As a helping professional, I often have to deal with the topic of regret. I recognize there will always be situations where we will not get closure but nevertheless, it is better to move on. It is better to look forward with hope than to look back with regret. For some people, however, their only regrets are the opportunities they didn’t take. What should we regret, the things we have done or the things we haven’t done? My hope is that people don’t regret the past but learn from it. But can you regret the life you didn’t lead? Some people will regret the endings, but they very much enjoyed the journey. Why have regrets if what you were doing at the time was exactly what you wanted to do?
One of the best-known songs of Edith Piaf, the famous French singer, songwriter, and cabaret performer was “Non, je ne regrette rien” (“No regrets”). She did not write the song herself, but she recognized instantly it was played to her that it would be her greatest hit. It is tempting to wonder whether the song’s success was boosted by the public wish that it might be true of the singer—and whether Piaf herself shared its message. After all, she had had a difficult and unhappy childhood and adolescence and many challenges and tragedies in her later life and career. Did this song evoke some kind of resolution, embracing all the things that had happened to her, recognizing that they made her who she was? Is that why it appealed to her so much? We will never be certain whether Piaf’s promotion of this song and its sentiments was life-affirming or delusional. Her last words were, allegedly, “Every damn fool thing you do in this life, you pay for.”
Many of my clients raise the issue of regret. Clearly, dealing with regret is a universal human experience. Many of us remember situations we found ourselves in and ask ourselves “What was I thinking?” or play with alternative scenarios (“I should have done so-and-so”). Many of us experience disappointment and sorrow about what might have been and make wrong or foolish choices that we regret later. Regret not only reminds us that we made some unfortunate decisions, it also tells us that we could have done so much better. However, our major regrets are usually about not having done something.
I have learned from my clients that our greatest regrets seem to revolve around pivotal life choices, such as education, career, romance (including regrets about affairs), marriage, parenting, and work. This is not surprising: decisions in these areas tend to have long-term and sometimes irrevocable consequences. Other regrets that I often hear while listening to my clients relate to finance, health, friendship, charity, loneliness, travel, worry (too much), and even about having led too conventional a life.
However, quite a few people, when asked about their regrets, have a kind of knee-jerk reaction and insist they don’t have any. More than that, they resist the discomfort of reflecting on their past life, actions, and decisions. At times, I wonder whether their avoidance of regret arises from an existential fear of confronting their darker side. At the same time, it may be a telling indication of their current state of mind.
I think what makes it so difficult to talk about regret is that it often brings up negative experiences and emotions, such as sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, grief, annoyance, anger, and/or guilt. For some people, past actions or behaviors subconsciously affect the quality of their life and reflecting on them is a rude awakening. What’s more, when reflecting on regret, we may realize that we’ve hurt ourselves and others—damaging our careers, relationships, and reputations, thus limiting our options.
Unfortunately, I have found that when you subject yourself to repetitive, negative, self-focused ruminative thinking about regret, it becomes maladaptive, contributing to self-blame and even depressive reactions. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Strong feelings of regret can have a serious emotional, cognitive, and even neurophysiological impact. Being tormented by regret will stymie your personal growth and development and may even cause mental health problems.
How intensely you experience regret depends very much on your narcissistic equilibrium. I have observed that if you have self-esteem issues, you tend to be more susceptible to regret, which can further impede your sense of self-worth. And although your willingness to face regret may be commendable, how you work it through is another matter altogether. Too much rumination could even make you risk-averse, fearful of making yet another bad decision. Being stuck between regret for the past and fear of the future is not a very good position to be in.
Not only do I think that there is a connection between someone’s self-esteem and regret, I also believe that aging affects how you deal with regretful feelings. I know from personal experience that when you grow older and realize that your time is running out, you are more likely to reflect upon the past, review your life, and try to sort out the mistakes you have made during your life’s journey. This is a time in your life when you will be more open to making a realistic assessment of the things you have done, realizing that the opportunities for making changes are rapidly evaporating. It makes you more aware that the lessons you have learned from life may be used to prevent future regrets: most of us strive for a life well lived.
For some of us, these life reviews bring resignation vis-à-vis our limitations, which will temper feelings of regret. Others will mourn their losses, try to deal with unfulfilled dreams and ambitions, and reconcile themselves with what cannot be changed, regretting wrong choices. The acceptance of the expected vicissitudes of life will rescue their present and future from the wasteland of unbearable remorse and generate a new intensity for life. However, there will be some for whom wallowing in regret will lead to a depressive crisis of despair and feelings of bitterness.
The Power of Retrospection
Having said this, I should add that, from an evolutionary point of view, regret might also have a survival function. From this perspective, the experience of regret can be considered as a psychological construct related to decision-making, coping, and learning. Regret forces you to engage in a retrospective analysis in order to understand the reason why you thought or acted in the way you did. This kind of review might help you to identify specific patterns or behaviors that have made you who you are, and that continue to influence you unconsciously—behaviors that keep you from stepping out of your comfort zone or leading a better life. By analyzing regrets, and getting past the past, you might be able to understand why you do the things you do, discover dysfunctional behavior patterns, and take remedial action. Regret can become a positive impetus for repairing, rebuilding, and finding new constructive resolutions and moving forward in life. Thus, in more than one way, dealing with regret could be your brain’s way of telling you to take another look at your choices; to signal that some of your actions had very negative consequences; and to try to do things differently in the future.
Unfortunately, from what I can see, despite the importance of regret as a guiding mechanism, most of us pay insufficient attention to it. Generally, we make an effort to manage our level of stress, we try to articulate our career goals, we control our diet, we deal with our finances, and try to manage pretty much everything else, but we are reluctant to manage our regrets. However, if we can do it, managing regrets will help each of us to make sense of our world, provide us with greater insight about ourselves, help us avoid future dysfunctional scenarios, and improve our decision-making skills.
We would do well to keep in mind that, in dealing with regrets, the challenge is not to try to change the past but to shed light on the present. You cannot change what has happened to you, but you can change how you react and how you are going to live in the future. Self-assessment and healthy introspection could help you to analyze your own shortcomings and prevent you from repetitive dysfunctional behavior. Learning from your mistakes, you will be able to incorporate these learning experiences into your subsequent decisions and actions. You will be less likely to get stuck in “if only” thinking. Having the freedom to choose and wondering whether you have made the right choices will always be an existential dilemma.
However, paying attention to your regrets will help you to consider alternative future opportunities more clearly. It will help you take advantage of opportunities that would otherwise have slipped by. You might even engage in forms of reparative action, like making amends to people whom you have hurt. It will also make it easier for you to come to terms with the realization that some instances or events were completely out of your control.
My message is that instead of avoiding regrets, it’s much wiser to deal with these feelings up front. Edith Piaf’s famous song suggests regretting nothing; to forget about the past. Of course, you shouldn’t let past regrets set the tone for the rest of your life, but you would be wise to use your regrets constructively, not just sweep them away. You need to find ways to forgive yourself for what you have done and, if possible, make amends and determine to do things differently next time. When all is said and done, it’s best not to live life regretting yesterday but to live your life so that you don’t regret how you live it today. In the words of another famous singer: “Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.”