Until now we have focused on the actions you need to take to be a natural flirt. We have gone over the importance of good eye contact, a warm smile, and the flirtatious handshake. We’ve discussed how to speak with the right body language, properly work a room, and mirror in subtle ways.
Now it’s time to stop the action and listen. Why, you ask? Because active listeners make phenomenal flirts (quite the contrary to untrained flirts, who think that the more you talk, the better the flirt you are). To gain perspective about the importance of listening, think about how you feel when someone isn’t listening. The person looks bored, has wandering eyes, and makes comments unrelated to what you just said. As a result, that person doesn’t make you feel good.
Now think about how you feel when someone listens intently to you. With eyes and ears tuned to you—and only you—you feel like a super star, like the center of the universe. That’s a feeling worth reciprocating, right?
Listening is one of the most valuable parts of the flirting communication process because it creates an interpersonal bond. When you feel that someone has heard you and that s/he truly understands your words and your feelings, you connect with that person, and you want to continue the conversation.
What is there to learn about listening? All you have to do is sit and do nothing, right? No, it’s much more than that! Listening is not a passive process. It is as active and alive as talking, and certain rules accompany it.
It’s no biological accident that we have two ears and one mouth. It means you should listen twice as much as you talk. This may seem hard for some of you, but it is essential.
Before you can uphold this rule successfully, however, make sure that no barriers—no listening pitfalls—stand in your way. Once you are familiar with these common obstacles, you can easily overcome them and move one step closer to listening enlightenment.
Five main types of barriers get in between people and their ability to listen intently. Let’s review each and discuss the best remedies. Once we get these barriers out of the way, we can move straight into my foolproof listening strategy—guaranteed to make you a great flirt.
It can be exciting and scary when someone you’ve had your eye on approaches you. Your mind races, your heart beats quickly, and anxiety makes listening difficult. Likewise, if something unrelated to your flirting encounter has you preoccupied or worried, you diminish your ability to listen with clarity.
So how do you prevent your emotions from getting the better of you? First, accept that this happens and that it happens to everyone. Nerves get in the way of listening. Push the jitters aside and tell yourself that listening will make flirting easier and more successful. Take a few deep breaths and erase your mind’s competing emotions. In this case, a one-track mind is your goal.
If you really can’t get over your nerves, be open about it and tell your flirting interest that you feel a bit nervous. It will show your human side, and you never know; s/he might tell you the same (in which case suggest taking a walk together if the situation lends itself to this—it’s a great calming technique).
Because so much is going on around you when you flirt, it can be hard to zero in on your flirting interest. Some of the most common distractions include other conversations, loud music, other people, or even the room’s light and temperature. Tuning out the distractions is challenging but necessary.
Like with your emotions, accept that anywhere you go will have distractions. The key is how you manage them. Try to anticipate distractions—and possible solutions—in advance. This way, you’re as prepared as possible to diffuse any that come your way. For example, if you know you’re going to a bar or party with loud music, try finding a place to talk far away from the speakers or sound system. If you know you’re always cold, bring a jacket or a scarf. If you’re always hot, wear layers so you can stay comfortable.
If a distraction arises for which you weren’t prepared, remain calm and think on your toes. For example, if someone else’s conversation competes with yours, ask your flirting interest if s/he would mind moving somewhere else in the room (an acceptance here means the relationship is going in the right direction). If you think you’d prefer speaking to that nearby guy or gal, be honest and let that person know you see someone else to whom you need to speak. There is no point in half-listening. In fact, it’s rude and you are wasting everyone’s time. Be fair and move on.
Our minds wander for a myriad of reasons. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about your bad day at work, your to-do list, the homework your child still needs to do, or even dinner. No matter the issue, when your mind wanders, you are not in the present and you can’t listen attentively—a serious roadblock for flirting banter. Your small talk loses its spontaneity. When your mind takes a temporary vacation, flirting is impossible.
As soon as your mind starts wandering, take a deep breath to regroup, focus your eyes back on your flirting interest, and say, “I’m sorry. I missed what you just said.” This will get you back on track and let the other person know that listening is your number one priority. If you think the reason for your wandering mind may make a good conversation topic, use it. For instance, tell your flirting interest about how your bad day at work has left you unable to clear your mind and ask how s/he unwinds and refocuses. This brings the other person back into the conversation and shows that you’re interested in his/her opinion and advice.
We are often afraid to admit when we don’t understand or know what someone is talking about, such as a sports or political figure, an unusual cocktail, something trendy, a word or expression, or a piece of history. We often nod in agreement, afraid of appearing stupid or out of touch.
But is this the best course of action? Will that make a better impression, or will others like you more if you pretend to hear or understand something your flirting interest has said?
Honesty is one of flirting’s golden rules, so you must know that this is absolutely the wrong strategy to take. After all, what if someone calls you on it and turns your “harmless” nod into an awkward moment? Use your lack of knowledge (or “failure to hear”) as a flirting opportunity. Admit to the other person that you did not catch or understand what or who s/he was talking about and ask for an explanation or to hear it again. This gives the other person the chance to talk more about the topic and gives you a second chance to listen intently. It also shows that you care about what s/he has to say—and who doesn’t love feeling like that?
Focusing on what to say next rather than listening now turns super flirts into flirts who fall flat. Do not waste your flirting moments figuring out what to say next—it never works. Consider this scenario:
He says: “What’s your favorite TV show?”
She says: “Oh, I love Phantom of the Opera.”
He says: “Isn’t that a Broadway show, not a TV show?”
The issue here is that she only heard part of what he said because she got ahead of herself trying to plan a response. She never heard the word TV and therefore came across as if not paying attention to him.
So how do you stay in the “hear” and now? By focusing on the moment and listening to the words and feelings of your flirting interest. You can also try to maintain better eye contact, or move just a bit closer to your flirting interest—kind of like your teacher used to do when she moved you up to the front of the classroom! By doing this, it will be easier for you to pay close attention. Finally, no matter how great the temptation to plan your retort, don’t do it. It’s so much easier to be spontaneous, playful, and interesting when you simply respond appropriately to what was said.
Now that you know how to deal with barriers, let’s get to the task of listening itself. What is listening? Listening can be described as giving your thoughtful attention to another person and being lively, active, and animated in response. It doesn’t mean “staring” at another person while s/he talks or being lethargic, apathetic, or listless. Listening is an action, and it needs to be right.
Remember, it is better to be interested than interesting! Give your flirting partner your undivided attention by maintaining eye contact and proper distance and above all else listening closely to what s/he says. Tune in your flirting interest and the topic at hand and tune out everything else.
Here are my top tips for giving your undivided attention:
• Laugh at funny comments.
• Nod or say “yes,” “right,” or “exactly” when you agree with something.
• Listen to the other person’s stories, even if you think they are too long, and try your best not to interrupt.
• Move in closer to tell the person you don’t want to miss a word.
• Maintain eye contact to show that you are following the conversation.
• Smile to let your flirting interest know that you are enjoying your time together.
• Block out distractions around you.
• Avoid quick glances at your watch.
This one is really important. Your flirting interest cannot read your mind, but s/he can read your signals. This means you should provide on-the-spot, immediate feedback. Don’t make the other person speculate; it ruins the flirting flow.
Keep your listening feedback sweet and simple by using one or more words from the following list: “Yes,” “Yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “I see,” “Oh,” “Really,” and “Wow!” These communicate that you are listening, and encourage your flirting interest to continue. Just remember that timing with these words is important as well. Saying “yes” or “uh-huh” every once in awhile works well; saying it every two seconds can irritate and grate on someone’s nerves. Practice moderation.
During a lull or natural pause in the conversation, repeat back what your flirting interest said to keep the conversation engaging and remind your interest that you’re all ears.
Restate what s/he said in your own words. Don’t parrot, but interpret. Make sure that you also paraphrase the feelings as well, if appropriate. This is a great way to maintain a meaningful conversation.
For example, if your flirting interest says, “The traffic was horrendous tonight. It took me two hours to get here when it should have taken me less than an hour. And I got soaked on the way in.” You might say, “Wow! It took you two hours?! That sounds awful. You must be beat. And then getting drenched on top of it all? Sounds like that was the icing on the cake.”
When you restate, paraphrase, summarize, or interpret what your flirting interest said, you pay him/her the greatest compliment: showing genuine interest and concern. Flirting doesn’t get any better than that.
FLIRTING TIP: DEMONSTRATE ADMIRATION
