MOVE FOUR
MAINTAIN PROPER DISTANCE AND SPACE TO GET CLOSE

Have you ever found yourself literally backing up as someone talks in your face? You do it instinctively to re-establish comfortable boundaries. “How annoying,” you think—and how mind-boggling that the “close talker” doesn’t get the hint.

But the close talker has much to teach about how close really is too close. Here’s a rule of thumb: A fabulous flirt never gets closer than an arm’s length from his/her flirting interest.

Personal space can be best described as an invisible bubble that surrounds you. The bubble’s size varies based on your own comfort zone, culture, and the situation. When someone gets too close, your personal space feels violated and you experience a physical and emotional reaction—you become tense, anxious, or uncomfortable, and you back away.

When you invade someone else’s space, that person will likely react similarly and will do whatever necessary to maintain comfort and safety. Getting too close, no matter how innocent the behavior, can turn someone off—exactly the opposite effect you hope of your flirting.

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SIGNS THAT YOU’RE TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

How do you know that you are too close? Back up a bit if your flirting interest does any of the following:

• Leans back in his/her chair

• Leans back, steps back, or makes an abrupt exit, leaving you perplexed

• Looks over you to avoid eye contact

• Folds his/her arms

• Leans his/her chin down and scrunches his/her shoulders into the neck

Always remember the goal of flirting: to make the other person feel special, comfortable, and interested in you—not scared off. If your flirting interest gives off any of these signs, take a full step back and reassess the situation.

SECRET FLIRTING ZONES: THE KEY TO MAINTAINING PROPER DISTANCE

Great flirts always pay attention to the following four flirting zones. Like the street signs of flirting, the zones keep you on track, win over your flirting interest, and ultimately bring you closer because you respect the other person’s space.

Remember, it is much better to get invited closer than get pushed away!

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Zone #1: The Do-not-Flirt Zone

This first zone is the space eighteen inches (46 cm) out from your body, space normally reserved for whispering, hugging, or getting cheek to cheek.

As such, this is an absolute no-no for first-time flirters. If you enter this zone, you will likely get the boot before you can say a word. It’s great to get cozy, but not with someone you met just twenty minutes ago.

Zone #2: The Perfect Flirting Zone

This zone, approximately eighteen inches (46 cm) to four feet (1.2 m) from your interest, marks the perfect flirting distance. You can easily see each other’s nonverbal cues (which we discuss in more detail in moves seven and eight) and allows you to comfortably talk, make eye contact, and get noticed.

When approaching someone, start at the outskirts of zone #2, or three to four feet (1 to 1.2 m) away. As the flirting encounter progresses, slowly move in closer—but only when it feels right and your flirting interest gives you cues, such as saying, “I’m having trouble hearing you,” or leaning in toward you.

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Zone #3: The Flirting-at-a-Distance Zone

The third zone, four to ten feet (1.2 to 3 m) away from your flirting interest, equals flirting across the room or street. Your flirting moves must speak volumes to get you noticed in this zone. But it is possible. Make eye contact, send over a drink, wink, smile, and eventually make your way to the person who sparked your interest.

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FLIRTING TIP: KNOW YOUR NO-ZONE

To figure out your own space boundaries, have a friend walk toward you. When you feel uncomfortable, have him/her stop. The distance between you and your friend is your comfort zone. Everyone’s boundaries differ, so return the favor and have your friend give it a try.

Flirting Zone #4: The out-of-Bounds Flirting Zone

Flirting from afar—ten to twenty-five feet (3 to 7.6 m) away—is challenging and not usually a flirting zone of choice. But if you’re stuck with it, be innovative in getting someone’s attention—a gentle wave, a big smile coupled with a wink, or several glances as you slowly move closer.

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