Are you a perfect schmoozer or a schmoozer wannabe? A perfect schmoozer can talk about anything with anybody because s/he listens, ask loads of questions, and is truly interested in what the other person has to say.
The perfect schmoozer has the gift of gab, makes small talk a hobby, and speaks in a way that just flows. They also often have a great sense of humor and a playful attitude. Sounds like a great combination, right?
Well, you can be that same type of person! Even if small talk does not come naturally to you, you can change that. Read on and practice what I preach. As the queen of schmoozers, I’ll show you how to replace your small talk jitters with self-assurance and ease. With the right tools, we all can be the perfect schmoozer. Are you ready to learn how?
Great opening lines fit like a glove. They’re like your favorite pair of sweats, softest sweater, most comfortable pair of shoes, or most beat-up jeans. You want to wear them over and over. And you can! When you have a great opening line that works, use and reuse it to your heart’s content (as long as you use it on different people).
Want to deliver your own impressive opening line? Let’s start with the basics. An opening line is a statement or question that gets the attention of your flirting interest. It can be funny, intriguing, or complimentary (as long as it works). Strong, thoughtful opening lines make a fabulous first impression, break the ice between you and your flirting interest, and help establish a warm connection.
THE BENEFITS OF BEING PREPARED
To deliver the best opening lines, however, you must remove any possible mental obstacles. In my experience, these obstacles happen for three reasons: worrying too much, clamming up, and feeling embarrassed. We need to let all of that go.
People sometimes obsess over crafting the “ultimate” opening line and waste more time thinking about it than actually saying something. If you find yourself in this dilemma, remember that any opening line, by its nature, carries with it inherent risk; but even a bad one can be saved (we’ll get to that later). You just have to try. There are thousands of great opening lines; just pick one and use it. When worrying starts to overcome your thoughts, remind yourself that nothing ventured is nothing gained!
I call the second obstacle the flirting freeze moment, when instead of making the first move, we clam up and go mute. This is especially common with flirting interests to whom we feel highly attracted—as the stakes increase, our anxiety and reluctance rise as well (go figure!). Get out of the deep freeze by facing your fear. Just start talking! I promise the jitters will fade as your conversation takes off.
Lastly, we have all worried about embarrassment over not getting the exact response we want. But won’t you be more embarrassed if you do nothing? Remind yourself that a person really worth your time will greet your line with kindness.
WHAT MAKES AN OPENING LINE GREAT?
Rather than listing hundreds of opening lines for you to memorize, I want to give you a variety of strategies to use to create your own unparalleled, out-of-the-ordinary opening lines. Once you learn the strategies, it will be a piece of cake to adapt your opening lines to any situation. (A skilled flirter can successfully employ more than one strategy at a time, so feel free to mix and match.)
My flirting students always ask, “What is the best opening line? I never know what to say.” For beginners or those intimidated by the thought of approaching another person, I say this: Don’t sweat it!
By far, the best opening line is an energetic, confident, animated “hi” or “hello.” Why is it so effective? Because it is simple, direct, and honest. You don’t have to worry—especially if you have the flirting jitters (which we all get)—about making a long opener. You just have to utter a single, simple word. Team that word with warm eye contact, a big smile, and a quick introduction, and who can resist? (When you’re feeling ready to make your next move, head to strategy #2.)
FLIRTING TIP: DON’T BE SHY WITH YOUR HELLOS
Compliments make great opening lines because everyone loves to be noticed and told something affirming. It makes people feel special and secure.
From my arsenal of opening-line strategies, using compliments is my all-time favorite. It is the most natural way to start a conversation, and it always generates pleasurable results. Complimenting someone also continues a conversation. It sets a positive, upbeat tone. Think about how you feel when a stranger takes the time to compliment you. When I receive a compliment from a stranger, I beam from ear to ear. It’s instant happiness.
What elements make up a great compliment? First and foremost, it is honest, genuine, and sincere. Your flirting interest will see right through one that’s not and feel awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassed. If you can’t find something about which to compliment someone, move on to another strategy (or another person).
Second, exceptional compliments have the element of surprise and are specific. The surprise factor heightens the compliment’s effect exponentially. Imagine that you have received the same compliment a million times: that you look like an actor/actress or sports figure or that you have big eyes or great hair. Hearing the same compliments is nice—but nothing special. Then you receive an unexpected compliment or one that tells you your flirting interest pays attention. It makes you perk up.
Here are some examples of exceptional compliments:
• To a guy in shorts: “Great legs…are you a triathlete?”
• To a stunning woman you hear speaking: “You have a great voice… are you in radio?”
• To an attractive guy standing in line next to you: “I am so impressed by the fact that you seem so calm even though we’ve been waiting for forty-five minutes.”
• To a woman standing in a bar: “Your shoes are so perfect for your outfit.”
• To a man talking to his friend: “I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation; you sound like such a cooking expert—and I could seriously use some tips.”
Don’t you love when a person uses your name? Don’t you hate it when your name is Elizabeth and someone calls you Betty, you’re a Maria and you get called Marie, or your name is Tim and someone calls you Tom? It’s crucial to get names right. When you use a person’s name in a conversation, their ears perk up and their interest in you grows.
The quickest and easiest way to use a person’s name is upon introduction. When introduced, immediately say, “It’s so good to meet you, [insert name].” Repeating it right away will help you remember the name and context for the meeting and communicate to the other person that you were listening.
After your initial use, incorporate the name into the conversation a few more times using lines similar to the following:
• “Fran, can I get you anything?”
• “Fran, is that short for Francesca?”
• “Fran, do you have a pen I may use?”
Focusing on a person’s name also provides a great springboard for some interesting conversation. Ask about the story or meaning behind a person’s name, whether s/he has any nicknames, or what his/her middle name is.
FLIRTING TIP: FORGOT A NAME? GET IT BACK!
Imagine you’re at a wedding, waiting in line, on the train, perusing a bookstore, or doing just about anything. You see someone who catches your eye. You want to say something. You really want to meet that person. But you get nervous and still don’t know what to say. You need to come up with something—fast!
Look around you. Your surroundings will give you so many conversation topics. Think about what you see, what you hear, what you notice, or what you smell.
Check out anything and everything around you, from the carpet’s color to the coffee’s aroma to the way the bartender mixes the drink to the excitement you feel about seeing the concert that’s about to start. Then comment about it. Talk or state an opinion about the people, food, décor, host, bride, wait, price of gas, item in the store you can’t find, adorable child—anything!
Think of your surroundings as your flirting first aid rescue. Use them to stay in the moment and connect with your flirting interest. After all, you already have something in common—you are waiting in line together, taking the same class, or guests at the same party. Use that to your advantage.
WHAT A GREAT OPENING LINE IS NOT
What can you do if you feel shy or unsure of yourself but don’t want to miss out on a flirting op? Ask a flirtatious question!
What is a flirtatious question? It’s upbeat and positive, intriguing and complimentary, gets the other person talking, and can be answered with more than a “yes” or a “no.”
Why ask flirtatious questions? They jumpstart the conversation and determine whether the initial attraction lives on. Getting an answer to your question is a bonus!
FLIRTING TIP: ASK ANYWAY!
From starters to silly ones, questions can make your flirting talk exciting and interesting. I have outlined some examples for you below, and I encourage you to use them as a guide. Try coming up with some of your own, with charm and personality to make them reflect you.
I know this sounds like a contradiction, but sometimes the best opening line is saying “goodbye.” This can work if:
• You’ve spent the whole evening building up your courage to say hi but never did.
• Your flirting interest arrived, and you were leaving.
• You didn’t approach him/her, and now the party is over.
In these situations, say, “Hi. I was on my way out, but I didn’t want to leave without introducing myself. I’m Josh.” You may delay your departure if your goodbye is a success! At places you frequent such as the gym, coffee shop, supermarket, post office, or bank, you could just say, “Bye! Have a good weekend,” and when you see the person next, say, “Good to see you again” followed by a compliment or question.
TRANSFORM YOUR QUESTION FROM DULL TO DYNAMIC
Let’s make sure you’re ready to make the first move in style. Read each of the following opening lines and answer “yes” if you think it’s a good pick-up line or “no” if you think it should be dumped.
1. “Your outfit looks really expensive. It must have cost you a whole paycheck.”
2. “I overheard you two having a heated argument. Do you mind if I join you?”
3. “The design on your shirt is so unique.”
4. “Do you mind if I join your group? You seem to be having a great time.”
5. “You look much older than the crowd here. Do you come here often?”
Read on to see how you did and why some of these lines are duds and some are definite dos.
Although you appear to offer a compliment, money talk is an absolute no-no, and how much someone earns is none of your business.
It’s inappropriate to point out something personal or negative taking place and then to ask to be a part of it. Mind your manners!
This is a compliment that says you have been eyeing the other person and that you noticed a detail about his/her appearance. It’s also great because you can follow it up with discussion about where or how to get similar clothing or favorite shopping spots.
This is absolutely correct! This time, you are pointing out something positive and asking whether it’s okay for you to join.
This is not a compliment; it’s a put down and way too personal. It will make your flirting interest—and probably you, too—feel uncomfortable. Stay away from age talk in general.
Need a quick refresher before you hit the road? No problem! Here is a quick recap of all the opening line strategies you now have in your arsenal:
• Strategy #1: Keep it simple and just say hi.
• Strategy #2: Pay a compliment.
• Strategy #3: Once you learn a name, use it.
• Strategy #4: Use your surroundings as a conversation starter.
• Strategy #5: Ask phenomenal questions.
• Strategy #6: Say goodbye instead of hello.
Now that you have what it takes to be the perfect schmoozer, test your skills. You’ll be so glad you did.
