Recently, Patricia, the CFO of a large industrial enterprise, asked to meet me. I decided to see her for lunch, when she took the opportunity to complain non-stop about her CEO. She explained that while he had held regular meetings with his top team at the start of his tenure, these meetings were now rare. According to Patricia, her boss now spent most of his time brooding in his office. Organizational morale was affected by his erratic behavior during meetings. He frequently lost focus, had bouts of anger, and would harass some of the people present. Not surprisingly, the CEO’s mercurial way of dealing with his people didn’t augur well for the future of the company. And the figures spoke for themselves. Sales had been dropping sharply. Given the company’s dismal financial picture, some subordinates even wondered whether their CEO was falling apart in front of their eyes. Patricia wanted to know from me if there was anything she could do about it.
It’s a cliché that it’s lonely at the top, but for many top executives it’s all too true. Being in a leadership position can be quite isolating. A CEO’s responsibility comes with unique challenges: sleepless nights, tight deadlines, and constant worries about having made the right decisions. Often, C-suite executives are under a lot of pressure—the kind of emotional strain that most employees never experience. This sense of isolation can create an aura of aloofness and distance, which, in turn, makes it even harder to be effective within the organization.
I have observed over and over again that the incessant stress of years of working too hard makes CEO burnout a real threat, especially if there are no support systems to contain the pressure. Often, there is nobody with whom CEOs can share their concerns. Men in particular (in traditional cultural contexts they are more likely to take their family and friends for granted) will let relationships take a back seat to their professional ambitions. If they continue to neglect these relationships, however, they may find themselves with nobody to rely on when times are tough. And tragically, in trying to cope with their loneliness, they may resort to patch-up solutions, such as having affairs, or turn to alcohol and drugs.
Despite the fact that the loneliness of command is such a serious problem, it’s an issue that is rarely addressed upfront. Instead of giving it due attention, I have seen many C-suite executives make a heroic effort to keep up the façade of being a superman or superwoman. Of course, there will always be some decisions that need to be taken alone. But how lonely can you be? What is so bad about having confidants? However, too many C-suite executives go to great lengths to maintain an exterior of unflappable confidence, desperately concealing any signs of insecurity or anxiety. And maybe it is the thing to do. Perhaps, they are forced to act in this manner. Who wants a waffling CEO to run the business? Isn’t confidence needed to inspire confidence in others? Weren’t ancient kings often killed when they showed any signs of weakness?
What these executives don’t seem to realize is that this kind of charade puts an extraordinary amount of pressure on them. Needing to be strong all the time can be very exhausting. Sadly enough, many C-suite executives don’t recognize the high price they pay for their pursuit of success and power. This façade of being in control—the Lone Ranger approach to leadership—will eventually have a negative effect on individual, team, and organizational performance, as illustrated by the dramatic drop in the average tenure of CEOs.1
Concepts taken from the clinical paradigm can help us understand the psychodynamics at play with respect to top executives. To start with, people in these positions should realize that when they become number one, a power distance is created, making it much harder to speak to anyone with vulnerability and true honesty. What was once a complex network of interrelationships—offering many possibilities to unburden challenges and frustrations—changes dramatically when an executive reaches a top position. The leader starts bearing the weight of responsibility for others, often having to make many decisions alone.
Not only do newly promoted executives experience a sense of unease at being in the number one position, their former colleagues undergo their own sense of unease in dealing with their new boss. Whatever well-meant efforts CEOs try to make to reduce this power distance, their subordinates will always be cognizant of the power their boss holds—that he or she can make decisions that might dramatically affect their careers, typically promotions and salary increases. Given the discomfort experienced by both parties, distancing becomes a rational response to an unnerving situation. In these circumstances, I have observed how many CEOs become engaged in a delicate dance: they have to be close enough to relate to their subordinates but far enough away to motivate them. Getting too close might lead to accusations of favoritism. On the other hand, if they are too distant, they might be judged as cold and aloof. Whatever they do, they are to some extent damned.
Given the complex psychological forces at play, CEOs would be wise to pay attention to a number of things when assuming a top management position.
Being the Target of Hostile, Envious Feelings
One of the things that contributes to the loneliness of command is the way these executives handle “containment”—how they absorb a host of negative feelings that others transfer to them. Envy is common. Clearly, C-suite executives have many privileges that others long to possess. Envy is deeply ingrained in the human psyche; in fact, envy has played an important part in our evolution as a species. It sets the foundation for our competitive edge; it motivates us to strive to attain what someone else possesses, or even to surpass it.
Given its omnipresence, people at the top had better pay attention to how envy influences the way subordinates relate to authority figures. They should accept that superior-subordinate comparisons make some people feel insecure. Feelings of insecurity vis-à-vis the person in charge not only creates envious competitiveness but can also give rise to the wish to put the other person down. This destructive interpersonal dynamic is one of the reasons why people in higher leadership positions are often resented, and why they are prone to be the target of hostility and unrealistic judgments.
Being the target of envious, hostile feelings puts a lot of pressure on whoever is at the top. I have encountered several C-suite executives who try to downplay their capabilities as a way of managing these feelings, to the point of becoming paralyzed and incapable of making decisions. They may have been effective as a number two but being at the top is too much to handle. They have an unconscious fear that standing out from others has put them at the risk of rejection, criticism, and even ostracism. The difficulty they have in containing these subliminal pressures contributes to their sense of isolation.
Living in an Echo Chamber
Another phenomenon that leaders at the top face is the danger that they become shielded from organizational information. I have been privy to many situations where CEOs are given limited and filtered information about their operations, employees, and customers. Unfortunately, this kind of filtering is an insidious process that’s difficult to detect. It arises from subordinates’ ambivalent feelings about power and authority. I have cautioned many C-suite executives that they should realize that the people who report to them will tend to agree with them even when they are completely off the mark. In many instances, they will do anything to please. And I have also seen that, in spite of heroic attempts by many CEOs to make themselves approachable, to relate to their subordinates, and to ask for honest feedback, many of their reports remain very uncomfortable and apprehensive about doing so. They do not really feel safe; they fear saying the wrong thing; and they are afraid of the potential consequences and retribution that might follow.
Sadly, C-suite executives need to realize that their subordinates are likely to tell them what they want to hear. It has become a truism that the moment you are a top executive, there is a good chance you will be surrounded by liars. The result of being in this kind of echo chamber is that many top executives find themselves increasingly isolated from reality, with nobody to test their perceptions. Without frank feedback, they will not know how well they are doing.
Paranoid Thinking
When the person in charge can’t be sure what is the truth and who can be trusted, paranoia understandably makes an easy entrance, with some justification—CEOs face many genuine threats, both obvious and hidden. In any organization, there are always going to be people who feel stepped upon and dream of (or try to enact) retaliation. There will always people who envy the power of the person in charge and plot to get it for themselves.
Like it or not, if you have a top position in an organization, you have to make hard, unpopular decisions. At times, you have to say no to people you like. You will rub people up the wrong way. I have said repeatedly, if you really want to be loved, sell ice cream—but as a leader, there will be times and situations when you have no choice but to play dentist and inflict pain. Thus, for many C-suite executives, feelings of persecution are a rational response to a world populated by both real and imagined enemies. Vigilance in the presence of perceived or likely danger is simply an extension of the drive to survive. But there is an ever-present danger that healthy suspicion (moderated by a sense of reality) could turn into fully-fledged paranoia.
What to Do?
With all these pressures on C-suite executives, what can be done to mitigate the loneliness at the top? What can be done to prevent a leader’s derailment? And how can we help top executives to contain the “garbage” that comes their way?
To start with, C-suite executives need to realize that playing the Lone Ranger can be detrimental to their health. As a top executive, being the general “garbage can,” or emotional “container” for everything and everyone, can be very stressful. They may not be physically alone, but mentally there is nobody in sight. In reality, however much organization members might wish it, no CEO is a superman or superwoman. All of them need someone to talk to and to unburden the stress associated with their position. All of them need people who can provide some kind of “holding environment” to experience empathy and advice.
Some top executives are fortunate in having a significant other who can take on the role of confidant. But far too many CEOs are reluctant to confide to people close to them for fear of burning out a relationship with persistent talk about work, or because their loved ones simply don’t have the experience to relate to their challenges. Other C-suite executives may conclude that their significant others are too self-involved or have enough on their plate dealing with their own problems.
- 1.
Many prospective CEOs need greater preparation before taking on the top executive position. I have seen far too many executives who are unprepared for the loneliness that comes with the job. They don’t realize the intensive psychological labor that goes with the new position. Knowing that they are accountable to all stakeholders—investors, financial advisers, the public, the press, politicians, and regulators—is a very daunting proposition. They need on-boarding preparations before stepping into post. Asking for advice from people who have been in the same situation is an obvious and sensible first step.
- 2.
To avoid becoming insular, I strongly recommend that C-suite executives should go out of their way to solicit different points of view. This is essential, for both strategic but also for emotional reasons. If you have taken on this position, consciously and mindfully, you need to build a support system of trusted advisors and peers. Otherwise, you risk finding yourself in an echo chamber, hearing only what people think you want to hear.
There are various ways to break the loneliness of command. For example, one of the reasons for the success of the CEO seminar that I run every year at INSEAD (see Chap. 1) is that it is a great opportunity for many leaders to deal with the loneliness of command. Realizing that they are not alone helps create an extremely powerful social support network. During the time they spend together, they establish deep relationships with a cohort of people outside their chain of command with whom they can share their concerns. And they continue to use each other as an enduring support network. Organizations like the Young Presidents’ Organization (YPO ) also offer the opportunity to take advantage of mutual support networks.
Another way to create a support network is to find a consultant or executive coach who will provide a safe space to discuss a leader’s challenges in order to reduce stress levels and maintain mental health. Of course, the key question is whether the leader is ready for this kind of help.
A considerable amount of my work as an executive coach or therapist (apart from giving occasional advice on strategic and human capital decisions) seems to amount to an executive lonely-hearts service—my clients are looking for someone who can be a good sounding board. In my case, the advantage of being outside the system is that it allows me to give frank feedback—helping my clients to get out of their echo chamber. I can also play the fool, in the sense of the wise fool who speaks truth to power—think of the Fool in Shakespeare’s King Lear . I have often played this role to prompt clients to take a close look in the mirror. At times, I have to make it clear to the executives I deal with that on occasions the worst place they can be is in their own head. This is a real risk for those who keep too many things to themselves, finding it difficult to talk to people who will understand their predicaments.
I have also developed a number of 360-degree leadership assessment instruments that provide C-suite executives with the opportunity to receive feedback about the leadership challenges they face.2 Discussing the findings from these questionnaires with other executives is another way of counteracting isolation. It makes difficult issues more discussable, as well as being an antidote to the loneliness of command.
Making friends outside the organization, people with whom you can engage in non-work activities, is a no-brainer when it comes to preventing social isolation. If life consists is all work and no play, executives are at risk of losing their sense of balance. Too much of a work ethic can make you a bore and invites burnout.
1. A very generative way of slowing down the process of isolation is to express gratitude to the people with whom you are interact, quite simply, thanking them for work well done. Expressing gratitude for work that really made a difference can be an extremely powerful tool for increased well-being in all sorts of settings. Recognition—feeling valued—has an enormous impact on people’s life because it engages their brain in a virtuous cycle. It helps release the oxytocin that fosters prosocial behaviors such as trust, generosity, and affection. Used authentically, expressing gratitude can be a transformative organizational practice. Generous leaders develop the gift of making all their people feel a part of that connection and create a sense of belonging. By acknowledging and celebrating how every role contributes to a company’s purpose, they can help prevent their subordinates feeling left out or on the edge. Making this a general practice will create a culture where it is more likely that employees will have a “healthy disrespect” for their leaders, and have the courage to disagree, when appropriate—the antidote to living in an echo chamber.
It has been said that we are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. But should we make this our credo? Is that what life is all about? All of us may have experienced how being alone can be very stressful, making loneliness not only our biggest fear, but also our ultimate deprivation. Very few people can handle being alone. If you have the feeling of being alone, however, you should it as a flashing sign that something needs to change. After all, one of our major existential needs is human connectedness. C-suite executives, in particular, had better pay heed to this warning sign and wise up to the knowledge that the antidote to loneliness is community.