8.
CLASSIC FAIRY STORIES
Nothing in life is simple, and that includes fairy stories. These stories weren’t told just to entertain kids. They were powerful little numbers that gave children a road map for life. By listening to these old tales, children learnt about fear, ambition, status, vices and virtues, whom to trust and whom not to trust. Today, film makers, authors, artists and musicians constantly draw on these stories for inspiration. After all, what was Pretty Woman, starring Julia Roberts, but a retelling of Cinderella?
Fed up with the costs of raising three little pigs (and quite likely pregnant again, the slut), Mrs Pig tells her kids to nick off. Each little pig decides to build himself a house. The first one chooses a house of straw, the second a house of sticks, and the third goes for your classic A.V. Jennings brick. Along comes the big bad wolf, who knocks on each door and cries: ‘Let me in, let me in.’ The pigs reply: ‘Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin’ – in other words, ‘Piss off.’ The wolf comes back with: ‘Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down’ and proceeds to do so, easily demolishing the first two houses. The third house, however, presents a different problem, and the wolf is unable to blow it down. Eventually, he figures out that his best plan is to go down the chimney. Although we might expect the third pig to be lost in grief for his dead brothers, he shows no sign of this and, instead, thinks fast enough to put a pot of boiling water on the fire. The wolf comes down the chimney where he suffers a horrifying death from third-degree burns, the details of which are never given in the fairy stories.
Cinderella is stuck with all the crap jobs by her horrible stepsisters. She has to stay home unloading the dishwasher and feeding the dog while they go out to nightclubs and bars. When the handsome Prince decides to have a party, Cinderella doesn’t even get an invite. As she is sitting in the kitchen feeling sorry for herself, her fairy godmother turns up, changes Cinders’ rags into good clothes, a pumpkin into a golden coach, and rats into horses. Cinderella goes to the ball, where the Prince sees her, and they fall instantly in love. But Cinderella has been warned by her fairy godmother to be out of there by midnight. As the clock strikes twelve, she remembers this and takes off down the steps, leaving a horny prince behind. She also leaves a glass slipper. The Prince grabs it and goes looking for the woman who wore it. He goes right around the kingdom, trying the slipper on the feet of anyone who applies. Cinderella’s stepsisters, in a tragic bout of self-mutilation, slice pieces off their feet to make sure the slipper will fit but, eventually, the Prince realises that they are fakers. He finds the slipper only truly fits one foot, that of Cinderella. I think we can assume that they live happily ever after.
Goldilocks is a beautiful child who finds a little house in the woods, which she enters. The house is normally occupied by three bears who, however, are out at the time. Goldilocks samples the bowls of porridge the three bears have left on the table. The porridge belonging to Father Bear is too hot to eat, and the porridge belonging to Mother Bear is too cold. But the bowl of porridge intended for Baby Bear is perfect, so Goldilocks, showing a horrifying disregard for the rights of property owners, immediately eats the lot. She tests the chairs and the beds and in each case finds the ones for the parents don’t suit her, but the one for the baby is just right. She falls asleep in the baby’s bed and the Bears, returning home, find her there. Hardly a great plot, I’d have to say.
When Hansel and Gretel’s father remarries, there is not enough food at home for the two kids, so their father, urged on by his new wife, agrees to take them into the woods and leave them there. As you do. The first time, Hansel is smart enough to get him and his sister home again, though you wonder why they’d bother, but the second time they are well and truly lost. Eventually, they come to a house made of cake and gingerbread, and covered with Jellybellies, licorice allsorts and other nice lollies. Inside lives a witch, who uses the house to trap kids. She adds Hansel and Gretel to her collection, keeping Hansel in a cage and fattening him so she can eat him. As you do. Clever Gretel, however, tricks the witch into getting inside her own oven, then slams the door on her, leaving her to bake. Hansel and Gretel somehow find their way home this time, and learn that their stepmother has conveniently died. Their father is delighted to see them, and they all live in bliss for the duration of their lives.
When Snow White’s new stepmother is told by her magic mirror that Snow White is more beautiful than she is, the stepmother chucks the biggest wobbly of all time. She tells a woodsman (like, a park ranger, kind of) to take the girl into the forest and kill her, but he’s a nice guy and can’t bring himself to do it. Left to herself, Snow White wanders around until she meets up with seven dwarfs, and she becomes their housekeeper. Thanks to the magic mirror, her stepmother knows that Snow White is still alive. One of her employees talks Snow White into eating a magic apple (even worse than a magic mushroom), and Snow White goes into a coma. She stays that way until Prince Charming wakes her with a kiss, they fall in love, get married, etc. etc. Have you noticed how often in old stories getting married automatically means that you live happily ever after? Nowadays, in American movies, getting a huge amount of money has the same effect.
The sneaky Puss in Boots is left to a young man by his father. The young man thinks this is a bum deal, considering that his oldest brother scored a mill, but the cat reassures him. All the cat asks for is a bag and a pair of boots, which his young owner gives him. Each day the cat catches rabbits and takes them to the king, saying they are a present from his boss, who he pretends is a really rich man. Eventually, the cat arranges a meeting between his master and the king, and, of course, the king’s daughter. The king takes the young guy for a ride, and all along the way Puss has tricked people into telling the king that the land they see belongs to the young man. The king is really impressed, and the princess is even more impressed.
Staying ahead of the king’s coach, Puss comes to a huge castle. An ogre owns it. This guy can change himself into any shape. To prove it he changes himself into a lion, which the frightened Puss thinks is a joke in poor taste. But, when he becomes an ogre again, the cat tricks him into changing into a mouse. As soon as he does, the cat eats him. When the king and his guests arrive at the ownerless castle, the cat welcomes them in the name of his master, claiming that it’s just another part of the young man’s property. By now, the king and the princess are so impressed that they can’t get to the church fast enough for the wedding ceremony.
Told by her mother to take a basket of goodies to her grandma, this naive child sets off. On the way she meets a wolf and, ignoring all the ‘talking to strangers’ warnings, she tells the wolf where she’s going. The wolf gets there before her and ties up Grandma, then hops into Grandma’s bed to impersonate her. Little Red Riding Hood arrives and notices that her granny looks different. Duh! When she questions the wolf about his strange ears, eyes and teeth, the wolf reveals his true identity and announces that he is about to eat young Red. In the nick of time, however, a hunter bursts in without even knocking and kills the wolf. Why the wolf didn’t just eat Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and save all this mucking about remains a mystery.
The old cow’s drying up and it’s time to get rid of her. Given this job by his mother, Jack sets off to take the cow to market, but on the way he is conned into swapping the cow for a handful of beans. Jack’s mother can’t believe how stupid he’s been and she chucks the seeds out the window. Next morning, the beans have grown into a mighty big stalk. Jack climbs the beanstalk and finds a giant, who says ‘Fee Fi Fo Fum’ and scary stuff like that. Jack steals golden eggs from him, then some time later goes up again and steals the goose that laid the golden eggs. On a third trip he kleptoes a golden harp. By now the giant is thoroughly pissed, and starts down the stalk to catch this irritating kid, but Jack grabs an axe and chops the stalk off. Proving the old maxim that ‘the bigger they are the harder they fall’, the giant crashes to the ground and is killed. Jack and his mum live hap . . . I think you know that bit.
In this Hans Christian Andersen story, a duckling is so different from his brothers and sisters that his self-esteem goes way down. He thinks he’s an ugly freak. But when he hits adolescence it turns out that he’s not a duck at all but a swan, and a pretty damn sexy one at that. Moral: there’s hope for us all.