Chapter 13

Amidst the happy shouts and whistles, he saw Shannyn. On the sidelines of the field, clapping her hands, engrossed in the game. The dying sun gleamed off her hair, warmed the skin of her arms to an amber glow. For a few moments Jonas watched, saw Emma running up the field in her yellow and white shirt, following the ball, joined by a handful of identically dressed children.

He’d made so many mistakes. So many decisions based on fear and not enough based on faith. And in the face of it all she’d somehow found the strength to help him when she thought he needed it.

What made him qualified to decide what was best for Shannyn? He’d loved her all along and had pushed her away out of fear. Not anymore. He’d been gone for too long. Six long years they’d wasted.

He was home. They were his and he was theirs. It was time he started taking the steps to claim them.

As if she could read his thoughts, she turned, her body suddenly backlit by the sunset, golden and gorgeous.

He had so much to tell her. About what he’d been doing over the past weeks. About what he’d done earlier today. About what he envisioned for the future.

Shannyn turned, her heart catching at the sight of Jonas staring. He was all long legs and broad shoulders in faded jeans and a green t-shirt with a small crest on the chest. When he started walking towards her, his limp was indiscernible.

She stepped off the sidelines, retreating from the cheering crowd a little. His eyes locked with hers, his strides purposeful.

In that moment it became very clear. She loved Jonas. She always had, even when he’d come back and turned her life upside down with demands. Even when she’d seen him struggle with demons that frightened her. And especially now, seeing him walking towards her. It would always be him for her. It was a done deal.

He stopped in front of her and it took everything she possessed not to launch herself into his arms. Blood rushed into her cheeks and she covered them with her hands, laughing softly. What was she thinking? There were at least twenty impressionable children around as well as parents and coaches. She’d never been much into public spectacles of affection. As much as she wanted to, she held back. This wasn’t the place, even if it did feel like the right time.

“We didn’t expect you tonight.” Her words came out on a soft rush of breath in the soft evening. “Emma will be ecstatic.”

“I hope it’s okay that I came.” Her eyes were drawn to his lips as they formed the words. “I have so much to tell you. So much to explain.”

Shannyn lifted her chin and held his hands tightly as she looked deeply into his eyes. “I’m glad. I’ve been waiting…”

“I know. And I’m sorry I’ve made you wait so long.”

“It’s all right. I knew you were trying to get better.”

“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t mean just now. This is so much bigger than me dealing with grief and stress. I mean from the beginning. I shouldn’t have made you wait.” The pressure of his fingers on hers tightened. “I…oh hell. I lost my perspective. I need to tell you some things, things I should have said a long time ago.”

He had done some serious soul searching, then. Shannyn kept her hands within his. “Watching you struggle, realizing how affected you were came as such a surprise. And then we hardly saw you at all. You don’t know how many times I wanted to call to make sure you were all right.”

She thought back to the rare times over the last weeks that he’d carved out time to spend with them. He’d kept it simple then too. A cone of ice cream, watching one of Emma’s games. She’d known he was getting help but he had distanced himself like he said he would.

But tonight…something had changed. Tonight he looked like a man set free. There was something more. Hope slammed into her. She wasn’t imagining their connection. Could it be he felt the same way and he wanted to tell her? What was it that had happened that had caused this transformation?

“Each time I’ve seen you, you’ve seemed taller. Stronger. And I’ve wanted to ask you so many times…”

The shriek of a whistle cut through the air, ending the game and halting their conversation.

“Mama, Mama! Did you see me?” Emma came barreling off the field, ponytail bobbing, a streak of dirt gracing the sleeve of her shirt. Then she saw Jonas and squealed, “Daddy!”

Shannyn didn’t have time to caution her to slow down. Emma raced straight at Jonas.

She needn’t have worried. Jonas hefted her in the air, dirt and all, laughing. “Hey, pumpkin! How was the game?”

“It was great. I almost scored.”

“Good for you.” He plopped a kiss on her nose, grinning broadly.

Shannyn’s eyes widened. He was so open tonight, so giving. Without the wall he’d put around himself. Seeing him this way was like waking up. Like seeing the first crocuses blooming in the midst of the late-winter snow. Defiant beauty through cold ice. He’d always warmed to Emma, but this was more than that.

This was the Jonas she remembered. The man she’d fallen in love with. Having him back only made the feelings more intense.

“You ready to go home?”

Emma’s face fell. “Aren’t you coming?”

His eyes softened as he smiled tenderly at his daughter.

“Of course I’m coming. I’ll tuck you in tonight and then I’m going to have a talk with your Mom.”

“Goody!”

Shannyn laughed even as her heart skipped. “We’d better get going then. I promised Em a treat after the game. And then it’s bedtime for you, silly girl.”

Shannyn looked at Jonas, a secret thrill rushing through her as his eyes warmed on her. They would talk. She knew she should keep the topic away from their personal relationship. As happy as she was to see the old Jonas new again, so many things hadn’t changed. They would need time to talk about what had just happened. About what was changing inside him. About what needed to happen in the future, for all of them. They had work to do, but for the first time she knew that somehow they’d find a way.

Emma ran ahead to Shannyn’s car, but Jonas stayed with Shannyn, his hand a warm anchor on her back. She wasn’t sure she could trust herself to stay on topic if he kept up with the little meaningful touches.

“I’ve got the truck. I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay.”

Before he changed direction, he leaned over and kissed her temple.

The warmth on the spot lasted long after he was gone.

“I bought some potato chips and pop for a treat,” Shannyn said in an undertone as Emma spun around the kitchen, still pumped up from her soccer game. “I’m going to run a bath for Em, but if you want you can get those things out.”

Jonas leaned casually against the kitchen counter, legs crossed at the ankle. “I can do that.”

She paused. “I’ll be back in a bit. Emma’s going to need a scrubbing.”

“I’ll be here.”

And he would, she realized. For the first time she knew he’d be exactly where he said he’d be. Wondering what had changed was driving her crazy, but Emma had to be tended to first. Normally this was a time of night she enjoyed, but tonight she was impatient to get Emma safely tucked in bed. He was waiting for her.

When they came back downstairs Jonas was unloading the dishwasher, putting the dishes back on their shelves. Shannyn halted at the bottom of the stairs and stared. He looked so much like he belonged there. Briefly she got a flash of what life would be like if he were here everyday, and it shot straight to her core. She had to be careful. The plain fact was that he was still in the Army, and now that he was nearly recovered, the chance of reassignment was suddenly a possibility. She couldn’t allow herself to get used to him when there was a good chance he would be gone again.

Still, the simple action of being here gave her hope that somehow they could compromise, to make it work.

“I smell like bubble gum,” Emma announced, letting go of Shannyn’s hand and marching over to her father. “Smell my hair.”

Dutifully he lifted her up and buried his nose in her curls. “Bubble gum? Smells like blueberries to me.”

“Nope. Bubble gum.” Her face was a picture of seriousness. “Pink bubble gum.”

Jonas laughed. “I hope you didn’t brush your teeth yet. Your treat’s on the table.”

Emma scrambled down and ran for her chair and the bowl of chips he’d set out. He followed her and poured her glass half-full of root beer.

He was so good with her, Shannyn realized. For a man who hadn’t wanted children, he was a natural. Decisive but fun, willing to play a little. She’d been wrong in keeping Emma from him. When she’d realized she was pregnant, she should have told him somehow. And for that she owed him an apology. A real one, not one out of guilt that came from being caught. More than apologizing for what she’d done, but for depriving him of what should have been his all along. The joy of being Emma’s father.

“Penny for your thoughts.” He smiled and her heart turned over.

“Later,” she replied, her cheeks blooming. It was almost as though she was transported back six years to the man she remembered. The young man filled with optimism and energy. Knowing now what he’d been through, all that he’d faced, how he’d suffered and how he was bouncing back, made him into so much more in her eyes. A dangerous, potent combination of charm and strength.

She turned away, feigning attention to Emma. Relaxed mood or not, it frightened her to realize how deep her feelings ran for him. She loved him more now than she ever had, she realized. Suddenly the earlier ebullience faded. She’d had her heart broken once; she was afraid to give him the power to do it again.

Nothing made sense. She wanted him, loved him, admired his parental instincts. Yet she still felt she had to hold back, to protect herself on some level. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…she didn’t want to be that woman.

Emma finished her snack and Jonas took her up to bed, story book in hand. When he came down several minutes later, Shannyn was just finishing tidying the snack mess.

Suddenly, now that they were alone, it felt awkward. Shannyn wasn’t sure what to say, and Jonas stood in the kitchen looking like he felt the same way. Saying they needed to talk, and then putting it off for over an hour had put everything off-kilter.

“Would you like a drink?”

“I’d love one. Especially if it means I can sit in the shadows with you and drink it.”

Her heart gave a decisive thump as she reached into the fridge for two bottles of beer. The innuendo did funny things to her insides and she cautioned herself to remain objective. Seeing him walk across the soccer field had filled her with optimism. But now…now she wasn’t so sure. Reality was beginning to settle in and there were a lot of things to tackle. Including her own insecurities.

She twisted off the top and handed him the bottle. “Bumps,” she said, and they tilted their bottles so that the bottoms knocked gently.

It was a movement so familiar, yet one long forgotten. Without warning memory upon memory seemed to be coming back to her about their time together. Trying to isolate how she felt then and how she felt now. It was becoming more difficult as her feelings escalated. They all seemed to blend together, like it had only been yesterday rather than years.

Outside, the air had cooled, the summer evening breeze fluttering over her skin. Shannyn sat in a chair and leaned back, stretching her legs. She knew he had something on his mind. She forced herself to be patient and wait for him. It would be better that way, if she let him take the lead. She could measure her responses that way. She took a deep breath of air softly perfumed by the blooms in her flower bed.

Jonas paused, then turned the opposite chair so that it was at a ninety-degree angle to her and likewise, sat.

After a moment or two of silence, his voice cut through the night sounds of the breeze flickering the leaves and a mourning dove just finishing its song.

“I have a lot to explain to you, Shan. I didn’t fully realize it until today, so bear with me okay?”

She nodded. Any trace of flippancy he’d shown inside was totally gone. Now his face was completely earnest.

“I did as you suggested, as you know. I started seeing a therapist. It…it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes…” he stopped, swallowed. “Sometimes it’s like living through it all over again. But it was the right thing to do. I’m getting better.”

Shannyn encouraged him softly. “I know you are. I can see it. You’re less on edge. Relaxed, freer with your smiles.” She recalled the chaos of July first, then the few times he’d been in contact since. “I think not seeing you as much made the difference stand out more each time you were around. You were more changed each time. More grounded.”

“I didn’t realize it was noticeable.”

“I noticed.” She touched his knee gently, then took another drink from her bottle.

The mourning dove’s cry faded away. “Today is one year since the accident.”

“I know.”

His gaze met hers then. “You do?”

She nodded. “I saw the date on your chart.” She hadn’t forgotten it. It was a day that had changed his life forever. When she’d first read it, she’d had no idea how much. She’d been so absorbed with herself and protecting Emma. She hadn’t known how much more there really was.

“Was it difficult? How did you deal?” She’d thought of him often today, wondered how he was coping, wanting to call but unsure of whether or not she should.

“Today I drove to Nova Scotia, to Chris’s hometown. And I went to visit him.”

Shannyn put down her bottle. “That’s a huge step for you.” It had obviously been a good choice. If not, he wouldn’t be here now. He wouldn’t have kissed her earlier. Not in the way he had, that’s for sure.

“I was scared. Facing him…seeing his grave…I didn’t know how I’d react. I’ve been such a loose cannon. But I stopped and bought us each a coffee.” He looked up, a shy smile teasing the corners of his mouth. “Sounds stupid, I know, but in basic we had this thing about coffee in the morning. So I took one to him, and I just talked to him. It was good.”

Shannyn’s eyes misted. She doubted Jonas realized how much strength he was exhibiting right now. Facing the past took courage, and in her eyes, letting himself be vulnerable made him more of a man than any war he’d fought.

She reached over and laid her hand on his thigh. It was nearly healed, the muscle firm and sure beneath her fingers.

“Oh, Jonas, that’s wonderful.”

“I needed to do it. I’d made him a promise, you see. We always said that if something happened to one of us, the other one would escort the body home. I broke that vow. I didn’t come back with him. Hell, I didn’t even make his funeral. By the time I was coherent, it was all over. Today I apologized for that.”

Shannyn smiled. “You do realize that he forgave you long ago. You needed to forgive yourself.”

He pulled his leg away from hers. “That’s one of the things I’m beginning to see.”

“You couldn’t have known what would happen, and you couldn’t have stopped it.” She halted, unsure how much to reveal to him right now. He’d asked for space and she’d said she’d give it, but tonight seemed to be about honesty. Could she be honest with her feelings? Or was it too soon?

“You don’t know how thankful I am that you weren’t the one killed.” She offered a compromise.

“But I came back and complicated everything for you.”

“Maybe at first.” She smiled sadly. “I was afraid. Fear is a powerful motivator.”

Jonas rubbed a hand over his face. “I know. I wrote the book on it. Which brings me to what happened next.” He studied his hands, rubbing the fingers together. “Someone else was visiting him, too. Nessa.”

“Nessa?”

“His fiancée. He was planning on marrying her after that last deployment. We were only supposed to have another month or so before coming home for a while. The day we hit the IED, he’d told me she’d just bought her dress. I’d never met her, but I met her today.”

“How is she?”

Shannyn studied him closely. Jonas smiled a little. In the trees at the edge of the yard, bats flitted in and out as darkness settled over them. The light over the kitchen stove filtered through the patio doors and threw his face in shadow.

“She’s amazing. Resilient. And when I saw her today, I knew I’d made a huge mistake.

“Even though Chris is gone, she is determined to honor him by living her life and being happy. She cherishes their time together, instead of being bitter and resentful. Nessa is grateful, Shan.” His tone was incredulous, reverent. “She’s simply grateful that she had the chance to love him. Even though that love was cut short.”

He put his bottle down. “And that’s where you come in, Shan.”

Nerves skittered along her arms. “Me?”

“I owe you an apology. I did what I thought was right all those years ago. I went to become an elite soldier in an uncertain world. I thought that I was right in leaving you behind. I was afraid to have you care for me too much. Then what would have happened to you if I’d died in action? If I never came home again? Or if I came home crippled and you had to look after me? Why would I ask you to waste your life like that? And I’m telling you now that I was wrong. I’m sorry. More sorry than you know that it’s too late to take it back.”

Shannyn closed her eyes against the pain searing her heart, only to have the tears that had shimmered there escape and trickle down her cheeks. Not I’m sorry but I’ll make things right. But it’s too late. She’d been right to keep her feelings close. He saw her now as a mistake he couldn’t undo. And as happy as she was for him that he was finding his way back, the bitter taste of regret was on her tongue. He’d hurt her then and he was hurting her now.

“You say now that you did what you thought was best for me,” she whispered through the pain. “But you never asked me.” Her throat ached, raw. “You took away my choice. How could you do that?”

“I thought I was protecting you.”

One of his hands rose to touch her cheek, the pad of his thumb caressing her cheekbone. He could be so tender, so caring, and it ripped her apart. She mourned the years they’d lost, the years Emma had gone without having her father. She pulled her cheek away from his touch as the hurt spilled out with the truth. “You broke my heart, Jonas. Don’t you realize that?”

She opened her eyes. Jonas didn’t know that the words were as true tonight as they’d been six years ago. His face was a mixture of regret and surprise.

“No, I didn’t. I thought we cared about each other but that you’d get over it. We were young, foolish.”

“Foolish or not, I fell in love with you that summer.”

Jonas slid forward so that their knees were touching. “So did I.”

Shannyn sat up straighter. He’d what? Her heart pounded heavily, her throat convulsing against the tears she kept fighting back. All this time she’d thought that summer had been fun for him, nothing more. And he’d loved her? Her head spun. How things could have been different if she’d only known. She would have fought harder, instead of accepting his absence. If only he’d said something, all this time might not have been wasted. How stupid they’d been. How much they’d lost.

“But you never said it,” she whispered.

“Neither did you.”

“I was waiting for you to say it first.”

It sounded juvenile now, and made her angry, knowing that perhaps if they’d just been honest back then things might have turned out differently.

“It was a test then?”

Jonas said the words quietly but there was an edge to his voice that made her look away. Had she been testing him? Probably. She hadn’t wanted to beg for his feelings and perhaps her pride had gotten in the way. Pride and fear had kept her from contacting him once she’d known she was pregnant. Fear that the worst would happen. That he wouldn’t love her as she loved him. Fear that he’d come home in a box. Fear that he’d be wounded. In that, she hadn’t been wrong. It was small consolation.

“If it was, it wasn’t intentional.”

Her response sounded flimsy, and she bit her lip. Would she have wanted him to choose her over the army? Is that what she wanted now?

She didn’t like the answer that came back.

“We both made mistakes.” Oh goodness, he was still apologizing, like he was the only one carrying any responsibility around. “I took the choice away from you, Shannyn. I wasn’t honest with my feelings. I wanted to ask you to come with me. But then I thought of all the men not coming home and I knew I’d hate myself for hurting you. I made my decision based on fear, not on faith. Faith in you, faith in us. I realized that today. I took that choice away and I’m sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever know.”

His hand squeezed her wrist, warming the skin with the gentle touch before letting go. All these years she’d thought he hadn’t cared enough to stay, or to ask her to wait for him. But he had cared. He’d made a mistake, yes. He’d taken the choice away from her. But he’d done it for the right reasons. Not out of concern for himself, but for her. He’d done it out of love. Could she say the same? She knew she couldn’t, and it made her own admission sting that much more.

“I’m sorry too, Jonas. I thought you hadn’t loved me at all, so when I found out I was pregnant with Emma I knew I couldn’t ask you to come back out of obligation. It would hurt too much to know you didn’t love me the way I loved you. So I kept it from you. I denied you your daughter and denied her a father who clearly loves her. And I denied us the chance at a future. You’re not the only one with regrets and with apologies.” If only he knew.

“It’s over now.” He sat up a bit, holding her hand between both of his and chafing it. “No more looking back. No more regrets. What’s done is done and we go from here.”

Where exactly was that, though? Shannyn realized that while Jonas had said that he’d loved her then, he hadn’t said that he still did now. There was something between them, certainly. But neither of them had said the word love and referred to it in the present tense. Once again she was waiting for him to say it first, too afraid to take the first step. Too afraid that they were repeating the same pattern. The rush of seeing him earlier had faded. Could she bear for him to stay in the service, knowing how quickly their lives could turn on a dime? Could she risk putting Emma through it, as well as herself? It wasn’t just her to consider anymore.

“Where do we go from here?” she asked quietly, withdrawing her hands. “What do you see happening between us, Jonas?”

“I don’t know.” Jonas sighed and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ve spent so much time living in the past that I’m not even in the future yet. I’m still taking things one day at a time. I’m going to have some decisions to make soon about where my future lies. I—”

He stopped mid-sentence, turned his head and looked out over the back yard.

“You what?”

“Tonight I had to tell you the truth about why I left. And for the first time, today I actually started thinking about the future rather than being caught in crisis mode. I’ve been there for so long, it’s hard to get out.”

His gaze met hers. Even, honest. “I still need time. Time to figure everything out. I’m going away for a few days. To talk to some people. Figure out my options.”

Shannyn sat back in her chair, putting some distance between them. She wanted to say, you’ve had six years to figure it out, but knew it would be unfair. He was making progress. It was good he was moving forward. It wasn’t up to her to approve of the direction he chose. The longer they talked, the clearer that became.

Perhaps that was why his next words shook her to the core.

“I’m not sure what the future holds, Shannyn. But I am clear on one thing. I never should have left you six years ago.”

After all these years, finally hearing the words didn’t feel like she expected. It made her deeply mourn the time they’d wasted. Made her resent the choice he’d made. If only he’d stayed. Perhaps they could have worked it out. If he’d just asked her to go with him…

But she imagined getting that phone call in the middle of the night. Imagined what it must have been like for Nessa. She didn’t want to be a young woman standing beside a grave.

“You don’t seem happy.”

His voice, flat and expressionless, reached her and she snapped her head up to meet his gaze.

“It’s not that…it’s just…why are you telling me this today?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

She started to panic. He was taking her reaction as rejection and she desperately needed to understand. “It does matter, Jonas. It matters a great deal.” When he made to get out of the chair, she reached out and stopped him with a hand on his arm.

He sat back. “You want to know why today? Because I’m not afraid anymore. I needed to come clean. It’s that simple.”

Shannyn inhaled, the air trembling on its way to her lungs. “Nothing between us has ever been simple.”

“No.”

He needed to make a clean break. It was all making sense now. The words hung in the air as the silence grew thick around them. She couldn’t bring herself to answer. She couldn’t imagine delineating all the reasons why they couldn’t be together. He’d made a mistake in the past, he’d made that clear. And she forgave him for it. What good would it do to talk about it now? It would change nothing.

Her eyes stung. So much for taking that leap of faith.

Jonas pushed back his chair and stood. His weight was even over both feet, and again Shannyn was reminded of how far he’d come over the last few months with his recovery. Jonas was putting his body and his life back together. She needed to do the same. She couldn’t live her life waiting for him to make decisions. She’d learned that the hard way and she and Emma had been okay. Having him around again she’d started to think of him as part of their lives. Now she realized she had to stand on her own two feet again.

She’d always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, she realized. If only it could be as easy as putting the past behind them and moving forward.

“Come here,” he murmured in the dark.

She went to him, the evening breeze chilling her, raising goosebumps on her flesh. He pulled her lightly into his arms, resting his temple against her hair.

“You’ve given me strength, Shannyn Smith. You’ve given me strength and the courage to get through this. Don’t you think I’ll ever forget that. I owe you everything.”

She sighed, drank in his scent one last time. Imprinted on her heart every sensation of his body against hers. Then she pushed away.

“I’m happy for you.”

Shannyn was surprised at how strong she sounded. She instantly missed the warmth of his arms around her. But as much as she knew she loved him, she also knew what he was saying. He was still who he was…what he was. He hadn’t made promises or proclaimed any feelings. The very strength that she’d wished for him was now driving him away and she couldn’t find the will to voice her feelings. She was too afraid. Afraid of losing him. Afraid of growing further apart during his absences rather than closer together. Afraid that despite their renewed relationship, she’d always be the one that loved more. That hurt more.

She reached up and ran her fingers over his shoulders, imagining him in his uniform, smiling sadly. “You are still a soldier. And now a healthy one. I don’t doubt for a minute that this job will change, and you’ll be off on some new adventure. It’s who you are, Jonas.”

“You’re still scared.”

“Of course I am. I don’t think I could survive losing you again. It’s good that it’s stopping here.”

Everything in her wanted him to fight now. Fight for her like he hadn’t six years earlier. Instead he remained silent and what little hope she’d held on to died a quiet death.

“You think my life is too what, transient? Dangerous and uncertain?”

“Something like that.”

He wasn’t fighting, then. It was over. Really over. It was the ending perhaps they’d never had, but there was no relief in it. All Shannyn felt was cold resignation at the way things had turned out.

She didn’t want him to leave but understood now that it was exactly what he was doing. He had made her fall in love with him again and now he was walking away. Just like before.

When he pulled away, his hand on the railing of the deck, she didn’t stop him.

“We covered a lot of ground this evening,” he acknowledged. “Maybe it’s better to let the dust settle. Then we can meet and talk about where we go from here. We need to talk about Emma. We need to stay consistent for her, no matter what.”

“That will be fine.” It sounded forced and she knew it.

“I’m not sure when I’ll be back. But I’ll call you,” he said softly. “Give Emma a kiss for me.”

“I will,” she replied, trying to hold back the tears that suddenly threatened. They were done. Reduced to talking about visitation schedules and what was best for their daughter. Knowing that every time she saw him, she’d die a little more inside from loving him so hopelessly.

He hopped off the porch and lifted his hand in a wave before skirting around the house. Moments later his truck started, and she heard his tires on the gravel of the drive.

Worn out and overwhelmed, she sat back down on the chair, letting the sobs finally come. And tried to put together the pieces of what had just happened.

You’ve given me strength and the courage to get through this. Don’t you think I’ll ever forget that.

She’d wanted him better, had wanted him to stop suffering, had wanted to help him through it. She just hadn’t thought the cost to herself would be so high.