught in a church school for 11 years. Was I able to teach about gay relationships? About marriage? Nope. The ‘you’re so gay’ comments aimed at anyone in school who was deemed weak or ineffectual pervaded. I remember challenging such a comment made by a Year 5 child who made such a comment in order to insult a peer. When I reminded him about being tolerant and that there was nothing wrong with being gay and to stop using it as an insult, he responded, ‘But it’s a sin, Miss.’

5S. Golombok (2015) Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.