Our Cornwall time is up and it’s time to say goodbye. I feel like I have crammed a lifetime into one short bubble of absolute bliss with Mitchell. And then burst it with my own clumsy fingers.
‘Mum, do we have to go back to London?’ Danny whines as I alternate between wiping down Mark’s kitchenette counter and my eyes, the latter surreptitiously. This is the last time I’ll have to do this, because tomorrow we’ll be gone from this place. To think that before we got here, Danny didn’t want to come. For the past three weeks we’ve become an integral part of this little community. Little Kettering had let us into their small circle, making us feel wanted. And now, it’s all over.
I take a deep breath. ‘Yes, darling, we do.’
‘Because of my father?’
‘Oh, no, darling. We make our own decisions – just you and me, Danny.’
‘Mum, can I tell you something, without you getting upset?’
I stop and set my tea towel aside to sit next to him at the breakfast bar. He rarely spoke like this to me, and I can see the difference that being here has made in him. ‘Of course, love. You can always tell me anything you like.’
He purses his lips, like an adult weighing his words. ‘I’m not all that keen on Dad, Mum. I don’t even like calling him that. I know he is, but – I sort of, don’t like him at all, really.’
‘Oh, Danny,’ I whisper, taking him into my arms. ‘You don’t have to call him anything at all. You don’t even have to see him ever again if you don’t want to.’
As a matter of fact, that is my plan, and now that I know my son feels the same, I’m much easier about making that decision on his behalf. I had worried I was being too manipulative or protective, and that I didn’t have a right to deprive him of his only father figure, excluding my own dad, and now Mitchell.
‘So why are we leaving so soon?’ he wants to know.
There’s no need to burden him about my quitting.
‘Did you and Mitchell fight?’
Fight? You might call it that, the sudden death of what could’ve been a fantastic relationship with an equally fantastic guy. ‘Of course not, darling…’
‘But, Mum, I heard someone talking about it.’
Oh, great. We’re now the object of staff gossip. How did this get so out of hand? And to think I only came here to try and get away from my usual problems. I guess problems have their own GPS system so they don’t just go and get lost like we’d like them to, but actually return and multiply like rabbits on speed.
I’d actually like to throw myself on the sofa and bawl my eyes out while drinking myself into oblivion, but because I’m supposed to be a responsible adult, I have to Mother up and bear it.
‘Darling,’ I say, wrapping my arms around him. ‘There is absolutely nothing wrong. So be happy and give Mummy a kiss, okay?’
Danny watches me, unsure, but finally hugs me, his little mouth on my cheek, and that’s all I need for now.
An hour later, we’re all packed. I want to be home before nightfall. Excluding Mitchell, we’ve said goodbye to everyone, dodging their Awh, whys and are now ready to go.
Only… I can’t leave it like this between Mitchell and myself. Of course I can’t bear to look him in the eye ever again, so instead I sit down and write him a letter. Who cares if he pins it on the corkboard at Reception for a laugh? Whatever makes him feel better. Because I can’t stand the idea of having lost someone like him. I will never ever find another Mitchell, no matter how long I live or how many people I meet. It’s just not going to happen. Mitchell was everything I ever wanted. It just won’t get any better than him. And I’ve blown it.
Which is pretty much what I write down in the letter, only that by the time I’m done I can’t read it because the words are all blurry for the tears in my eyes.
I try different versions and several drafts. But it’s all a cheese-fest. I can’t sound any more pathetic. I don’t even read it again or check it for spelling mistakes because he can’t think any worse of me anyway, right? So I fold it, put it in an envelope and put it on his dresser.
Danny is pulling at my sleeve. ‘Can I go say goodbye to Sally, Mum? Her shift starts in a few minutes and I want to thank her.’
My little man – the manners of a gentleman. How the heck did I raise such a quality kid? I ruffle his hair. ‘Of course, darling. Wait for me in the lobby.’
Well, that’s me done. I’ve quit my job and I’ve lost my brand-new boyfriend. What else is there? How am I going to go back to London, back to our pint-sized flat, and find a nine-to-five, having briefly known happiness?
And Mitchell, how did I lose him so stupidly? Where did I go wrong?
This is one whole giant mess. I ruined everything by myself. I really am ‘ruinous’, as Danny said. And speaking of, my boy will be waiting for me in the lobby. I know he doesn’t want to go, but things like this are part of growing up.
When I’ve pulled myself together, I wheel out my trolley, and with one last, oh-so-longing look, close the door behind me for the very last time. I will never be able to come back to this beautiful place. Ever.
Breathing deeply, I drag my trolley down the stairs, and make my way to Reception, but Danny isn’t there, so I dial Sally.
‘Sally, hi. Can you send me Danny, please? We have to go now.’
‘I sent him over. He’s waiting for you in the lounge.’
‘Oh. Right. Sorry. Take care, Sally…’
‘And you, luv,’ she says, blowing me kiss noises. ‘And thank you so much for putting in a good word and doing the paperwork for me. The spa is only a few months away now, thanks to you. I would have never hoped for it if it hadn’t been for you.’
‘It was my pleasure, Sally. You deserve it. I know you will be a success.’
‘Bless you, luv.’
‘Take care, Sally. Bye…’
In the lounge, Danny’s trolley is there. Only he’s not with it.
‘Laura?’ I call, just as she’s coming out from the back office. ‘Where’s Danny…?’
Laura blinks. ‘He said he was going up to his room to get something he forgot…’
‘But I’ve just been up there…’
An icy chill grips my heart as I eat up the stairs, two at a time, and dash down the hall to Mark’s suite. It’s empty. I run around from hall to lounge to lobby to Reception, out into the parking lot, and into the woods, the trees closing in on me as I’m trying not to panic.
But Danny is nowhere to be found.