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GREATEST HITS FROM THE BIBLE
The Bible is the basis of much of the great art, music and literature of the last thousand years. Even today, Nick Cave, Bruce Springsteen and U2 draw heavily on these famous stories. When U2 sing ‘I threw the dice when they pierced his side’, they are referring to a moment during the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, when the soldiers threw dice to decide who would get Jesus’ clothes after he was dead. In a recent newspaper article Nick Cave said, ‘Around the age of twenty, I started reading the Bible and found in the brutal prose of the Old Testament, in the feel of its words and its imagery, an endless source of inspiration.’ (The Age, 16 June 2001)
God put the Universe together, including planet Earth, in six days, setting a record that has never been seriously threatened. On the seventh day he took a well-earned rest – hence Jews and Christians, seeing God as a reasonable role model, also take a day off each week.
Adam was the first human being, living in a perfect environment called the Garden of Eden: sunshine, mangoes and cable TV twenty-four hours a day. When Adam got lonely (‘lonely’ is an old-fashioned Jewish word for horny), God made Eve. He did this by taking a rib from Adam and turning it into a woman. One day, a snake offered Eve an illegal piece of fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, which she grabbed and ate, also giving some to Adam. By eating the fruit they lost their innocence. For the first time they noticed each other’s naughty bits, so they made themselves fig-leaf aprons. When God saw this, he knew that they were now aware of sex, so they must have eaten the forbidden fruit. As punishment he chucked them out of the Garden, telling them that they and their descendants (that’s us) would suffer forever more. This event was known as The Fall. And boy, have we suffered!
Warned by God that he’d had about enough of the disgusting behaviour of these human scum and was going to wash them away, Noah built a big ship (and we’re talking seriously big), loaded it with his family and between two and seven members of every species on Earth (forgot the unicorns, dammit!), then sat back and waited. The big rains came and flooded the Earth for forty days and forty nights, drowning everybody except Noah and his family and animals.
God destroyed these two towns because they held a Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras every year. A man called Lot got out just in time, but when his wife peeked over her shoulder for a last look at the fire and brimstone raining down on Sodom, she was turned by God into a pillar of salt. And who said God doesn’t have a sense of humour?
Abraham was ordered by God to sacrifice his son Isaac to show his loyalty to God. Abraham took his son to a hill, tied him down, and was all set to stab him with a knife then burn the body, when God kindly changed his mind and said he’d settle for a ram instead.
The youngest in the family, Joseph was hated by his brothers because their father, Jacob, favoured him. Jacob showed his favouritism by making a special coat for Joseph (usually known as the ‘coat of many colours’ or, in the rock opera, the ‘technicoloured dream coat’). Joseph’s brothers planned to kill him but changed their mind and sold him as a slave instead.
After being a good slave to his Egyptian owner for quite a while, Joseph was framed by his owner’s wife and chucked into prison. While in prison, Joseph gained a reputation for interpreting dreams and when, two years later, the Pharaoh (king) of Egypt had a difficult dream, he sent for Joseph to explain what it meant. Joseph told him the dream meant Egypt was in for seven good years then seven bad ones. Pharaoh was so impressed that he put the ex-slave ex-prisoner in charge of Egypt to guide it through the next fourteen years.
Joseph made sure that, when the seven bad years started, the Egyptians had enough food stored to get them through. In fact, they had so much food that people from other places started arriving to buy some. Among these people were Joseph’s own brothers. Joseph gave them a hard time for a while, but eventually revealed his identity, and they had a huge reconciliation. After managing the Pharaoh’s affairs so efficiently that he ended up owning the whole of Egypt, with all the people there enslaved to him, Joseph died, at the age of 110.
You think that’s impressive? Jacob got to 147!
When the Egyptians set out to kill all the baby boys born to Jewish mothers, Moses’ mother put him in a little basket and placed it in the reeds at the edge of the river. She figured that this was the kid’s only hope. He was found by the Egyptian Pharaoh’s daughter, who adopted him. Later, Moses led the Jewish people out of slavery in Egypt, helped by God who created a path straight through the Red Sea for them. When the Egyptians tried to follow, God let go the waters and the Egyptian soldiers drowned in the subsequent tsunami.
Later, Moses went up to the top of Mt Sinai, where God presented him with the Ten Commandments, written upon two tablets (flat pieces) of stone: ‘Thou shalt not steal’, ‘Thou shalt not kill’, ‘Thou shalt not watch South Park’, etc. etc.
Samson was a huge man with amazing strength. He once killed a thousand men with the jawbone of an ass. (‘You think that’s a jawbone? This is a jawbone!’) Unfortunately, he fell in love with Delilah, who was a Philistine, and therefore an enemy to the Jews. She tipped off the Philistines that Samson’s strength came from his hair and, when he was asleep one night, she had his hair cut off. It was then easy to capture him. The Philistines had a huge party to celebrate the capture. However, in the meantime, Samson’s hair had started growing back, and when they brought him into the party so they could have a good laugh at his expense, he pulled down the pillars of the house and killed all three thousand of them. Talk about a party-pooper!
Goliath was the champion of the Philistines. The Philistines were beating the shit out of the Jewish people, the Israelites. David was just a kid who spent his days looking after sheep. Somehow, he talked the Israelites into letting him take on the giant Goliath. He took his trusty slingshot and dropped the big guy with a rock between the eyes. Later, he became a wise and much loved Jewish king.
All of these stories are found in what Christians call the Old Testament. The other part of the Bible, the New Testament, is about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ and his followers. Jewish people aren’t so interested in the New Testament because they don’t accept the Christian belief that Jesus is the son of God.
John was a local legend, a popular preacher, who told people to get ready for the Son of God, who would be along shortly. However, John wasn’t so popular with the Roman rulers of Galilee, whom he criticised for being immoral. They put him in prison but, because he had huge public support, they didn’t want to execute him. When Salome, daughter of the Governor, danced at a family party, her father was so proud that he offered her anything she wanted. She could have asked for a shopping voucher but, no, she had to have the head of John the Baptist on a tray. Her father gave it to her.
Mary (the ‘Virgin Mary’, the ‘Madonna’) got told by an angel that she was pregnant, even though she’d never had sex. This suggested that she was carrying a baby somewhat out of the ordinary. She and her carpenter-husband, Joseph, had to go to Bethlehem, but were turned away from the local inn, which was full. Forced to spend the night in a stable, Mary gave birth to Jesus there. Soon afterwards, various fans of the baby dropped in to worship him: three shepherds and three wise men or kings, all guided there by an extraordinary bright star.
As a young man, Jesus got a reputation for out-arguing the so-called experts on God’s scriptures, for kicking money-changers out of the temple (‘You have made my father’s house a den of thieves,’ he told them), for teaching some great lessons about life, and for performing miracles. The miracles included turning water into wine, healing lepers and blind people, walking on water to save friends whose boat was in trouble, turning a few loaves and fishes into enough food for thousands of people, and restoring a dead man, Lazarus, to life.
He preached a famous sermon called ‘The Sermon on the Mount’ in which he told people: ‘Blessed are the poor, blessed are the peace makers, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek, blessed are the merciful, blessed are the pure in heart.’
Jesus gathered around him twelve apostles, all Jewish men. The fact that they were men has been used by the Roman Catholic Church for two thousand years as the reason for not allowing women to be priests. The most famous apostles were Peter (Jesus changed his name from Simon), James, Matthew, John and Judas Iscariot. Peter and James became the leaders of the Christians after Jesus was killed.
Judas became famous for the wrong reasons. When the Romans decided to arrest Jesus, who had made some powerful enemies, Judas sold out and told them that Jesus could be found in the Garden of Gethsemane.
After Jesus was arrested, the Roman Governor, Pontius Pilate, wasn’t too keen on executing him, as he thought the guy was innocent. He told the mob that he would set free either Jesus or another man, Barabbas, hoping they’d pick Jesus. The mob, showing the usual good sense of mobs everywhere, picked Barabbas.
Jesus was crucified (nailed to a cross and left to die) between two thieves on a hill called Calvary, outside Jerusalem.
It took him six hours to die. Three days after his death, witnesses reported that they had seen him alive. His body was said to have gone from his tomb. Christians believe that he was the son of God, and that he died, came back to life, and then went up to Heaven, back to his father. They believe that he died on behalf of the world’s sinners, as a sacrifice so that sinners could get a second chance to be good.
At Christmas, Christians celebrate Jesus’ birthday, on Good Friday they mourn his crucifixion, and on Easter Sunday they celebrate his resurrection (rising from the dead).