The thought of his family had not just made Nelson’s heart swell, it had made his entire body swell. In fact, ‘swell’ doesn’t really describe what happened accurately. It was more like Nelson had exploded from his original size to the size of a house, as quickly as a hot buttered kernel of corn pops into a puffy white cloud of popcorn.
Jim and his monsters were sent tumbling backwards in all directions as the massive and mighty Nelson Green stood towering over them, still dripping in stomach juice. He looked as if a four-year-old had had way too much sugar before designing their own Godzilla. For a moment Nelson didn’t understand how he had survived or why the cathedral looked so small, but then it clicked. He was alive, and he was huge, and it was all because of the love he felt for his family.
What a day he was having.
Nelson looked down at Jim’s little monsters scattering around his feet, and felt his lips pucker and protrude until they were sticking right out of his face like a trumpet.
‘HOOOOOOOOOONK!’
The noise was so loud that all radio waves, TV signals and electricity within a three-mile radius were blacked out by the sonic shockwaves emanating from his giant lungs.
Jim’s fear of what he was now facing was shared with his monsters. They knew their master was scared and they ran to attack the great Nelson. It was pathetic, really. Though Jim’s monsters bit and punched and beat at Nelson’s legs and feet, Nelson barely felt a thing. He knew a fight was a waste of time and that the best way to end this quickly was to do what they’d done.
And so with his four arms, and the hand at the end of his blue and rubbery tail, Nelson began picking up handfuls of monsters and shovelling them into his great trumpet-like mouth.
The taste? Well, as you can probably guess, it was hardly a delicious snack. It transpires that evil tastes worse than fried soiled nappies, but this was hardly the moment to complain about the cuisine.
Jim’s bird monsters flew into the air and tried to peck at Nelson’s head, but all Nelson had to do was swing his head from side to side for his horns to knock the bird monsters out of the air. A few of them escaped impact and dive-bombed Nelson’s face. One of them became impaled on a giant cactus needle sticking out of Nelson’s cheek. Nelson pulled the bird monster off like you would pull an olive from a cocktail stick, before swallowing the screaming bird monster whole. Yuck! That one tasted like earwax and public toilets. His great tongue, the size of a surfboard, licked his cheeks and collected up any remaining bird monsters still trying to attack his face. One of Jim’s bird monsters had tried to attack Nelson by flying up his nose. Not a bad idea . . . but this only made Nelson sneeze. The bird monster shot out of his nostrils, contained within a huge gelatinous blob of green cactus juice that covered the floor.
‘Waaaah! No! Nooo!’ cried Jim, his head only just above the green goo while his body was trapped inside it.
Nelson bent down and with all four hands scooped up the goo.
‘Please! Don’t eat me!’ cried Jim, but Nelson had no intention of eating him. With the rubbery blue hand at the end of his tail, Nelson plucked Jim out of the handful of goo like you would extract a hair from an otherwise lovely bowl of soup, dropped him on the ground, and then began to fill his mouth with great handfuls of goo-covered monsters.
Don’t go thinking Nelson was enjoying this. He was finding this as disgusting as you are, but when you are trying to rid the world of a monster army you can’t go getting squeamish. Anyway, the worst part wasn’t eating the monsters; it was the wriggling and squirming Nelson could feel as they filled up his stomach.
Nelson burped, and a plume of purple gas rose from his nostrils. Something yellow caught his eye, and Nelson noticed the last of Jim’s monsters: a bird monster on the rail of the Whispering Gallery. Nelson plucked it from the rail, dropped it into his mouth, and then bent low to address his enemy, who was cowering on the cathedral floor.
‘I’ve done you a favour,’ boomed the voice of the great Nelson.
Jim could not reply. He just shivered in fear.
‘Trust me, living with monsters is harder than you think.’ Nelson felt his stomach gurgle. Oh no. He was about to erupt.
Nelson crouched before the main door, which, even though it had been blown wide open by Jim’s monsters, was still not big enough for him to walk through. He lay on his stomach, dragged himself through the doorway and stood up in the street, just in time to feel the flames shoot out of the top of his head. It looked like a rocket launching upside down, and the flames burned so fiercely that they pushed Nelson down and down, making him shorter and shorter. And they did not stop burning until Nelson was back to his normal size, though still very much a monster.
‘Urgh,’ said Nelson with a shudder, black smoke swirling around him. ‘That was absolutely disgusting.’
Every single human being in the area surrounding St Paul’s screamed and ran as fast as they could away from the immediate vicinity. They still could not see Nelson, but they saw the flames and the destruction, and no one wants to hang around and take selfies with something as frightening as that going on.
Back inside the cathedral, Jim collapsed on the floor. It was all over, and once again, he felt like the loser in life. He felt hopeless and angry, and tears sprang from his eyes.
Nelson walked back into the cathedral, black smoke still swirling from the pepper-pot holes on the top of his head. ‘It’s all right,’ he said. ‘It’s over now.’ He felt the clarity and certainty he used to feel when he was with his monsters. They may not have been in the building with him now, but somehow the clarity was still there, and it meant he knew exactly what to do next.
‘How is it over?’ sobbed Jim. He was so weak, confused and cold that his body began to shake. The craving to be back on the sin extractor was unbearable.
‘Because we’re not going to fight any more, and you’re gonna make a new start for yourself.’
Jim snorted. He clearly found the idea of a new start preposterous.
‘The thing is,’ said Nelson, ‘I don’t know why I think this, but something tells me you’re not really a bad person. You’re just a bit of a mess, aren’t you?’
Jim just shivered, his teeth chattering like castanets. ‘’S’all right, nobody’s perfect, but everyone deserves a second chance,’ said Nelson.
‘Not me. I’m just gonna go to jail for the rest of my life.’
‘Nah. There’ll be police and ambulances and all that stuff arriving here in a minute, but you’re going to be long gone.’
Nelson reached out to Jim with one of his red hands, and Jim flinched.
‘I’m not going to hurt you,’ said Nelson. ‘In fact, I think you’re gonna like this.’ Nelson scooped a handful of green goo from Jim’s shoulder and presented it to him as a gift.
‘This is cactus juice. We call it the cactus cocktail. A bellyful of this will give you power you’d never believe.’
‘I don’t understand,’ murmured Jim.
‘It’s like rocket fuel. It puts your body and your mind into, like, a super-mode. It also heals any health injuries and makes you think straight. Here.’
Nelson gestured for Jim to take the goo.
‘Once you’ve swallowed it, you’re gonna feel fantastic and see everything clearly. Like, really clearly. And that’s when you are going to run away and start a new life. And it can be any life you want, anywhere you want.’
Jim tentatively took the goo from Nelson’s hand, though much of it slid though his fingers.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Nelson with a smile. ‘It tastes better than it looks.’
Jim nodded sadly, opened his mouth, and swallowed the green cactus juice.
‘Well?’ said Nelson.
‘It’s a bit lemony,’ said Jim.
‘Now, in a few seconds you’re going to feel amazing, but it won’t last more than twenty-four hours, OK? Afterwards you’ll need a massive sleep, but until then you are going to run as fast and as far away from here as you can – got that?’
Jim nodded, his cheeks already flushed with new energy.
‘Ready?’
‘I feel incredible,’ said Jim with a gasp.
‘And do you know where you’re going?’
The cactus juice lit Jim’s brain up like a Christmas tree, and all at once his thoughts became clear.
‘Scotland. My dad lives there. I haven’t seen him since my parents divorced. You see, I was always angry at him, but I think if I gave him a second chance . . .’
‘Yeah, Jim, I don’t need all the details – just get going,’ urged Nelson.
‘Wow. This stuff is amazing.’
‘OK. On your marks, get set . . . GO!’ said Nelson, and Jim shot off out of the cathedral like a racehorse out of the starting gate.
‘Woooo-hooo!’ cried Jim as he reached a speed usually associated with Formula One racing.