Chapter 6

When dinner was over, Shannyn sent Emma inside to change into her pajamas while she cleared the table. To her surprise, Jonas wordlessly gathered plates and took them into the kitchen.

Shannyn came back through the patio doors, folding the red tablecloth as she went. Everything had its place here. But then, she’d always felt the need for order. Perhaps it was the lack of structure she’d had growing up, once her mother left and her father had raised her alone. She’d had to take it upon herself to provide some sort of home life, but she’d only been a child. Her father hadn’t put in much effort, either. By the time adulthood came around, Shannyn had known what she’d always sensed during those difficult years. She wanted a home. A stable, secure, consistent environment. She’d been ready to settle, just when Jonas had been getting ready to explore what he’d thought were bigger, brighter horizons.

She watched Jonas open the dishwasher, loading it with the dirty dishes from the counter. Quietly she passed by him and tucked the tablecloth into a drawer. Jonas might look the picture of domesticity right now, but she knew he’d been carted from pillar to post as a child as the son of an army major. It had never seemed to bother him, moving around from one place to another. Shannyn had made a home for herself and Emma, something permanent, and it was yet another thing that kept them apart.

He put the last plate in the rack, added detergent from the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink, and started the cycle. Shannyn wondered how he felt about it now, knowing he probably wouldn’t face deployment again. Was he looking forward to less travel, or would he miss it terribly? Did he dread being sent from base to base for the remainder of his career and missing out on the action?

When he finished and turned back around, she avoided his eyes, keeping her hands busy by fussing with a dishtowel. Jonas wouldn’t stay, she knew that. But for Emma’s sake, she was glad he didn’t face the same level of danger he always had. At least she should be able to avoid that conversation with her daughter.

In the quiet of early evening, with the mess tidied up, Jonas’s next words were a surprise.

“She’s a wonder, Shannyn. You’ve been a great mom; I can see that.”

All her senses seemed to tingle as she tried to exit the intimate working area of the kitchen. “Thank you.”

His hand caught hers as she passed by.

Shannyn looked up, her blue eyes pleading with him not to make this more than it was. “Don’t. Don’t do that.”

She tugged her hand free, but he didn’t let the matter drop.

“Do what?”

“Pretend this is something it’s not.”

“I only spoke the truth.”

He dismissed her concern and Shannyn tried to tell herself it had been a compliment and a casual touch. But her cheeks flamed as his eyes remained steadily on her face. She hadn’t been mistaken about the connection she’d felt earlier. A part of her wanted to explore it, to see if it was still as strong as she remembered.

A bigger part, the broken part of her, told her to leave it alone. That they were all better off if he went his own way. Or at least kept his contact with her in reference to their daughter. She wasn’t prepared for more from Jonas. She couldn’t harden her heart and enter into something she knew ahead of time was temporary. It would be a huge mistake, and she needed to keep both eyes open.

“I’m just being honest. She is a bright, happy little girl and I have you to thank for it.”

“Even though I kept her from you.”

“Yes, even though.” He shoved his hands into his pockets.

“You’re not angry anymore that I lied to you.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Shannyn sighed, going to the table and resting her hands on the back of a chair. She couldn’t expect him to forgive her just like that. The fact that they could even discuss it now without argument was progress. Progress she didn’t want to sabotage by throwing blame back and forth. It would accomplish nothing, and Emma would be in the crossfire. Shannyn had heard her own parents arguing her whole childhood. She refused to repeat that pattern with her own child.

“You…you were great with her. Thank you.”

He took a few steps closer, so that his voice rumbled, the seductive sound raising the fine hairs along her arms. “She made it easy. I’m sorry about how things started out.” His apology was genuine. “If I’d have anticipated…”

His words trailed off, but she picked up where he’d finished. “I didn’t see it coming either. I knew she was excited. I should have been more prepared.”

“I don’t know how we could have been prepared for this.”

His words hung in the air between them. “This” meant more than co-parenting. She’d be a fool to think that it didn’t also mean the growing attraction between them. If she was feeling it, it was possible he was too. Despite all the reasons why they were angry and resentful.

“Me either. I should have thought of it. I’m awfully sorry, Jonas.”

Shannyn kept the topic on track but couldn’t help but think how odd it was that they were discussing their child’s welfare while she was upstairs changing into her nightgown. To do so after six years of no contact whatsoever, to see him, hear his voice, feel the brief touch of his fingers after thinking he was gone forever, affected her more than she wanted to admit.

“She’s not going to understand when you have to leave again.” Shannyn grabbed the stack of paper napkins from the holder and started folding them into triangles. Anything to keep her hands busy. “She doesn’t understand how the military works the way I do.”

“What do you expect from me? I can’t help that assignments change. I go where I’m needed. And in my current condition, that’s here.” He pointed to his leg. “I have a constant reminder of where my life has led. It doesn’t stop me from being her father. It’s not my fault we’re in this mess!”

She heard the bitter tone in his voice and wished he didn’t feel so angry all the time. It was becoming clearer that he wasn’t just mad at her. There was something deeper, something to do with what had happened to him, she was sure. Perhaps it was how he’d received his wound. She didn’t know and refused to ask. She only knew she couldn’t shoulder all the blame.

“It’s not exactly all mine either,” she snapped.

“If you’d told me from the beginning…”

“Are you saying you’d have left the Special Forces? Stopped being a sniper? You’d have come home to change diapers?”

“I was deployed. The decision of where I’m stationed isn’t usually up to me, Shannyn. Whether I like it or not.”

Jonas clamped his jaw shut and stared past her shoulder. It had never bothered him before, going where he was told. Yet in the last few months he’d started to resent the choice being taken away from him. “Let’s just say I don’t know what the future holds for me and I’ll deal with it when it happens,” he finally ground out.

“That really doesn’t help me prepare Emma, now does it?” She stopped her folding and finally faced him dead on. “It’s the best I can do.” He pursed his lips, resenting the fact that somehow they’d ended up arguing anyway, even though he had only wanted to pay her a compliment.

“And it’s why I didn’t tell you about her in the first place.” Her eyes narrowed with accusation. “Did you know she asked for a daddy for Christmas?”

Of course he hadn’t, but he couldn’t help but warm at the thought. It fit with the impression he’d gathered of her today. He made another attempt at defusing the situation.

“Shannyn, we’re all feeling our way around here. I’ve only just met her today. I don’t have a fatherhood instruction book telling me what step to take next. And believe me…I have enough to deal with already.”

But Shannyn was undeterred. It was like she was pushing him to admit something. “Like what? You’re working as an instructor now. That seems a pretty choice assignment for someone your age.”

The simple mention of having to deal with things made his heart pound harder, faster. It wasn’t a choice assignment. It was all he was able to do after having his leg mangled on a nameless battlefield no one was supposed to know about. He wasn’t fit to do anything else.

“That doesn’t mean I necessarily earned that spot. What do you want me to say, Shannyn? That I miss active duty? I’ll admit it, freely. I was damned good at what I did and at least there I didn’t feel…redundant.”

“Passing your expertise on to others makes you redundant?”

“It’s what they do when you can’t do your job anymore.” He spread his arm wide. “They find a place for you somewhere else. Reassign you to something in an office. Because you’re not fit to serve your purpose.”

It was out before he had a chance to think, and he realized how angry he sounded.

“You do that a lot. Say things but leave it so ambiguous it seems like a riddle. Why don’t you explain what you mean?”

That was the one thing he couldn’t do. If she looked at him differently now, it would be even worse if she knew the truth. A sheen of cold sweat popped out on his forehead. He’d let his unit down. He’d let Parker down. And they’d given him a medal and called him a hero for it. But no one understood what he’d been through.

“Jonas?”

Shannyn put her hand on his arm. He’d gone again, just like he had that other time on the Green. One second engaged in conversation, the next completely dissociated and so very, very still. Except for the nearly imperceptible trembling beneath her hand.

She didn’t know what she’d said to prompt his withdrawal, but it was becoming clearer to her that there was something else going on with Jonas. Watching him disappear from the present was frightening enough. She didn’t know if he blanked out or if he actually went somewhere else. To a memory maybe, one so potent it couldn’t exist in the same space as the present. Despite her warnings to herself to stay uninvolved, it wasn’t in her not to care.

Besides, it was in Emma’s best interest. If there were something more going on with him, she had to know. If it frightened her, she couldn’t expect a five-year old to understand.

“Jonas. Are you all right?”

Slowly his eyes focused on her again. “What?”

“Where did you go just now?”

He slid his gaze away and she knew he was evading.

“Nowhere.”

“Jonas.” She refused to let him turn away when he would have, and she reached up to cup his chin. “Jonas, please let me help you.”

Green eyes settled on hers as he pulled his head away from her touch. There was something different about him just at this moment, she realized. He seemed almost vulnerable, so different from the aloof hostility he normally used to armor himself. Perhaps now she’d be able to take advantage of a window of opportunity. Gain some understanding of what was really going on with him.

“You don’t want to help me, Shan. Trust me.”

But he used the shortened version of her name again and it tethered them together. They both knew it. It didn’t matter how many years were between them. Once his gaze connected with hers, it held. Clung. Like a lifeline.

“You should talk about it,” she persisted. “You’re so angry. I know there’s more going on than just discovering Emma is yours. More than you being angry with me for keeping her from you. Not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away.”

“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

Shannyn sighed and leaned against the front side of the counter, forgetting all about napkins and tablecloths and focusing solely on him. Jonas was weary, she realized. And not just from his injury. It wasn’t physical. But inside, where it really mattered. And he was holding it all inside where it festered like an infection. He’d only balk at tenderness. But a more logical approach…

“You need to talk about it, because right now I get the feeling you’re having a hard enough time by yourself, let alone parenting a five-year old girl.” She folded her arms. “Now that you’ve met, I know you’re going to ask for time with her. What happens, Jonas, if you have her and you lose time like you did just now?”

“I don’t lose time.”

“I just watched you. For nearly five minutes.”

His jaw hardened, a muscle twitching beneath his ear. “You’re using her to deny me access now.”

Shannyn shook her head. “No, I would never do that. You know that. The last thing I want is to put her in the middle of some ridiculous struggle between you and me. For her sake, I want to help you.”

She pushed away from the counter and went to him, laying a hand on his arm. His lack of response didn’t faze her. “I’m her mother. Before you decide you’re going to be a father, you need to act like one. And that means getting help for yourself when you need it, whether you want to or not.”

Jonas heaved an exasperated sigh and his chin jutted out stubbornly. It was a look Shannyn recognized in Emma and if she weren’t so worried, the resemblance would have made her smile.

“What’s it going to take to make you happy with this?”

The answers that raced through Shannyn’s mind were varied and surprising in their complexity. She’d thought she was happy before he came back, but sometimes now it seemed as though he’d never gone, as silly as that sounded. She wanted Emma to be happy. She wanted Jonas to be a part of Emma’s life, now that the truth was out. And she realized she might even want him to be a part of her life, even though she didn’t see how that could ever happen. He’d always be the kind of man to run off chasing a new assignment, adventure. And she’d be the one left behind again. Wanting to be a part of his life and allowing it were two very different things. Knowing what she knew about him, and what would inevitably happen, made being attracted to him utter nonsense.

But they had to build some sort of a bridge.

“A good start would be telling me how you were injured.”

He shook his head, his chin jutting out further. “No, I can’t.”

She raised her eyebrows, pulling her hand off his arm. “Can’t, or won’t?”

“Right now it’s the same thing.”

“You’re going to tell me it’s classified, right?” She blew out a puff of air, lifting her hair from her forehead. “Convenient.”

“The location is classified. The…incident…is a matter of record.”

She watched him swallow, look at his shoes, and then look up again. “I just can’t, okay?”

She accepted it because it was obvious that it pressing him would get her nowhere. Perhaps it would be better to work their way there gradually. “Okay then, how about telling me about what happened when you left me and went to Edmonton?”

She instantly regretted her choice of words. His face closed off completely, all vulnerability wiped away until he had all the openness of a classified document.

“You make it sound like I chose the army over you.”

“Didn’t you?” she asked the question without hostility. She already knew the answer. She turned to get the kettle, feeling the sudden need for the soothing effects of tea.

At that moment Emma reappeared, face scrubbed and dressed in a soft pink nightie.

“You ready for bed, pumpkin?” Shannyn put the kettle aside and forced a smile.

Emma nodded. “My story first, please.”

Shannyn took her by the hand and led her to the stairs, taking the first steps.

“Aren’t you coming, Daddy?” Emma paused and asked the question over her shoulder.

The plea was heartfelt and Shannyn let her gaze fall on Jonas, still standing by the kitchen counter. He looked so lost, a great giant without a country. But that was ridiculous. Jonas had always been the strongest man she’d known. She wondered what his answer would have been—about choosing the army over her. The way he looked at her sometimes now made her believe that he’d cared after all. That maybe he still cared a little. Just not enough.

The bigger question was, did she want him to care at all? Even if she had loved him then, his answer to her earlier question was of the greatest importance. If he hadn’t cared enough to choose her then, what made her think he’d be any different this time? And could she take that risk with her heart after letting him break it once already?

He smiled but kept his gaze on Shannyn. Before her eyes he went from looking lost to having a purpose, and she knew it was Emma that made the difference. Her body warmed beneath his appraisal.

“I’d be honoured, Emma. If your mama doesn’t mind.”

“It’s all right.”

His steps sounded behind hers as they climbed the stairs. It was an intimate sound. How many nights had she climbed these stairs alone, wishing for another’s to echo behind her?

She tucked Emma in, all the while aware of his body filling the doorway, blocking the light from the bathroom. Standing guard as she read Emma’s favourite book, Love You Forever. Waiting quietly as she tucked Emma in snugly and kissed her goodnight.

She’d nearly made it to the door when Emma’s voice stopped her.

“Aren’t you going to tuck me in, Daddy?”

Shannyn made the mistake of looking up at him. His eyes widened with the wonder of being asked such a thing, as if he’d been given the moon.

“Okay.” Hesitantly he stepped forward, smoothed the blankets about her, and leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead. “Goodnight, Emma.”

“Goodnight,” she whispered back.

Shannyn watched, swallowing against tears gathering in her throat. She’d missed him so when he went away and had often wondered what it would have been like for him to know Emma even while doing her best to protect her daughter. She still wasn’t sure Jonas wouldn’t hurt them in the end, but the tender way he was with Emma touched her deeply. It was like he put everything aside and focused on her alone.

He was here now. The more she saw of Jonas, the more convinced she was that he was dealing with something bigger than she realized. Perhaps Emma with her guileless ways could help with some of that healing in a way Shannyn couldn’t seem to.

He turned from the bedside and Shannyn saw the glimmer of tears on his cheeks before he cleared his throat. When he passed by her, his hand squeezed hers.

She turned and followed him downstairs, expecting to talk. But when they got there, he merely mumbled a thank you and left before she could say anything.

Leaving her with more questions than she’d had when he’d arrived.

On Sunday, Jonas called on the fly, saying he was heading across the river on an errand and would Emma like to go for lunch.

Shannyn paused. On his first visit they hadn’t even broached the topic of visitation. When and where he could expect visits. Yet after his episode, she wasn’t comfortable in letting Emma go with him alone. He’d only met her once, after all. The alternative was that in order to say yes, she’d have to go, too.

She held the receiver close to her ear, knowing he was waiting for her answer. And wasn’t this a slippery slope. If she wanted to keep her perspective, seeing Jonas should be the last thing she wanted. Instead, her heart leapt at the sound of his voice.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she explained. “Emma has only seen you once. I think it might be too soon.”

“Then you come, too. I have to drop something off on Main Street, and I was going to grab some fast food. I thought I could use some company.”

Well, there went that idea. She didn’t know what to say.

“Shannyn, you told me that you wanted me to be present in Emma’s life, not in and out. That’s all I’m trying to do.”

Now he was using her own words against her. Keeping him at arm’s length was proving more difficult than she’d imagined. “I don’t know, Jonas, it’s awfully sudden.”

“Come on, Shan. It’s only lunch. What else have you got going on today? It’s Sunday. It’s raining.”

“I’m cleaning the house.” She looked around at the living room, dusted and polished. A tiny white lie wasn’t going to kill her.

“It’s an hour out of the afternoon. I’d really like to see her.”

Shannyn couldn’t come up with any more logical arguments. “Oh, all right. Lunch, but that’s it.”

“I’ll pick you up in half an hour.”

Shannyn hung up the phone and frowned. The sudden urge to change into neater clothes came over her and she resisted. There was nothing wrong with her jeans or the cotton pullover she’d put on this morning. Her hair was up in a ponytail and she left it that way as a point of defiance. She was not going to make an effort to be pretty for Jonas Kirkpatrick!

Emma, on the other hand, decided primping was necessary, and the minutes leading to his arrival were spent picking out the right shirt and brushing Emma’s hair until it shone. Shannyn tucked it back with a headband and couldn’t help but smile at the pixie face grinning up at her.

“Where’re we going to eat?” Emma asked.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Jonas.”

Emma held on to the stair railing as she bounced down the stairs. “I hope it’s Wendy’s. I’m going to have chicken nuggets and fries and root beer.”

Shannyn only shook her head. Some days she wished she had a fraction of Emma’s energy and enthusiasm.

“Put your coat on, Emma. It’s raining.”

She was helping with the zipper when she heard the slam of the truck door. “He’s here. Best manners, now.”

“Oh, Mama,” Emma lamented at the reminder, making Shannyn laugh.

That was how Jonas saw them when she opened the door. Giggling like two girls sharing a secret. Shannyn’s hair was pulled straight back into a ponytail and the remembrance of wrapping that tail around his hand and pulling her close slammed into him, making him catch his breath. Emma looked up at him expectantly as she stepped outside and on impulse he reached down and scooped her up.

He held her on one arm as he smiled at Shannyn. “Let’s go. First one to the truck gets extra large fries.” He shamelessly used the old taunt from their dating days.

Shannyn shut the door and took off at a run. He couldn’t follow, and they both knew it. He was handicapped twice over, once with his leg and the other with the extra weight of Emma on his arm. She reached the vehicle and placed one pointed finger on the hood before snapping open the door and hopping in out of the rain.

Jonas leaned his head close to Emma’s and whispered, “Your mama was always a pig about French fries.”

Emma giggled and Jonas bounced her on his arm. It was probably wrong to tease Shannyn so, but he couldn’t resist. Not when she opened the door looking exactly like the girl he’d fallen for long ago.

His heart told him that a date with his daughter and her mother was the perfect way to spend a lonely Sunday.

His head was another matter. Because it came through his consciousness loud and clear that encouraging Shannyn was a big mistake for both of them.