I’ve had an idea for doing something different tonight.
Oh yes? What’s that?
Instead of me giving you another page of notes, I thought perhaps you could recount some of the moments in your life that you think have been defining. That way I could write them down and keep them in mind as I work through your papers.
I see. That is an interesting idea.
It’s exactly the same project, just a different approach. And it could help me to recognise things that I might not otherwise identify as significant.
Yes, yes. I see your logic.
As a safety measure against missing anything important.
Uh huh. Right.
Last night I suddenly realised how risky it was to have only my interpretation of what’s relevant.
That’s a good point.
After all, we’re two different people.
Very different.
And if I knew a little more about your life then it could help me delve deeper between the lines.
Well I did say I wanted you to do that, didn’t I?
It’s a valid request, especially if you’re intending to write the autobiography I know you’re capable of.
You think it could be something good?
Of course it could. Without question.
Well that’s very nice of you to say.
And I want to do everything I can to help you write it. So it occurred to me that a two-way exchange of information might improve our process. Instead of just one way, from me to you.
It all sounds very wise…except, I thought we had already established the guidelines for how this relationship was going to work.
Well I know we discussed a general process, but I didn’t think it was set in stone. We can mix things up a bit can’t we?
Mix things up? Sure, sure. However you do remember that I am the person who’s paying you, right?
Of course, but…
As well as giving you proximity to me in case any of my talent rubs off. How’s that working out for you by the way?
I don’t really…
And I understand that being an academic you’re used to appropriating other people’s ideas to disguise the fact you have so few of your own. In fact I sympathise with it. It’s part of the culture you’ve always worked in. And I can appreciate how difficult it must be to break a habit like that. I suspect that after a while you don’t even recognise it as a habit.
I wouldn’t exactly put it like that.
Of course you wouldn’t. But I just want to clarify that I’m not some anonymous funding body handing out grants so you can sit around regurgitating my own ideas back to me. I’m paying you to do an actual job. To tell me about my life. And the last thing I need to hear is what I already know.
I wasn’t intending…
To tell you the truth, your idea sounds like nothing more than an excuse for not having done your homework. What are you going to do next? Tell me that Sadie has eaten it?
No of course not, I…
Just what exactly have you been doing all day? You’ve been paid your wages. Yet so far all I’ve received in return are sausages that I didn’t even ask you to buy.
But I thought you said…
Stop fucking interrupting me. The next time you try and pull shit like this you’ll be out on your arse. I haven’t given you a tough job. Even someone with your limited intellect should be able to manage it. So now I want two pages from you tomorrow, and they had better be impressive. In fact I want two pages every day from now on.
I was reading reviews of Dismantling Ivan’s Circus. That’s what I was doing today.
Well what the hell for? You think I can’t remember everything I need to know about a book I only finished writing four years ago? I don’t need to know anything about Ivan. What I want is information from the time of Foxtrot and The Bombardier and Lady Cadaver. That’s what I need help remembering.
Right. Okay. I’ll get onto it first thing tomorrow.
You can get onto it now. You think you’re going to sit there and eat my food and smoke my weed and provide nothing in return? I want a page by the end of the day or the deal is off.
But I thought you said you wanted two pages tomorrow.
Two pages tomorrow, and one tonight. You’ve pissed me off kid. Now get to work.