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I knew it would be too much when he saw me. It was evident on his face that it pained him to see me. I didn't want to cause him any more pain. He'd risked his life for me twice. His brother was shot because of me, and a gun was held to Gun's head. He shouldn't have come. He should've left me there. I was sick of all the pain I continuously caused him, and all because of what? Some novel idea I had about freedom?
I had to keep going, though. If he wanted to see, I would give it all to him. I wasn't Alex. Not really. That was a made-up person he named me to feel better about what I really was.
I shook my head. Man, Sokolov really did a number on me. I felt confused. Why was I angry with Ace? It didn't matter. I had to keep going.
I dropped the bottoms to the shower floor. I didn't have any underwear on, so I was completely nude. I expected it to scare him and that he would storm away. I suppose I wanted him to. I wanted the shock of the bruises that covered my body to disgust him. But that's not what happened, not at all.
He took the two steps into the shower, fully clothed not caring one bit that the water was soaking him, and he wrapped his arms around me. "Princess, what did they do to you?"
I couldn't be sure because the water was on, but it looked like a few tears escaped from his eyes. That was it. That did it for me. Seeing the pain he had for what was done to me. That was what made me break. My legs wobbled beneath me, and I felt myself collapsing to the shower floor. He came down with me, keeping me in his arms.
"I'm so sorry, Princess. I'm so sorry this happened to you," he murmured over and over into the top of my head as he held my shaking body in his arms. I cried.
I sobbed. I wanted to shout but couldn't, which only made me angrier.
"He raped you." He said this. He didn't ask. He knew by the way my body was battered by the bruising between my legs. He knew I'd been through something horrific, and it was then only seeing the pain in his eyes that I really let myself feel how bad it was.
"I hate him. I hate this for you. I wish I would've done something different and not left you that morning." He continued talking into my hair, and I continued to cry, knowing he was wrong. If he had been there that morning, it could've been him who had been shot and not Reggie.
He moved and tilted my face up towards his. He was blurry from my tears and the water, but I knew he wanted me to see him. "There's nothing you did to deserve this. Nothing you did to warrant this. It's on those sick men. Not you, Princess. I'll kill him. I'll kill every single one of them who laid a finger on you. I swear it."
I heard all of his words, but they didn't fully penetrate; none of it really did. "It hurts," I rasped. Perhaps the warm water was making a difference on my throat after all.
"I know it does. I know." He held me, and we sat beneath the spray until the water no longer felt warm, and my skin began to chill.
***
ACE HELD ME THROUGH the night. Oksana didn't return until much later in the evening. I guessed she wanted to give us time. By the time morning hit, I was exhausted. I was emotionally and physically drained. I found myself sleeping against Ace's shoulder as we drove to the airport.
I was in a daze as we went through Customs and boarded the plane. Ace and the guys talked around me, but I was just a body in motion completely blanked out. I barely remembered the plane taking off, and as soon as we were in the air, I was asleep. We had a few layovers that consisted of me waking up and Ace helping me shuffle about.
We arrived back in Ohio sometime in the middle of the night. Knuckles was there to pick us up in a large SUV.
"Any news?" Shane asked as soon as we were all piled in again.
"No clue where the fucker is," Knuckles said.
"You've got to be kidding me. Men don't just fucking vanish," Shane bellowed. "Ace, find out from your Colombian contacts if he's there."
"On it." Ace replied, pulling out his phone and began to make phone calls. I didn't know who they were talking about, and I couldn't really speak to ask.
More calls were made, but I had stopped paying attention. Thirty minutes or so after landing, we were pulling up in front of Ace's house. The dark driveway illuminated as we pulled into the driveway.
"Charlie will want to see you when you're up to it," Gunner gave me a warm smile. "I'll want to see you too," he added, then looked to Ace, "Call me tomorrow after the doctor's appointment. I want to know what they say."
"Will do, brother," Ace replied, opening his door. I grabbed Oksana's hand, not knowing if I would see her again. They may have discussed where she was going, but I couldn't be sure. I silently thanked her, and she met my eyes. Warmth and relief spread across her features. Maybe helping rescue me somehow also rescued her? I had to hold on to that. I had to hold onto something.
"Take care, honey," Shane said, as I began to step out of the SUV. "We'll be here for anything you need. Got it?" He held my eyes, waiting for me to answer.
I nodded and waved a final goodbye. Ace held my hand as we moved to his opening garage door, but my eyes were still fixed on the fleeting SUV. It occurred to me how fragile they were all treating me. Each one of them spoke to me cautiously in their goodbyes.
Where had my mask gone? I felt a bit of panic at the realization that it was gone. I needed that mask. I didn't need people to see the pain I was in. I was never this woman that people looked upon with pity.
I followed Ace inside, but wasn't really sure of what to do with myself.
"Are you tired? Hungry? Gunner said Charlie left dinner in the fridge."
"I could lay down," I whispered.
"Does that hurt?" he pointed to my throat.
I shrugged non-committedly.
"Do you want to shower first?"
I thought about it, but I didn't want Ace to see me again that way, so I shook my head.
"All right, do you at least want to change? I can get you a T-shirt to wear."
I looked down at my clothing and shrugged again.
Ace walked into his bedroom and handed me a large T-shirt, and I noticed it was the same one I wore that first night I was here. I brought it to my nose and smelled it like I thought that scent would remind me of that first day. It smelled like it was freshly laundered, but even that was nice. It hinted of Ace. I took the shirt and went into the bathroom to change. When I came back, Ace looked to be finishing a bowl of something. I didn't think I was in there that long.
"You're cute in my shirt." he smiled, and I watched all the ways his dark eyes crinkled when he smiled.
I didn't say anything. I just stared.
His bowl clanked against the counter. He approached me slowly like I was some wounded prey. Gently, he brushed the hair away from my face. "I'm going to shower. You sure you don't want anything? There's baked ziti in there, and it's delicious."
I shook my head again.
Ace kissed the top of my forehead. "Lay down. I'll be in soon. You know you're safe here, right?" he asked, stepping back and looking into my eyes.
I didn't really believe in safety. I felt like that was some made up idea. I'd never truly been safe. Safety was perception. How safe was anyone, really? I knew it didn't matter if I was locked up tight in here or on the run; safety wasn't something I truly had.
He eventually gave up searching my eyes. I suppose he was trying to read me, to see if my eyes would give the words my voice failed to deliver. He moved to the bathroom, and I realized I was still just standing there. I went to my room, the one he first showed me and laid down with my back to the door. I don't know why I chose here instead of going to Ace's room, but for some reason, his room felt too intimate. What we were building was in there, and I wasn't sure where that was anymore. I had put so many people in danger. I needed to sort my head out.
I stared at the window, there was just a crack of the outside peeking through the curtain. I faintly heard the bathroom door open, and then a minute later, Ace was there. I didn't turn to look at him, hoping maybe he would think I was sleeping.
"Alex, don't try to shut me out. I'm in this with you."
"Alejandra," I whispered so softly, I wasn't sure if he'd heard me.
Oh, he heard me, all right.
"That's bullshit. You're Alex to me, and you know it." he said angrily. I heard him move away as his footsteps seemed to take him to his room. I was pushing him away, and I knew it; but I didn't know why.
I thought he would stay gone. A minute later, I was surprised to hear him enter the room again. He pulled back the sheets and got in beside me. His arm hooked around my waist, and he pulled me close to him.
"I already lost you to them once, I won't do it again." He kissed the back of my head and held me. I wanted to be the woman I was when I first met him. I thought of him like he was one of the heroes from a romance novel, saving the woman in distress. I thought in some bizarre way that I could be free and a changed woman with him. I had dared to hope that I could live in his world, surrounded by his beauty, but now I knew that I was wrong, and that there's a vast difference between fiction and reality. In this reality, I'd lost hope that I was worth saving.