| |
"Fuck, that hurts." Shane bellowed, and I knew exactly what he meant.
"Hold on. One more stitch and it will be closed." I was stitching up a bullet wound on Shane's shoulder. It was deep, and his skin was sliced open, but at least all he needed was stitches. I had a fragment of a bullet stuck in my leg, I was sure of it. I had tried to fish it out, but somehow the damn thing broke apart once I grabbed it. It hurt like a bitch. I couldn't do much about it now.
We were flying back to Ohio, and we were all in pretty bad shape. We were breathing, and that's what mattered.
Our mission was complicated, and shit didn't go as planned. There was no sign of Sokolov, but we ran into another Cartel who had the same idea as us. Too many bullets flew from every direction. Greedy sons of bitches, all of us.
In the end, we got out, and we got out with the money. We let them all think we were Hades Runners too, so hopefully, it would never be traced back to us. If it was, we'd have some dangerous enemies.
I pulled the needle through, and Shane hissed, then asked Gunner, "What's the total?"
"I'm at eight and a half right now."
"Hundred Grand?" Knuckles asked.
"Million," Gunner replied.
The men looked at the pile Gunner still had to count, and then a few of them erupted in cheers. We decided our take would be twenty-five percent. But that kind of money was still huge.
My mind drifted to Alex. I wondered if Charlie was able to get through to her at all. I wondered if being around Gun had helped or if it was more of the same. What would she do with all of this money? Would she disappear? The more I thought about the money, the more I feared that that might be the outcome.
If I had to worry about her leaving, then I knew she was no longer mine. And that sucked. I suppose she'd never really had been, but there was the idea of us that I thought we both wanted. I wished she would just say something. I think I have to let her go. It fucking sucks, but it is the only thing I think I can of to do for her. It feels like the more I've tried to hold on, the more I've lost her.
"How's your leg?" Shane asked, taking me from my thoughts.
"It's a walk in the park," I chuckled. It was definitely worse than that.
He nodded, "That bad, huh?"
I gave him a tight smile.
"You think Oksana can take care of it?" he asked.
"Doubtful. I'll probably need it fished out by a surgeon, but we'll see."
"How long until we land?" Gunner asked.
I looked down at my watch. "It should be about another two hours."
"What time will it be there?" Knuckles asked, "I never get that time change shit right."
"Just after nine in the morning," I replied. "I'm going to close my eyes 'til we get there." I didn't want to tell them how much my leg actually hurt. I'd been through much worse.
"I hear you, brother. I could use some rest," Shane replied, looking around the plane, hoping that the rest of the guys would get the hint and keep quiet.
My eyes grew heavy, and I thought more about Alex. What version would I have of her when I got back? Would time have helped? Should we send her to an in-patient facility somewhere? Then, my mind moved back to that shower. Water had soaked us, and I'd lost her.
Fucking lost her.
***
"CHARLIE WILL BE HERE any minute," Gunner said to Donnie, who was picking up a bunch of the men from the small airfield.
I'll call you later tonight," Donnie said, starting the SUV and rolling up his window.
Shane lit a cigarette and bounced lightly on his heels. I knew it was an attempt to stay warm. It must've dropped forty degrees since we left. It didn't matter. Knowing Ohio, it would probably be sunny and warm tomorrow.
It was quiet. The only sound was the engine of the SUV pulling away. The sky was white and we could all still see our breath from the cold, even though it was well past dawn. It would be months before it was warm enough to ride. Maybe I could get Alex to take a trip with me in a few months, and we could go to Daytona. They had a kickass bike week. Not as big as Sturgis, but it didn't matter. Sturgis wasn't until August. I wondered if she'd like that. I had to stop fantasizing about shit like that. I was kidding myself. Alex wouldn't want to ride on a bike with me. She could barely stand being in the same room as me.
Charlie pulled up, and I was surprised to see she was alone. "Want to drive?" she asked, hopping out of the truck and into Gunner's waiting arms.
He stretched out his hand for her to hand him the key.
"Where's Gun?" he asked.
"You said everything was good. So, he's at school."
He nodded, and I could see a little disappointment on his face. I knew he’d missed his son. We shuffled into Gunner's truck, and I was glad that it had a huge extended cab. Otherwise, there was no way that I would fit. Shane sat beside me, pulled out his phone, and looked irritated as he texted. It was strange because he was so even-keeled all the time; few things rattled him.
Charlie had her visor down, and she kept looking nervously at me. I knew it had to do with Alex.
"How was she?"
She let out a huge puff of air, as if she was bracing herself for what was about to happen.
"She's not okay."
I froze, fear trickled through my body. Was it a mistake leaving her? Did she do something to hurt herself? Did something happen to her?
Charlie, reading my mood, quickly added, "I mean, physically she's fine, but I had no idea she'd gotten that detached. I talked to her about the hospital idea, and then I talked with her about another program one of my client's volunteered for. It's a live-in-program that works with women who have been sex trafficked. She decided to go. We brought her there a few days ago. I'm sorry, Ace. She's gone."
Gunner breathed a sigh of relief. "She's going to get help. That's good. What do you know about this place?"
"I'll give you all of the information they gave me when we signed her in. I'm certain she's already been transferred to her house. They don't give out the locations of their support homes, because they feel that with women who have been trafficked, they need to keep it secret. They need complete anonymity. They need to learn how to cope with their trauma, and then they'll need to learn how to do basic things like cooking and looking after themselves. Each person is unique, and so the amount of time they stay in the program will be different."
With every word she spoke, I felt a small part of me closing down. She was gone. Just like that. I should've never gone to Colombia. I should've stayed and tried to help her. She couldn't wait to leave. She had no idea if we had made it out okay, but she left anyway.
***
I GRUNTED AS I MOVED through the door.
"You good, brother?"
I grunted again and nodded to Reggie that it was fine for him to leave. I was more than a little drunk. Oksana was able to fish that piece out of my leg, but in doing so, she had to cut it open further. That required a whole lot of booze and caused a whole lot of pain.
Reggie didn't leave. He led me towards the couch and helped me down.
"I'll check on you tomorrow," he said quietly as he retreated, leaving me all alone. Alone in a house, she was supposed to be in, but wasn't. The room began to spin, and my eyes grew heavy. I never got drunk, but this was one occasion where I didn't mind not having my wits about me.
I followed Jana down the hall. "This way," she said, leading us down yet another hallway. She opened a door, and we were in a room filled with Insurgents. Guns were trained on us.
"I'm sorry," she said, and she suddenly became Alex morphing before my eyes.
"No," I screamed. Knowing they would shoot her. Not Alex. No.
Blood trickled over my eye. I was hit in the head. How had I not noticed? They had a gun pointed at her head. "Forgive me, I had to do it," Alex cried, and just like that, they were pulling the trigger.
I awoke with a start. The urge to vomit roiled through my guts and I jumped off of the couch. Pain shot up my leg as I moved to the bathroom and emptied my stomach. I washed my face and stared at myself in the mirror, telling myself that it was just a dream. She's safe somewhere getting help.
Fuck. My hands shook, grasping the counter. Bad dreams were no stranger to me, but this one was more whack than usual. Typically, I'd work out, but given my leg situation, I couldn't do that. I took a few more calming breaths and painfully moved to the kitchen. I poured a glass of water and took a few ibuprofens along with a handful of vitamins. I set the glass down on the counter and noticed an envelope with my name scrawled across it. It was from her. I knew it.
I sat at the stool and carefully opened it. I was both anxious and afraid of what the words would say.
Dear Ace,
If you're reading this, then you made it back safely, which, somehow, because of who you are, I had little doubt.
I'm sure you are shocked and mad right now that I'm not there. I'm sorry. I had to leave.
I don't know why it was this last time that broke me, but it did. Every day, I've felt like I've fallen deeper and deeper into a dark hole that I can never get out of. I'd have times like this in my life before you, but I could always see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. There's no more light, Ace. It's completely dark, and I'm drowning in it. I don't want to exist. Every part of me just wants to disappear into thin air. I don't think about killing myself because that's too much effort, I just want to be gone from this world, from my body.
And I know that it's not okay, but I can't stop thinking this way.
I'm hurting you. I hurt Reggie. I hurt Gun, because I'm not who I was just a few short weeks ago. I'm hurting Gunner and Charlie too. I've never had people who cared about me, and hurting you all makes the darkness worse.
When I think about this and the promise of what we could've been, that's another loss—one I'm utterly sorry for, because I wish I wasn't broken, and I wish I could be the kind of woman who deserves a man like you. But I'm not, and I'm so incredibly sorry.
I always hoped for a fairy tale and to have my happily ever after, but my tower has long since crumbled, and I can't help but feel buried beneath the rubble.
You told me that I needed to find myself and who I wanted to be. I can't do that here. I have to go somewhere else and figure this out. I have to find some light.
What you've done for me and the bond that we shared will always mean the most to me. I don't know if I'll see you again or where this journey will take me, but I knew I owed you an explanation. I owe you so much. I owe you my life.
You are the most beauty my world has ever seen, and I hope that one day I'll feel like I can be the kind of woman you deserve, but I just don't know.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and understand why I need to do this.
Goodbye,
Alex
I don't know how long I sat there or how many times I read the letter. I wanted to be angry at her for leaving, but I couldn't. How could I blame her for wanting to get better? It just fucking sucked, because I knew we never had a real chance to become something. I knew deep in my bones that I wasn't sure if I could ever let anyone in again. There would be a hole in my life without her in it. It seemed absurd, because the reality was, she wasn't in it for that long. Still, I'd forever miss her. And I prayed that wherever she was, she would find happiness.