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Birth

One traditional way to celebrate the birth of a Witch’s baby is called a Wiccaning. Unlike a christening, which dedicates the newborn to the religion of his parents, a Wiccaning is simply a ceremony to welcome a child into the Pagan community and introduce him or her to the gods.

As Witches, we believe that each individual must make his or her own choice about a spiritual path, so we wouldn’t tie a small child to our own Pagan belief system. He or she will have time enough to make that choice later. Instead, we gather together—either on a family level, as a coven, or in a larger community setting—and greet the child as he or she embarks on the journey of life.

I have been to such rituals, and they can be truly moving occasions. Often, mother and child sit in the middle of the circle, and the child is presented to the community. Then the members of the child’s extended family (sometimes everyone there) come up one at a time and present the child with a gift. Sometimes there is an actual gift, usually a token of the spiritual wishes that the giver bestows. One person might give the gift of wisdom, for instance, while another offers the hope of good health.

During this ceremony, the child is formally granted the protection of the gods and the community. This does not mean that these things are not available to all Pagan children, with or without a Wiccaning—this is simply a ritual to acknowledge that fact. At the core of this ritual is all the love and positive energy that is offered to the newest member of the community and the pledges by those who will stand in for the child’s parents should there be a need for extra help or guidance.

Blue Moon Circle also celebrates the birth of a circle-sister’s child by doing a “safe childbirth” spell for mother and child on the full moon before the delivery. This spell can be done at any time in the days leading up to the birth, and it can be done by an individual just as easily as by a group.

The benefit of having a group perform the spell is that there will be a number of people focusing their energy on the goal, but one Witch with a fervent wish in her heart can certainly cast this spell to good effect. Just remember never to do this spell on a pregnant woman without her permission. (Even when carrying a new life, one is entitled to free will. Once the child is born, of course, all bets are off. Mothers of infants rarely get to be in control of anything.)

When Blue Moon Circle performs this spell, we don’t use any bells or whistles. We simply gather in a sacred circle, put the mom-to-be in the middle, and recite the spell while directing the energy of our love and hope toward her and her child.

If you wanted to do something more ornate, you certainly could, especially if you are doing the spell alone, without a group.

To raise more energy, you could clip out lots of pictures of healthy babies and moms and put them on an altar or table. If you know the gender of the baby, you could use a blue candle for a boy or a pink candle for a girl—otherwise, yellow or white is fine. Anoint the candle with the healing or good fortune oil of your choice (heather or orange would be good), and place a vase of flowers at the pregnant woman’s feet. You can use daisies for positive outcome or rose buds that haven’t fully blossomed to symbolize the mom herself.

If you have any particular gifts to give her or the baby, you can do that now. (I can tell you from experience that new moms really appreciate coupons for an hour of housecleaning, a meal she doesn’t have to cook, or a movie’s worth of babysitting.)

Then light the candle while concentrating on all your good wishes for mom and child, visualize her surrounded by a protective white light, and recite the following spell (note: if it is just you and the mom-to-be, she can recite the spell with you):

Childbirth Spell

Women by nature, Witches by choice

We speak together with a single voice

To pool our power, to work our will

We ask the goddess this wish fulfill

Aid this woman in childbirth’s bed

Cut through pain, leave joy instead

Healthy mother, healthy child

Labor that is short and mild

Birth as a blessing, come when it may

Guard this woman on her labor day

So mote it be

Coming of Age

Most ancient cultures had rituals to acknowledge the coming of age of their children. Unfortunately, this is a tradition that has been abandoned by modern society, and our youth often seem lost in a wasteland between childhood and adulthood.

Pagans recognize that this transition is an important one, and many Witches are now incorporating some kind of coming of age ritual into the lives of their children. Again, this is not a ritual that binds the teen to a religious path; rather, it is the recognition that they have reached an age where they will start making decisions on their own and bear the bulk of the responsibility for their own actions.

Coming of age rituals can take place at various times. Some children are honored when they reach sexual maturity: when a girl has her first menstrual period or when a boy shows outward signs of sexual maturity such as hair growth or a lower voice. Others choose to have a ritual at a certain age, such as thirteen or eighteen, or when a child goes off to college or leaves the parent’s home to live on his or her own.

The timing of a coming of age ritual depends a great deal on the individual—all children mature at different rates, and some parents are ready to let go earlier than others. If you are planning to have a coming of age ritual for your child, make sure that you both feel that the time is right. Sometimes a Pagan parent will suggest to the child that a ritual would be appropriate, and sometimes a teen will ask for the rite themselves. Either way, the ceremony will only truly have meaning if both the parent and the child are in agreement, so be sure to keep the lines of communication open about this issue.

A coming of age ritual is most often performed for girls when they have their first period (sometimes called a “first blood” rite) or for boys at around thirteen. There is often a version of “the talk,” in which an adult or adults will talk to the child about what it means to be entering the realm of sexual activity.

Pagans do not have the same judgmental view of sexuality that many other religions share; sexuality is not considered to be sinful or immoral, nor is there a stigma against same-sex partners. During a coming of age ritual, there will likely be a frank discussion of the realities of sexual activity, with a strong emphasis on personal responsibility and informed choice.

Should you find yourself in the position of having this conversation during or prior to a coming of age ritual, presumably your child will have been raised with the usual Pagan values, and all you will have to do is remind him or her of the importance of those basic rules in the context of sexual activity:

Harm none, which means never having sex if someone could be hurt by it (which may mean making the choice not to have sex with someone who is too young or inexperienced to make a considered decision on their own).
The law of returns, in which you treat others the way you hope to be treated yourself, and remain aware that what you put out is what will come back to you.
Personal responsibility and the rule of free will, which means that you are responsible for having safe sex and respecting the answer “no” if someone gives it to you.
Words have power, so you must always be careful to speak with love and consideration.
Magick is real and powerful—never misuse it to get sex or love from someone who is unwilling to give you those things freely.
We are part of nature, and therefore it is natural for us to be sexually aware and interested, in whichever way that manifests. But we are also divine, and so we have the choice to rise above our animal nature until the time is right for everyone concerned. And when we do have sex, it is with a respect for the spark of the divine in everyone and with loving appreciation. Just because you can have sex doesn’t mean that you should have sex. Be certain that you are honoring yourself and your partner with whatever actions you take and that love, on some level, is part of the equation.

Of course, a coming of age ritual isn’t just about a child or teen becoming sexually aware/active. It is also about them taking the steps that begin to separate them from their parents and start them on the road to becoming their own person.

This can be a bittersweet moment for a parent. The ironic truth of parenting is that if you do your work well, you end up having to let go of what you value most. On the bright side, if you really did your job well, then you have not only raised an individual who will eventually take his or her place in the community and make valuable contributions, but you will also have forged bonds that will last long after the need for them is truly gone.

In many coming of age rituals, there is a ribbon that ties the teen to the parent or parents. The high priestess or high priest who is performing the ceremony (if one is doing so), or a relative such as a grandparent, will cut the tie that binds the child to the adults who raised him. This symbolizes the fact that the teen is now his own person, responsible for his own steps forward in the world.

Keep in mind that, depending on the age of the child, this is likely to be only a partial freedom in reality, and make that clear to the child before the ceremony so he doesn’t have false expectations. Nevertheless, the point is that the child is now becoming an adult, and all those involved are aware of it.

Sometimes during a coming of age ceremony, adults from outside the family will step forward to demonstrate their willingness to act as a teacher, guide, or mentor for the child during his or her next stage in life. This is not instead of the parent but in addition to the adults who already contribute to the child’s spiritual or practical education. A single mother, for instance, may ask a male friend to assist with the transitions that come with the teen years. Anyone involved should be aware of the responsibility and be willing to take on a long-term commitment for the sake of the child.

A child may wish to design her own ritual, have a parent write it, or rely on a community elder. As long as both parent and child agree, there is no right or wrong way to go about it. In Circle Round: Raising Children in Goddess Traditions, the authors have this to say about coming of age rituals:

The most successful rites of passage have several ingredients in common: meaningful participation and preparation by the child or adolescent; community involvement; and recognition of the child’s, adolescent’s, or adult’s status by new responsibilities and privileges.

They then add a particularly helpful reminder:

Rites of passage should not be confused with initiation. Rites of passage recognize and facilitate the changes that come with maturation, while initiation is a transformational ceremony of commitment to Goddess tradition. Initiation can be taken on only by adults. (1)

This book is a valuable resource for anyone interested in coming of age rituals or any other issues concerning raising Pagan children, and I highly recommend that you take at least a quick peek before planning a ritual of your own.

Marriage

Marriage is one of the major rites of passage. It celebrates the joining of two people in a bond that is at once spiritual and practical. It is no accident that many people cry at weddings; there is little in life that is more moving than watching two people take this great leap of faith together.

Pagan marriages can differ in some respects from the more conventional sort usually seen in our society. For one thing, not all Witches choose to have a legal wedding. Handfastings, the Pagan version of a wedding ritual, may be either legally binding or not, depending on whether or not they are performed by someone who is recognized by the state in which they are performed. (And no, I’m not talking about a state of mind here.)

I became an ordained minister a number of years ago specifically for this reason. My circle-sister Robin and her fiancé came to me and asked me if I would be willing to take this step so that I would be able to marry them both legally and spiritually. (Robin’s husband is not a practicing Pagan, but he does attend most of our sabbats and is very supportive of Robin’s beliefs.)

I am not the only high priestess (or high priest) to become an ordained minister so that she can perform marriages that are considered official in the eyes of our society. I believe strongly that Pagans are entitled to the wedding ceremony of their choice, and that they shouldn’t have to choose between their religious beliefs and the law. The handfastings and weddings I’ve performed have given me some of the greatest joys I’ve experienced in my position as high priestess.

Of course, not all of the handfastings I’ve officiated at were also legal weddings. If you don’t fill out the paperwork, a handfasting is just a handfasting, recognized by the gods and the members of our community but not by the world at large.

Sometimes this is by choice; some Witches choose a traditional “year and a day” handfasting rather than one that binds for life. Or they choose to not participate in a legal ceremony dictated by a society they feel does not represent their beliefs. Sometimes it is by necessity; my first wedding rite was for two women, and therefore there was no way to make it legal.

As Pagans, we don’t differentiate between a legal ritual and a spiritual one. In the eyes of their friends and their community—and most importantly, in their own eyes—that handfasting was as serious a commitment as any accompanied by some official piece of paper.

Whether or not you choose to have a simple handfasting or a ritual that is a combination of Pagan traditions and those of a non-Pagan partner (as Robin did), there are certain elements that are likely to be a part of any Pagan marriage ritual:

the ritual is usually held in some sort of circle—For Robin’s wedding, since most of those attending were non-Pagans, we put all the chairs in a circle (three rows deep, since there were over a hundred guests), and had the flower girl sprinkle rose petals around the outside to close the circle. Most of the guests had no idea we were creating sacred space, but it was a magickal circle nonetheless.

the four quarters are called and the gods invoked—For a mixed ceremony, I recite a poem that calls on the aspects of the elements in a subtle way. For a strictly Pagan ceremony, you can simply call the quarters the way you usually do, although possibly in a more elaborate and formal manner.

the couple recites their vows to each other—At this time, they will usually specify the length of the union, whether it is a year and a day, for as long as our love shall last, or ’til death do us part. Some couples have been known to say “through all our lives to come” with the intention of uniting in each incarnation that follows. Personally, I think that’s putting a lot of pressure on a relationship, not to mention that vowing you will be together for all eternity is a little more commitment than anyone should be making, no matter how much they love each other right now. My advice, for what it’s worth: take it one lifetime at a time. That’s a big enough challenge for any marriage.

tying the couple’s hands together—Once the vows have been spoken, the officiant (the person performing the ceremony) will tie the couple’s hands together with cord or ribbon, symbolizing that their lives are now bound together. This is an ancient tradition and the origin of the term “handfasting” (shortened from the older “hand-fastening”) and the common expression “tying the knot.” The cord is then removed and placed in a special box or pouch that the couple will keep someplace safe.

jumping the broom—Another old tradition is for the couple to jump over a broom together, to symbolize the home that they will now share.

There are many variations on handfasting rituals, too many to go into here. Couples often light individual candles, then light a unity candle together and drink out of a chalice. There may be one officiant, a high priestess and a high priest, or even a Pagan and a non-Pagan minister. What makes a handfasting ceremony special is the intent of those taking part, not where or how it takes place. Love is our law and our greatest gift, and a handfasting ritual should celebrate that above all else.

No discussion of handfastings is complete without mentioning handparting rituals as well. It is an unfortunate fact of life that not all marriages or long-term commitments succeed. Even when both parties try their hardest, some relationships simply do not work out.

But as Witches, we realize that the vows made during a handfasting ritual go far beyond the legal or social level. The binding that takes part during a wedding that has taken place inside a sacred circle is a powerful piece of magick and affects those involved on a spiritual level as well.

For this reason, Pagans who are getting divorced often hold a handparting ritual to formally dissolve the connection they made earlier. If the parting is amicable, they may come together, preferably with the same person who officiated at the original wedding and some of the original guests, and state their intention to unbind themselves from each other. If the couple is not comfortable being in the same room, then each one can perform the ritual separately.

This ritual brings closure to the relationship emotionally, spiritually, and magickally, and it can help both partners to move on with their lives free of the ties they no longer desire.

Eldering

Although Paganism has been around since the dawn of time, Witchcraft as it is currently practiced by most of us is still a fairly young religion. We are only just starting to recognize the value of those who have been a major influence in forming and creating our spiritual path.

Eldering rituals are a way to celebrate the contributions of those who lead us. They can also be a personal celebration of the aging process—an open acceptance of the next stage of a Witch’s life, the counterpart of the more youthful coming of age. This is most often observed when a woman reaches menopause (in a ritual often called a “croning”), but men can also do eldering rituals at whatever age they feel is most appropriate.

An eldering is used primarily to mark the end of one stage of a Witch’s life and the beginning of another. It may take place when a longtime group leader steps down from active practice and takes on the role of teacher or wise counsel instead. Or it may signify that a woman is no longer in the mothering phase of her life and is moving on to crone.

Pagans do not have the same negative attitude toward aging that burdens most of our society. Instead, we view growing older as a natural part of the cycle of life: birth, growth, death, and rebirth. We may not be thrilled with some of the changes that come with age, but we accept that they are the way of the universe and try our best to age gracefully. This doesn’t mean that you can’t dye your hair, should you so desire. But if you want to celebrate your gray hairs, there will be plenty of fellow Pagans willing to attend the party.

Passing Over

Like growing old, Pagans see dying as a natural part of life. This is not to say that we don’t mourn the passing of those we love, but we do so because we will miss their presence in our lives, not because we think that death is something to be feared or hated.

Most Witches believe in some form of reincarnation, and we take comfort in the belief that we may someday be reunited with those who must leave us now. Many Witches also believe in the Summerland, a place of rest before the journey continues on to the next incarnation. The Summerland is said to be a place of eternal summer, warm and welcoming.

Death itself is just another part of the ongoing cycle, one that we will all take a turn at when it is our time. Many Pagans make plans for their own passing- over ceremonies, especially if they have enough warning to prepare. Friends may visit and be given last gifts, or old memories may be brought back into the light to be savored together one last time. Tears are just as likely to be from joy and laughter as they are from sorrow.

Pagan funeral rites can vary greatly. There is often a formal circle for invited guests, each of whom will share a story about the one who has passed over. There may be singing or drumming, or prayers for an easy journey to the Summerland. If the death was sudden and unexpected, those at the ritual may send light and love to help the deceased on their way.

Sometimes, especially if the death was expected and the passing-over relatively free of trauma, friends and family may skip the ritual and simply have a feast to celebrate the life of the one who has gone on.

It can be difficult for Witches who are in the broom closet if a loved one is given a non-Pagan burial because the rest of the family is of another religion or even just unaware of the wishes of the deceased. If you end up dealing with this situation, try to be considerate of the feelings of the other mourners. Attend the service if you can, and try to remember that all the gods are the same god, no matter what name is invoked during ritual. Afterward, you can have your own private Pagan memorial, and mourn in whichever way feels best to you.

If you are having a Pagan service, it is always nice to have a spell or prayer to recite together. Here is one that I wrote a few years ago; it was originally written for saying goodbye to a group member who moved away, but we realized that it could be used for more permanent goodbyes as well.

This spell can be said at the end of whatever ritual you are using, with no further embellishment. It is really more of a prayer than a conventional spell.

Spell for Saying Goodbye

We walked the sacred road as one

Brought together by fate and stars

Although our paths must part for now

In our hearts you’re always ours

The circle stretches further now

The bond is bent but never broken

Our spirit still walks the way with you

Our love in all the words unspoken

Take our prayers and take our blessings

Journey safe and journey well

Know our thoughts will travel with you

And love will go to where you dwell

God and goddess hold you safe

And if they choose to grant our boon

Someday we will meet again

And dance beneath the Witch’s moon (2)

Something to Think About:

If you are considering becoming an ordained minister in order to be able to legally perform handfastings or weddings, make sure that you are truly ready to take on this responsibility. Joining two people in marriage is a heavy obligation, one that requires you to be willing to take on part of the social and magickal weight of that union. It is not a task to be undertaken lightly. On the other hand, our community needs more people who are willing to take on this role, so if you are certain you are willing to make the commitment, by all means go ahead. Anyone can be ordained for free simply by going online and finding a site that does so. Be aware, however, that many of these sites are primarily Christian in origin and that some of them are clearly focused on money and not spirituality. (Some sites emphasis how much money you can make as an ordained minister rather than any spiritual benefits or obligations.) I don’t advise getting ordained by any site whose philosophy or energy seems “off” in any way. The one I used, after much research and soul-searching, was Universal Ministries. Here is their statement of intent:

The Universal Ministries is a nondenominational church founded in the truth of accepting the rights of all to follow their own personal beliefs without our intervention. We uphold the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, and the right of the individual to legally worship as they please. We uphold the Federal law that provides each church with the inalienable right to establish legal clergy and to appoint legal ministers within that establishment. (3)

Something to Try:

If you are going to officiate at Pagan weddings and handfastings, or if you want to write your own handfasting ritual, here are a few good books to use:

Magickal Weddings: Pagan Handfasting Traditions for Your Sacred Union by Joy Ferguson

A Romantic Guide to Handfasting: Rituals, Recipes & Lore by Anna Franklin

Handfasting and Wedding Rituals: Inviting Hera’s Blessing by Raven Kaldera & Tannin Schwartzstein

Handfasted and Heartjoined: Rituals for Uniting a Couple’s Hearts and Lives by Lady Maeve Rhea

Tying the Knot: A Gender-Neutral Guide to Handfastings or Weddings for Pagans and Goddess Worshippers by Jade River

And for women interesting in exploring their inner crone:

Goddesses in Older Women: Archetypes in Women Over Fifty (Becoming a Juicy Crone) by Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD

The Queen of Myself: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife by Donna Henes

Hidden Passages: Tales to Honor the Crones by Vila SpiderHawk

The Holy Book of Women’s Mysteries by Z. Budapest

1. Starhawk, Diane Baker & Anne Hill, Circle Round, 322.

2. First published in Llewellyn’s 2008 Witches Companion, 215.

3. From www.universalministries.com (accessed 20 February 2009).

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