In Roman mythology, Janus was a king of Latium (a region of central Italy), who had his palace on the Janiculum, a hill on the western bank of the River Tiber. He was proudly venerated as a uniquely Roman god, not one adopted from the Greek pantheon. The Romans pictured him as having two faces, one looking forward, the other looking back, so that he could see in both directions simultaneously. All gods of antiquity had a specific purpose, and Janus was the god of a threshold or gate (the name Janus is etymologically related to ianua, the Latin word for door). Janus himself was the ianitor, or doorkeeper, of the heavens. He oversaw all forms of transition: beginnings and endings, entrances, exits, and passageways. He held a staff in his right hand, to guide travelers along the correct route, and a key in his left hand to open gates. His job was to keep evil spirits out of homes, buildings, shrines, schools, courtyards, and wherever there was a doorway or gate. Romans took a minute each day to pray to Janus and thank him for keeping their homes safe from evil.
Janus is also associated with the transition between peace and war. Numa , the legendary second king of Rome, famed for his religious piety, is said to have founded a shrine to Janus Geminus (“two-fold”) in the Roman Forum, close to the Senate House. This temple was known for its large, ornate doors, the Gates of Janus. King Numa intended the shrine to be a signifier of peace and war. The doors would be open when Rome was at war and closed whenever it was at peace. For a leader, it was a significant achievement to be able to say that he had closed the gates. Under King Numa, the Gates of Janus are said to have stayed closed for 43 years. But they rarely remained so thereafter.
The ability to deal with transitions, and arrive at some form of conflict resolution, is an essential leadership characteristic. It is also essential for people in the helping profession. The ability to create peace of mind for their clients and help them through transitions is high on their agenda. Like Janus, they try to protect their clients from evil, whatever form it might take.
But as Freud pointed out, helping people through transitions—getting them to change—is never easy. You may need some Janus-like qualities, as change can be a very confusing process. Homo Sapiens is a messy, dynamic, imperfect creature with very rough edges, so if you decide to embark on change, there will be many days when it looks like you are stuck. There will be many times when you will feel low and wonder why you are doing what you are doing. To enable change, you may have to look both backward and forward.
There are many reasons why you might want to change. For example, there may be friction in your relationships with the people close to you. You may have trouble at work. Your children may not be growing up the way you would like them to. You might have conflicts with your partner. You may have unexplained physical problems. Any of these problems will affect your mental state. They make you feel worthless; they make you apathetic. You may end up telling yourself that life is hopeless, that you feel helpless, that you might as well give up. Alternatively, you might say to yourself, I cannot continue living this way. I should do something about it. I need to take control of my life. I need to close the Janus gate.
If you are serious about personal change, the choice is up to you to do something about it. But the armor that fits your personality is not easily penetrable; your character has been formed over many years. Although you may have been quite malleable as a child, by the time you reach adulthood you are pretty well set in your ways. As a grownup, your brain will be more hardwired. You have developed more patterned ways of doing things; you have acquired very specific and habitual methods of dealing with the stresses and strains of your daily life. But although you aren’t as malleable as you used to be, this doesn’t mean you can no longer change. The mere fact of staying alive means you will be changing constantly, without your realizing it.
Incremental or Quantum Change?
Of course, there will always be exceptions to this observation. Change can sometimes take a much more dramatic form. I usually differentiate between two forms of change: incremental and quantum-like. Most changes are incremental and linear, but although they may be small, and take place over time, they can add up to very big changes—as you may have discovered yourself. What might appear to the outside world as dramatic change could be the result of an extended series of small adjustments.
Although incrementalism may be your default mode, I have also seen how change can happen in a much more discontinuous and nonlinear fashion. This kind of change should not be dismissed as wishful thinking or a passing delusion. Some of us have been in situations where we were the subject of quantum-like change, when we experienced a sudden personal metamorphosis. In these instances, a dramatic transformation can occur within a relatively short time span, characterized by a deep shift in values, feelings, attitudes, and actions. Some clients have described this process to me in terms of “a bolt from the blue” or “seeing the light.” But most often, such a dramatic transformation occurs when a traumatic event or major life challenge has shaken someone’s worldview. I have noticed that some kind of turbulence precedes such a change, a rupture in the knowing context or a misalliance of ordinary patterns of perception. Consciously and unconsciously, it impels whoever is subjected to such a change to look for alternative ways to carry on living.
Being Twice-Born
In my experience, this kind of sudden transformation—these quantum changes—happen to individuals who have had life-threatening experiences—people who have become (to quote the famous psychologist William James) “twice-born.”1 Actually, James went one step further in describing this phenomenon. He noticed some overlap between mystical, religious experiences, and these quantum-like changes. Most often, however, religion excluded, people who are “twice-born” experience a strong sense of renewal after a tragic event, such as death, illness, an accident, or another out-of-the-ordinary experience. I have seen how certain challenges and tragedies—and the need to make sense of them—become instrumental in stimulating some people to reach out for a more meaningful life. In light of their personal experiences, they acquire a greater awareness of the fragility of life, the tragic transience of our existence. Whatever setbacks they have had, they come to realize that their time in this world is limited. There is only so much that they can accomplish. The illusion of unlimited power and progress to which they subscribed when they were younger is shattered. This comforting illusion evaporates, however, following a traumatic or life-threatening experience. Nothing confronts us more potently with the finiteness of our existence than the imminence of our own death.
This recognition compels people to stop wasting time. They are left with a greater sense of urgency. They determine to make the most of the time that’s left. Given the feeling that time is running out, they are willing to take more risks and step into the unknown. They are ready to change the parts of their life that they no longer find fulfilling. This sense of finiteness may also explain why they are so driven to create meaning in whatever they are doing.
One of my clients, Alain, provides an example of the experience of quantum-like change. Alain was a senior vice president of a large industrial company. At a dinner in a restaurant in an African country he experienced the destruction brought about by a suicide bomber. After this young man detonated his suicide vest, most people in the restaurant died. Alain was “lucky,” if that’s the appropriate word to use, and survived, but not without many, many months of reparative surgery. After the incident, Alain explained to me, his outlook on life had become quite different. When he was back on his feet and was invited to return to his old position in the company, he refused. He had decided to leave his job. He wanted to devote his life to working with radicalized youth. He told me that he felt that he had been given a second chance in life—and wanted to use it in what was, for him, the most meaningful manner.
From what I know of people who have had such an experience, they suddenly realize the untapped potential at their disposal. Like Alain, this may lead to a shift in values or goals, but it can also mean freedom from unhealthy behaviors, changes that lead to greater inner peace. Alain had a much more upbeat outlook on life after his terrifying experience. He no longer whined about things that had happened in the past. He welcomed the chance to take on new assignments, whereas he would previously have been reluctant to do so. He cherished what the present offered him. He told me, “Why complain about things that I can’t or am not willing to change?” Carpe diem—seize the day—became a major leitmotiv of Alain’s life. It was as if he had discovered a new, meaningful reality, as if an important truth had been revealed to him. As an aside, Alain said that although making big life changes was scary, what he found even scarier was the possibility of not doing something and regretting it later.
I have my own perspective on this. More than a decade ago, I was in the mountains of Kamchatka in Siberia, visiting what’s probably one of the wildest places on Earth, and looking for the giant brown bears that live in the region. My snowmobile driver suddenly shouted at me to hurry up and jump on the back seat of his vehicle. He had seen one of these bears climb onto the next ridge and was thoroughly overexcited. He wanted to have a closer look, so we went full throttle after the bear. With his attention fixed on our target, my driver failed to notice a deep crevice in the snow. After the crash, he didn’t have a scratch on him but for me the accident turned out to be a life transforming experience. When I regained consciousness—I must have been out for only a short time—the first thing I heard was him telling me, “No problem, antibiotics.” But antibiotics were not going to be the answer to what turned out to be a broken spine. Descending the icy slopes on a sledge without the help of painkillers was one of the most grueling experiences of my life. Returning to Paris from the other side of the world was another excruciating affair. Then having to lie immobile in bed for many, many months due to a series of spine operations was yet another endurance test. During that period, like Alain, I was repeatedly told that I had been “lucky,” as I was only a few millimeters away from being paralyzed for life. Perhaps the “lucky” part was that this experience gave me a greater appreciation of the preciousness of life—the need to live it to the fullest. It also taught me—lying flat and miserable in a hospital bed—something about the kindness of strangers. It made me aware of how powerful small gestures can be. Ever since, I have actively practiced similar small gestures. To put a positive spin on a horrifying accident, I believe my experience has added to my effectiveness as a helping professional. There is some truth in the saying that changed people change people.
As I said earlier, and despite my personal experience of it, quantum change is rare. Most of us, despite our conscious good intentions, find our unconscious takes a very different look at the dynamics of change. These unconscious resistances explain why we are often so reluctant to undertake a change effort. While we say that we want to change, our unconscious says something very different. Far too often, our fear of the unknown makes us cling to status quo behaviors that might have been highly effective in the past but that have become dysfunctional in the present. We seem to be blocked by hidden forces. In resisting change, we focus more on what we have to give up, instead of what we could gain. Strangely, we might have become too attached to our neuroses. Hardwired as we are to specific patterns of behavior, we are very good at finding excuses for not doing what seems to be in our best interest. This explains both our immunity to change and why the process of change takes a lot of courage.2
Only You Can Change Your Life
Whether we like it or not, life is about change. Sometimes we know a change will happen; sometimes change comes suddenly and unexpectedly. All of us will experience transitions in work and relationships, changes in our physical and mental health, and new events in our local communities and the wider world. Some changes are inevitable, the result of physical aging, and part of the natural cycle or order of things. Other changes are more or less under our control, the result of encounters with significant others—family, friends, colleagues, and other intimates. Still other changes—like Alain’s experience or my Kamchatkan date with destiny—are the result of accidents. But whatever the situation, it is much wiser to change before we need to.
As I emphasize throughout this book, the process of changing from what you are to what you would like to become can be arduous, but it can also be very rewarding. And while you cannot change your destination instantly, you can do a lot to change the direction you take. What this process of change is going to look like will very much depend on your outlook. One thing is sure, however, spending time and energy on finding excuses for not changing is not the answer, as change is going to catch up with you. And as a matter of fact, fighting the old may become a self-defeating strategy; it’s much more constructive to build on the new and decipher the hidden forces that hold you back. In short, the most effective way of dealing with change is to embrace it. Hasn’t it been said, if you never change your mind, why bother to have one?
Human nature being what it is, there are times when I wish my work was not so complicated. It is hard work to help people out of their comfort zones. It is difficult to help people who are stuck in vicious circles. It is hard to have to tell people that if they are beating a dead horse, it is high time to dismount. We should remember that we are likely to repeat what we don’t repair. On the positive side, however, although bad things happen to everyone—while we cannot change the past—we don’t have to perpetuate it. Thus, although it may be difficult to forget the past, we can build on it to create a new future. I sometimes remind my clients of the old Texan saying, “If all you ever do is all you’ve ever done, then all you’ll ever get is all you ever got.”
If you were my client, I would tell you that the key to creating a new future is that you have to face what has happened to you, accept that certain things can’t be changed, and then move on. Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can control. Also, don’t be driven by fear—be driven by hope. In many cases, once you’re able to move on and close old doors behind you, new doors may open, and better opportunities come your way. We often find our greatest strengths in our darkest moments.
Where Do You Want to Go?
If you want to change parts of your life, it is important that you clarify what you really want. What do you want to accomplish? This might sound obvious, but there is not much hope you will get what you want unless you have a better idea what that is. It’s important to have clarity about your goals—so, why don’t you close your eyes and imagine the best possible version of you. Visualize the life you would like to have. And if that’s what you really want to be, let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it. Try to hear beyond those negative voices.
I have learned from experience that most people don’t take the time out to actually do this kind of thing. They never visualize the kind of life they want for themselves. Given their brain structure, it is something they can do. And, even if they are dissatisfied with their present situation, they never ask themselves why they don’t try to work toward a new kind of life. But if only they would clarify what they really want, they could work toward whatever that is with a greater sense of purpose. This is why having clarity about your goals is so important. There is something to be said for living less out of habit and more for intent.
Endings or Beginnings?
You may want to figure out where you are on your life’s journey. Are you at the beginning, the middle, or the end? And perhaps the end is not really the end. More confusingly, what you see as a beginning could also be an end. What’s more, a bad beginning doesn’t necessarily keep you from having a good ending. Thus, while you can’t go back and change the beginning, you can start where you are and change the ending. But one thing is sure, you will never get a new ending if you keep starting with the same tired beginning. Just because the past may not have turned out the way you wanted, doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you’ve ever imagined.
While you are on the journey that’s your life, remember that the path is not always going to be smooth or even clearly marked. Sometimes there will be strange detours. But, while taking these off-piste excursions, try to enjoy the journey. Also, it’s good to stop every now and then and appreciate the view from right where you are. And realize that it is okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to not be good at everything. What will show your true mettle, however, is your ability to get up after a fall. Don’t let what you can’t do interfere with what you can do. And don’t measure your progress by someone else’s ruler. Own your own life.