I stood in O’Connell Street, looking up and down the length of it. It’s still too early to do anything. The few people hurrying through the streets kept their heads down, stuck inside their coats, with their scarves tied tight on their heads. Rushing to get what they had to do and get in out of the cold.

What will I do? It’s bloody freezing. I started walking, carrying me case in one hand and me handbag held tight in my right hand, and headed off down towards the Parnell Street end. All the shops had their lights on, and very few had people in them. I stopped outside the Carlton picture house and looked up at the big poster, showing what was coming next week. The Sound of Music. I stared up at the woman flying over the mountain, her feet barely touching the ground. She had short straight fair hair, and her eyes were alive with excitement. A big laugh was spread all over her face and she was dragging a load of happy laughing children behind her. That looks good. I’d like to see that. It’s a pity I’m not settled in a job yet! Then I’d know what’s happening, and I could make me plans to go to the pictures.

Jaysus! I don’t know where I am at the minute. Everyone has somewhere to go. How the hell do they do it? How do you get to be settled in your own home, like everyone else? Do I have to have a husband first? No, God, no! I don’t want that. There must be some way I can get a job that will pay me enough to get meself me own place! No, I’m too young. You have to be older, get plenty of experience working first, get trained, then you work your way up. Jesus! It all takes time. Everything comes down to time.

Or does it? All I need is the money. Ah, how would you get that, Martha? I could go to England. Look for a job in a pub. No, keep away from them. That’s only bad news. What, then? Jaysus! I’ll just have to get a job and hold onto it. I can go to night school. Learn to be a secretary. Yeah, that’s definitely me best bet.

Right, where will I head off to now? What about Caffola’s? That’s me favourite spot. I haunt that place. Yeah, that’s because it always makes me feel welcome. I can sit and look out at the world going by. Anyway, I always wanted to be able to go into these places. I promised meself as a child when I used to stand outside looking in. Yeah. I know now what it is. It makes me feel I’m just like everyone else, respectable. I have money in me pocket to go in. I’m not a pauper! No, I’m definitely not that any more. I’m clean and dressed respectable; well, even though me clothes are old, I thought. Looking down at me old green coat with the greasy sleeves that someone used to wear once when they were going to the secondary school. I wonder who that was and how did they get on? They’re probably in a great job now, and working in London. That’s where everyone goes. Yeah. I even have money in me pocket. So I’m really well-off. No, life is still a bowl of cherries! It just depends on how you look at it.

I picked up me suitcase and took off happily for me favourite haunting place. Seeing the lights and the red tables with the cushy benches behind your back. I like to listen to the waitresses talking. Complaining and giving out about everything, even about the customers, and having no money. Then cheering up at the mention of what they had to look forward to. I like that. It makes me feel like one a them. That we all have the same worries.

No, nothing in the damn paper. Jaysus! What am I going to do? The time is moving on. I have nowhere to stay, never mind no job! Fuck this! I better run over to the GPO and ring Sister Eleanor.

I dumped the newspaper on the table and grabbed up me stuff, making out the door, and headed across the road into the post office. ‘Right, here we are,’ I puffed, getting outa breath. I could smell the ink, and dust and chalk, and especially the stale smell of people that lay around the building from years of nobody bothering to open the windows and give the place a good airing, or even a good cleaning. Still and all, I like this place. The world and his wife come in here. With people wanting to make important phone calls home to the country, or Dubliners phoning relations in England to tell them they have the money saved and they are coming over. Yeah, you can see lots of people with suitcases getting lost around the place. So I don’t stand out here. Right, better get moving.

I checked to see I had enough pennies for the phone. Yeah, I have enough coppers. I made me way along the rows of phone boxes, looking for an empty one. Here we are. The second-last one. I pulled open the door and put me suitcase down on the floor, shutting the door after me to keep out the noise. Right, I don’t need the phone book. I know the number off by heart. I dropped in the tuppence and dialled the number. It’s ringing! I held me breath, hearing me heart flying in me chest. Dear God, grant that she won’t eat the head off me and will be able to get me a job.

‘Good afternoon. Holy Redeemer Convent.’ Me eye flew to the A button and I pressed it.

‘Hello, could I speak to Sister Eleanor, please?’

‘Who is this?’

‘Martha, sister. Martha Long.’

‘Oh, just a minute, Martha. I think she’s in the recreation room.’ I held me breath, afraid to breathe with the nerves. Dear God, please make sure she has a job for me. Maybe I should have gone down. It might have been better that way. Face to face. Then if she hasn’t a job, she might let me stay for a few nights. Hmm, pity I gave me name to the nun. Then I could have hung up the phone once I knew she was there. Ah, that’s a pity. I never think before I act. I could have galloped down to see her. Making meself look desperate enough so she’d have to let me stay. Ah well, it’s too late now.

‘Hello, Martha. What is it?’ she said, sounding worn out.

‘Eh, how are yeh, Sister Eleanor? It’s me, Martha.’

‘Yes, Martha, I know that. Look, I hope you’re not ringing to tell me you have gone and lost your job! This is the . . . how many jobs have you had since you left here?’

‘Whadeyehmean? I haven’t lost any jobs!’ I roared, getting annoyed because she was blaming me in the wrong.

‘Good girl, because I can tell you now, I can’t be still running after you and letting you waltz back here when it suits you,’ she puffed.

‘Eh, I didn’t mean, eh . . .’ I was trying to think of the best way of putting it. ‘No, I’m definitely not asking to come back,’ I said, letting out me breath.

‘Good girl. I’m delighted to hear you are doing very well. Now I must hurry, Martha. I can hear sister calling me to go out on the cloister walk to get my prayers,’ she whispered, sounding delighted to get rid of me so fast.

‘No, wait! Just a minute, sister. Don’t go. I have something important to ask you.’ I could hear her catch her breath.

‘Yes, what is it?’

‘Eh, sister . . .’

‘Quickly, Martha. Say what it is you want!’

‘I lost me job, sister,’ I whispered, feeling ashamed.

‘WHAT? But you just told me this minute—’

‘Yes, sister! You misunderstood me. What I wanted to say was I’m not asking to come back. I just need another job. I’ve been looking now since early morning. This is only Monday. So there won’t be any more new jobs advertised until Wednesday. There’s nothing in the papers, sister! I need to get a job, otherwise I have nowhere to go,’ I whispered, then pulled the phone away from me ear. There was a silence. I waited, then put the phone to me ear again.

‘Well, really!’ she roared, losing the rag when it hit her what I just said. ‘You are so irresponsible! I told you, Martha. You are not rushing to me every time you feel free to lose your job. No, no, I am not having it!’

‘But, sister, please!’

‘No, Martha! There has to be an end to it.’

‘Right, I’m coming down there and I’m going to sit on the convent doorstep and freeze to death,’ I snorted, losing me rag at the unfairness of her. She lets everyone else back when they lose their jobs, why not me? I’m thinking, the rage boiling up in me.

‘I’m going to hang up this minute. You are trying to browbeat me into giving in to your demands,’ she snorted, looking for an excuse to hang up the phone on me.

‘No, don’t go, Sister Eleanor. Please! I’m sorry for speaking to you like that. This is the last time I’ll ever ask you for anything. I promise,’ I said, feeling desperate to hang onto her.

‘Right. I shall have to go and see if there are any calls in looking for a girl.’

‘Oh, thanks, sister! I really appreciate it!’

‘This is the last time now, Martha!’

‘Yes, sister,’ I said, feeling down because she was annoyed with me, and raging because she has her pets, and I’m not one of them.

‘Ring me back in an hour. I will have to go and get my prayers first. Then I will check that out for you. Goodbye now.’

‘Bye, sister!’ I roared, before she hung up the phone.

I opened the phone box for air, and looked at the long line of boxes with people shouting down the phones, and wondered if they had big worries too. Jaysus! I felt let down and really fed up. It pains me when I feel I can’t go to her when I have trouble. It would be lovely if she was nice to me. I just want her to care about me. But she’s always in a hurry, and has no time for me.

I stood with me back resting against the windowsill, not bothering to go out into the street again. I didn’t feel like putting one foot in front of the other. I lit up a cigarette and glared at a fella making for my phone box. ‘Excuse me, that’s engaged! I’m waiting for a phone call.’

‘I don’t see anybody in here, do you?’ he asked me, looking in the phone box, and whipping his big red-neck culchie head back at me.

‘Ger outa me way,’ I said, pushing him back, and sending him staggering, after taking him unawares. I rushed back into the box, banging me case in behind me, and slammed the door shut in his face. Taking a big suck on me cigarette, and stared out at him. Watching him staring back in at me with his mouth gaping open. Trying to think. Wanting to say something really smart that would annoy me, and he would be able to get his own back.

‘Yar only a thick jackeen!’ he roared, shaking his head and moving off. I opened the door, feeling meself suffocating with the smoke in the little box, and stared out after him. Watching him walking up and down the row, looking for an empty phone box. Then my phone rang.

‘Hello,’ a man’s voice whispered. I listened, wondering what was going on. ‘What colour knickers are yeh wearin?’ the voice whispered. I was shocked, then wondered how he got this number.

‘Green!’ I shouted. ‘What colour are yours, yeh fuckin eejit?’ Then it dawned on me. I left the phone down on top of the phone book, and opened the door quietly, shutting it, leaving me suitcase inside. Then I looked down the row of phone boxes, spying the culchie with the big red neck talking with his back bent, definitely looking very shifty. ‘That fella’s up to no good,’ I muttered to meself. I wandered over quietly and listened outside the door.

‘Are yeh dere? Hello,’ he whispered, nearly resting his head on the phone book. ‘Would yeh like a good ride?’ Me face dropped, listening to every word. I could see his red face, with the mouth hanging open, and watch him trying to get his breath. He was breathing like someone with a chest complaint.

‘Yeh fucking bastard!’ I shot at the door, whipping it open, shouting, ‘HELP! This man is molesting me!’

‘WHA?’ He dropped the phone, whipping his head around at me, with the eyes staring out of his head.

‘Yes, you! Yeh dirty aul bastard! I have the coppers waiting outside the door for yeh. I’m going to get you arrested!’ I roared, pointing me finger at him as people put their heads out of the boxes to see what all the fuss was about.

‘Yeh mad fuckin bitch! I never laid a hand on yeh,’ he moaned, pushing past me to fly out the door. I grabbed a hold of his heavy overcoat. Hanging onto it, not wanting to let him off that easy.

‘Get the man in charge!’ I shouted, ‘You were asking me what colour knickers I’m wearing and saying all the dirty disgusting things yeh were going to do to me.’

‘Gesh away outa dat!’ he screamed. Tugging like mad at the coat, trying to get free a me. ‘Help!’ he screamed, looking and seeing all the people staring. I could see he was nearly crying with the shock. ‘Let go a me coash outa dat!’ he screamed, sounding like a woman singing opera.

I was dragging him and he was pulling. Then, finally, he managed to tear himself loose from me fists, tearing the end of his coat outa me hand, and flew for all he was worth out the door. I whipped me head from staring after him, disappearing like greased lightning. Then me eyes peeled back to everyone looking at me. ‘Yer man,’ I said. ‘The cheek a him. Trying teh molest me, he was,’ I puffed. Blowing out me cheeks. They stared for a few minutes, trying to make this out, with their eyeballs pinned on me, then stared at the door where your man had just shot out, leaving a draught behind him. Then they saw nothing else was happening and everyone disappeared back to their own business.

‘Right!’ I muttered to meself, heading back to me phone box and waiting for the phone call. It will be a long time before he tries anything like that again, I thought, laughing to meself. Bleedin hell! I’ve had enough of dirty aul men trying to molest me! Well, even if it was only on the phone! I wasn’t expecting that.

The phone rang just as I lit up another cigarette. Me nerves are gone with all this waiting, I thought, feeling meself shiver with worry as I picked up the phone. ‘Hello, Martha, is that you?’

‘Yes, sister, I’m here.’

‘Wait until I tell you. I have a lady looking for a girl to do housework and mind a ten-year-old girl. She wants someone to live-in. I have just given her a ring this very minute and you can start right away. Now,’ she said happily, whispering in her quiet voice, ‘have you a pen handy?’

‘Yes, yes, sister, I have. Hang on a minute, I just want to get it out of my handbag.’ I dropped the phone and wrestled with me handbag, trying to open the catch, and dipped to the bottom, bringing up me Biro. Paper! Where’s me little notebook I bought in Woolworths? I opened the pocket in the middle and took out me little red notebook. ‘Right, I’m ready, sister. Just give me the address, yeah?’

‘It’s thirty-two Millers Field, just off Old Court Road.’

‘Grand! I have that. It’s just up off the Old Court Road. Is that what you just said?’

‘Yes! You can start straight away. She’s a national school teacher and she finishes school at three o’clock. She collects the child herself. They are in the same school. So make your way out there straight away. Now, remember, Martha, keep out of trouble! I don’t want you to lose this job. If you do . . . be it on your own head. I can’t help you.’

‘Oh no, sister! This is it. No more trouble for me. I’m definitely going to last in this job. That I can promise you. Have no fear about that, sister!’

‘Good girl. Go, now. The lady’s name is Mrs Purcell.’

‘OK, sister. Thank you very, very much. I’m delighted to get a job at last, before the day ended. Goodbye now, sister, and thanks again.’

‘Goodbye, Martha. Be a good girl.’

‘Yes, sister. I’m off.’ Then I put the phone down and grabbed me suitcase, flying meself out the door. I could feel me heart going like the clappers. Oh, thank you, God, for being so good to me. I’m so happy at getting a job at last. The best bit as well is Sister Eleanor was very nice to me. Maybe she does like me after all. Right, I better make for the bus.

I shot across the road, making for the side of Clerys. Heading meself down to the Pro-Cathedral, to hurry in and light a penny candle and say a little prayer to God for being so good to me. As I neared the church, I passed a woman sitting on the freezing cold ground at the side of the church. She was wrapped up in a red plaid shawl with a little baby snuggled inside. God help that poor woman. She’s going to get pneumonia sitting on that cold ground. She’s probably been sitting there all day and has nothing to show for it.

I crept into the chapel quietly, smelling the incense and smoke from the burning candles, and looked at all the little lights burning around the huge church. It’s lovely and peaceful and warm in here. No harm can ever come to you when you’re in a place like this, I thought, looking around at all the statues and making me way over to the one of the Sacred Heart. I took out me purse and rooted for a penny, putting it in the brass box, and lit a little white candle. I stared at the flickering light, watching it catch, then flare into life. Then I leaned over, putting it with all the other candles burning for people’s intentions. I blessed meself as I knelt down on the soft cushion on the kneeler and looked up at the statue. A lovely red lamp was glowing, giving out a cosy warm heat.

Dear God! Thank you so much for looking after me. I know I can never go far wrong when you are always there to watch over me. I will try to be good and do my best at everything I do. Please keep me safe and, above all, help me to stay out of trouble. Because you know, Sacred Heart, I can’t afford to lose this job. Thank you for everything you do for me, and please, God, look after me ma and all me sisters and brothers. But especially for Charlie! He’s on his own, too! Thank you, God.

I lowered me head, closing me eyes, and paused for a minute. Letting the warmth of the Sacred Heart’s little alcove, with the statue looking down at me, and the red lamp glowing, and all the little white candles burning in their brass holders. Making me feel safe and warm and peaceful. I sat on, letting it sink into me.

I have more to say, God. Today was a very worrying one. I felt a bit lost and lonely wandering up and down, feeling different from all the rest of the people. Especially when it was so cold out. That makes you feel worse. I really wanted someone I could sit down with and have a talk. Tell them all me worries. But I can’t tell me business to anyone. I mean, to people I don’t know. Even though I don’t know many people, just Sister Eleanor, really. Now, you know she doesn’t really know anything about me business. Yeah, she knows we are poor. She saw me little brothers and sisters when they came that time to the convent. But that’s all she knows. She doesn’t know I’m a bastard, and I don’t belong to Jackser! Yeah, thanks, God, for that. I’m very grateful to you for small mercies! Well, that’s a big mercy! Anyway, God, nobody knows nothing about me and I intend it stays that way. So I have to hide all that. You know how shocked people would be if they heard that kind of thing about me. They would run a mile. Definitely they would look down on me. I could even see Sister Eleanor’s face dropping if I told her any of the things that went on with me ma and Jackser.

They knew I was different in the convent. I wasn’t one a them. They saw me as a street kid. So can you imagine what people would have said if they knew what I really came from? But it still pains me, God, when I’m down and out like today. That’s when it really hits me. Anyway, God, what am I talking about that for? Sure that doesn’t matter any more. So what am I on about? Oh, yeah! What I really mean to say is, all them things about me makes me feel different. No . . . that’s not what I’m trying to say. Look, God, I just felt different. I wanted to have someone for meself. Someone I belonged to, to have somewhere to go. In other words, God, if I could turn up somewhere and knock on the door. Even if they didn’t like me. That would be OK. Because I’d know when they open that door they would have to let me in because I belong to them. That’s my home, God. Not go wandering in the cold looking for somewhere to sit in and get a bit of heat. Hoping to meet someone to pass the time with and have a bit of company and a little chat. So I won’t feel so lonely and take me mind off me worries. You know, about having no job. Worrying about finding another one.

Sorry, I’m moaning, God. No, I know what I want to say but I can’t work it out. But this is what I want to tell you. I know when everything else is gone, and I’m left with nobody, I’m still not alone in the world. I can always come here and sit with you, and tell you about me worries. You will never let me down. You are always listening to me, because I know you really care about me. You have helped me all through my life in my hours of need. I know even when I walk out of here, you will stay with me. So, God, I need never be afraid as long as I have you. You are the greatest power on this earth. So how could I ever be afraid? No, you love me as I am. I know that because you know everything. So you know what I’m thinking and what I’m really like, who I really am. Yet you still love me. That makes me feel I am somebody. I’m not dirt. Even though I have no home of me own to go to. Or a family I can talk about. You know, dear God, what people are like if they knew what I was really like and what kind of life I’ve had. They would look down on me, think I’m only dirt! But you know I’m not. I will become somebody one day. I will have me own place to go to. Everything will work out in the end. Thanks, God, for listening to me. Goodbye now.

No, not really goodbye! Sure aren’t you coming with me? I mean, you can be everywhere at the same time! But this is where you live. In the quiet here. The chapel, in this house of prayer. I heard somebody call it that once. It must have been a nun. Yeah, I like that – house of prayer. Holy God’s house. Me ma used to always call it that. I miss her, God, me old ma, the one I had before she met Jackser! That pains me now, God. Just remembering her face back then. Oh, I’m off again. Wanting to cry. No, I’m fine now. I’m all grown up. I don’t really need a mammy any more. I can take care of meself. Yeah, life’s a bowl of cherries! I’m all grown up. Right, I better get moving.

I gently lifted me head, and took up me suitcase, and made me way quietly out of the church, feeling at peace with meself and the world. Making me feel lovely and warm inside meself. The cold hit me straight away as I stood on the steps buttoning up the top of me coat and took off, heading for the bus. I saw the woman was still sitting there and I paused to look at her. ‘Fer the love a God, daughter, would yeh ever have a few coppers teh get a sup a milk for the babby?’ she implored me, stretching out her hand. I dropped me suitcase and left me handbag down on the ground and took the purse out of me pocket.

‘Here, will that do you?’ I said, handing her a shilling.

‘Oh, God bless yeh, and may yeh be rewarded in heaven for yer bit a kindness,’ she said, blessing me.

‘Can you not get up out of the cold and go home now?’ I asked her, hoping she had made her few bob and could move herself off home and maybe get a few messages and have a bit of heat.

Ah, I think I will, daughter! Sure there’s no day left in it anyways,’ she said, looking up at the cold clear sky.

‘OK, goodbye now,’ I said, grabbing up me suitcase, and took off heading for the bus.

‘Fares now, please.’ I heard the conductor rattling his money bag and muttering at people for the money. Where’s me bag? I shot me head down, looking at me suitcase sitting on the floor beside me on the seat. Bag? Where’s me handbag? Me heart leaped. No bag! Oh, Jesus, don’t say I’ve lost it.

I jumped up, grabbing the suitcase out of the way, putting it in the aisle, looking down on the floor and all round the seat. Nothing. It’s gone. Then it hit me. I left it on the ground when I stopped to give the poor woman the shilling. I had the distinct picture of putting the suitcase down and the handbag. Or where did I put the handbag? On the ground beside the suitcase, I suppose. It will be well gone by now. All me savings, everything I had, was in that bag.

I sank down in the seat, feeling the colour drain out of me, and slipped me hand into me pocket, taking out me purse. Two shillings and ninepence left. That’s all the money I have left in the whole world to keep me going, I thought. Feeling a terrible weakness draining me. The woman would have picked that up. Now she might have fifteen pounds and the shilling I gave her.

‘Fares, please!’ I handed the conductor tuppence and took the ticket. Just as well I’m starting a new job. At least I won’t have to worry about eating and finding somewhere to sleep. Well, so that’s that then! I will just have to start saving all over again. It took me a whole year to save that money. I hardly spent any of me wages. Oh, well! Serves me right for being so stupid. I’ll be more careful next time.

I got off the bus and headed into a cul-de-sac with rows of modern houses all looking the same. The houses look like they were built by the Corporation! No, maybe not. These are private houses, but very cheap-looking. I heard that builders were now putting up all new houses for the people getting married. I hear and see mention of these things in the newspaper. But, then again, these are not very new-looking. So Missus Purcell is not really well-off. I thought teachers were well-paid.

These houses look like the ones me ma and the Jackser fella live in, out in Finglas. I don’t think much of them, judging by the look of the pebble-dashing on the walls. Only maybe these are bigger than the houses out where me ma is. Jaysus, Martha! Yer getting very uppity with your ‘BIG HOUSES’ and ‘SMALL HOUSES’! You haven’t even got a cardboard box to live in, so look who’s talking! Still, you would think that a person who can afford to have someone live-in and do their housework for them would be well-off! Right, where’s number thirty-two?

I looked from one side of the road to the other. Down further, over there, is seventeen. The even numbers are on this side. Thirty-two! I stopped for a minute, with me jaw hanging down to me belly, gaping at it. Oh, holy Jesus! The state of it. Me eyeballs nearly fell out a the back of me head staring. Seeing the dirty net curtains and the heavy ones were drawn halfway across the side, with the middle hanging down. Nobody has bothered to open them properly and stand up on a chair and fix the one pulled down. Jaysus! Look at the state of the garden. It’s full of holes, with rubbish blown in from the road. The garden looks like it has never seen a blade of grass. Not with all them holes in it, and the few tufts of grass are only weeds. I stared at the sweet wrappers and Tayto crisp bags lying around in the muddy garden. The mud was dragged all along the path. Right up to the front door. Jaysus! It’s plain to see they don’t look after this place.

I rang the doorbell, seeing the shape of a woman through the foggy glass in the door. I could hear her big culchie voice talking on the telephone. ‘Just a minute, Katie. I hear someone at the door.’ The door was whipped open by a big aul one built like a bus, looking frostbitten in a long, well-worn aul brown overcoat with the buttons missing in the middle. Jaysus! That coat has definitely seen better days. I looked up at her with the big red culchie face and the mop of dyed-brown wiry permed hair that stood up on top of her head. The dye and the perm had grown out, and the grey was showing like mad.

‘Yes?’ she huffed, barely moving her lips to get the words out.

‘Eh . . .’ I said, hesitating, not liking the look of her.

‘What do you want?’ she barked, staring at me with her hungry-looking, muddy-green bloodshot eyes. I watched them narrowing. Taking me in from head to toe, sizing me up. Judging to see if I was what she wanted.

‘Are you Missus Purcell?’

‘Yes! Who are you? Are you the one the nuns sent me from the convent?’

‘Yes, mam, I’m the one,’ I said, acting the fool, annoyed at being insulted.

‘Come in,’ she said, whipping her head at me and aiming it down the hall. I stopped beside her, not knowing what she wanted. ‘Wait in there for me!’ she roared, throwing her hand and whipping her head again, pointing me down the hall. I looked, seeing a long narrow hall into what looked like a kitchen. I walked into a big kitchen that looked like two rooms made into one. With a window looking out onto a back garden and a stainless-steel sink underneath, overflowing with dirty dishes. The kitchen smelled of grease and dust and years of cooking. Dirty brown filth was covering the kitchen units, and the worktop was covered with more dirty dishes. A loaf of bread was cut and dumped without being covered on the bread board. I could see a half-bottle of milk turned sour, with lumps floating in it. It was left sitting and forgotten, down in the corner of the worktop. Opened packets of biscuits spilled out around the worktop and a packet of cheese was left sitting, ripped out of the packet and the rest left dumped to the open air, and all sorts of germs.

Bleedin hell! It’s the fumigation man this aul one needs, not the likes of me, to come in and help her, I thought, throwing me head around the place. Taking in the crumbs and bits of food walked into the dirty brown, well-worn-out lino. Jaysus! The floor is maggoty dirty.

The doors of the kitchen presses were left hanging open on the wall and the smell of the place would knock you out. The cooker had dirty pots stacked inside each other, and the frying pan was full of dirty brown grease. oh, my God! What have I walked meself into? I thought, looking at the kitchen table covered in dirty plates and dishes from the last night’s dinner. They didn’t even bother to clear the table, never mind do the washing up. Underneath the table was filthy. With bits of carrot and food dropped off the plates and walked into the floor. I could feel meself getting very annoyed and worried. This aul one is off her head. She’s bleedin filthy.

I could see a packet of open margarine with the knife still plastered in butter thrown beside it, getting butter mashed into the table. I turned around, looking to the left at the rest of the room. An alcove with an ironing board was left standing, with the iron sitting on the floor, and a white shirt still waiting to be ironed. I stared at the yellow plastic laundry basket thrown in the corner, piled high with dirty washing. Some of it was spilling onto the floor. With even more dirty clothes piled in a heap, climbing the wall in the corner.

That must be the dining area. It looked like it was two separate rooms at one time. But now they were all one. With the walls knocked out in the middle, making it the dining room one side and the kitchen all in one. It looked very bare, with no furniture. Except for the washing and the ironing board and a small dirty battered aul sofa with the springs sinking in the middle. It’s smothered now, with clean washing dumped all over it waiting to be ironed, and the middle has collapsed onto the floor.

‘What’s your name?’

I whirled around, hearing the voice of a child, and stared into the white pasty face of a fat little girl wearing dispensary eye-glasses. Her brown-black hair was thick and wiry like the ma’s. It stood out on her head with no direction. Some bits were nearly cut to the scalp, chopped to nothing. Bloody hell! Someone got loose at that head with a knife and fork. She could be mistaken for a boy, it’s so short.

‘Martha. What’s yours?’

‘Grainne,’ she said, staring me up and down, then resting herself with her hands behind her back, leaning against the wall. ‘We had a girl called Brigid. Mammy had to get rid of her because Mammy says she was always telling lies!’

‘Is that right, now?’ I said, smiling at her.

‘You better not tell lies or Mammy will get rid of you, too. And you better not be lazy. Mammy hates girls who are lazy.’

‘Well, she won’t have to worry about me. I’m not lazy, and I don’t tell lies.’

‘Yes, but that’s what Brigid said, and she told lies and she was shocking lazy. So you better not be lazy!’ Grainne said. Staring me up and down, not believing a word I was telling her.

Oh, Jaysus! I’m going to go mental in this place. Now I’ve gone and got meself stuck with a load of loonies. And not even a penny in me pocket! God, I want me savings back. How could you let me be so stupid? Me whole life fucking savings! I need them to get outa here. ‘Oh, fuck!’ I snorted again, this time muttering, not caring if the young one heard me. I feel like screaming at you, God! I’m telling you this, it will be a long time before you get any more penny candles outa me. I definitely bleedin mean that. I could have gotten meself inta this mess without you. So if this is your idea of helping me, then FUCK OFF! But if you weren’t helping me, I thought, worried I might be going too far at the idea of cursing God. I started to think about this then got meself all confused and I lost me rag again. Ah, fuck off with yourself, God! I don’t care. I just don’t know anything any more.

I could feel meself beginning to go mad with the rage. I stopped and took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, thinking, right, it’s a job. I’m still lucky! But I can’t seem to stop meself feeling the terrible loss of me money. Without that, I’m now trapped here. At the mercy of the lunatics living in this kip!

I stood in the middle of the floor, waiting on the aul one, feeling me heart sinking, and an empty feeling of being lost inside meself. This place is cold and miserable. There’s no life here, and that aul one looks like she’s one very mean culchie aul cow. She’s definitely going to be looking for trouble. Well, I’ll just have to make the most of it. I’m stuck here until I can find something better. I won’t give her any excuse to get rid of me. I’ll just work hard and keep her satisfied.

‘So!’ she said, coming slowly into the room, watching me, and wrapping the coat around her to keep out the cold. Then she folded her arms and slowly let herself drop against the wall, crossing her ankles, and studied me. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Martha Long.’

‘What age are you?’

‘Sixteen.’

‘Hmm!’ she said, studying me, with her eyes narrowing, flicking up and down the length of me. Working out what I’m made of. I stared back, taking her in. She’s an aul one thinking I’m an eejit, just let out of a convent after being reared by nuns and I don’t know me arse from me elbow. She’s definitely going to milk me for all I’m worth. Well, maybe for the short while, missus, I promised meself. Yeah, it’s no wonder the other one left.

‘Did the nuns train you?’

‘Sorry? Train me in what?’

‘Domestic science!’

‘Science? Eh, what do you mean?’

‘I thought so,’ she said, looking at the young one and shaking her head, with a satisfied look on her face, and a sneer lifting her mouth. ‘Can you clean? Look after a house? Did they teach you to cook?’

‘No!’

‘What?’ she snapped, wrapping the coat tighter around her. ‘What did they teach you?’

‘I know how to clean but I can’t cook!’

She shook her head up and down, looking satisfied at the mention I can clean.

‘Well, it’s not cooking really. I only want you to prepare the potatoes and vegetables for the evening meal. I can cook the dinner myself when I come back in the evenings.’

‘But I can’t cook. Sorry, but I’m not going to be doing any cooking. I can clean,’ I said, looking around the filthy, smelly kitchen.

‘Don’t make a fuss,’ she said, waving her hand at me and walking off to put on the kettle. ‘I will leave the potatoes and the rest of the vegetables out for you to peel. You can do that much, surely! Any fool can peel vegetables,’ she snorted, grabbing hold of the kettle and slamming dishes out of the way to get the kettle under the tap.

‘I suppose so,’ I said, feeling really fed up before I even had a chance to get started in the job. I stood waiting, looking at me suitcase, hoping she would tell me I can take it up to me room.

‘Here, get started straight away on these dishes. I’m going to put the dinner on.’ I looked at me suitcase sitting on the floor and lifted it up, wondering what I should do with it. ‘Where are you planning on going with that?’ she said, looking down at me case.

‘Sorry, eh, could I put it in me room?’

‘Just leave it there and get started. I’ve wasted enough time,’ she snapped.

I took off me coat and left it on me suitcase, sitting it in the alcove against the wall. Then I rolled up the sleeves of me cardigan and made for the sink. ‘Where’s the rubbish bin, please, missus?’

‘Under the sink! Where else would you expect to find it?’

I opened the press underneath the sink and took out a metal bucket with tea leaves and potato peelings and all sorts of rubbish. It smelled to high heaven. Then started to clear the draining board and put the stuff on the table, trying to make room, and scrape and stack the plates and dishes, trying to make order. When the sink was empty, I turned on the hot tap and waited for it to get hot. ‘The water’s cold,’ I said, turning to her taking vegetables out of the plastic racks sitting against the wall.

‘Use the water from the kettle when it boils,’ she muttered, not looking at me because she was busy examining the vegetables that had turned rotten in the racks and was trying to find some that had not gone off. Jaysus! Don’t tell me she’s going to eat that rotten stuff! Fuck! Not even hot water.

‘Grainne, go and turn on the immersion in the hot press. They will be wanting hot water for their baths this evening,’ she shouted to the young one sitting on top of the mound of washing on the sofa and reading a book.

‘OK, Mammy,’ the young one said, looking over at me like she was making sure I was doing me job.

I finished all the washing and drying up, then opened up all the presses to find where everything went. I had to take out most of the stuff, because half of the pots were years old and had been dumped on top of each other, with some of them so burned the bottoms were black and only fit for the bin. I made room and put them all back in order. Then cleaned the filthy, greasy sink, scrubbing the hell out of it with Vim from the press under the sink, and wiped down the table. Giving it a good wash with soapy water in a plastic basin. Then cleaned the worktops and started to sweep the floor. I had to get the dustpan and handbrush first or the food would be dragged around the floor and mashed in. Jesus! There’s no wallpaper on the walls, nothing but the bare plaster, and the grey was covered in grease. This place reminds me a bit of the ma and Jackser’s. They were pure filthy as well.

‘Right,’ I said, putting the brush and dustpan away in the long corner press. ‘I’m finished,’ I said, looking over at her taking thick slices of already-cooked ham out of a plastic packet. There were two slices in each packet. She put them in the clean frying pan with margarine turning brown and smoking away like mad.

‘Start on that ironing,’ she said, nodding her head over at the mountain of washing on the sofa. Fuck! I never ironed a thing in me life. I hesitated, wondering if I should tell her. ‘Go on! What are yeh waiting for?’ she barked, throwing her head at me. Right, I’ll just do them, I thought, making for the iron and looking around to see where the plug goes. ‘The socket’s right behind you on the wall,’ she said, seeing me looking around. ‘Fasten all the buttons on the shirts. Then fold them up as you press them and put the shirts in individual piles!’ she shouted over, without looking at me.

‘OK,’ I said, grabbing hold of the shirt and starting to button it.

She whipped herself over, muttering. ‘No, no, no! Don’t be so stupid. You iron the sleeves first, then the back and sides. Then you button it and fold it into shape,’ she moaned. Showing me with her hands slapping at each place.

‘OK, I’ve got that,’ I said, picking up the iron with smoke coming out of it.

‘Holy mother of God,’ she whined, grabbing the iron off me. ‘You can’t iron at that high temperature. You will scorch a hole in the shirt. Look! Test it first on the table cover! Test it with your hand,’ she said, slapping the iron and snapping her arm back, burning the hand off herself. ‘Plug it out of the socket if it gets too hot,’ she said, whipping out the cord from the wall. Working herself up into a nervous collapse. ‘Don’t leave it plugged in too long.’

‘OK,’ I said, starting to iron the sleeves, looking up into her purple face. Then she was gone. Back to serving up the dinner.

‘Hi, Mam! Is dinner ready?’ A long skinny one, wearing black-framed glasses, and a long, thin face with a pointy nose and straight black stringy hair hanging down around her face, came flying in and dropped her books at the kitchen door, landing them smack on the floor. Sending loose pages scattering everywhere. ‘Oh, you managed to get another one,’ she said, waving her head in my direction, and looking at the ma.

‘Oh, she’s here well enough,’ the ma muttered. ‘The last convent I rang had someone. They said she was a good worker.’

‘Yeah, that’s what they said about the last one,’ the young one muttered, staring me up and down, muttering out of the corner of her mouth, still keeping an eye on me. ‘Is she any good?’ the young one whispered, standing beside the ma and nodding her head in my direction.

‘That remains to be seen,’ the ma mumbled, flicking her eye over at me and lowering her head to the frying pan.

Jaysus! They’re all ugly in this family, by the looks a that one, I snorted to meself, feeling annoyed at the way your woman was talking about me as if I wasn’t a person. Just a fucking nobody to skivvy for them.

‘Sinead, you’re back!’ shouted Grainne, flying down the stairs and into the kitchen. ‘Did you spend the day in the library, like Mammy told you to?’ she asked, sounding like her aul ma.

‘Yes, yes, I did! Go on back to your room, you little trouble maker,’ laughed Sinead, playfully hitting Grainne in the shoulder.

I heard the front door opening and banging shut. ‘I’m home, Mam!’ shouted some fella running up the stairs.

‘Come down now, Padraig! Dinner’s ready!’ shouted the ma, the hair dropping down over her eye, and her face getting even redder from the heat and smoke pouring out of the frying pan. I watched her slapping the burned, greasy-looking ham down on the plate. One for each person.

I looked back at me shirt, seeing a bit of brown scorch right on the front. I stared at it. Jaysus! She’ll go mad. I’ll have to hide it at the bottom of the pile when I get going on the rest of the stuff.

The front door opened again and I could hear someone coming in and the young fella belting down the stairs. ‘How’re yeh, Dad? How’s it going in the old civil service?’ said the young fella, rushing into the room, looking at the plates of dinner stacked on top of the cooker.

‘Don’t grab at them plates. You’ll send the lot crashing to the floor!’ the mammy roared, watching him and the plates, all balancing against each other sitting on top of the grill, and more on the very top.

‘I’m starved. Jaysus! I could eat a scabby babby,’ he moaned, wringing his hands and bending his neck, following the ma’s hands landing the plates of dinner on the table.

‘Pat, come in out of the hall and have the dinner while it’s hot! I’m not switching on that oven to heat it up if it gets cold,’ she shouted to an aul fella coming in the door. He stopped, and dropped his brown leather office case that looked like a school bag, dumping it on top of all the other books and papers scattered at the kitchen door. Then whipped open his evening newspaper, before he even sat down at the top of the table.

‘Hello, Dad!’

‘Hello,’ he muttered to Sinead. Shaking open his newspaper and burying his head in it.

‘Mammy got another domestic from a convent. Look! She’s over there,’ shouted Grainne, shaking his shoulder and pointing him in my direction.

‘Good,’ he muttered. Flicking one eye over at me, then smothering his head back in the newspaper.

‘Come on, Grainne. Sit down and start eating. I’m telling you! If the dinner is cold, you can eat it. I’m not stirring myself to heat it up again for you!’

‘Have you the immersion on, Mammy?’ Sinead muffled through a mouthful of grub. Dropping half of it back onto the plate, trying to hang onto a piece of ham sticking out of her mouth.

‘Yes! Go up straight away. I’m only leaving it on for an hour. That can do the lot of you. The electricity bill was sky high this month.’

‘Yes, you can get yourselves a job, if I get any more bills like the last one,’ the daddy barked. Lifting his head and looking over the glasses sitting on his nose, dropping the newspaper to get a better look down the table at the two big ones.

‘Don’t blame me, Daddy! I never go near the shagging immersion. It’s Sinead who spends all her time in there, primping herself for that fat fool from college! What’s his name? Fatty Arbuckle!’ laughed Padraig, sounding like a horse neighing.

‘Shut up, you! At least I have a boyfriend. No girl would even give you a second look, never mind go out with you!’

‘Shut up, the pair of you! I want some peace when I’m trying to eat my dinner!’ roared the dad. Dropping his head back to the reading and shovelling the fork into the dinner from behind the newspaper. Not bothering to see what he was doing, and just aiming it for his mouth. Half of it ended up on his lap and some on the floor. The rest managed to find his mouth.

Dirty fuckers, I thought, knowing now how the food ends up on the floor. Who would believe a school teacher could have a family like this? She doesn’t even teach them manners. Not even a hello to me. Ah, fuck them, the shower a culchies!

‘Would you ever start on that washing-up?’ the ma shouted over at me, as everyone was starting to get up and leave the kitchen.

‘OK,’ I said, pulling out the plug from the wall and leaving the da’s trousers half-ironed. I can finish them another day, I thought, staring at the pile of nice ironed stuff I’d done. Feeling very satisfied with me work. Then I started to clear the table and empty the slops into the bucket.

‘Put on the kettle and boil the water for the washing-up. Don’t dare touch that hot-water tap. I want that for the baths!’ she shouted at me like I was slow in the head.

‘Right,’ I muttered, filling the kettle.

I had neared the end of the washing-up when Sinead came wandering into the kitchen in her dressing gown and slippers, with her hair wrapped in a towel. I watched her dragging open the presses and pulling out plates and a mug and started making herself sandwiches. Then took out the frying pan and made herself fried eggs and fried bread. Dropping the egg lifter on the cooker, not even bothering to put it beside me on the sink.

‘What’s cooking, Sinead?’ shouted the Padraig fella, peeling in and grabbing at the fridge to take out more eggs and making for the cooker. ‘Where’s the cheese? Did you leave any ham? Make us one of them. An omelette,’ he said, scratching his arse and hopping from one foot to the other. Dying to get his jaws into the grub.

‘No, make it yourself. I’m not your servant,’ she said, sitting herself down at the table, splashing tomato sauce on the eggs and the other half on the table.

‘Hey, miss! Young one! What’s your name? Will yeh make us an omelette? Hurry!’ he said to me, laughing, and throwing his eye at the Sinead one, who laughed, thinking this was very funny, with him trying to make dirt out of me. ‘Come on! Hey, I’m speaking to yeh!’ I ignored him and went on with the washing-up. I dried the last of the pots, slamming them in the press under the sink. ‘Christ, Sinead! She’s deaf as a post!’ he laughed. ‘I’m telling yeh!’

‘Shut up, you!’ laughed Sinead, throwing a piece of bread at him.

‘Excuse me,’ I said, turning around to face Sinead. ‘Do you have a dog?’

‘Wha? What did she say?’ laughed Padraig.

‘No, why?’ said Sinead, with her big marble eyes staring out of her head, shining with the laughter and leaning forward to hear why.

‘Well, either you have a dog that will eat that bread off the floor or you can get down and shovel it up yourself! Lick it up, for all I care. Another reason,’ I said, looking at the long string of misery Padraig fella, ‘that moron has either been talking to the wall or calling his dog. Surely he wasn’t talking to me? I don’t waste me time on fools! Would you?’ The two of them gaped at me, with their heads leaning forward waiting for me to finish, then screamed the house down laughing.

‘Now, fuck faces,’ I said quietly, turning back to them, ‘if you want to live in a clean and tidy house like ordinary decent people, then you better watch how you speak to me. Otherwise, you can go back to living like pigs in this kip. Because I’m walking out that door. Now, which is it?’

‘Get Mammy,’ Sinead said quietly to Padraig.

‘What? She’ll kill us!’ he roared, swinging his head from me to her. She stared at me, clamping her lips together, weighing up the odds of calling the mammy and maybe seeing me walk out and they’re all left in their own bleedin mess again.

While she was thinking about this, I said, ‘You can start by washing up your own dishes, the pair of you. And clean that cooker. I’m going to bed. It must be after nine o’clock and I didn’t even get offered a cup of tea, never mind a dinner.’ Then I threw down the dishcloth and grabbed me suitcase and walked out the door.

‘Where are you going?’ shouted Sinead, running after me.

‘Well, I might stay on, if I know there’s a bed for me to sleep in.’

‘Wait there. I’ll get Mammy.’

The ma came out of the sitting room. I could hear the television blaring out behind her. ‘What?’ she said, looking down at my suitcase then up at Sinead.

‘She wants her room, Mam! Will I take her up to the spare room?’

‘Yes! Where else would I be putting her? Is that what you called me out for? I am missing the news!’ Then she tore back into the sitting room, banging the door in me face.

‘Come on, I’ll show you where you are sleeping.’ I followed her up the narrow stairs, watching out for the carpet not fitted in properly. Somebody will break their bleedin neck on these stairs, I thought, looking at the filthy stair carpet. ‘In here,’ she said, opening the door off a small landing, with three other rooms and the bathroom with the door open and water spilled onto the lino!

‘Jesus wept!’ I heard meself saying, repeating what Sister Eleanor used to say when things got too much for her. I walked into a room with mounds of curtains and shoes and coats and boxes stacked in every corner, and more piled high under the window. There was only room for a small, two-foot-wide bed and a chair.

‘This is your bed. We mostly use this as a junk room,’ she said in a half-hearted laugh, seeing my face getting very annoyed looking around at the state of the room. It was freezing.

‘Do you not have any heat in this house, Sinead?’

‘Yeah, we have fires in every room. Oh, you better clean out mine in the morning and set it for the evening. Before I get in from college. Around half-four get it going. Then it should be blazing by the time I get in around five, half-five,’ she said, swinging her head around the room and giving me a final look, then taking off out the door.

I looked at the bed. Someone had slept in it and the sheets were not changed. I pulled down the blankets, seeing blood stains, and the sheets were grey with the want of a wash. Jaysus! I can’t sleep in that! It’s bleedin manky! That’s it!

I marched out the door and down the stairs and knocked on the sitting-room door. The television was blaring. No answer. I went into the kitchen, looking for Sinead. I was nearly crying with the rage boiling up in me. I stood looking around the empty room. No one here! I looked around, seeing the kettle and filled it, deciding to have a cup of tea and think about me next move. There’s no point in causing a row unless I’m pushed.

I went back upstairs and decided to look in the hot press on the landing. Ah, good. Just what I’m looking for. Sheets. Clean ones. I took out two, and two clean towels. Now, what else is there? I opened the top press, seeing two spare pillows. Just what the doctor ordered. I rushed into the spare room. It’s not mine. I’m not calling it that because I’m not bleedin staying long enough in this kip. I grabbed hold of the chair and stood up on it to get at the pillows. Ah, that looks like a clean bedspread. I took the green nylon bedspread down and grabbed two pillowcases from the bottom after rooting around. Then I took off, carrying the lot on the chair and back into the room. Now, that’s better, I thought, standing back to admire my nice clean bed, all made up. Right, where’s me cigarettes?

I dipped into me coat pocket and came up with the ten-cigarette box of Major and the box of matches. Now for a cup of tea. Oh, I can fill me hot-water bottle while I’m at it. Then I’ll have a few comforts. Lovely. I opened me suitcase, taking out me nightdress and washbag and the hot-water bottle and locked the case again. I’m leaving me stuff in the case. There’s nowhere to put anything, and anyway I’m getting out of here as soon as I can get another job. I know what I can do. I’ll look through the aul fella’s newspaper, and use the aul one’s phone to ring up about any jobs going.

Right, now for me hot-water bottle, and a nice hot cup of tea and a cigarette. Then get to bed and read me book. I got nothing to eat, but I’m not bothered now. It’s too late. The miserable aul bastards. You wouldn’t treat a dog the way they carry on with me. Fuck them. They’re only an ignorant bunch of bastards. I managed to get through today. Maybe I will be out of here when I get me first week’s wages. Jaysus! I better find out about that. She never mentioned a word about how much she was going to pay me.

‘Come on, wake up!’ My head shot up from the pillow before I knew what was happening. ‘Out of the bed. Quickly. Move!’ I stared at the red face with the red eyes boring into me, trying to make out what was happening. Then I rubbed me eyes squinting, making out the shape of the aul one roaring at me to get up. ‘It’s ten to seven already. You were supposed to be up and out of that bed by half-past six!’ she roared, throwing her head to me with the rest of her already out the door. ‘UP! NOW! It’s late in the morning and we all have to be out of the house by eight o’clock!’ she roared like a bull, wrapping the aul granddad’s dressing gown tight around her neck from the freezing cold. ‘Get downstairs now and put on the porridge!’ she shouted back from the landing.

oh, Jaysus! Another day in this madhouse! I stretched, trying to get the stiffness out of me bones from the cold and the mattress sinking down in the middle. Then I whipped the two thin blankets back, threw meself out of the bed, diving into me clothes, and made me way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

I switched on the cooker and got a spoon to start stirring the Odlums porridge. She leaves it soaking overnight, so it won’t take too long to cook, she says. The aul one and aul fella like this for their breakfast and they make the big ones eat it, too. They hate it and go mad. Hmm, I wonder! Maybe I will put too much salt in by mistake. I hesitated, thinking about it. No, I don’t want to lose me job! Ah, go on. Fuck it! Just look stupid and play the eejit. I grabbed the packet of salt and dumped in half the packet. Maybe I should put in sugar as well. Yeah, good idea! Why not? It might sweeten them up after they get over the shock of the salt. I put in nearly the whole packet of sugar. I couldn’t stop me hand from pouring. Though I wanted to stop, me body kept going. Then I put the nearly empty packet in the bin.

Right, what’s next? The kettle for the tea. I filled it and put it on the cooker to boil and took down the bowls for the porridge. The aul ones like a boiled egg as well, so the big ones have the same. Right! I grabbed the eggs out of the fridge and put six in a pot. One for me when they’re gone. I learned me lesson after the first night when they wouldn’t feed me any dinner. So now I just help meself.

I set the table and turned off the porridge, all stuck to the end of the pot now. Jaysus! I better serve it quick then dump the pot under the water.

I could hear the roar up the stairs for the bathroom. ‘Come outa there this minute, Sinead! Your father is waiting to get in for a shave!’ I cocked me ear to listen. That’s the aul one!

Right, that’s the kettle boiled. I poured the boiled water into the pot with the eggs and put them on to boil. Then poured a drop of water into the teapot to heat it up. I learned that one from Sister Mercy in the convent. Mind you, it was the hard way after a couple of digs in the snot! I have to learn everything from scratch when it comes to anything other then cleaning. The ma never did anything. No, not even cooking. Anyway, if there was grub to cook, she didn’t know how to bleedin cook it. Pity about the convent, though. I might have learned something about the cooking there, if I hadn’t gotten meself barred straight away the first day I set foot in the kitchen. Right, stick on the grill for the toast.

I put four slices of bread under the grill and switched it on. I better not forget to watch that. Last time it all went up in smoke! The aul one said I was trying to burn the house down.

I could hear doors slamming and the thump of feet hammering down the stairs. ‘Hurry! Jesus, I’m late! Is the breakfast ready?’ The aul one came marching into the kitchen, throwing a dirty eye at me and one at the eggs hopping around like mad in the pot. ‘How long have these been on?’ she roared, grabbing the pot.

‘Not long, I just put them on now.’

‘Hmm, we all like them soft! I keep telling you that!’

‘Mammy, where’s me red polo-neck jumper? Is it washed?’ Sinead roared, rooting through the ironed stuff I’d left sitting there all nice and neat next to the rags still waiting for me to iron.

‘Sit down! Have your breakfast while it’s hot!’ shouted the mammy. ‘Oh, the grill is on fire!’ She whipped the grill tray down, with the toast smoking and turning black, and blew like mad to put out the little fire on one of the slices of bread. ‘Jesus Christ! Them blasted nuns churn out idiots!’ she roared, throwing an evil eye at me. I kept me head down, concentrating on washing out me burned pot with the porridge still stuck to the bottom.

‘Hurry up, everyone, if you want a lift into the city! The traffic is bad this morning,’ the aul fella moaned, rushing in smelling of Lifebuoy soap. That’s what they have in the bathroom. Then he planted himself at the top of the table and grabbed the spoon to start on the porridge. No one else touched theirs. The mammy looked at hers, seeing the bit of rusty colour from the burned bits sitting on top. Then the aul fella took one mighty spoonful, and halfway to his mouth he stopped. ‘Eat up that good food, you lot!’ he shouted, roaring the head off himself. ‘Come on, eat that porridge. It will keep you going for the rest of the day.’ Then he shovelled it into his mouth. I held me breath, waiting, and lowered me head into the sink to examine me pot. ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Jesuschristalmighty! Wha in hell is this?’

‘What? What’s wrong with yeh?’ shouted the mammy, looking at him and staring at his porridge.

‘Who made this?’ he shouted, slamming down the spoon. The mammy tasted it.

‘Aaahhh, it’s pure poison!’ she screamed, with her face turning all colours, and letting her tongue hang out of her mouth, trying to get rid of the porridge still sitting there. ‘WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS, YOU IMBECILE?’

‘Who, me?’ I said, putting me fist to me chest and pointing me finger at meself. ‘Nothin, missus! I did just as you asked.’

‘YOU DID NO SUCH THING!’

‘Why could yeh not have made the porridge yourself?’ shouted the daddy, with the eyes bulging out of his head and his nostrils flaring, making heavy breathing sounds, the rage killing him at the loss of his porridge.

‘Oh well, that’s it. Nobody can eat that,’ said Sinead, pushing the bowl away and smirking over at me. ‘I’ll just have the egg and a bit of toast. Any toast, Mammy?’

‘No! The fool burned that as well.’

‘You should get somebody in who can cook,’ said the aul fella, lathering margarine on the bread and making short work of the egg.

‘Is there any cheese, Mammy?’ said the young fella. ‘Hey, you! Get some cheese out of the fridge! I’m starving here.’

‘Did you hear him?’ the aul one shouted at me.

‘Who, me?’ I said, standing and staring, not moving meself.

‘Jesus Christ almighty! Do I have to do everything myself?’ she snorted, slamming back her chair and making for the fridge with her back bent and her head trailing the floor ready to land it in the fridge. ‘Here! Does anyone want that?’ she said, slamming a little box of cheese down on the table.

‘I hate cheese,’ moaned Grainne, lifting her shoulders under her neck and wrinkling her nose. ‘I want another egg. Is there any left, Mammy?’

‘How many did you cook?’ the aul one roared at me, then she leapt up and grabbed the pot with the egg left for me. ‘Here! Take that and hurry up! We are going to be late. I’m going to get my bag ready. The rest of you get a move on.’

‘You can all make your own way into the city,’ said the aul fella, looking at his watch and threatening them. Then he pushed back his chair and made out the door.

‘Mammy, what about me jumper?’ the Sinead one roared, blasting the ears off me as I came up behind her to clear the table. ‘Listen you! Wash my jumper. It’s the red polo-neck. It has to be hand-washed. Don’t dare put it in the machine or it will shrink.’

‘Hey you,’ I said, as she made for the door. ‘I don’t know how to use the washing machine. I think your mother can look after the washing.’

‘Did you just be rude to me?’ she said, not hearing a word I said, just the ‘Hey, you’ bit. With the shock still hitting her, she just stared, waiting for my answer.

‘Rude? What do yeh mean?’

‘Don’t speak to me in that fashion, miss! You better learn your place or Mammy will have you out that door faster then you can think with that little feeble mind of yours!’

‘Nah,’ I said, shouting after her flying out the door. ‘It’s just a misunderstanding between you culchies and us Dubliners!’ She came to a standstill in the hall, listening, letting the words sink in, then came back in slowly.

‘What are you saying to me now?’ she said, cocking her ear to me and her head facing away, trying to make me afraid.

‘No, you culchies and us Dubliners speak differently. It’s not your fault. We know when you come up from the bog. You’re all confused when you hit the city because you’re not used to being around people that make fools of you. But not me! I always feel sorry for you poor culchies!’

‘MAMMY!’ she screamed, looking up at the ceiling. ‘That’s it! You’re gone!’ She took the stairs two at a time, roaring for the mammy. ‘That young one has just given me the most almighty cheek, Mammy! Get rid of her now. She’s worse then the last one. She’s trouble, Mammy. Mark my words, that one is nothing but trouble.’

‘Oh, what are you talking about at this hour of the morning? Get ready for college, if you don’t want to take the bus, Sinead. Leave that young one to me! That’s my place to deal with her. Now get moving, the lot of you.’

‘I’m off!’ shouted the aul fella, coming down the stairs.

‘Just a minute, Pat. I’m coming. Grainne, where are yeh? I am going to cut the legs off you, if you don’t get moving this minute.’

‘But, Mammy, I haven’t finished my homework yet,’ I could hear the young one moan.

‘It’s too late now! I told you yesterday evening you were to start on the homework straight after we get home from school. Every evening I tell you the same thing. But do you listen to a word I say? No, indeed you do not! Now you can just go in and tell Mrs Taylor she has my permission to cane the hands off you.’

‘Will you all come on? I’m giving the final warning!’ shouted the aul fella, coming back into the hall and shouting up the stairs. I heard the stampede of feet down the stairs, making the house rattle and shake. Even the windows shook with the noise across the ceiling, as everyone raced to get down the stairs.

‘Now, listen carefully,’ the aul one said, coming into the kitchen wearing a fawn three-quarter-length coat that wouldn’t button in the middle because she was too fat. ‘I want all that dirty washing over there . . .’ she said, pointing to the corner. I looked to see the big mountain she was talking about. ‘. . . in the washing machine and hanging out to dry on the clothesline this morning. Check to see when they are dry and take them in. There’s lovely drying weather,’ she said, looking out at the watery sun trying to make its way seen in the icy-cold morning. ‘Make all the beds, and you’ll find the hoover under the stairs in the press out there. Hoover all the bedrooms, the landing, the stairs and the sitting room. Clean out the fireplaces in the rooms upstairs and the sitting room. Then set them for this evening. You can start lighting them around four o’clock. The weather is turning even colder today so we need to get the heat going for everyone coming in. Bring down any dirty washing from the bedrooms, and put them with that pile over there and wash them. You can go out to the coal shed for the coal, the tin bucket is in there. When you’ve finished setting the fires, leave the bucket in the shed. You may have to make a few trips up and down. Oh, the bundle of sticks for lighting the fire is in there, too. Now, I have left all the potatoes and a head of cabbage sitting there in that low shelf for you to prepare.’ ‘What? I’m to peel the cabbage and put it in the pot?’

‘Yes,’ she said slowly, watching me. ‘Don’t be such a fool. You cut it up and wash it. Use the big pot. Peel the potatoes and cut them up. I want them mashed for tonight’s dinner. I’ll cook the chops when I get in. Now, have you got all that?’ she said, looking at me.

‘I’m gone!’ roared the aul fella, coming into the hall then out again, banging the door shut after him. We heard the car start up.

‘Wait! oh, that bloody man has no patience,’ she said to the wall as she flew out the door on her brown wedgie high heels.

‘Jaysus! Only a culchie would wear the likes a them,’ I sniffed. Watching her trying to hurry, hoping she would break her neck. I listened, hearing the muffled sound of the aul fella saying, ‘I’m gone! I’m tellin yeh now, I’m gone outa here!’

‘Whist! Stop yer aul carrying on!’ she barked, with the noise of the shouting coming from the rest of them. Then the car door slammed and they were off. The car took off at a great lick, and roared off down the road, making the engine sound like it was screaming for mercy. Then I heard the gears tearing, with the aul fella trying to get up speed. The noise carried until they were halfway out of the estate, then they were gone. Taking the noise and confusion and madness with them. Leaving me with only the peace and quiet behind. I let out me breath in a long sigh, not realising I was forgetting to breathe.

That’s better, I thought, looking around at the filthy mess of the kitchen. Now, what’s first? My breakfast. Feed meself! I’ll have toast, for a start. I looked in the bread bin. Nothing! There’s nothing bloody left! Not even a crust left on the table. Fuck! I opened the fridge, seeing a half-opened packet of margarine. That’s it. Empty! Bare! I looked in the little pot, knowing there would be nothing there either. Grainne got the last egg. Mine! That makes two the little fucker got. No wonder she’s so fat. Jaysus! There isn’t a scrap left to eat. The no-good hungry miserable shower a red-neck bleedin culchies! They left me nothing! Right, that’s it. Tomorrow’s Friday. I get me first week’s wages, then that’s it! I’m taking off out of here as fast as me arse will move me.

I snorted in disgust, not able to get over it. The meanness a them culchies! OK, at least I can have a cup of tea, I thought, eyeing the milk bottle with the drop of milk left sitting in the bottom. I puffed me cigarette, trying to blow out rings. How do they do that? I wondered, trying to amuse meself.

Right, I better get going. Now, where will I start first? Kitchen, bedrooms, washing machine? I hope that thing is easy to work, I thought, throwing me eye over at the washing machine sitting at the end of the worktop. Go on, have a go now. Get the clothes washing then start on the kitchen.

Right! Now, I wonder how you work it, I thought, examining it from top to bottom. Lift off the lid. Ah, there’s the knobs. And you put the clothes in this drum thing. Right, that looks easy enough. This is really the first time in me life I ever got a look at one. I barely ever set foot in the laundry if I could help it. Not unless Sister Eleanor was there. Then we were all herded in on a Monday to help with the pressing of the sheets. Two of us stood at each end, three girls and one nun to supervise us. That was always Sister Eleanor. She would feed the sheets in under the roller, and guide them through the huge mangle, and we would catch them coming out the other end while sister slammed her foot up and down like mad on the long thick running board to get it going. That was great gas! Eleanor would turn all colours from the heat, tearing like mad at the white collar around her neck and dripping with the sweat in her long heavy black habit while the lot of us got covered in steam from the wet sheets. But we didn’t have washing machines like this. Only huge things that I kept well away from. I had enough to be doing with me own work, but I always liked to help Sister Eleanor. Yeah, I would do anything for a bit of attention. Hmm, I was only a kid then. Nowadays I demand me weight in gold! No more paying for a smidgen of attention with the sweat off me brow. No, getting attention and a bit of praise won’t put a roof over my head or food in me belly. Yeah, and neither will working in this godforsaken dump! Jaysus, if I stayed here any length of time, I’d end up looking like a skeleton! Right, keep moving.

I rushed over, grabbing up a pile of washing from the corner, and dumped the lot on top of the already full plastic washing basket, carrying the lot over to the machine. Right! I picked up handfuls, dropping them down inside the machine and kept going until it was full. I looked from the machine to the basket. Damn! I still have loads left. It won’t all fit in. She wants it all done in a hurry! Right! I squeezed like mad, pushing and packing them as hard as I could. Then I spotted the red polo-neck belonging to Sinead. I better put that in, too! She wants that in a hurry, otherwise there will be ructions. She will only have a blue fit if I don’t get it washed. I squeezed it in, pushing like mad until it was well down on the inside. I wanted to make sure it got a good wash because the stuff was all piled high on the top, bursting out and now I will have to squeeze the lid down to get it all in.

Jaysus! The bleedin lid won’t close. Now what am I going to do? I stared at it, thinking. Then I had an idea. I got a chair and stood up on it and sat on the lid to make it go down. It still won’t go down. Right! I bounced up and down for all I was worth until I felt a dinge coming in the middle. Fuck! I lifted the lid and gave it a good bang and it popped back into shape again. Grand! At last.

Now, what do you do next? Powder! I need washing powder. Right, I know where that is. Under the sink. Perfect. Omo washing powder. Jaysus! I have to lift the lid again! Hmm, I need to get the powder down in the middle of the wash. Right, here we go again. I dumped out half the clothes and emptied half the packet in. I don’t suppose you use the whole packet. No, I might need that for another wash. Right, got them all in at last. Now twist the knob to get it going. Right, that’s that done. I’m now flying with the washing. What’s next?

I filled the kettle for the washing up and started to clear the table, then stacked the dishes on the side of the draining board for washing.

I’m finished at last. That’s everything washed and put away and the kitchen’s looking nice and clean. I just have to sweep the floor and I have me kitchen out of the way. I heard water running, then saw it pooling around me feet. Jaysus! Help! Mammy! What’s happening? Then a hose shot around from the back of the washing machine with water pumping out. Aaaaahhhhh, help! I grabbed hold of it, wondering what to do. It won’t stretch! I need to put that in the sink. I pulled like mad and the rest of it appeared and I dumped it in the sink. Right, the washing is now rinsing. I better dry up the bleedin floor. It’s completely flooded. That’s more work for meself.

At last, the floor is dry. I squeezed out the mop under the tap and admired me floor. I didn’t know it was that colour, a sort of burnt orange. It looks grand. That must be the first time in years that floor has seen a drop of water!

The washing machine had stopped growling, and thumping, and trying to throw itself around the kitchen, and it was quiet now. I didn’t know it was supposed to do that kind of thing. I thought it must be broken when I grabbed it earlier, trying to stop it lepping into the air. Jaysus! Everything in this house is crazy! Even the washing machine is in on the act.

Right, now to get the clothes out on the line. I lifted up the lid and stuff started bursting out. I got the top stuff out but now the rest won’t move. I heaved and pulled because everything was wedged tight, tangled and stuck underneath. Aaaahhh! Jaysus Christ almighty! This is pulling the heart outa me. I can’t get the stuff out!

I lost the head and started yanking, holding onta the leg of a pair of trousers and had a tug of war. Digging me feet in and tearing meself across the kitchen. I felt a heave then a pop and the stuff . . . no, it’s the drum started to come up with the clothes. I stopped to look. I don’t think it’s supposed to do that! I pulled the clothes and the drum rocked loose. Oh, Mammy! I think it’s broken. Wha’ll I do? I told that dyed-haired grey-haired aul cow I can’t do washing! ‘I don’t know how to use a washing machine,’ I whispered, staring at the stuff looking back at me.

I stood thinking for a minute, holding onta the leg of the trousers. Right, get the stuff out and close the lid and say nothing. What she won’t know won’t hurt her. I dug me hands in, trying to get a grip on the middle stuff, getting it a little bit loose. Then I pulled hard on the trousers, seeing the rest of it appear, taking a load of other stuff with it. Lovely! I’m getting somewhere. I pulled the trousers, black ones, then heard a ripping sound. Oh, Gawd! What have I done now? I looked at the trousers, seeing the huge tear right down the middle. Ah, mother a God, the arse is gone out of the trousers! How can anyone be as stupid as me?

I felt like crying. ‘She will go stark-staring raving mad! The only good thing is she won’t ask me to do any more washing. That’s a good thing. I’ll just let her go mad, and keep saying sorry,’ I heard meself whispering, getting outa breath. What else can she do, Martha? Yeah, it will work out grand when she gets over the terrible news I’m even more stupid then she thinks. Yeah, that’s what will happen.

I went back to me pulling, and finally got a huge bundle coming up, but I had to stand each side of the drum to stop it coming up with the stuff every time I tried to pull. Maybe I could get a job in a circus doing a balancing act! Oh, Mammy! What’s the worst thing she can do to me? I felt me nerves rattling. I lifted the clothes out in a heap, seeing more and more coming. Oh, thank God! At last, I’m getting somewhere. But they don’t look right. I stared at the clothes and dumped them all on the sink and started to untangle the lot. Oh, no! This definitely doesn’t look right. They all look the same colour! A reddish pink. Oh, Mammy! That’s the aul fella’s shirt. I’m sure that was white going in.

I lifted them up one by one, putting them in the yellow basket. Everything is looking the same colour. All the white stuff is now pink, with a mixture of red and blue. The coloured sheets have even gone grey. Well, with bits of different colours. Fuck! That must be from the jeans. oh, no! The woollen jumpers have shrunk. I held up one that looked like Grainne’s. It wouldn’t fit a sixpenny doll. All the woollen stuff is shrunk, even Sinead’s good red polo-neck. It’s gone smaller then the size of a hankie. Me heart leaped with the fright. What am I going to do? Jaysus! I’m definitely dead.

I put all the stuff in the basket and carried it out to the line, half dragging it. This weight would pull the heart out of a horse. Dear God, what will she say? How am I going to get out of this? I started to hang the clothes on the line, trying to keep everything away from the full view of the kitchen window. I know what I’ll do! I’ll try to get the lot dry as soon as possible, and stuff it down underneath the stuff still waiting to be ironed. Yeah, OK. That’s all I can do.

I rushed in with the empty basket and looked over at the clock sitting on the windowsill. Bloody hell, it’s after two o’clock! Where did the time go to? I haven’t done the rest of the house yet! I still have the hoovering and beds to do and the fires to clean and get ready for lighting. Right, move fast. The vegetables have to be done as well. I dumped the rest of the dirty washing in the basket and left it sitting back where it belonged in the corner of the so-called dining room. There’s not even enough room on the line for the stuff I already put out. I had to squeeze in the stuff, putting some things on top of each other. Right, now for upstairs.

I cleaned out the fire in the aul fella and aul one’s room, then rushed down and out to the coal shed. Maybe I should clean all the fires out first then set them for lighting all at the same time. That would make more sense. Right, I might as well dump these cinders. Where does she put them? Not in the shed. That’s full of coal. I looked around the garden, seeing a dump at the end of the wall behind an old tree that was on its last legs. It never even really got growing before it started to die. Hmm, this place is going to put years on me. oh, I can’t wait to get the hell out. I just need to wait until tomorrow when I get me wages. I felt meself beginning to cheer up at that thought.

I rushed back up with the bucket, leaving it on the landing, and started on the bed. I stripped off all the blankets and the eiderdown and made up the bed, with the mattress sagging in the middle. They must have bought that when they were first married. That was probably about fifty years ago! You would think they would go out and buy a new one. Miserable aul sods! There’s two of them working. I wonder what they do with their money? Right, that’s that done.

I dragged the bucket and started in the Sinead one’s room. Oh, holy Jaysus! What a filthy pig. Me eyes travelled around the room, taking in the kip of a dump. She has dirty clothes and knickers, shoes, bags and magazines, cups with mouldy tea festering away, a dinner plate with the remains of a fried egg cementing itself to it, and tons of rubbish all thrown in every direction. Every bit of the floor is covered in filth. Jaysus! She’s definitely mental. They’re all fucking mental. Right, get on with it. I better start on the fire.

Jesus! Am I glad that room is finished? I dragged the hoover, leaving it on the landing, and went into Padraig’s room. This is too much. The place is stinking to high heavens! oh, just keep moving.

OK, that’s all done! Now, let me see. Where am I now? The fires are set, the beds are made, the rooms are cleaned and the carpets are hoovered. It must have taken me the whole day. I just have to do this landing and the stairs then I can start on the sitting room. That only leaves me with the vegetables to do.

Me back aches from all that stooping and bending up and down. This is as bad, if not worse, than the work I was doing in the convent. At least in the convent you could see what you were cleaning and it didn’t smell like this place. Gawd! I would just love to sit down now and have a rest with a lovely cup of tea. Yeah, I really need a cup of tea and something to eat. I’m starving with the hunger. Jaysus! I’m working all day and I got no breakfast! Oh, just leave it. Get on with the job and get finished. Thinking like that won’t do any good or get the job done. It must be late. God knows what time it is. I’m afraid to look at the clock.

OK, that’s the last of the stairs. Now for the sitting room. ‘Oh, that’s great! I’m finished at last,’ I puffed, letting out me breath with the exhaustion and making me way out of the sitting room, dragging the hoover with me. Right, that’s everything done. The house is now spic and span. All I have to do now is the vegetables.

I was just making me way into the kitchen when the hall door opened. ‘It’s home again! Mammy, can I phone Betty Norton, the girl from my class at school? I promised I would. I want to borrow that Enid Blyton book she said I could borrow.’

‘No, you are not allowed to make any phone calls, and well you know it, so stop bothering me about such nonsense!’

‘But, Mammy!’

‘No, go upstairs now and start doing your homework!’ roared the aul one, losing the rag. She whipped her head around, seeing me head into the kitchen. ‘Have you got them potatoes on yet, with the head of cabbage I told you to prepare?’

‘I’m just about to start peeling them now,’ I said, looking down the hall at her, seeing the red face and the eyes blazing out of her head. Jaysus! She really is in bad form.

‘You are completely useless!’ she roared, flying down the hall and whipping the scarf from around her neck and dumping it on the table. ‘What’s this? You have nothing ready?’ I stood looking at her, trying to take in what she was talking about.

‘Excuse me, missus!’

‘Don’t you give me any of your aul excuses!’ she roared. ‘You are bone idle! The lot of you from these convents. The nuns should be ashamed of themselves, letting people like you free when you can’t even tie your own shoelaces.’

‘What? I have been cleaning this house since early morning!’ I started to roar, losing me rag. ‘Fuck this!’ I muttered to meself. ‘Listen, missus! No one could have worked harder then me, you know?’

‘I want no more cheek from you!’ she barked, going purple in the face and tearing open the press and slamming down the pots. ‘Now, get started on them vegetables straight away or you’ll be looking for another job quicker than you know!’

‘Listen . . .’ I started to say, trying to keep me head and not let the fear and temper get the better of me. I felt trapped in this place. There was something about that aul one that reminded me of Jackser. But I didn’t have to put up with it.

‘Mammy, can I call up to her house then? I won’t be long!’

‘No! How many times do I have to tell you? Get up them stairs this minute and start on your homework.’

I lifted the head of cabbage out of the rack, feeling meself shaking inside with the nerves. I feel pulled between telling her to stick her job up her arse and wanting to hang on just one more day to collect me wages. I have barely enough money to buy meself a cup of coffee, never mind buying something to eat! Yeah, there is definitely a bit of the feeling of Jackser in this house. I can sense it around that woman.

‘I’m home, Mammy! Is dinner on?’ Sinead roared, rushing into the kitchen and throwing down her coat in the corner of the hall then letting her books and bag land on top of it. ‘I will be going out around nine tonight. Clem is picking me up in his mother’s Mini,’ she said, talking to the ma and watching me wrestling with the head of cabbage.

Do I cut it or wash it first? I looked at the head, wondering if I should take off the leaves one by one. ‘Did you light the fire in my room?’ Sinead said, suddenly shouting at me. I whipped me head away from the head of cabbage and looked over at her standing with her hands on her hips.

‘Oh, sorry! I knew there was something I should do. But your mammy and me have to do the dinner,’ I said, showing her the head of cabbage.

‘Mammy, is there no fire lit in my room? The bloody house is freezing. It’s nearly as cold in here as it is outside! How can I be expected to study in my room without heat?’ she screamed, looking at her mother and roaring at me. Then she was gone, flying out the door and up the stairs.

I went back to me head of cabbage. She was no sooner up the stairs than I heard a roar coming from up on the landing. ‘Where’s my red polo-neck sweater I told you to wash? Did you hand-wash it, like I asked you to?’

Me heart leaped with the fright. Then a key turned in the front door and a voice said, ‘Hello, everybody, I’M HoME!’ I looked, seeing it was the Padraig fella, shouting and laughing as he put his head in the door. Then he got knocked sideways by Sinead flying back into the room and heading straight over to the wash basket. I turned me head slightly, holding me breath and watched her leaning her head in and pulling all the dirty clothes from the basket, sending them flying in all directions.

Oh, dear God! Here it comes. I was afraid to breathe. Then the ma whipped her head up, looking out to the clothes line at the mention of washing. ‘What happened to the clothes?’ asked the mammy, looking out the window, not able to believe her eyesight. I felt meself getting weak. I have been on the go all day and have nothing in me stomach and now I feel like I’m living with fucking Jackser all over again. ‘What have you done to the washing?’ screamed the aul one, rushing to the back door and yanking it open.

‘What? What’s going on?’ said Sinead, lifting her head to get a look out, then taking off to the back door to see what’s happened to the washing.

‘The clothes are destroyed,’ the ma said quietly, muttering to herself. ‘That imbecile of a girl has destroyed everything. Everything!’ moaned the aul one. I could hear her voice and guessed she must be walking up and down the line, taking in all the dyed clothes. ‘The shirts. Your father’s shirts. He needs them for work.’

‘MY GOOD POLO-NECK!’ screamed Sinead.

Right, that’s it. I’ve taken enough, I thought, feeling the rage make its way around me chest and down into me belly. I didn’t feel like screaming. I just knew when enough was enough. I’m not staying here one more minute around these people. I may be desperate, but I’m not that desperate. I left down the head of cabbage and walked off up the stairs and into the dog box they had a cheek to call a bedroom. I picked up me suitcase and put it down on the bed, taking me nightdress from under the pillow and me hot-water bottle from under the blankets. I never even got the time today to make me own bed.

I picked up me washbag off the chair and packed everything in. ‘Where is she?’ screamed the aul one from the hall. I could hear the two of them rushing up the stairs.

‘What did you do to my clothes? The jumper is ruined!’ Sinead roared, holding it up in the air. ‘Look at the rest of my stuff, Mammy!’

‘Where is that fool?’ screamed the mammy, rushing into the room. Then stopped dead, her red bloodshot eyes flying from me putting on me coat to me suitcase sitting packed on the bed. ‘You are not getting one penny in wages from me,’ she snorted. ‘Not until you have discharged every last penny for destroying the whole household’s clothes. Where do you think you are going, miss?’ she whipped, throwing her head at me suitcase, seeing me button me coat and lift me case off the bed. ‘You can put that suitcase back, for a start! Give me that case.’

‘Get your hands off my property, missus!’ I said, looking straight into her face and holding the case in both me hands.

‘Take that case off her, Sinead. If she attempts to leave this house, we will have the guards after her. I’m going to phone the nuns. She has destroyed our personal property! We will see what the nuns have to say about this. In any case, you can’t just walk out the door when it suits you, madam. You have to give me one month’s notice!’

‘Give me that case!’ Sinead said, standing in front of me and slamming out her hand. I stared up at her, seeing her eyes cold as ice, with her face made of stone. I’ve seen that look many times before. It’s the look of someone who thinks they are so far above you they can do what they like with you. The idea of even crossing this one hasn’t entered her mind. She thinks she knows me. I’m a fucking nobody from a convent, used to doing what I’m told. She leaned down, making to take the case off me.

‘We’ll lock it away!’ shouted the aul one, standing by the door with her arms folded and her lips clamped together, with her red eyes spitting venom. ‘It can stay locked up until we can get a replacement for her. But I certainly intend reporting her to the Garda! In fact, I’m going to phone the convent straight away. Get that case, Sinead.’

I could feel a fire running through me veins but the funny thing is I feel icy cold at the same time! It feels like I’m taking on Jackser at his own game, someone thinking they can own me! ‘Missus, get outa me way before you regret ever clapping eyes on me. Outa the way, hatchet face,’ I said quietly, gritting me teeth at Sinead. She hesitated, taken unawares at the way I acted. I took off out the door, taking the stairs quickly but yet slowly. Like I wasn’t really in a big hurry.

I whipped the front door open wide, leaving me suitcase down on the ground, sitting it well away from the door, further down the path. ‘Come back here, you! How dare you behave in this fashion.’

‘Don’t worry, missus. I’m not going anywhere in a hurry! Not until I get what’s due to me,’ I said, holding out me hand for me money.

‘You are out of your mind. Me, owe you money?’ she said, curling her hand into a fist and pointing one finger at her chest, her eyes bulging outa her head with what she was hearing. A car slowed down and the aul fella drove up, parking the car outside.

‘What’s going on here?’ he barked, slamming the car door shut and wrapping the newspaper under his arm, trying to lock the car and keep his eyes on what was happening.

‘Pat, this little guttersnipe is attempting to walk out without so much as a by-your-leave! Can you believe it? After all the damage she has done! She has ruined all the clothes in the washing machine, including your best shirts. Your trousers are in shreds.’

‘What are you talking about?’ he said, looking at her with his face twisted then bringing his head back down to look at me, trying to make sense of what is going on.

‘Aren’t I after telling you? She has just destroyed every stitch of clothes we have in the house. All the jumpers are ruined. Shrunk! They are only fit for throwing out. Your good black trousers, the one belonging to the suit, is ripped beyond repair. Now she thinks she can just waltz out of here without paying any recompense!’

‘Get in out of the street! Go inside, the lot of you!’ he shouted, throwing his head at everyone, waving his rolled-up newspaper to whoosh everyone in the door.

I picked up my suitcase. ‘I’m not going anywhere until I get me money!’ I said, raising my voice enough for them to get the message without shouting.

‘Well, if it’s true what my wife says,’ he laughed, making a jeering sound, ‘you won’t be going far until this matter is settled. Now, get inside.’

‘Pat, I’m going to call the guards,’ she said, her eyes flying to the phone.

‘Listen, missus! Cut the fucking game out!’

‘Don’t you dare use that kind of language in my house,’ he barked, curling his fists, jabbing them down by his side and making for me.

‘Listen, you pair of gobshites! This might’ve worked for you up until now, frightening the shite out of poor young ones straight out of a convent, getting them to work day and night, slaving away for nothing. But the pair of you fuckers have no idea who you’re up against. This is not Victorian times! Now, do I get me wages for slaving away for the last four days or do I have to show you I mean business? You have all met your fucking match!’

‘Get the police, Irene!’ shouted the aul fella, waving himself in the door then screwing up his newspaper and slamming it against his open palm, swinging himself back to look out at me, like he was watching to make sure I was not going anywhere until the police arrived. ‘You will be locked up for threatening behaviour,’ he said, getting very white in the face from the rage in him. ‘We are all witnesses here!’

‘Hurry up, then, because I hope they arrest me. I am going to sing like a canary to anyone that listens. Certainly the judge! Yeah, I can’t wait to tell him how you threw a poor orphan girl out onto the street into the freezing cold dark night without a penny in her pocket after slaving for you lot for over a week without even being given proper food to eat. I had to scrape around for the leftovers you lot left in the pots. Oh, yes! You have no idea just how I can talk, missus! Now, are we getting the coppers or not?’ I said to them, standing there looking at each other, trying to work out their next move. ‘Because yeh see, hatchet faces. I intend going next door, to ask the neighbour of yours to ring the nuns from the convent where you got me from, and ask them to come and collect me from the street where you heartless bastards threw me. I’m starting to cry me eyes out now at the thought of it all. The terrible injustice you fuckers are doing to me. The whole thing is making me nerves go bad. Here you all are,’ I sniffed, ‘supposed to be a pair of Christians, and a civil servant and a teacher no less. But what are you doing? THROWING ME, THE POOR ORPHAN, OUT ONTA THE STREET TO DIE IN THE FREEZING COLD! Now, do I get me money?’ I said quietly, holding out me hand, ‘or do I have to start knocking on doors until someone listens to me plight? Oh, yeah, I intend telling them everything there is to know about the lot of youse! From Sinead’s dirty filthy knickers on the bedroom floor to how you have rats running around the house because you live in filth and dirt! They know that anyway. They can see that from the outside of the house, the way the house is falling down around your bleedin ears. Now, gimme me bleedin money! I’ll tell them as well what you have for your dinner, that you eat only margarine, either because you can’t afford it or you are too fucking mean to buy butter. Maybe the pair of you are in debt right up to your eyeballs! That’s why you can’t afford to buy a bit of heat in the house. Now, you know neighbours like nothing better then a good aul gossip—’

‘Get out! Shut the door, Pat!’ The aul fella stood staring at me. I could see the fat on his chin shaking and the eyes sinking into the back of his head with shock and rage, with him not able to believe what was happening. They didn’t want to let the likes of me best them. I could feel the rage inside meself. Well, I’m not letting go either. These bastards are not getting the better of me. The fuckers think they are better then I am. The shower of culchie ignorant bastards need to learn they are wrong.

I watched her as she stood beside him. Her eyes are dancing in her head, with the rage and fear and the worry of what I might do running through her mind all at the same time. ‘So, you’re not as foolish as you look,’ she said, walking over to me and grabbing her coat around her, smirking at me. Her sleevin eyes were saying, ‘Yeah, we understand each other very well!’ I gave her the same smirk back, letting her see I could read her very well. Her bullying ways didn’t worry me in the slightest. Nor did her tricks about the coppers, using that one to hold me a bleedin prisoner, her very own free special slave, working away in her house until I either ran off or she managed to get another poor eejit before she was left stranded.

‘Listen, missus! You’re not as smart as you think yeh are. You have been playing this game long enough. Why don’t you pay someone the wages they are owed? You said yourself, you’ve run out of convents to get girls to slave for you! By the way, I know the school you work in. I might just turn up there and cry me eyes out looking for you, begging to get me money and pleading with you to let me go free. I’ll start with all the mothers outside the gate and work me way in to the head teacher! Wha deh yeh think about tha, missus? Another thing. I want to let you inta a secret, missus. Not too many people know this. I was making me way on them streets when you were still getting yer arse wiped. Yeah, I’m only sixteen but if you live to be a hundred, missus, you’ll never be able to outsmart the likes of me! Now, give me me money. I want the full amount! Thirty bob. If you keep me standing here any longer, I can promise you it will go up to three quid!’

She kept smirking at me, like there was something inside of her enjoyed bringing out the worst in me, the street fighter! She really likes trying to get the better of people. I was right. She is another Jackser!

I met another teacher like her once. She was the very same. She beat the hell outa me just to get me to knuckle down under her, all because she couldn’t stand the sight of a child who was half-naked, bare-foot and had lice crawling in her hair. They saw us as an easy mark to vent their madness on. Well, not any more. I am more then a match for anyone who thinks they can best me.

‘I’ll give you no more then ten shillings,’ she said, walking off.

‘No, you can wipe your arse with that. I want what I’m entitled to.’

‘You didn’t work a full week,’ she said, walking in and closing the door. I walked up to the front door and rang the bell. ‘Wait there,’ she said, opening the door then getting ready to shut it again.

‘No, listen, missus! You better listen carefully. I am going to make it my business to get my full amount of money from you. I don’t care what it takes. Never fear! I’m not going to start shouting and making trouble for meself. No, I’m going in next door to cry me eyes out and ask them to ring the nuns.’

She stared at me. I stared back, wanting her to meet me halfway, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to give in. The cold was biting into me, along with the hunger. I just wanted to get away. But that won’t happen if she thinks she can get the better of me. ‘I’m nobody’s fool,’ I said, shaking me head and looking into her eyes, wanting her to understand she was not going to win.

‘Stay there!’ she snapped. I waited. ‘Here! There’s a pound,’ she said, putting a green pound note into me hand and waiting for a second to see would I refuse it. I turned away, making for the gate, and she slammed the door shut. I felt a great weight lifting off me shoulders, like I was getting rid of Jackser for the second time in me life.