Chapter 29

Diane was with Scott, and they were driving up Ogden Canyon. The fall colors were mostly gone now, and the canyon looked dreary compared to what it had been just a couple of weeks before. But the two liked this ride and made it often. The Volkswagen was not a good car for sitting close, but they liked to talk and just spend time together, and this was the prettiest drive around Ogden.

The radio was also on, loud, and at the moment Manfred Mann was singing “Do Wah Diddy Diddy,” the number one hit on the current charts. “Now we’re together nearly every single day,” Diane and Scott were singing with the music. “Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do, singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. We’re so happy and that’s how we’re going to stay.” They glanced at each other and smiled. Diane was snapping her fingers.

The next song was Roy Orbison’s “Oh Pretty Woman.” Scott pointed at Diane. “That’s you,” he said. “Pretty woman, walking down the street,” he sang. “Pretty woman—the kind I’d like to meet.”

Then came the Supremes singing “Baby Love,” and after that Gene Pitney doing “It Hurts to Be in Love.” Scott and Diane sang the words: “So you cry a little bit—to be in love—die a little bit—to be in love.” And on the music went: Martha and the Vandellas singing “Dancing in the Street,” the Beach Boys doing “When I Grow up to Be a Man,” and the Rolling Stones knocking out “Time Is on My Side.”

Between songs, Scott and Diane talked a little about this and that: people at school, Diane’s trouble with algebra and Mrs. Davies, who, she was convinced, hated her.

“She might like you better if you got some of the answers right,” Scott said, and he laughed.

“Well, I might like her better if she would just once explain something so I can understand it. I used to do all right in math until they started putting in all those X’s and Y’s and everything.”

“You were a killer at long division, weren’t you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.”

Scott cracked up. “I think we’d both better stay away from trig.”

Scott took the South Fork turn, near Huntsville, and headed up into the next canyon. He drove on to the campgrounds where they had often come that summer for their own little picnics. “Should we go down and ride the bridge?” Diane asked.

“Of course. We can’t get this close and not take a ride.”

It was a little joke between them, something they had discovered that summer. They had been standing on the log footbridge that crossed the creek in the picnic area, and Diane had been staring down at the water when she suddenly felt a strange sensation. It had scared her, and she had looked up. But then she had tried it again. The rushing water had created an illusion, as though the water had stopped and the bridge were flying backward over the water at break-neck speed. She had told Scott, and he had tried it, and then the two had laughed together and “ridden the bridge” for a long time. It was a weird sensation, but Diane loved it, and she loved that she and Scott had shared the little pleasure all that summer.

So they walked from the parking lot down through the empty campground, and they stood on the bridge, watching the water. It was a cold day, and everything seemed colorless now with all the leaves off the trees, but the old bridge was always the same, and Diane found it sweet that Scott would enjoy coming back to “their place.” Diane liked the sound of the running water and the silhouettes of the bare trees against the gray sky.

“The water’s moving too slow,” Diane said. “It hardly feels like the bridge is moving. Next spring, when the water is running high, it should be wild.”

“Let’s come back every spring—or at least every year—no matter where we ever live.”

Diane looked over at him. “What do you mean, ‘where we live’?”

Scott turned toward her. “Don’t you want to stay together?”

“What do you mean? Get married?”

“Sure.”

“What are you doing? Proposing?”

“Not exactly. But Diane, that’s how I think about us. Don’t you?”

“I don’t know. I’m sixteen.”

He reached out, pushed her hair aside, and then touched her neck with the tips of his fingers. “I love you, Diane. I’ve never told you that before, but I do. And I want to be with you forever. That’s one of the great things about deciding to join the Church. Now I know that’ll be possible.”

Sometimes, lately, Diane had wished she could break up with Scott. She wondered whether there weren’t other boys she would like, and yet she was spending all her time with him. She even wondered whether she knew him. She was hearing more things about him all the time. A girl who knew Chilly and his crowd told her that Scott was hanging out with those guys once in a while—that he had been drinking beer with them and making out with other girls. Diane had refused to believe that was true, but she had also hesitated to ask. Maybe she was afraid of what she might find out.

Still, she didn’t want to think of any of that right now. He was so good-looking, so fun, and now he was touching her cheek so delicately that she found herself holding her breath.

“I know we’re young,” he said. “I’m not talking about getting married as soon as we get out of high school or anything like that. We both have things to do. But we can keep going together, and then—when the time is right—marry forever. That’s what I want, Diane.”

“I love you too,” she found herself saying, and then he pulled her closer, holding her against his body. He was strong and solid, and she liked the feel of his body against hers. The autumn air was cold, and she loved the warmth she felt from him.

“Wow, you’ve never told me that, either.”

“I know. But I do.”

“Do you think about marrying me?”

“Sure. But let’s just take things a little at a time. It’s so far off before we could think about marriage.”

“Sure. I know. But I’m going to keep thinking about it.” He kissed the top of her head, then moved back a little and pushed her hair off her neck. He kissed her neck, then her ear, and she felt tingles run through her body. She was only going to do this for a minute or two and then stop. But now he was kissing her mouth, softly, his lips barely touching hers. Then again her neck, and this time, when he kissed her lips, it was with more intensity. She gripped him tight, and she felt his hands on her back, stroking.

Each kiss became more pressing, and now he was rubbing her back, lower and lower, and finally lower than he should. After a moment he moved his hand away without her telling him to, but the next kiss took on more heat. She couldn’t let this happen much longer. She had to stop. But he was kissing her neck again, running his hands up her sides, touching her where he shouldn’t. Now she was definitely going to stop, but he kissed her once again, and she let him leave his hands where they were for another few seconds.

But the next kiss was too hungry, a little frightening, and suddenly she pulled back. “Don’t, Scott. We have to stop.”

“No we don’t. Why do we have to stop? We love each other.” He was fighting to get close again, grabbing at her.

“Scott! Don’t!”

But he wasn’t letting her go. “You can’t take me this far and stop now,” he said, his voice harsh. “You’re playing games with me, Diane.” He had hold of her tight, wouldn’t let go, and he was pulling at her sweater. Diane was terrified.

“Stop it, Scott. Stop it.”

She twisted frantically, broke his hold, but before she could pull away he had her again. But now he was whispering, “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

“You are not,” she said, and she started to cry. “What do you think I am?”

“Diane, I’m sorry. I just get so excited.”

“You don’t love me. You just said that because of what you want to do.”

“No. Honest. That’s not true. I’m just crazy about you, and when we get started I don’t want to stop.”

“You were trying to force me, Scott. That’s not right.”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry.”

She finally pulled away from him, and he let her go. “I don’t trust you sometimes, Scott. I don’t know when you’re telling the truth. You say you want to join the Church, but then you find excuses not to. And you say you love me, and a minute later you’re pawing me like that.”

“Diane, you were kissing me the same way. I thought you liked it.”

“I do like it. But you have to help me stop. You can’t just go after whatever you can get. That’s not fair.”

“I know. I won’t act like that again.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

“I know I did. But let’s not even get started like that from now on. Just a kiss goodnight, something like that. That’s all we ought to do. I’m really sorry. I don’t want to lose you.” He ducked his head and closed his eyes, as though he were in pain.

“Scott, I need to know something. A friend of mine said you’ve been to some parties with Chilly and his friends. She said you were drinking and that you were after some girl named Eva. She told me you were ‘all over her.’”

“What?” Scott stepped back.

“You heard me. You stand here and tell me you love me, but I don’t think I can trust you.”

“Diane, that’s not true. A couple of times I’ve gone over to Chilly’s house, after we play golf or something. Those guys drink, but I don’t—not since I promised the missionaries I wouldn’t. And Eva, she flirts with everyone, including me, but I don’t even like her. No guy in his right mind would be dating the most beautiful girl at Ogden High and then mess around with that little tramp.”

“Scott, don’t say things like that. I’m not the most beautiful girl at Ogden High.”

“Tell me anyone better-looking.”

Diane wasn’t going to get into that. That was not the point. But she found herself softening. She liked to think that he considered her that pretty. She didn’t think he would lie, outright, and claim he hadn’t had anything at all to drink if he really had. She knew how rumors got around, whether they were true or not.

“Diane, listen. My mom and I have talked a lot about my joining the Church. She has no problem with it at all. She wants me to join. When I brought it up with my dad, he said I should wait a while—until I get older—but he knew the choice was up to me. So Mom told me, to keep Dad from getting upset, I ought to wait until next year—something like that. But in the long run, she says I should do what I want to do. I just don’t think there’s a big hurry—when Dad’s so much against it.”

“Why haven’t you told me any of this before?”

“Well . . . I did tell you that I felt like I had to get permission from my dad. I just didn’t want to tell you that I might have to wait a year or so.”

“Tell me everything, Scott. That’s the only way we can have a good relationship. I don’t want you going to parties at Chilly’s house. If you’re hanging around with guys like that, what kind of reputation is that going to give me?”

“I’ve thought of that. And golf is over for the year, so I won’t even see those guys now. It’s a good time to make a break. I just haven’t had many friends around here.”

“That’s because we spend too much time together, Scott.” She knew this was going to hurt him, so she stepped closer and took hold of his hand. “I think we need to cool it for a while—just not see each other so often. If you want to take someone else to the Christmas dance, or something like that, this might be a good time for that.”

“No. I don’t want to do that. Maybe I could think of someone else to take out sometime. But not to the Christmas dance. That’s a night I want to be with you.”

Actually, Diane felt the same way. There were a couple of boys who flirted with her sometimes, and they had hinted that they might like to take her out—but she knew they didn’t ask because they assumed she was going steady. She really did want to go out with one of them—a guy named Brad Rasmussen—but she wanted to go to the Christmas dance with Scott.

“Do you forgive me?” Scott was asking now. He sounded repentant, but his tone seemed a little too strong, and Diane wondered whether she should trust him.

“Scott, it was my fault too. But I don’t want it to happen again. If you ever come after me like that again, we’re breaking up—forever.”

“Okay. That’s a deal. I think that’s best for both of us.” He took her in his arms and held her gently, carefully. Diane didn’t mind that, but she wondered whether she hadn’t missed her chance. Maybe she should have broken up with him while she was still angry.

When Diane got home that night, she chatted with her parents for a few minutes in the family room. Maggie was in bed, but Mom was sitting in her rocking chair, holding Ricky, who had fallen asleep. “This is when I love him the most,” Bobbi said. “It’s the only time I can keep up with him.” He was like a little lump, his head back against Bobbi’s arm, his mouth open.

Diane walked over and knelt down enough to kiss his cheek. “He’s so cute,” she said. “I think he was trying to say my name today. ‘Di, Di,’ he kept saying.”

“That boy can carry on a whole conversation,” Dad said. “You just have to understand his language.” Diane could always tell how much her dad loved little Ricky, but it didn’t bother her the way she once thought it would. She felt the same way about the little guy.

Diane sat down on the floor and then leaned against the chair that Mom was sitting in. Dad was sitting on the couch, at the end, with the reading lamp over his shoulder. He had a book in his hands—one that looked much too big and gray to be anything very interesting.

“So where have you and Scott been?” Mom asked.

“We just took a drive. And then we stopped at Farr’s and got an ice cream cone.”

“Oh, don’t tell me that. I crave ice cream all the time, but I’ve vowed not to eat anything sweet until I get back down to fighting weight.”

“You’re down to Cassius Clay’s fighting weight already,” Dad said. “Just stick with that.”

“Be quiet.”

“Or how about Gene Fullmer? He’s a middleweight. You can weigh one-sixty.”

“Hush.”

Diane twisted around and looked at her mother. She grinned as she said, “I had a double-decker—burnt almond fudge on top, raspberry swirl on the bottom. I almost got—”

“You hush up too. You’re not funny.”

“I know I’m not. I shouldn’t have eaten so much. I can feel the fat, oozing its way down through my hips and into my thighs.”

But Dad changed the subject. “What’s Scott saying about the baptism?” he asked.

“His dad wants him to wait—like maybe a year. Scott is trying to decide whether he wants to go against his dad, or whether he should wait, so his dad won’t be upset.”

Dad nodded. “Well, we’ll see what happens.”

Diane wondered what that meant. She thought she heard some skepticism in her father’s voice.

But Bobbi wasn’t so indirect. “Are you sure he really wants to be baptized?” She shifted Ricky a little, pulling him against her chest.

Diane knew that her mother was getting ready to take Ricky off to bed. She wondered whether it was a good time to say some things to her parents that had been on her mind, but she didn’t want to give them a bad impression of Scott. “He does, Mom. We talked about it again tonight.” She hesitated. She could often sense how worried her parents were about her and Scott, so she gave them something that she knew would make them feel better. “We also decided that we were going to go out with other people sometimes.”

“I think that’s very wise,” Dad said.

Bobbi was getting up. She gave Diane a curious look, as though she suspected there was more to what Diane was saying, but she didn’t ask, and when she carried Ricky down the hall, Diane got up and went to her room. In a few minutes, however, Bobbi followed her there. She opened the door a crack and said, “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Sure. Come in.” Diane had changed into her pajamas. Now she was hanging up her skirt.

“What’s got into you lately? You’ve become so neat with your things.”

“I’ve gotten so I don’t like things to be messy.” That was true, but she had lived with her own mess for a long time, and she wasn’t sure herself why she had been taking better care of things lately. She did know that she had become aware of her mom lately, how hard she had to work to take care of a baby, and how tired she was. In the mornings, when she thought of leaving her bed unmade, it always worried her a little that Mom would come in and do it. Maybe she was tired of being blamed for leaving it, but she was surprised at how rarely her parents had asked her to baby-sit, and how good she felt when she did do some things around the house that needed to be done.

“That’s a good trait, Di. Maybe you’re more like me than you think. I just can’t stand to live in a messy house.”

Bobbi sat down on Diane’s bed. Diane knew why she was there.   

“So what’s going on with you and Scott? Was this a little breakup tonight?”

“No, not really. I just told him we had to be careful about seeing each other too much.” Diane knew what she was doing. Her answer would surely lead to another question, and in a way, she did want to talk to her mother about this.

“What do you mean, careful?”

“You know what they always tell us at MIA. You can be with a guy too much. It can get dangerous.”   

“Is it getting dangerous?”

Diane wasn’t sure how much she could bring herself to say. She didn’t want her mother to think she was terrible. So she said, “Mom, I think we’ve kissed too much. We haven’t done anything too bad, but you know, sometimes it’s hard not to. Do you know what I mean?”

Diane watched her mother. She looked worried, more than Diane wanted her to look. But Mom smiled, maybe forcing it a little. “Diane, this stuff has been hard for everyone, forever. It was hard for me, believe it or not. I may be your mom, but I actually know what you’re talking about.”

Diane didn’t like to think about that. She couldn’t imagine her mom and dad kissing a lot and getting all excited the way Diane and Scott had done tonight.

“Diane, I’m going to ask you something. If you don’t want to answer, don’t.”

“What?”

“What do you mean by ‘anything too bad?’”

Driving down the canyon, and later at Farr’s, Diane had felt the guilt for what she had let Scott do. At first she had only been angry at him, but what she knew was that she had been “in on it,” all the way up to those last few seconds. But Mom’s question was almost too much for her. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to her mother. Then she ducked her head and let herself cry for a time. Mom began to stroke her back. But still, it wasn’t as bad as her mother was probably fearing.

“We just kissed a lot tonight, and Scott got really excited. He touched me a little bit where he shouldn’t. I stopped him. But not right off.”

Bobbi put her arms all the way around Diane, pulling her close. She was wearing a flannel robe that was soft and smelled of baby powder. Diane felt something she hadn’t known for a long time—this closeness to her mom. She let her face nestle in the robe, her mother’s gentleness, and she cried hard.

Diane wanted to tell the rest—that he had gotten out of hand, had begun to grab at her, but Mom would hit the ceiling if she heard that. She would never trust Scott again. She hadn’t heard him apologize, hadn’t heard him say how much he loved her. “Mom, if I quit going with him, maybe he won’t join the Church. He hangs around with some guys who aren’t good for him. And he might start spending even more time with them. I hate to think what might happen.”

“Then how much conviction does he have, if he can be influenced that easily?”

“I don’t know. But I think I’ve been a good influence on him. A lot of guys our age are doing all kinds of things they shouldn’t. He might get pulled into that.”

Mom didn’t say anything for a time, and gradually Diane quit crying and sat up straight. When she did, Mom shifted so she was looking into Diane’s face. “Di, tell me this. Do you trust Scott?”

“I guess so.”

“I hate to tell you, honey, but that didn’t sound very convincing.”

Diane nodded, but she didn’t say anything more to explain. What she wished right now was that Mom would make the decision for her—tell her never to go out with him again.

“If I were you, I’d do two things. I’d go to the bishop and have a good talk about what happened tonight. You need to take it seriously, not just tell yourself it was a little thing. And then I think you need to do a lot of praying about Scott and what’s best for both of you.”

“I already made up my mind I’d go see the bishop. And I do pray about all this stuff.”

“Good. But honey, you’ve always told me what you wanted out of life: a good husband, a nice family. And I admire you for that. But you’re playing with fire right now, and it could easily burn you—ruin some of your dreams.”

“I know.” Diane felt tears slipping over her cheekbones again.

Mom kissed her on the head and then got up and walked to the door.

“Mom?”

“Yes.”

“Do you really admire me for my goals? I thought you wanted me to be more like you—to get a doctorate, or something like that.”

“Oh, honey.” Bobbi walked back, sat down by Diane, and hugged her again. “I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way. I do admire you. You’re you and I’m me, and we’re not very much alike, but you’re lovelier than I ever was, and you want the right things out of life. Just don’t make mistakes that keep you from getting there.”

“Should I break up with him?”

“I can’t answer that for you, Diane. You have to make the decision. But thanks for talking to me about it. You didn’t have to tell me any of this, and you did. That means a lot to me.”

Diane liked that—liked the way she felt about her mother. But she also knew she hadn’t admitted all her doubts about Scott. She still had a decision to make.