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"Bye, Alex."
Ace stood in the doorway. There was a large black duffle bag in his hand. He was watching me, always with his eyes so fixated on me. I felt like shit after he spoke to me last night. I could see I was causing him pain, and I hated hurting him. I was going to think about Gunner's suggestion. Maybe I was crazy? If I were there, at least I couldn’t hurt him anymore..
Even now, he was leaving, and I knew there was a chance he wouldn't come back, and I couldn't say anything.
He sighed, turned, and walked out the door. It was like there was this barrier, and when I wanted to use my voice to tell him I still saw him and that I still cared about him, I just couldn't.
I sat at the window and watched as his truck backed out of the driveway. His tires made lines in the dusting of snow. He didn't look up to watch me like he usually would, and that stung. Maybe I'd pushed him away for the last time.
I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I heard the garage door open. I knew it was Charlie and Gun. I stood and tried to smile for Gun's sake. It was forced, and I heard Charlie yell, "Gun get the last two bags from the car. Sit down, no need to get up on my account. How are you today?"
I gave a small wave.
"Well, not me. I'm shit. The idea of them going back to that country scares the fuck out of me. I canceled my classes until further notice, and some of my clients were pissed."
"Who'd you piss off, Mom?" Gun asked, walking in with the bags his mom had asked him to get.
"Mouth, Gun," she gritted. "Did you get your XBOX?"
"No," he groaned, then left the room again.
"I get it that the club spent their bankroll on us, but I'd rather them be broke than going back to that place. It still gives me the shivers."
I hadn't even thought about how much money it must've cost to rescue me the first time, let alone the second. I also hadn't thought about how much danger they were all in again, because of me. I didn't say anything, but she must've seen something in my expression that I didn't mean to portray.
"I'm sure they're going to be fine. I need to stop worrying. Have you eaten?" She went to the fridge and opened it.
I shook my head, not that she could see me with her head stuck in the fridge.
"There's not much here."
Gun walked back in carrying his XBOX. "Honey, why don't you call Reggie and see if he'll make a grocery store run for us. I should've thought about that before heading over here. It's just that there wasn't much notice, and then I was up with Gunner saying goodbye for a good portion of the night."
Gun grabbed a phone from his pocket.
"I know what you're thinking. He is way too young for a phone, but sometimes Gunner gets something in his head, and there is no talking him out of it."
She poured herself a cup of coffee and then began searching for the creamer. "Ugh. There's nothing to put in this. Do you want it, Alex? Otherwise, I'm just going to pour it down the drain."
I was looking at Gun trying to set up his XBOX and struggling, so I didn't answer Charlie.
"Is that what it's like all the time for Ace?" she snapped, and it surprised me. "He asks you questions, and you can't even answer?" Great, she was already irritated with me. It was going to be a long day.
"Sorry," I whispered and got up from the couch and moved to the guest room that I now stayed in alone. I pushed him out of there until he got the hint, and finally went back to his own room.
I must have dozed off, because I blinked and heard voices coming from the kitchen, one of which was a man's.
I got up to see what was happening and was shocked to see Reggie and Gun playing XBOX in the living room. Charlie's back was to me, because she was washing dishes at the sink.
I hadn't seen Reggie since I got back. He had wanted to stop by, but I had declined. Now, here he was playing video games with Gun. He appeared to be okay. There was a patch over one eye, but other than that, everything seemed fine. The shock that he was okay felt like a punch to my gut. I don't know why but even though they told me he was okay, all I kept thinking about was him slumped over the steering wheel bleeding.
I gasped unintentionally, and got Reggie's attention. I was so not prepared for this. Reggie paused the game and put a hand on Gun's shoulder, alerting him of my presence. Gun had also changed how he behaved around me. He wasn't as carefree as he was, when I first met him.
"Alex," Reggie said, standing. "It's nice to see you."
I moved to him slowly and cupped the side of his cheek with my palm. "I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling my chin quiver. The guilt was too much.
"You didn't shoot me, so nothing for you to be sorry about." He shrugged, making light of the situation. "Besides, chicks dig scars, and I'm hoping when they transplant an eye, I'll get a blue eye so that way I have one brown and one blue. Thinking the ladies will eat that up."
Gun laughed, "That would be cool. Do you think I could get two different colored eyes?"
"Sorry, bud. Reggie gets to be unique in that way. And Reggie, you'll get what you get," Charlie teased entering the conversation.
They were all so casual about it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. If they could be light-hearted about it, why couldn't I?
I gave Reggie a weak smile and sat at one of the stools at the island between the kitchen and living room. I was trying to be present, but found it very difficult. It was like I was in darkness, and had no hope at finding even a glimmer of light. No matter how many times I tried, I was still in the dark.
"I'm making lasagna. Are you hungry?" Charlie asked, handing me a steaming cup of tea. I wasn't much of a tea drinker, but I accepted it and silently thanked her by raising my cup and giving her a slight dip of my chin.
"Alex, are you hungry?"
Whoops, I must've forgotten to answer her. The game started back up in the background, and I realized she was standing there waiting for me to say something.
"Sure," I whispered.
"It will be done in a few minutes. Do you want to get the plates out and help me serve these guys?"
I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to go back to my room and fall asleep, but I didn't. I got up and grabbed a few plates. Charlie was opening a bottle of wine.
"Would you like some?" she asked.
Did she not get that I just wanted to be left alone?
She stared at me again, hoping I would give her something. I finally gave her a slight shake of my head. We ate, and I wished I had it in me to tell her how delicious it was. Gun and Reggie were more than a little grateful, and I knew they weren't exaggerating. They joked and talked while we ate. I remembered how Gun made me laugh that first time we were all here. I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying. I was lost in my own thoughts, when Gun nudged my arm.
"Aunt Alex?"
I looked at him, but didn't say anything.
"Are you ever going to be like before? Mom was quiet when the bad man hurt her, but she got better. Are you going to get better?"
I didn't know how to answer him, but it all hurt so badly.
"Gun," Charlie admonished, "We talked about this." She gave him a stern look.
"I know Mom, but it's so weird. It's like she's a zombie."
That was another blow.
I put my hand on his shoulder and did what I could do, "I'm sorry," I croaked, then got up and walked back to my room.
I needed to think about going somewhere to get help. I couldn't go on like this. I didn't even want to.
I was lying on the bed when there was a knock on the door. I didn't acknowledge it. It wasn't that I didn't want to answer them. It was just that each time I opened my mouth to speak, I felt immeasurable pain.
"Can I come in?" Charlie asked.
I did nothing.
She sat down on the corner of the bed, sighing loudly. "He didn't mean any harm. He just wants you back. We all do. I don't know if Ace told you, but your brother thinks you need to go into a hospital. I don't know if that's the way to go. One of my clients was talking to me about a non-profit she volunteers for. It's a few hours west of here. The house is for women who were sex trafficked. I know you weren't trafficked, but everything else for you was practically the same, if not worse. The women live together and learn how to reassimilate. It's a deep therapy program that is completely secret, so is its location. It's one of the ways that helps women. No one knows where they are, and it gives them a safety net that they otherwise can't find. I'm going to leave some information on it. You don't have to do this, but I think it might help more than going to the hospital. I hope that you can see that the way you're living right now isn't working." She bent over me, and kissed me on my cheek. "Think about it."
I thought about it after she left, and I looked at her brochure. I thought about staying here and how all I would do was hurt Ace and everyone else who expected me to be better. The thought of going into a hospital felt like I would be putting myself into a prison. I read over the two-page brochure repeatedly. There were testimonials of women forced into prostitution and how they felt suicidal and how the program changed their life. It was well into the middle of the night when I decided that it was my best option if I was going to survive.
I took out a paper and pen and wrote a letter to Ace. I wanted to leave tomorrow because I feared if I stayed here any longer, I might decide to make a decision that I'd thought about too many times in my life. I would end it. I knew it down to my bones when I read the testimonials. That was where my head was at. I just hadn't admitted it, but it was going to happen and soon. So, I had to leave. The choice became so clear. I had to leave, or I'd wind up ending it. I didn't want to die; I just saw no other way.