Emery opened my car door and held out his hand for me to grab. My fingers slipped across his palm and I clasped his wrist, letting him pull me to my feet. Once I was outside, standing at the mouth of the Webb’s driveway, he led me closer to him, gripping me with one arm while his other carried a birthday gift.
“Thank you for coming tonight,” he said.
The Webb’s house was less than twenty feet away. I could hear music coming from inside. I knew all the people in there, the owners of all these cars in the driveway, and how they’d greet us the second Emery and I walked through the door.
And that was part of the reason my stomach had been in knots all day.
This was the first time in five months that I was attending a party. Those had been the worst months because of my father, because of all the tests and treatments the doctor had been experimenting with.
When I was aching so badly on the inside, it was too difficult to smile with friends. I had a mask I was an expert at putting on that I wore for my family and colleagues. But, beyond that, I just didn’t have it in me to go out and mingle.
Emery had been after me to respond to Alicia Webb’s text, regarding her husband’s forty fifth birthday, which was taking place tonight at their home. I didn’t want to go, but Emery gently pushed. With a softness in his voice, he reminded me it had been two months. He said it so sweetly again this morning and when we were getting into his car to come here. He must have thought I needed to hear that number over and over to feel better about this as though there were a reasonable period of mourning and I had reached it.
Time wasn’t something I had a problem keeping track of anymore. Emery just didn’t understand that.
I glanced to my right, then the left, making sure we were alone before I said, “I’m not sure I’m ready for this.” The air was so cold, it looked like smoke was coming from my lips.
Emery pressed into me even more, his wool jacket rubbing against mine. His exhales kept me warm, heating my face after each one. “These are our friends, Jess. They love you. They miss you. They miss us.”
He was right.
The majority of the people in that house were our friends. They had sent food, they’d come to the funeral, they extended invites even though I continuously declined.
That didn’t make tonight any easier.
“Can we at least leave before eleven?” I slid my hands to the lapels of his coat. It was eight now, the party had started at seven. We were never normally late to anything. Had I wanted to be here, we would have been on time. “You know the Roys will stay until at least two and I’m sure the Foxs have hired a new nanny by now, so they probably won’t even go home.”
His thumbs pressed into the center of my cheeks, his lips wet from licking them. “Of course, baby.” The lights shined across the driveway and lit up his face, showing how intensely he was staring at me. “But just try to enjoy yourself tonight.” His eyes dropped to my mouth. “You look so beautiful.”
I was covered in a jacket and there was a scarf wrapped around my neck. He couldn’t see what I looked like. Maybe that was the point and he had intended to make me laugh.
I kissed him for trying, then he whispered, “It’s time,” as I pulled my mouth away.
I felt his fingers search for mine and when they linked together, he began to lead me up the driveway, stopping on the last step to press the bell.
Several seconds passed before the door opened and Alicia appeared. “Emery,” she said, smiling at him, leaning in to kiss his cheek. Her grin turned sympathetic when she turned to me. “Oh, honey, get over here.” I was suddenly in her arms, getting squeezed, “You know how sorry I am about your dad,” being whispered in my ear.
“Thank you,” I replied.
My eyes connected with Emery’s as he walked into the house, heading to the mancave where the husbands always hung out and played cards, drinking scotch, and smoking cigars. The women would be in the kitchen where there was plenty of wine.
“Come on,” Alicia said, “the girls are dying to see you.”
Her hand clung to my arm and I rushed behind her, still wearing my jacket, as she pulled me through her house.
“Jesse, you’re finally here,” I heard the moment my feet hit the threshold of the kitchen.
I looked for the source, but there were at least ten women in here, which made it too many to tell.
“Hi, ladies,” I replied, unwrapping my scarf and unbuttoning my jacket, setting both on a chair, then I moved over to the island.
“Red or white?” Alicia asked.
Before I had the chance to respond, someone wrapped their arms around me, hugging me so hard.
“Red,” I called over the hugger’s shoulder.
“Emery told Dennis all the details,” the hugger said. Now that I heard her voice, I realized it was Karen, the wife of our attorney whose home Emery had designed. “I can’t even imagine how hard that was to see. Or what it was like to go through that. Or how you are all healing from this.”
“Thank you,” I whispered as she pulled away.
It didn’t matter how soft I spoke, everyone in this house had heard what my family had gone through. Burlington wasn’t gossipy, but when it came to health, word traveled fast.
“How are you holding up,” Belle, a neighbor, asked.
The mask was on so tight, it was cutting off all my air, especially with having all of these eyes on me, the kitchen silent as they waited for my response. I had to say something. I looked at the glass of wine Alicia was pouring for me and shrugged. “I don’t know, honestly.”
Karen wrapped her arm around me. “That’s understandable. You take as much time as you need. This isn’t going to feel better over night.”
Alicia set the glass in front of me and said, “Jamie says you haven’t been in the office much.”
Jamie was Alicia’s daughter who was a senior at the University of Vermont, studying marketing, and doing an internship at Cinched for the year. I’d been so preoccupied, I’d forgotten she was there and that would have noticed my absence and reported it back to her mom.
Since that was the case, then there was a chance everyone in this house had already heard the latest news. If by chance they hadn’t, then they were going to now. “I pulled back from Cinched. With everything going on it was just time.”
“Of course it was,” Alicia said, putting her hand on my arm while Karen tightened her grip on my shoulders. “When I lost my mom, I couldn’t sleep. I’d just lie awake and think about her. Finally, I went to my doctor and he had to put me on something because I couldn’t function anymore. It was awful.” Her fingers rubbed over my sweater, her thumb swiping back and forth like she was deleting emails. “My mom died in her sleep. But if I had to watch her cling to life for as long as your dad did …” Her eyes began to fill. “You haven’t had it easy, honey.”
I couldn’t comment. I couldn’t even agree. If I did, I’d fall apart and that didn’t need to happen in her kitchen. So, I focused on something that wouldn’t make me cry. “It’s amazing how many closets go neglected when you work eighty hours a week.” I tried to smile. I was sure it looked forced, but it was still on my lips. “I have lots to keep me busy.”
“If you don’t ever go back to Cinched, that’s okay, too,” another woman said. “Now, maybe you’ll have time to meet us for lunch.”
I didn’t look at her.
I didn’t look at anyone.
I smiled and sipped my wine and when an appropriate amount of time had passed, I excused myself to the bathroom. On the way there, in the hallway, I saw Emery standing in the doorway of the mancave. He was staring at me, reading my expression, waiting for me to give him some kind of reaction. When I didn’t, he mouthed, “Are you okay?”
He needed me to be okay tonight, to have his wife with him while he unplugged with his friends and celebrated the Boston project. He needed to have a few drinks and laugh about his buzz on the way home and make love to me the second we got in our bedroom.
For that reason I mouthed back, “Yes, I’m fine.”