Chapter 14
Shannyn looked at the phone for the umpteenth time that afternoon. Each time it rang and Melanie answered it, her heart skipped a beat. Monday was the same, as was yesterday. Patients came and went, she did spreadsheets and payroll.
There was no reason for her to look for his call, but he was never far from her mind.
He’d been straightforward about telling her that he was going away to discuss future options. Who knew what he’d be doing, or where? She remembered the gleam in his eyes as he’d spoken to Corporal Benner outside the coffee shop. There was nothing he’d love more than being back with the men of his unit. She knew that.
She should have known things would only grow more complicated. Emma had asked about him on Sunday, and again yesterday. Shannyn had no answers for her as a few days turned into several. He’d said they needed to talk about Emma, but now he wasn’t making himself available. It was what she’d always feared. Shannyn was a grown up and could deal somehow. But a child didn’t understand why Daddy was suddenly just gone. Finally, last night, she’d broken down and tried calling his apartment, but there’d been no answer.
She played with a pen sitting on her desk, clicking the tip over and over. Jonas had admitted his mistake of years past. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t ignore that, even though she had forgiven him for it. Maybe he’d made a mistake leaving her, but the truth of the matter was if he’d loved her so very much, it wouldn’t have mattered. He’d have asked her to go with him. No doubts. She realized now she probably had been testing him. And she’d punished him by keeping Emma from him.
She ran a hand through her hair. She loved him; she wouldn’t lie to herself and attempt to deny it. But loving someone and making it work were two very different things. Now there was Emma in the middle, ensuring he’d always be linked to her somehow. She set her lips and went to the stacks to take out his chart. They needed to talk regardless. She wouldn’t let Emma be pushed aside like she’d been.
With a fortifying breath, she picked up the receiver of her phone and dialed the work number from his file.
When she asked for him, the polite woman on the other end apologized. “I’m sorry, ma’am, he’s on base in Petawawa.”
On base? Being out of town explained why he hadn’t called, and she relaxed. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”
The line was silent as the woman hesitated for a moment. “That will depend, ma’am, if he starts his new posting.”
Shannyn sat down in her chair, suddenly numb. New posting? Jonas was going to a new posting? And he hadn’t told her, or Emma? When had he decided? After they’d talked? Or had he known that night when he’d shown up at the soccer game?
Emma. Oh no. Her heart sank to her toes. Shannyn had her own disappointments, but Emma was different. She was too small to understand a father coming and going, always in and out of her life. Realizing she still loved him had provoked all the old fears. Shannyn had known in the beginning that no one in the military stayed in one place for long. Over the past weeks she’d conveniently forgotten it. How could she ever tell Emma that her dad had been killed in duty? She’d almost wanted him to retain a bit of injury so returning to active duty wasn’t an option. It was purely selfish, she knew. And she truly was glad for him that his leg was healed and he felt whole again. Oh, what a mess she was in.
“Ma’am? Do you want to leave a message?”
“No,” Shannyn muttered hoarsely. “No, thank you.”
She hung up the phone heavily. Suddenly things he’d said became clear. Thanking her for being strong for him. Saying he’d never forget it. No more looking back and no regrets. She’d felt it was goodbye and it looked like her intuition had been right on the money. His file still lay on her desk. She hadn’t given him a reason to stay. She had no one to blame but herself.
Nausea rolled through her stomach. She’d done it again. She’d lost her heart to him only to have him leave her without asking her opinion. He’d made decisions already and left her in the dark. Just like then, he’d charted out a life for himself and hadn’t asked for her input. Only now there wasn’t just her. There was Emma who was going to get hurt.
She let the cold anger roll in and stacked the items on the top of her desk with terrifying precision. Anger was easier to deal with than the hurt. At least last time she’d known where he was going. It had always been a given. She’d just hoped he’d ask her to go along or leave her with some sort of assurance of keeping their relationship going. This time, he was making changes and not even keeping her in the loop. After the way he’d seemingly bonded with Emma, it was hard to believe he’d do something like this without considering their daughter. She thought he’d changed.
She took his chart and shoved it back into the shelf. She deserved better. Emma deserved better. The way he’d held her, way he’d won Emma’s heart told her he owed them more.
She made it through the remainder of the afternoon simply by going into function mode. She picked up Emma at the sitters, chatted mindlessly with her about painting and grape popsicles, all the while stewing about how she’d ended up in this place again. Vulnerable to him. Waiting for him. Waiting for a man who wasn’t coming.
Shannyn took the key out of the ignition with a sigh. She felt used. Now that he was better physically, and making great strides emotionally, she felt like she was no longer needed. She’d been there while he’d been struggling but now that he was moving on with his life, she was forgettable. The woman that had helped him through his rough time. Someone he’d once loved.
She’d promised herself she’d never be that way again, but here she was. Left behind.
Emma bounced into the house ahead of her mother. “What’s for dinner?” She skidded to a stop in the kitchen, her daycare backpack dropping to the floor. Shannyn bit back her irritation; it wasn’t Emma’s fault she was in such a tumult.
“I don’t know.”
“Can we have mac and cheese? Can we?”
Shannyn’s eyes caught the red blinking light of the answering machine. Holding up a finger to silence Emma for a moment, she hit the button.
The first message was from Patty, saying that she was taking Lisa to McDonalds around six and asking if Emma would like to go along.
“Yes, yes, yes!” Emma called out, dragging her backpack through the kitchen to the table. “McDonalds beats macaroni and cheese!” She started pulling things out of her pack.
The second message was from Jonas.
“Shan, it’s me. I need to see you. I know it’s short notice, but could you come by tonight? Anytime after five-thirty is great.”
It was ridiculous, how she was affected by the mere sound of him on an answering machine. Even knowing what she did now, the husky timbre of his voice reached inside of her. She steeled herself. Likely he was going to break the news to her tonight. A new posting meant moving on. After what she’d said, she knew it meant moving on without her.
“Can I come see Daddy too?”
Shannyn hated to say no but this was one time she knew she and Jonas would be better off alone. “I thought you were going to McDonalds.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Daddy and I need to discuss some grown-up things anyway. You’d be bored.” Shannyn paused, wanting to be encouraging to Emma but not give her false guarantees that she couldn’t deliver. “I’ll talk to him though and see when he plans on visiting again, okay?”
Emma nodded, not too upset apparently. Shannyn exhaled slowly. If he were going away, she’d make sure he spent time with Emma before he went. That was non-negotiable.
She called Patty and accepted the invitation, then asked if Emma could stay there until she got back from an errand. But that left her with the problem of time on her hands and trying to keep occupied until Emma was picked up. She sorted the laundry and put a load in the washer, vacuumed the living room. Sat with Emma and read a few stories. When six finally arrived, she heaved a great sigh of relief.
Once Emma was gone, Shannyn considered revamping her appearance. She changed into a pretty skirt and blouse, then looked in the mirror and frowned. This was ridiculous. She was bracing herself for a breakup, which was funny because they weren’t really together in the first place. It was silly to dress up and look extra special. She changed out of the skirt and slid back into her comfy jeans and T-shirt. Again she met her own gaze in the mirror. If he were truly going to destroy her world, she was at least going to do it in comfortable clothes.
Tucking her hair behind her ears one last time, she took her purse, got in her car, and drove towards what she considered the end.
Jonas answered the buzzer, a smile of relief breaking out on his face. He smoothed his hands down his shirt, making sure it was tucked neatly into his waistband. He hadn’t even changed out of the dress uniform he’d worn today when he’d met the Minister of Defence. He’d removed his tie and red beret, but that was it. Somehow tonight required more than jeans and a ratty T-shirt.
She’d come. When five-thirty had passed, he’d started to worry. Had considered calling again, decided against it. Perhaps she was running late. Or couldn’t get a sitter for Emma. Finally he’d dialed the phone again.
The security system had buzzed on the third ring, and he’d hung up.
Tonight was going to change everything.
He held the door open for her, surprised when she breezed past him coolly. His brows crinkled in the middle. Her dander was up about something, although he couldn’t imagine what.
“Thank you for coming,” he started, his head turning with her as she sailed through the small foyer. There was so much he had to say. To explain.
“So, when do you start?”
“I beg your pardon?” His steps halted behind her.
Shannyn zipped straight through to the living room, planting her hands on her hips. After a momentary lapse, he followed her, confused. What was she talking about? And why in the world was she acting like he was the villain here? Her eyes met his, full of a challenge he didn’t understand.
“Your new job? When do you start? Where is it this time?”
Staccato words, so harsh. She raised one eyebrow at him, her lips set in a firm, unpleasant line. All his well-thought-out speeches evaporated. How could she possibly know? He’d only been offered the position this morning, and he’d caught the first hop back to Gagetown. He’d been home all of three hours.
“Shannyn, I can explain. All of it.” He folded his hands behind his back, trying to remain rational and not take the bait for an all-out argument. Even if her aggressive stance did try his temper.
“Oh, there’s no need. I heard all about it today. Petawawa, right? Is that where you’re going next? Or back with the Princess Pats in Edmonton? Where are you needed this time?”
“Why are you acting like this? You’re so angry!” He stepped further into the room, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers. If she’d only give him a chance to explain. Instead she was treating him like he’d done something unforgivable. “You sent me away, remember?”
Damn. He’d told himself she wouldn’t draw him into an argument and here he was, rising to the bait.
She folded her arms with defiance. “Maybe I’m angry because I finally trusted you. I trusted you to be honest, Jonas. If not for me, for Emma. And now I find out from someone else that you’re taking a new job.” She held up her hand when he started to protest. “No, don’t bother. I know a new job means a new posting and a new base. I’ve enough experience with the army to know that much. This is exactly why I didn’t tell you about Emma in the first place, Jonas. Because I didn’t want her to know—to love—a father who was only in her life when his schedule permitted.”
“Only Emma?” He smiled a little. She was covering her misgivings with blame. He took it as a good sign. Their parting last week had been surprisingly cold. But now the thought of him going away had her panicking. “Or are you afraid I’ll only let you in my life when I can pencil you in?”
“That’s ridiculous. And it doesn’t matter. You’re obviously leaving again.”
“You couldn’t be more wrong.” His voice was firm but sure. He could see what was happening. He recognized the fear, knew it was much more promising than not caring at all. He knew she was remembering how he’d left her before, and it kept him from getting too angry with her. If she’d only listen to him, she’d understand everything.
“Oh, please. Don’t insult me,” she retorted.
“Don’t insult me, Shannyn.” He kept his voice even. “I don’t know what you think you know, but perhaps you’d be interested in something called the truth.”
Her brazen sneer faltered just a little.
“This isn’t about Emma. Not really. It’s about you, and you being afraid that I’ll leave you again.”
Her mouth dropped open.
“You think I don’t get it? After we talked last week? I know now how I hurt you the last time. I don’t blame you for being scared. You don’t want to go through it again. You don’t want to go through what Nessa has gone through. And believe me, I’ve no desire to put you through it.”
“Why would you, when you clearly said goodbye?”
“Is that what you think?”
“Isn’t it true?”
He smiled a little. She was more afraid than he’d thought. He thought back to their conversation. He hadn’t meant it as goodbye at all. He’d thought they’d been finding their feet. Setting the ground work upon which to build something great.
And she thought he’d been preparing to leave for good.
He could see the vulnerability through her aggressive stance and softened his voice, trying to draw her in, make her understand.
He tilted her chin, lifting it so that his eyes burned into hers. “Do. You. Love. Me. It’s that simple, Shan.”
“Nothing is ever that simple, you know that.”
“I know I love you. Do you love me back?”
Tears burned the backs of her eyes. He was standing here saying it after all and she hated how much she wanted to hope. To believe. Damn him. Damn him for making her feel so much all over again.
“Please,” he murmured. Her eyelids fluttered closed as he dropped tiny kisses on them, the light touch making her sway. “Please tell me the truth.”
She nodded, her forehead brushing his cheek as the answer came out in a strangled whisper. “Yes.”
“Yes, you love me?”
She blinked and two tears ran silently over her cheeks. “Yes, I love you.”
Instead of the heated kiss of earlier, he drew her tenderly into his arms, resting his chin against her hair.
“Think about this for a moment. Would I have told you I loved you if I were going to give up on us?”
“I don’t know.” The vigor deflated out of her argument, the vulnerability creeping closer to the surface. She pulled out of his arms and away, where she could think clearly. “I…I’m not sure of anything where you’re concerned.”
“And that scares you.” He took a step closer.
Shannyn inhaled, trying to stop the shaking, trying to keep up the bravado. He was being so steady. Calm, refusing to rise to her prompting. Looking so tall and heroic and handsome in his uniform.
She’d thought that laying it all on the table would be quicker, like ripping off a bandage. She’d come in here with both barrels blazing, taking the offensive to cover her concerns and hurt. Full of resolve, knowing it was over between them. But damn him, he’d seen right through it. She’d felt strong in her righteous indignation. Now here he was telling her she was wrong. Recognizing she was scared. And oh, she was so sick of living in fear. With his words, she’d gone from offense to being left with very little defense.
“Shan,” he continued. Another step. “Tell me what scares you. Trust me with it. I trusted you.”
“This is different,” she murmured. “Because you scare me. I’m scared to love you.”
Jonas came all the way to where she was standing. Close enough it would only take a breath and she would feel him against her. Only inches separated them. But still he did not touch her.
“Faith, not fear,” he murmured. If only he’d realized it sooner. “I hurt you so badly the first time. I know that now. And because of it you doubt me.”
“Maybe I need a reason not to.”
He lifted her chin with a finger, touching her skin there but nowhere else. “Then how’s this for starters. I loved you then. I love you more now. Even more today than I did last week. And I want to spend the rest of my life proving it.”
Tears sprang into her eyes, and she blinked them away. She couldn’t breathe.
She couldn’t let herself be placated so easily, not when the simple words did splendid things to her insides.
“Then why didn’t you tell me what you were doing?” She challenged him, pulling her chin away from his caress. “A phone call, or even an e-mail to let me know your plans. Instead you walked away. For all I knew it was for good.”
He smiled. “I can see that you think that, and I’m sorry. It’s not what I intended. I wanted to be honest with you about the past so we could put it behind us. I didn’t mean to give you was the impression that I was putting us behind me. I told you I was exploring some options, remember? But nothing was definite, so I didn’t want to spring it on you prematurely and get your hopes up. I had meetings with some men in Ontario, it’s true. About my future.”
There were still too many blanks to fill in. “What sorts of plans?” The earlier thought of active duty leapt to front and centre. The thought of him going back out in the field, to the front line of danger…the threat of losing him always present…she couldn’t lie. She wished he’d do something other than rejoining his unit. Something safer.
“There’s something I have to know first.”
“What?”
They stood only inches apart, a standoff. Yet Shannyn felt inexorably tied to him. Like there was a cord binding them together, even when they were coming from different places.
“If my life were more settled, would you give us a chance?”
All the air seemed to squeeze out of her chest. “How can you ask that, without giving me details?”
“It’s easy. Don’t make it more complicated than it is. Forget my job. Forget the past. Forget Emma. Ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk now. If you trust me to do the right thing.”
His eyes softened, her gaze was drawn to his full lips as he formed the words.
How could she do it? Walk blindly into a life of uncertainty? Live with the danger, knowing he could be taken away from her at any time?
She’d only wanted him to ask her the last time, but it was much more than that. Loving him meant accepting the possibility of being hurt.
“Faith, not fear.” He whispered the gentle reminder.
She watched his mouth form the words. It didn’t matter. She was hurting right now. And he was standing before her, the strongest man she’d ever known, asking her to share his life. Without guarantees.
She knew the answer as it shot out of her heart.
“Yes.” The words choked out on a near-sob. “I need you, Jonas. It’s what scares me more than anything.”
Letting the words out, confessing her feelings and her fears, felt like complete surrender and for a moment she reveled in the freedom of it. Her eyes slid closed as he came closer, dropping his lips to touch hers gently.
“That’s really good news,” he murmured against her lips. “Because I thought I was alone in that particular area.”
Her lips followed his, eager to taste more now that they’d said the words. “Loving you comes naturally. Dealing with it is the hard part.”
She was suddenly reminded of his new posting, and she drew back. “But you’re leaving, aren’t you. Are you going back into active duty? Being stationed at another base?” Dread at losing him anyway curled darkly through her.
“If I were transferred, would you come with me? You and Emma?”
This, then, was the question he’d never asked the first time, and even though she couldn’t help the thread of anxiety at the thought of leaving her home and job behind, she knew this time she couldn’t back away.
“Yes. Yes, Jonas, I would come with you this time.”
“Why?”
She looked up at him. In all the time she’d known him, he’d been three men. The first was the carefree, indestructible warrior. The second a hard, uncompromising man broken by the things he’d seen and done. The third, though, the third was a mixture of those two men. A man so much stronger than the two parts that made him who he was. In his eyes she saw not only shades of his youth but a wisdom and gravity that only experience could bring. A man who felt deeply; loved his job, loved his daughter. Loved her. How could she ever let that get away? How could she give up the chance to love him? Maybe he would be back in the line of fire. But she knew that if she passed up the chance to try, she’d regret it always, and she told him so.
“Because I love you. Because I’m tired of being scared. I let you leave before because I thought you didn’t love me. I didn’t tell you about Emma because I was afraid you’d be with us for the wrong reasons and so I built a wall around my heart, told myself I was doing the right thing. I came here tonight, ready to tear into you because I was afraid to love you more than you loved me. But I do love you, I always have and being without you now is more terrifying than any of those things.”
His hand cupped the back of her neck, roughly pulling her close and cradling her head against his chest. His pulse thudded against her temple, steady and strong. She felt him swallow, press a kiss against her hair.
“I promise I won’t give you reason to regret it. I know the risk you’re taking, and I love you more for it. But I don’t have to leave, Shan.”
She pulled out of his arms. “You don’t? But what about Petawawa? The new posting?”
His teeth flashed as he smiled. “I did go to Petawawa. And I did have meetings, and I’ve been offered a position. But I haven’t accepted it yet.”
“Why not?”
“Because I needed to talk it over with you first. It wouldn’t be fair to make that sort of decision without finding out how you and Emma feel about it.”
Suddenly the tears came, great consuming ones that surprised her as much as they surprised Jonas. She hadn’t even realized she’d been testing him again or that this had been part of it, but his consulting her meant more than he could ever know.
“Shhh,” he murmured, cupping her face and wiping away tears. “You haven’t even heard what it is yet.”
A bubble of laughter rose up through the sobs. “That’s not why.” She pressed a hand to her chest and regained control. “How can I tell you what I think about it if you don’t tell me what it is?”
He grinned. “You’ll be pleased to know the job is right here. Right at Gagetown.”
“No active duty?”
He gripped her arms. “Is that what you thought?”
She nodded, flooded with relief that he wasn’t going to be back in the field after all.
“No, baby, no active duty. An opportunity came up. One so good I didn’t want to jinx it by saying anything prematurely. You and Emma…I didn’t want to uproot you from the lives you’ve worked so hard to build. I can see how you’ve built a real home for her. I want to be a part of that, Shan, not take her away from it.”
She blinked slowly. He was doing a fine job of building his case. Right now she was spellbound, hanging on his every word with breathless anticipation.
“I was offered a contract through the SAS to train Special Forces. Everything’s been spearheaded out of Petawawa, but the majority of training will be at the Combat Arms Centre here. Included in that is a chance to be a liaison with the government for anti-terrorism.”
“Oh, Jonas. You must be so proud. Of course you must take it.”
“It’s a choice assignment. I couldn’t ask for better. I couldn’t answer though until I knew what you wanted. All I knew is that it could keep me where I belong—with you and Emma. If…”
“If…”
She held her breath.
He reached into his trousers and pulled out a ring, the platinum and single diamond catching the dying sunbeams in the fading light. “I should have done this years ago, but better late than never.” He gripped her left hand in his strong right one. “If you’ll marry me. Give me a chance to be the husband and father you both deserve. Let us build a family together.” His eyes twinkled at her. “Maybe even a bigger family.”
She put the fingers of her right hand over her lips, unsure of whether to laugh or cry. She’d come here tonight prepared for a stand off, not a proposal. Not the answer to all her hopes and dreams. And she’d come in her ratty jeans, she thought. A spurt of laughter crept up and out her lips.
“You haven’t said yes yet,” he reminded her.
“It’s about time I made that leap of faith, don’t you think?” Her fingers trembled but her smile was wide. “Put it on, Jonas. Put on the ring and make us a family.”
He slid the ring over her knuckle, the diamond in the winking as she wiggled her fingers.
She lifted both her hands to cup his face.
“I love you. No matter what, you’ll always be a hero to me. You just remember that, Sergeant Kirkpatrick.”
He kissed her then, a kiss better than all of his other kisses. This one was freer, victorious, tender, passionate. His mouth was firm on hers, and she reached up and twined her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He loved her. He wanted to marry her. Her heart was soaring, so incredibly happy and relieved and hopeful.
He’d given her her hope back. What a glorious, glorious gift.
She wished now that she’d changed before coming over, especially since need was overtaking the initial rush of joy and he was tugging at the hem of her T-shirt. But it didn’t seem to matter that she hadn’t put on a lacy bra and panties; within seconds he’d undone the clasp and her bra landed on the floor with her shirt.
He was still in his uniform, and she hardly knew where to begin to undress him, but he stepped back and held out his hand.
She took it without hesitation. She’d waited too long to stop now.
Jonas led her into his bedroom. It was like the rest of his apartment; comfortable but sparsely decorated, but none of that mattered. He began to remove his uniform piece by piece, hanging it over a chair while Shannyn unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them to the floor. There was no hesitation, no shyness…just anticipation of what was to come, what they’d been missing for six long years. Wondering if it would be as good…or better. Needing to see, to touch.
Within moments he stood before her in cotton boxers, while she wore nothing but a pair of cotton bikini panties.
He took two steps and had her in his arms again, his hands roaming over her skin. “I love you, Shan. We wasted so much time…”
“Then don’t waste any more,” she whispered, running a hand over his chest. “Make love to me, Jonas. Please. I’ve been dying for this for weeks.”
A slow grin crawled up his cheek. “Weeks, huh?”
She nodded. “Years.”
Things moved faster after that. He laid her on the bed and made short work of her underwear, then teased her into a haze of pleasure with his mouth and hands. Just when she thought she might combust, he pulled away, and stripped off his boxers.
Everything tightened in anticipation.
When he slid inside her, her breath stopped for a moment as their gazes met, caught, and her heart overflowed with emotion. He was here. Her Jonas. He wasn’t leaving again. He loved her. And it was real, so real.
He lowered his head, kissing her slowly, tenderly, as he started to move. She lost herself in the sensations, unable to think. She could only feel, and the pressure built inside again, upward to the peak until the orgasm hit, fast and all-consuming. A cry erupted from her lips, which only seemed to spur him on, and he followed her over the precipice only moments later, saying her name on a gasp and a sigh.
She wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t. But she felt it. It was…fulfilment. Completeness. Happiness.
When he slid out of her body she instantly missed him, but she cuddled up next to him on the bed, their sweat-slicked bodies cooling by the breeze from the ceiling fan. He chuckled, down low, and she responded the same way, and before long they were laughing together.
“We were idiots,” he said, echoing her thoughts. “We wasted so much time.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she replied, squeezing his ribs. “We’re here now. We got here in the end.”
“It was better than I remembered.”
She smiled against his shoulder. “Like riding a bike.”
He rolled over then, and his eyes and lips sobered into a more serious expression. “Shan, I still have work to do. I’ll be in therapy for a while. I’m still going to struggle.”
“I know that.”
“But I’m going to do it. Because I’m not going to let you down again. Not your or Emma.”
“I know that, too.” She reached up and touched his cheek. “I trust you, Jonas. I’m done being afraid. Loving you means trusting you. Faith, not fear,” she whispered.
He leaned forward and kissed her lightly; a confirmation.
“Hey, Shan?”
“Hmmm?”
“Can we tell Emma?”
“Tonight?”
“Tonight.”
She imagined telling her daughter—their daughter—that she and Jonas were getting married. Emma would be thrilled. She would want to be the flower girl. That was just fine with Shannyn.
“Pack a bag, soldier,” she suggested. “We can tell Emma and you can stay the night.” As far as she was concerned, he could stay all the nights from now on.
Because if they were going to be a family, it only made sense to get started as soon as possible.