Chapter 10

Nothing existed beyond the sound.

Heavy rotor blades cut through the air as the Chinook hovered a few feet from the ground. Jonas saw the pilot, close enough he saw the headset over his ears and saw his lips move as he spoke into the mic, the deafening noise of the helo drowning out the nearby voices.

“Let’s clear these men out!” The announcer crowed with enthusiasm.

“Let’s clear out, eh Parker? Or that fiancée of yours’ll get bored and find someone else.” Jonas teased his partner as they bounced along the dirt road.

“Yeah, well it sure won’t be you,” Parker shot back with a wide grin.

Jonas laughed.

The Iltis hit a rut, jostling the soldiers sitting in the back. “Hey, Sergeant Kirkpatrick. There’s something up ahead.”

Jonas leaned forward, peering through the windshield of the Iltis. Before he could open his mouth, everything shifted. He felt himself thrown into the air, out of the back of the vehicle. For a moment he was weightless. And everything went black.

At first he was only aware of sounds. Shouts and skids as the rest of the vehicles in their small convoy ground to a halt behind them. Then it was smells.

The heavy, coppery scent of blood mingled with dust filled his nostrils in the desert heat, but he saw nothing. Sudden weakness caused his eyes to close against the blinding sun. Gunfire echoed, tinny and thin, through his ears along with the dry crackle of fire—the charred, mangled pieces of the Iltis.

Everything was fuzzy, like being underwater.

With huge effort, Jonas turned his head to the left, opening his eyes enough to squint. What he saw was a narrow radius of carnage. Parker was dead, his mangled form sprawled motionless on the hard gravel of the road. Jonas blindly touched his leg, drawing his shaking fingers up and seeing the blood staining the tips as he fought the nausea curling through his stomach. Behind him he heard the shouts of his comrades; rifle fire popping over the ridge.

He heard a shout for a medic. He heard someone calling to get on the radio for an extraction. His eyes slid closed, trying to keep things linear and logical in his mind. Confused shouts echoed all around him.

“Hold on, Sarge.” A steady voice was at his right side but couldn’t distinguish who it was. Hands pressed against his leg and he gritted his teeth. “Help’s coming. Hang in there.”

The syncopated whomp whomp of helo blades reached his ears. He squinted into the sun, enough to see the dark hulking shape of a Chinook hovering several meters away. The feeling was going in his leg, the cold numbness crawling up the rest of his body and he knew it was too late.

“Jonas,” Shannyn said, reaching over and gripping his arm.

He turned his head, his eyes unfocused.

“Park! No!” He gave a mighty shout and leaped to his feet.

Without saying a single word more, he ran up the embankment towards the truck.

Shannyn pulled back as if burned, shocked by his outburst and frightened, not for herself but for him. She knew without a doubt that he hadn’t seen her when he’d looked into her eyes. She wanted to race after him, but she had Emma to worry about. “Honey, you pack up the food and I’ll get the blanket, okay?” She ignored the stares of people around them and hastily folded the green blanket, gathering it and Jonas’s jacket in her arms.

“What’s wrong with Daddy?”

Shannyn gripped Emma’s hand tightly. This was what she’d wanted to avoid. Putting Emma through any sort of stress. She should have known at their first meeting, when Emma had hit his leg. She should have known when he had those moments when time seemed to stop completely. Now Emma’s face mirrored her own—concerned and frightened. Shannyn was torn between concern for Emma and worry for Jonas.

She paused a moment, squatted before Emma because she didn’t know what frame of mind he’d be in when they got to the truck.

“I don’t know for sure, Emma. But I think your Daddy has some very bad memories. And I think that helicopter today reminded him of something bad and he got scared.”

“Daddies don’t get scared.”

Shannyn pulled her into a quick hug.

“Yes, honey, they sometimes do.” She pulled away and held Emma by the arms, fighting to keep her own hands from trembling. “Mommies and Daddies. Now, when we get back to the truck, Daddy might still be upset. So you’re going to do exactly what I tell you, okay?”

“Yes, Mama,” Emma replied meekly.

When Shannyn got there, Jonas was hanging on to the tailgate with one hand, his other hand braced on his thigh and his head hanging.

She approached carefully. “Jonas?”

When he looked up at her, all the colour was drained from his face. Somehow he looked smaller. But he was reachable, she realized. She let out the breath she’d been holding.

“Emma, Daddy’s fine. I’m going to talk to him, so you sit up in the truck, okay?”

She got Emma settled with the remainder of the lemonade. Behind them, the emcee’s voice was muffled through the speakers.

“What happened?”

Jonas took long, restorative breaths, but they didn’t help. Fear and shame overwhelmed him. Each day he went to work he told himself he was getting better. Even today, after the first flash, he’d convinced himself it was all fine. But it was a lie.

He’d told himself the debriefing he’d had with the shrink in Germany had been enough. Another lie. Never before had he had two episodes in the same day. Not even dealing with live fire exercises on base. It was something else and he couldn’t put his finger on what was different now. It had been almost a year. Things were supposed to get better, not worse!

It had been easier when he hadn’t felt anything. But lately…seeing Shannyn, remembering how he’d loved her, and now becoming involved with his daughter…he was feeling again. And feeling something meant feeling everything. Not just the here and now, and not just trying to fight his attraction to Shannyn. But everything he’d denied himself for nearly a year. Guilt, grief, resentment. Love.

Now she was waiting for him to explain, and he had no idea what to tell her.

“I need a minute.” He took more breaths, willing his heart rate to calm completely as he searched for words.

“All right.”

She couldn’t understand. Didn’t know what it was like out there. No one did unless they’d been through it. And who could he talk to? The only one who understood him was Parker. And Parker was gone. Jonas closed his eyes, flooded with guilt and without the will to fight it.

She waited patiently for him, leaning against the door of the truck and slowly he felt control slipping back, giving him enough strength to move out of the moment. He couldn’t believe she was still standing there and not running. He remembered the feeling of thinking he was going to bleed to death and how his last thought had been that maybe he’d made a mistake leaving her. It was selfish. It had been selfish then and it was selfish now, but as the paralyzing fear drained away, all he was left with was need. For her.

When he looked into her face, it was with apology in every fiber.

“I am so sorry. What you must think…”

“We can worry about what I think later.” She dismissed his apology with a hand. “We need to worry about you right now.”

It was a fresh wound. He didn’t want to be anyone’s worry. It was his job to worry about others. To protect them. It was something he used to do very well, but lately he had done nothing but fail at it.

“I’m fine.”

Her laugh was sharp with disbelief. “You can’t possibly expect me to believe that. Oh Jonas, you are so far from all right. You’ve slipped away before, but it’s more than that, isn’t it? More than you’ve let on.”

He bristled. What did she know about it anyway? She hadn’t lived through it. She hadn’t seen her best friend die. And he wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. As much as he wished he could lay his burden down, he knew that it wasn’t fair for Shannyn and Emma to pay the price for his problems. He’d done a horrible job so far. The best thing he could do for them was protect them from the ugliness.

“It’s for me to deal with.”

Her lips formed a firm line and she waited five long seconds before speaking again.

“Not if you expect to have any sort of relationship with your daughter.”

He was in no shape for her to be giving ultimatums. Sudden anger piled on top of the confusion left in the wake of his vivid memory. It overrode the longing for her and the self-loathing he felt at his weakness, propelling him into action. He let go of the tailgate and squared his shoulders. “Don’t threaten me, Shannyn.”

She glanced into the truck and back at him. “Let me make it easy for you, Jonas. If you want to see Emma, you’re going to have to let me help you. Even if it kills you.”

Shannyn watched his fingers on the wheel, gripping as if his life depended on it. His jaw was set firmly; he grit his teeth. He was furious with her. It came off him in angry waves.

She didn’t care. Emma sat between them, her animated chatter of earlier silenced. She might only be five, but Shannyn knew Emma understood that something was wrong. It wasn’t fair of them to put her in the middle of all their problems. From the first moment he’d showed up, Shannyn had a feeling that there would be nothing but trouble. But she hadn’t anticipated it being this bad.

This wasn’t just about them and their past relationship, although that was far from resolved. It was about Jonas and his health. And he could deny it all he wanted, but he needed help. She couldn’t just wash her hands of it and send him away. There was Emma to consider. Despite knowing it would be simpler if she pushed him away, her heart couldn’t let her do it. Not when he needed someone.

She sighed, licked her lips nervously. Who was she fooling? She wanted to help him, needed to. She cared what happened to him. She’d never really stopped caring for him. Today she’d had a glimpse of how good it could have been for all of them. And it had surprised her how natural it had felt, even after all these years. It was no longer a question of whether she’d done the right thing by keeping Emma a secret. They were a family of sorts now. Families stood by each other. Even when it hurt.

Just before they reached the house, she motioned to a small brick bungalow. “Pull in here,” she said.

She took Emma with her and rang the bell.

When her neighbour, Patty, answered, Shannyn didn’t beat around the bush. “Could Emma stay and play for a bit?”

Patty knit her brows. “You okay?”

“Yeah, but something came up. If it’s too much of a bother…”

Patty looked down at Emma and back at Shannyn with a smile. “We’re just having a barbecue. Lisa’s in the back playing by herself, so the company would be welcome.”

“Thanks Patty. I hope it won’t be for long.”

She knelt before Emma. “I’ll be back to get you later, honey.”

“Are you going to make Daddy feel better?”

Shannyn’s smile wobbled at the concern on Emma’s face. Her baby shouldn’t have to worry about things like this. “I’m going to try. We need to talk about some things, that’s all.”

She stood and ruffled Emma’s hair. “Thanks again,” she said to Patty. She lifted a hand in farewell and jogged back to the truck where Jonas waited. Climbing into the cab, she knew he’d built a wall around himself. She could sense his isolation, see it in the cold, stony expression molding his features, the stiff way his hands gripped the steering wheel. Breaking through that wall wasn’t going to be easy.

She unlocked the front door and led them into the quiet house.

“Shannyn, I’m sorry. I frightened Emma and upset you, and ruined our day.” The apology was perfunctory, devoid of true remorse. He was still behind that wall, giving her what he thought she needed to hear.

She turned at the kitchen counter. If she wanted answers, real ones, she was going to have to come at it strong, push her way through. “Yes, you did. And I want to know why.”

He looked past her, through the window at the empty backyard. “It’s complicated.”

“I think I got that.”

He turned his head a little and met her gaze. She knew he didn’t want to talk about it. She also knew he had to let it out if they were going to move forward and establish some sort of status quo.

“Shannyn, you don’t know what you’re asking.”

“I’m willing to take that chance.”

“Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m not willing to put you and Emma through this.” He spun away, running his hand over the stubble on his jaw. But the veneer was starting to crack.

Shannyn looked at him. Why did he mean so much to her? It went so much deeper than the fact that he was Emma’s father. She stared at his broad shoulders, the way his combat trousers sat on his hips. It was more than attraction to his physicality. She remembered the sight of the jagged scar running down his thigh. It wasn’t sympathy, either.

The truth of the matter was, six years ago he’d been the only man she’d ever loved. She hadn’t loved anyone since. And she knew she hadn’t imagined their connection, no matter how he’d gone off and left her. There was something elemental between them, something tethering them together and as much as she’d denied it to herself over the years, being with him again changed everything. It was his energy, the glimpses she got of it now and then. It was his sense of honor and his strength. It hurt her to see that strength tested; to see the battle he was waging with himself.

Their connection was as strong as ever. Perhaps even stronger. Too bad she’d already learned that the happily ever after she’d dreamed of as a child didn’t really exist.

“Jonas, please look at me.”

When he turned back around, her heart wept for the broken man before her. Whatever had happened, more than his leg had been wounded. Something that would explain why he didn’t consider himself a hero. Or why he kept distancing himself from her. Why he kept disappearing into himself.

“It’s about time you trusted someone with it. And you know you can trust me.”

“You’ll look at me differently.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed.

“Don’t you know me better than that by now? I know you.” She went forward, touched the hairline just above his ear with a tender hand. “I know you better than anyone. We might not like it, but it’s true. Please let me in.”

“Let’s go outside. I need…I need space. And air.”

She opened the patio doors and they went out, taking chairs on the tiny deck overlooking the yard.

“I don’t know where to start.” He leaned forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees, hands clasped.

Shannyn reached over and took his hand in hers. Somehow the simple contact linked them, more than just a handclasp. It was trust. Acceptance. A bond that went far deeper than attraction.

“Why don’t you start with what it was like serving in Special Forces? We’ll take it from there.”

Jonas looked down at their joined hands. His was wide and scarred, hers slender, dainty. They were so different. Shannyn was being more than understanding. How much of that would change when he’d told her the truth? Would she look at him with shock, or derision? Yet, after today and his outburst at the air show, he knew he had to do something. It had been too long, and the past was still stuck in the present. He had to move forward, somehow.

He pulled his hand away and started to get up. “Maybe it would be better if I talked to someone on base,” he prevaricated. It was a weak argument and he knew it. But somehow he had to spare her the details. He didn’t care what she said. When she knew what he’d done, she’d be disappointed at best. Disgusted, more likely.

“You don’t need to protect me, Jonas. I grew a thick skin the day I realized I was pregnant and alone.”

He sat back down. She didn’t understand, not at all. Perhaps she’d always hate him for leaving her behind. And he couldn’t tell her the real reason why he’d left as he had. Maybe she was right. Maybe he did need to tell her what had happened. Once she knew what kind of man he really was, he wouldn’t have to worry about protecting her in the future. Or worry about her getting ideas about them that wouldn’t work. She’d send him packing and they could just move on to working out a visitation schedule.

She was strong. He got that. She had pulled herself up and had done a find job of making a life for herself and Emma. But her lifestyle was far removed from the places he’d been or the things he’d seen. Even now, still dressed in her cute shorts and T-shirt, she was a picture of unspoiled beauty. He was anything but unspoiled. He was more convinced than ever that it wouldn’t work between them.

Flirting had been fun. Kissing had been great. But today’s episode reminded him very clearly why being with Shannyn was impossible, and why he’d insisted on friends. He’d allowed himself to forget. Telling her about Chris would create the distance he needed so he wouldn’t have the power to hurt her again.

“You want to hear about what it was like?” His voice came out stronger than he thought possible. “I loved my job. Sure, it had its downside. In the Middle East it was hot, and dusty, and being a sniper is a lot less glory than you’d imagine. You spend a lot of time waiting. And a lot of time isolated.”

“But you had friends.”

“Yeah.”

He stopped, surprised at the lump that appeared in his throat. “You probably don’t remember Chris Parker.”

“The one from basic. Sandy blond hair and devilish blue eyes.”

He closed his eyes. She did remember him. And her description put a picture in his mind, one of Chris in full camouflage gear, his head tilted back and laughing. They’d constantly teased each other about nothing at all. It had been the saving grace in a lot of monotony.

“Yes, that’s him. He was my partner. Snipers work in pairs. Being with Chris…it was the closest I felt to being home. He was like a brother.”

“Was.”

He couldn’t look at her. “Yes, was. He was killed the day I was wounded.”

He expected sympathy, but instead she simply said, “I’m sorry.”

Shannyn angled her chair so she could see him and rested her arms on her knees, inviting him to continue. “Tell me.”

A muscle in his jaw twitched, moving the tattoo on his cheek. The moment of fun, the touch of her fingers on his skin as she applied the sticker was far removed from their conversation now. The silence drew out for several beats.

“We were on assignment, nearly a year ago now. It was so hot it was like the sun had teeth. We were behind a knoll, over a mile from a village.”

“Where?”

He chanced a look in her eyes before his gaze skittered away. “It doesn’t matter where.”

She translated it easily. “Covert.”

“We waited over three hours for our mark to be in position. Chris was the spotter, I was the shooter.”

Again he paused, taking his time, deciding what to tell. “When it was done, we hiked back to our rendezvous point and met up with the convoy that was to take us to the airfield.”

He stopped and at his silence, she prodded gently, “What happened?”

He stared at a point somewhere past the back fence of the yard. “It had taken longer than we expected. There were…children involved. Children, Shan.”

His haunted eyes probed hers, asking her to understand. “There were children there, holding guns. What kind of person gives a child a gun and gives them the burden of killing another human being?”

“I don’t know.”

He shook his head, as if he still couldn’t believe it. “So we waited until the perfect time. But our delay meant the convoy was late getting out. I convinced them to take a shortcut, a different route. Chris and I were in the first vehicle, joking and laughing when we hit an IED.”

The picture threatened to take over again, but he focused on her eyes, determined to go on with the story. “You have to understand…an Iltis is a light vehicle. It isn’t built to withstand that sort of blast. We were thrown clear. The driver and the private beside him were wounded. My thigh was shattered, but Chris…Chris was dead.”

When she looked at him his eyes were filled with unshed tears. What she saw inside the shimmering depths cut her deeply. It wasn’t just the loss of his best friend. The wound went so much deeper than simple grief. There was blame, regret, all pointed directly at himself.

“Seconds before, we’d been joking about his fiancé finding someone else. And because I insisted on a shortcut, he’s gone. If I hadn’t suggested that route, we never would have hit that IED and we’d both still be out there. My arrogance and impatience cost him his life.”

Shannyn took her time answering, because she knew she had to get the words right. Oh, it was all so clear to her now. She could tell he was wearing guilt like a heavy shroud, carrying its weight every day. Feeling like he’d failed not only his friend but himself.

Quiet settled over the deck and birds sang. Shannyn wondered if birds still chirped in the places he’d been. How difficult it must be for him to come back to a place with such simple pleasures, to people who understood nothing of what he’d faced. She was one of those people. The least she could do was try.

Again she reached over and took his hand in hers.

“You didn’t kill him, Jonas. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was. It was my decision. I wanted us to get a move on, get to the airfield and get out.”

“And would there have been any guarantees that nothing would have happened if you’d gone the other way? Done things differently? Who’s to say there wouldn’t have been someone waiting to ambush you? The news is full of stories like that.”

He shook his head stubbornly. “That’s not the point. The point is, it was my decision, I made it, and now he’s dead.”

“You make it sound like you pulled the trigger.”

“In a way, I did.”

She grabbed his other hand in her and squeezed. “You look at me.”

When he did resistance masked his face. Oh, he was going to be a stubborn nut to crack. But now that she had an idea of what he was dealing with, she could at least help him move forward.

“You’ve been carrying this around ever since, haven’t you?” When he didn’t reply, she persisted. “This is eating you up inside, Jonas. I’ve been so focused on you and Emma that I didn’t notice enough. I saw you were troubled but passed it off. But after today…I know it’s not something you can ignore anymore. I think it’s time you did something about it.”

He sat up straighter, pulled his hands away, his brow wrinkling a bit in the middle. “What are you talking about, Shannyn?”

“What I’m talking about is getting you some professional help.”