The door to my cabin slid open. I didn't move. I lay on my back on the bunk, staring at nothing. Lowell crossed the cabin and stood over me.
"Get up," he said.
"Why?" Apathy had taken over. I didn't care and never would again. Tayvis was gone. There was nothing left for me. Maybe Jasyn and Clark and their baby. They should have had it by now. But Lowell wasn't going to let me go. I wore Patrol Enforcer black now. I wanted to die.
"Do you want me to make it an order?" Lowell asked. "Again?"
I sighed and sat up. "The medic said I had two weeks of leave."
"It's been over three." Lowell shoved a hand through his hair, more disturbed than I'd ever seen him. "You've got one hour to clean up and report for duty.".
"You won't do that to me, Lowell."
"Yes, I will, Admiral." He put the emphasis on my rank. His face was hard. "So Tayvis is dead. That doesn't mean the universe is at an end. I need you, Dace."
"For what? Let me go, Lowell. I've done what you want."
"I need you to go to Tivor."
"No."
"It's an order. You have a choice. You can go to Tivor or you can face a firing squad."
"That isn't a choice and you know it." I was on my feet shouting at him. I was angry and still in pain. He had cracked my numb shell. "I'm not going there."
"Then you're under arrest," he snapped.
"You've done that before, Lowell. It didn't work then and it won't work now. Shoot me, I won't care."
"I think you will, Dace." He stepped back from me, calm again. "One assignment to Tivor and you can go."
"You promised me that before, without Tivor being part of it."
"Before you forced me to enlist you. Jasyn is trying to find you. She heard you were safely back."
"And you're keeping me from her? I hate you, Lowell." I was fighting tears again.
"Tivor, Dace, and you can go." His face was stony, a mask that gave nothing away. But I saw the pain in his silver eyes.
"You don't need me, Lowell. You never really did." I shook my head, moving away from him to stare at the viewscreen on the wall. Anything to avoid the pain I saw in his face. He cared about Tayvis, too. "Did you know he asked me to marry him?"
"I'm sorry. More than you'll ever know. But I have no choice. I need you to go to Tivor." I heard the regret in his voice. "We'll be there in three days."
"Why me?" I closed my eyes, shutting out tears and his face.
"Because of your mother. You're the only one I can send."
"What does she have to do with me now? She's dead. She has been for twenty three years." I wanted to lash out at him. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I did. He already did. I could see it in his eyes. The anger drained away, leaving me hollow and empty. I sank back onto the bunk.
"She started a rebellion," he said. "Events caught her up. She never meant to. I need you to finish that rebellion."
"Haven't I started enough wars? Haven't I left enough planets in flame? Haven't I destroyed enough worlds?"
"One more. And I'll be there to back you up. But I can't move in until you start it."
"You don't want me to lead them to victory?" I couldn't keep the sarcasm from my voice.
"Tivor is a pivotal position now. The Federation is growing. A full dozen Patrol battle groups have joined forces with them. They're threatening the stability of the entire Empire."
"And Tivor is supposed to stop them?"
"If they get Tivor, they control shipping for most of three sectors. I need Tivor. I need the Patrol on Tivor. The current government has to fall for that to happen."
He stood over me, his gaze intense. I looked at my hands, lying in my lap. A scar ran out from under the cuff of my uniform, crossing the back of my hand.
"One assignment, Dace."
"And after that? One more assignment, and another, and another. It will never end."
"Only if you choose. I'd send someone else, anyone else, if I could. I need you."
I sighed heavily.
"You've got one hour. Otherwise I'll send the purser to drag you to my quarters." He forced a grin. "That would really cement my reputation."
I nodded.
He left, the door sliding shut behind him. I pulled my feet up on the bunk and wrapped my arms around my legs. I rested my chin on my knees.
I didn't want to live, not without Tayvis. He'd been the anchor in my life for longer than anyone else. But I still had Jasyn. And Clark. And Darus. My father would never understand if I curled up and died. No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't. Survival had become too much a part of who I was.
I'd go to Tivor. And face the last of my childhood nightmares. It didn't matter. Nothing could hurt me more than Tayvis' death. I wiped a tear from my cheek and got up to change into a clean uniform.