I stare at him, and then at the ring, backing off in horror. ‘What, are you crazy, Mark? Put that thing away. You can’t possibly expect me to just… fall back to where I was almost nine years ago.’
He shifts on his knee and looks up at me, his face a mask of disappointment. ‘I was hoping that we could put that behind us, for Danny’s sake.’
I find myself nodding. ‘Of course, Mark. I want Danny to have…’ I swallow ‘…his father. But marriage? No.’
‘I know it’s sudden. You must think I’m pathetic. But think. We could be Mr and Mrs Wilkins.’
‘Mark… marriage to someone you don’t love is not the answer.’ Let alone the fact that ever since Mitchell came into my life, I haven’t given Mark a single thought.
‘But that’s the thing, Rosie. I’ve come to realise I do love you.’
I had been talking about me, actually.
‘All these years away from you, being with other women and all, only made me realise that you are the sweetest, kindest, dearest girl I’ve ever met.’
I don’t know about the kindest, but certainly the most gullible. My heart aches all over again to remember myself giving birth to Danny without him. And it aches even more to hear the words I’d so desperately needed all these years when it’s simply too late. There is no more room for Mark in my heart. Only Mitchell.
‘I want to make a will so when I’m old and gone, everything will go to you and Danny. I want him to have a legal father. And for you both to be protected and looked after. Do it for Danny. Give him a normal family.’
A normal family. For years I’d struggled, killing myself to give Danny just that, and now Mark says that we’re not normal?
Could he be right? Could it be that only I don’t see the truth – that we are not normal? Would marrying Mark and living with him make us normal? Is that really all it would take to make Danny’s life normal and complete?
And then Danny’s Christmas wish to Santa comes to my mind. I know he wants a family, and that I’ve fallen short of that. If I say yes, Danny’s dreams will all come true. A father, a fantastic home, school trips abroad, a great school.
‘Don’t answer me now, Rosie. Just think about it.’ He swallows, and looks me in the eye, his own moist. ‘Just give me a chance to take care of you both. And maybe one day, you won’t hate me so much…’
‘Mark…’ I can’t seem to say anything else. What can I possibly say to a man who’s broken my heart, made a few brief appearances every few years or so, and then comes back, wanting to make amends? I am not prepared for something as surreal as this.
‘So, how are we going to do this?’ he asks.
‘Danny needs to get to know you better,’ I say. But, even as I’m saying it, I wonder if it’s the right thing to do at all. Mitchell was part of my plans. But I guess life is more than just having a man in it. Life is, I’ve learned the hard way, about making ends meet. Paying bills and raising your child with love and respect.
There is no room in my life for any man who’s not Mitchell. For him, I’d have made an exception. Because he is exceptional. Or rather, he was, in my eyes. Now I know he’s just a guy like every other. I don’t need a man who will turn my life upside down completely. For now, especially now, I need a shot at security. I owe it to my son to give it a go.
So for Mark, I’ll make room. For Danny’s sake. Because he needs a father. But for myself, no one short of Mitchell will ever do. I’m out of the game for good.
*
The next morning I’m up early, with a headache the size of a cathedral. Danny is sleeping like an angel next to me. Coffee. I need coffee, before my head explodes.
But first, I have to finish what I came here for. I ease out of bed and slip into a pair of fresh jeans, ignoring my pasty face and brushing back my hair into a ponytail.
A few cups of strong brew and I’ll be fit enough to give Mitchell’s reviews one last look. Because I don’t want to leave under a cloud, or just be the girl who lied to him. And because I’m still not convinced. Something, somewhere, is escaping my notice. I have to find what I’m looking for before I leave. I owe him that much, at least.
After shovelling two butter pastries down my throat and two cups of coffee, I adjourn to my place behind my soon-to-be-former desk and pull out my notes. Yes, there’s definitely a financial hole concentrated in those twelve months. But my mind keeps straying to the blogs.
‘Found it yet?’ comes a voice from behind me, making me jump.
‘Jesus, Laura, you scared the crap out of me,’ I say, shielding the screen with my body as if I still had a secret to defend. Because it won’t be long before Mitchell tells everyone.
‘Oh, sorry, Rosie! I was on my way to breakfast. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to really miss you guys when you go.’
‘So will I,’ I sigh. ‘You’ve all made us so welcome, and Danny will be heartbroken when we leave.’
‘Then don’t. Accept Mitchell’s job offer and stay. We’ll help you with everything else – the house, the move. Alex has got a huge van.’
If only I could. But Laura doesn’t know it’s off the table now. And only I know the devastation he has left in my heart. In the space of a few days, he’s healed my heart, opened it and broken it all over again, never to be fixed. This is not a patch-up job anymore. There are too many shards that have flown off in every direction. No one, least of all me, will ever find the pieces again. And this time I can’t even try. I bite my lip. ‘I can’t.’
‘I wish you could.’
‘Besides, Mitchell’s got his hands full now…’
Laura nods. ‘Yes, Penny. She is a handful, but she does love him.’
As if you couldn’t tell.
‘And he…?’
‘He’s absolutely besotted with her, of course.’
Great. And she’s telling me this now?
‘Can I bring you some breakfast back from the dining hall?’
‘No, thanks, Laura.’
‘Okay, then.’
I still have loads of work to do, and if Mitchell doesn’t like it, tough bananas. It’s my job. I pour myself a cup of strong coffee and inhale the rich aroma. I thought I could get to know Mitchell a bit better. It didn’t happen. I thought I’d have the guts to tell Susan what I think of her and Johnson Hotels. That didn’t happen either. I thought I could look around here for a new start. Ditto.
And while I’m thinking of all my failures, the reminder of my biggest one, Demelza-Penny, suddenly appears on the door. I lower my eyes to my coffee, but I can see her striding towards me with that confidence that only a young, hot woman can have.
‘Hey,’ she says. I don’t know if she’s talking to the barmaid or to me, so I look up. She’s smiling like the Cheshire cat. Good for her. I can only wish them the best, and that she doesn’t eventually dump him like Diane did. ‘You’re Rosie, right?’
I nod.
She holds out her hand. ‘Penny. Pleased to meet you.’
‘Likewise,’ I lie.
‘Your little boy is lovely.’
‘Thank you.’
‘You’re from London, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘And is that your husband, the man you were having dinner with the other night?’
For someone so engrossed in her own lover, she’s asking me an awful lot of questions.
‘Husband? No.’
‘I didn’t think so. You’re single, right?’
By the way she’s studying me, I can only assume she means, Are you interested in Mitchell? I can read her body language a mile off. It’s what I’m good at. She wants to know what my expectations in being here are, and I suspect she’s actually entertained by the idea that someone like me might have a hope in hell of being reciprocated by someone like him.
Now, I’m no shallow girl, but I know how many male – and some female – minds work. A girl like me, common and ordinary, is never going to attract someone like Mitchell for the long game, whereas someone like her, aka a complete and utter knockout, is going to turn his head a thousand times over.
Just look at her – the confidence of a young woman who has never had to fight for anything in her entire life, judging by the way men seem to fall all over her, much to Mitchell’s annoyance. Because he’s jealous, all right, no matter how much he chooses to hide it. Good thing I’ll be out of here soon enough.
‘Single? Not for long,’ I lie.
Penny’s eyebrows shoot up. ‘Oh? I thought Mitchell mentioned you were on your own.’
The cheek. Of both of them. ‘No.’ I can feel my nose growing as I speak. I’m not good with lies. Actually, I’m absolute rubbish at them.
‘Is that man your son’s father then?’
‘Yes.’
‘So is he your partner or not?’
Jesus, what does she want from me? It’s not like my presence here is a threat to her or anything. She must know the coast is clear and that I would never, could never, stand between them. I’m just not like that. Still, a woman can never be too sure about her man (experience has taught me that much).
‘Yes.’ Now, not only can I feel my nose growing, I can also feel a giggle forming in my throat. The idea of me and Mark is absolutely hilarious. At least it is now, after almost nine years. But I’ve put my foot in it now. Besides, I need to throw both Mitchell and this Penny gal off my scent. And it’s working. She leans forward, obviously intrigued. Me and my big gob.
‘What’s he like?’
Like? I lean back. ‘His name’s Mark. We met at work.’ And then I zip the lip, because I’ve almost blurted out the name of my company. See? I told you I’m no good at this.
‘And Danny?’ she asks. ‘Do they get along?’
‘Yes, luckily.’
‘And yet, you and Mark don’t look like an item. Are you may be interested in someone else?’
There we go. ‘Oh. Absolutely not.’
‘Oh. I thought you were interested in Mitchell.’
To hide the effect of the kick in the teeth she’s just given me, I laugh. ‘Mitchell Fitzpatrick? What nonsense.’ I really do deserve that Oscar, by the way.
‘Huh,’ she says. I raise my head and she’s looking at me like she doesn’t believe me, her eyes never leaving mine, and I’m hoping I look convincing enough. Because if I don’t, she’ll go back to Mitchell and have a laugh. ‘Mitchell tells me you were giving him some good tips. I wanted to thank you for that,’ she says and I do a double take. ‘We really appreciate your help.’
I nod. Wow. She sure has moved in fast. She’s apparently taken every available vacancy in every aspect of his life – his accounts, his table, and his bed. I’m not just jealous. I’m bloody miserable. It serves me right.
Besides, it figures he wants someone who looks like Penny. If I wasn’t jealous, I’d actually like her, although not as much as he seems to. But the memory of them, heads bowed together, whispering to each other and laughing at their private jokes throughout the evening, is killing me.
If I didn’t think so highly of him, I’d think he’s doing it on purpose just to hurt me, but who am I kidding? The chemistry between them is tangible. And to think he’d acted besotted with me only days before. I have to agree with the song – love stinks.
I think of them and want to kick myself in the ass. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? I swore I’d never, ever again lust after someone I can’t have, and what do I do? Fall in love with the guy I’m supposed to be spying on and lie to him through my teeth. I push him away because of a sense of duty towards my boss who’d have me hanged, drawn and quartered in a heartbeat if she had her way.
And now, to top it all off, he comes up with a girlfriend. Why didn’t he say so? Why do I always attract the two-timers and the dumpers? Just my bloody luck.
‘I have to go now. Nice talking to you, Penny,’ I say.
‘And you,’ she says. ‘It would’ve been nice to get to know you better. Are you sure you won’t accept that job and stay?’
I stop. Christ, does he tell her absolutely everything? And how is she even cool with it? Glad to know I don’t represent the slightest peril to her designs on him. ‘Oh. No, I’m opening my own pottery business and working from home.’ As if. Boy, am I getting good at this or what?
‘In London?’
‘I’m not quite sure, yet,’ I say. I smother a huff. Why is it so important for her to know? I am absolutely no threat to her whatsoever. Why won’t she just let it go? Unbelievable. Why can’t some women just enjoy their victories in silence, rather than rubbing my nose in it? ‘Nice meeting you,’ I repeat as I skulk off.
Later that evening, Danny and I cuddle a bit in the bed we are now sharing in Mark’s suite. It is our usual end of the day ritual. In London it was a way to make sure we stayed in touch after a busy day. Here, it seems like the most natural thing in the world.
‘Goodnight, darling,’ I whisper, kissing his forehead.
‘Night, Mum,’ he whispers back, sleepily, his lids closing.
I tuck him in, thanking my lucky stars. Whatever happens, Danny and I have each other.
*
The next morning, I’m at my desk early, collecting my notes, trying to word my final report. But all I can think of is how tough it’s going to be without Mitchell. Especially on Danny. Because this is not just about me. My little man has already fallen for Mitchell, despite the presence of his biological father on the premises. Danny has barely acknowledged him, truth be told. He only has eyes for Mitchell, much to Mark’s annoyance. But then, you reap what you sow.
Despite myself, I start to list all of Mitchell’s good qualities as a manager. Capable, hard-working. Even though I still don’t know where he gets all that money, I’m convinced he’s honest and that he hasn’t stolen a single penny. But he isn’t as honest on other matters. Like with my heart. Why didn’t he tell me he had someone? That’s men for you. They hack their way into your heart, despite your best resistance, and after they’ve torn your walls down, they simply… evaporate, leave you standing there, looking around you, wondering where they’ve gone. Leaving you amidst the ruins of your dreams. Congratulations, Rosie old girl. You have once again been had.
And yet, I can’t hate him. I’m mad at him, sure I am. But to be honest, I’m mad at myself, because even now, the way he makes me feel has nothing to do with my evaluation, and yet, as I type away at my report, I can’t help but think how all these qualities have made me stray from my job. I’m no professional, I now know.
To be fair, I’ve always known I can’t just ruthlessly pick a hotel apart, close it down, and put someone out on the street. Especially over the Christmas holidays. I’m an assistant manager, not an inspector, or a heartless monster. I’ll leave that kind of stuff to Susan.
But I’d still like to know who the culprit is. I’m sure that there is a solution to all this, my search for that one, elusive thing that is staring me right in the face, thumbing its nose at me.
‘Please please please if u value ur life don’t go their (sic),’ one of the blogs starts. ‘The only good thing was the food.’ Oh, God.
And then my laptop suddenly crashes.
‘No, no, no,’ I plead, hitting Ctrl, Alt and Delete repeatedly, but nothing happens. The screen is black. It’s dead, all dead. And so are we if I can’t solve this. Of all times to bite the dust! ‘Come on, don’t do this to me now!’
‘What’s wrong?’ Penny asks coming back to my desk.
‘My computer just crashed.’
‘Did you hit Ctrl, Alt and Delete?’
‘Yes, yes, but it’s not working. I need a decent computer.’
‘I’m only using my tablet, so I can lend you mine if you want,’ she suggests.
‘Oh, you would? Thank you! I’m in the middle of something important.’
‘Which is?’
‘Someone’s writing horrible things about the inn and I need to get to the bottom of this or else—’ I bite my lip.
‘Okay, I’ll go get it for you.’
‘Thanks, Penny.’
She studies me. ‘You really care, don’t you?’
What exactly I care about is not mentioned, and it’s just as well. I have no time to get into any soul-searching conversations.
‘Yes,’ I whisper.
She smiles. ‘I thought so.’