Every night, my wife and I engaged in the same routine: She put our daughter to bed, brushed her teeth, and freshened up. Slipping under the covers, we exchanged glances and knew it was time to do what comes naturally for a couple in bed—she began to fondle her cell phone, while I tenderly stroked the screen of my iPad. Ooh, it felt so good.
We were having a love affair with our gadgets. Apparently, we weren’t the only ones substituting Facebook for foreplay. According to one survey, “Almost a third of Americans would rather give up sex for a year than part with their mobile phone for that long.”
Before we learned to become indistractable, the allure of notifications on our smartphones proved hard to resist. Promising to reply to just one more email after dinner quickly turned into forty-five minutes of lost intimacy later that night. We’d fallen into an evening ritual of solitary tech checking until midnight. By the time we each got to bed, we were too tired to talk. Our relationship, not to mention our sex life, suffered.
We were among the 65 percent of American adults who, according to the Pew Research Center, sleep with their phones on or next to their beds. Since habits rely on a cue to trigger a behavior, action is often sparked by the things around us. We decided to move our phones from our bedroom to the living room, and with the external triggers gone, we regained a bit more control over our techno-infidelity.
But after a few phone-free evenings, I began to notice a stressful anxiety. My mind became occupied with all the things calling for my attention. Had someone sent me an urgent email? What was the latest comment on my blog about? Did I miss something important on Twitter? The stress was palpable and painful, so I did what anyone who makes a firm commitment to breaking a bad habit would do: I cheated.
With my cell phone unavailable, I needed to find a new partner. To my relief, I felt the anxiety melt away as I pulled out my laptop and began to bang on the keyboard. My wife, seeing what I was doing, pounced on the opportunity to relieve her own stress, and we were back at it again.
After a few late nights on our machines, we sheepishly admitted that we had failed. Embarrassed but determined to understand where we’d gone wrong, we realized we had skipped a critical step. We hadn’t learned to deal with the discomfort that had drawn us back in. With self-compassion, this time, we decided to start by finding ways to manage the internal triggers driving our unwanted behaviors.
We implemented a ten-minute rule and promised that if we really wanted to use a device in the evening, we would wait ten minutes before doing so. The rule allowed us time to “surf the urge” and insert a pause to interrupt the otherwise mindless habit.
We also connected our internet router and monitors to seven-dollar timer outlets purchased at a local hardware store and set them to turn off at 10 pm each night. Using this effort pact meant that in order to “cheat” we would have to uncomfortably contort behind our desks and flip the override switch.
In short, we were making progress by using all four methods for becoming indistractable. We learned to cope with the stress of stopping our compulsion to use technology in the evening, and, over time, it became easier to resist. We scheduled a strict bedtime, claiming the bedroom as a sacred space and leaving external triggers, like our cell phones and the television, outside. The outlet timer that turned off the unwanted distractions made compliance with our precommitment something we came to expect every night. We began to use our reclaimed time for more “productive” purposes as we gained greater control over our habits.
Though we were proud of our tech-blocking invention, many routers like the Eero now come with internet shut-off capabilities built in. If I lose track of time and try to check email after ten o’clock, a message from my router reminds me to get off the computer and go snuggle with my wife.
Distractions can take a toll on even our most intimate relationships; the cost of being able to connect with anyone in the world is that we might not be fully present with the person physically next to us.
My wife and I still love our gadgets and fully embrace the potential of innovation to improve our lives, but we want to benefit from technology without suffering from the corrosive effects it can have on our relationship. By learning to deal with our internal triggers, making time for the things we really want to do, removing harmful external triggers, and using precommitments, we were finally able to conquer distractions in our relationship.
As you read in part one, “Being indistractable means striving to do what you say you will do.” To strive means “to struggle or fight vigorously.” It does not mean being perfect or never failing. Like everyone, I still struggle with distraction at times. When I’m particularly stressed or my schedule changes unexpectedly, I can fall off track.
Thankfully, the five years of researching and writing this book have taught me how to fight distraction and win. Distractions still happen, but now I know what to do about them so they don’t keep happening. These techniques have allowed me to take control of my life in ways I never could before. I’m as honest with myself as I am with others, I live up to my values, I fulfill my commitments to the people I love, and am more professionally productive than ever.
Recently, I revisited the conversation I’d had with my daughter about what superpower she’d want. After apologizing to her for not being fully present the last time we had the conversation, I asked her to tell me her answer again, and what she said blew me away: she said she wanted the power to always be kind to others.
After drying my eyes and giving her a big hug, I took some time to think about her answer. I realized that being kind was not a mystical superpower that required a magical serum—we all have the power to be kind whenever we want to be. We simply need to harness the power that’s already within us.
The same is true for being indistractable. By becoming indistractable, we can set an example for others. In the workplace, we can use these tactics to transform our organizations and create a ripple effect both in and beyond our industries. At home, we can inspire our families to test these methods for themselves and live out the lives they envision.
We can all strive to do what we say we will do. We all have the power to be indistractable.
REMEMBER THIS
• Distraction can be an impediment in our most intimate relationships. Instant digital connectivity can come at the expense of being fully present with those beside us.
• Indistractable partners reclaim time for togetherness. Following the four steps to becoming indistractable can ensure you make time for your partner.
• Now it’s your turn to become indistractable.