When I asked Robert how he was doing, his immediate response was that he was upset. He didn’t know what to think about his current situation. He was still trying to get a grip on his disappointment. How could this have happened to him? How could he have misjudged the situation so badly? He felt angry, sad, and betrayed. Mostly, he was deeply disappointed in the people who had let him down.
From what I understood, disappointing experiences were not new to Robert. Over the years, there had been a number of occasions when he felt let down. One had been a skunk work he had initiated a number of years ago. From a very small beginning, this innovative high-tech project had become an extremely profitable venture. His successor, however, managed to turn gold into lead. She had been incapable of transitioning the project to the next phase. The most capable people in the team left soon after her arrival, and the project started to flounder. Their common complaint was that she was too abrasive.
Now the same thing was happening again, with his current project. How was it possible that he found himself in such a predicament once more? He had put everything he had into making this new project a success, and now he was watching it fall apart.
Robert told me that because he was coming up to retirement, he had carefully groomed a successor to continue the venture. The company’s main decision-makers had assured him that they agreed with his choice. But when push came to shove, they vetoed his candidate. Instead, they appointed someone else to take the lead, in spite of his telling them that this person didn’t have what it would take to bring the project to successful completion. It was at this point that Robert realized how much he had underestimated office politics. But whatever reasons he could give for this unexpected decision, he had only himself to blame. He had been too naïve. His expectations of people had always been far too high. Unfortunately, this incident left him with a sense of futility about what to do next. He felt totally bewildered, demotivated, unable to concentrate at work, and, although he was reluctant to admit it, depressed.
Many people succeed in working through their disappointments. Somehow, they have the strength to take stock of what has happened to them, learn from the incident, and move on. They emerge from such disappointments stronger. As a matter of fact, dealing constructively with disappointment can be a self-curative process that contributes to personal growth and greater resilience. These people show their real worth after having overcome the disappointments that are inevitable in life.
Winston Churchill provides an example of such developmental progression. Churchill was a political leader who managed to transcend the various disappointments that came his way. After the disastrous military campaign at Gallipoli during World War I, which Churchill directed, it must have been extremely difficult for this very ambitious man to have to resign from his position as First Lord of the Admiralty and put his career on hold. However, this setback may have made Churchill much more resilient. After the calamity of Gallipoli and his subsequent humiliation, Churchill refocused his attention and energy on himself. He took time to explore what had happened to him and what it had taught him. His soul-searching provided him with new information about himself, the world, and others, and became a lesson on how to deal with future challenges. As a result, during World War II, Churchill emerged as a transformational leader, a person who really made a difference. To Churchill, working through disappointment seems to have been a catalytic event. To the best of my understanding, strengthened by a process of self-examination, he turned his negative experiences into positive ones, determined to continue playing an important role on the world stage. A glimmer of how he was able to reinvent himself shines through the speech he made on October 29, 1941 at Harrow, his old school: “Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense.” This remarkably short speech must have been the result of deeply felt personal experiences.
Managing Expectations
Disappointment is the feeling caused by the non-fulfillment of our hopes or expectations. All of us, at one time or another, have experienced disappointment. We should see it as part of our journey through life. You may have been passed over for a promotion; you may not have gotten the job offer you really wanted (thinking of my disappointing experience at the Harvard Business School); a superior, a coworker, or a subordinate might have let you down; or you may even have had a romantic disappointment. Some of these disappointments will not make much difference to your life, but there are others that can change its course.
William Shakespeare wrote that “Oft expectation fails, and most oft there/Where most it promises.” He recognized that we experience disappointment when our thoughts and expectations are out of line with reality. Disappointment comes with a sense of finality. It forces you to admit that you did not get what you wished for; that reality is very different from what you expected. What makes disappointment such a complex and confusing feeling is that many of our desires are unconscious, sublimated, and frequently contradictory.
Paradoxically, you may also be disappointed when you get what you want. For example, in his 1916 essay “Some Character-Types Met within Psycho-Analytic Work,”1 Sigmund’s Freud explored the paradox of people who are “wrecked by success,” who become depressed not as a result of failure but due to success. Freud observed that “people occasionally fall ill precisely when a deeply-rooted and long-cherished wish has come to fulfillment.” He concluded that the “forces of conscience”—our sense of guilt in general—induce illness as a consequence of success. Unconsciously, these people believe that success was unjustified. They think they are impostors. Thus, even when you do get what you want, you may discover that what you wanted so badly doesn’t bring the expected bliss and happiness. As such, you better learn to accept that no experiences will be entirely free from disappointment.
Developmental Trajectories
As we know, the way we look at things is very much influenced by our developmental trajectory. Early childhood is a critical period in which much imprinting takes place. Growing up, some of us may have been exposed to parental overstimulation or under-stimulation, or subjected to inconsistent, unpredictable childhood experiences. Each of these different developmental tracks can contribute to the development of a fragile sense of self and cause a different form of narcissistic injury.2 Sometimes, our reaction to parental stimuli is to accept the image offered to us—even if the message is one of disappointment. In such cases, disappointment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other situations, our life task could be to do everything to prove our parents or early caregivers wrong. How secure or tenuous your self-esteem is, will determine the kinds of defensive action you take when faced with disappointment.
Depending on your developmental experiences, you may also become an underachiever. If you have disturbing memories associated with experiences of disappointment, you may unconsciously go to great lengths to set the bar low and avoid taking risks, in order to prevent yourself or others from being disappointed. Unconsciously, you may decide that the best strategy is not to have high expectations about anything. If you don’t expect anything, it’s hard to be disappointed. Such behavior turns into a form of self-preservation. However, it can also lead to mediocrity and an unfulfilled life. You may disappointment everyone, including yourself.
I have seen others, following a very different narcissistic trajectory, who seek to avoid disappointment by being over-achievers. Although they may tell themselves that their expectations to perfection are appropriate and realistic, these presumptions turn out not to be false. The bar is set far too high to make whatever they want to achieve attainable. They forget that perfectionism rarely begets perfection, or satisfaction—instead, it often leads to disappointment.
Being Good Enough
The concept of “good enough ” parenting was first used by the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott3 “Good enough” refers to the kind of parents who adequately meet the child’s needs, keeping in mind that it is highly unrealistic to try to be perfect. Perfection is not within the grasp of ordinary mortals. Imperfection is part of the human condition. You better recognize that you will not always succeed as fully with your children as you would like to. This being the case, you should be able to forgive your own imperfections.
We should not expect our children to become perfect individuals. The best we can do as parents is to provide the conditions required for a satisfying childhood; to give them a secure environment. Good enough parents allow their children to make mistakes; they allow them to fail, knowing that mistakes and failures are inevitable components of learning. They create a secure base for their children, who feel supported rather than controlled, and who are able to play, explore, learn, and acquire the inner strength to cope constructively with the inevitable setbacks that will come their way in their journey through life.
Styles of Coping
The question of how we cope when faced with disappointment is a defining moment for many of us. Returning to Robert, I noted how he was caught in an emotional rollercoaster. I saw how he wallowed in his disappointment, feelings of self-doubt, apathy, irritability, discouragement, a sense of abandonment, and demonstrated depressive reactions.
I have encountered far too many people who, when faced with disappointment, tend to attribute negative life events to their own personal failings. They resort to obsessional self-blaming, as they feel ashamed or humiliated of not measuring up to the image of their ideal self. As a result, they direct their anger inward toward themselves, causing depressive reactions. They may say “I deserved what was coming to me”; or “I was just not good enough.” Others, however, turn their anger outward toward others who didn’t fulfill their expectations. But doing this only leads to feelings of spite, vindictiveness, and bitterness. Unfortunately, both emotional reactions will keep people stuck in a web of disappointment.
People who remain disappointed are at greater risk of emotional or physical difficulties, or both. They are prone to a range of affective reactions: frustration, embarrassment, worry, anger, jealousy, guilt, confusion, rejection, hopelessness, and helplessness. Also, in many instances, disappointment can turn into a lingering sadness—a feeling of loss, a sense of being let down, or even feeling betrayed. This is especially the case when disappointment has been inflicted by people whom they trusted deeply. Furthermore, from a neuro-physiological perspective, feelings of disappointment can interfere with the normal levels of serotonin in the brain. When serotonin levels become disrupted as a reaction to stress, we begin to feel sad, anxious, and depressed. These chemical/neurological imbalances contribute to gastrointestinal problems, sleep disorders, and disturbances of other bodily functions.
Overcoming Disappointment
Unpleasant as disappointment may be, we can always learn something from it. Whatever our developmental history may be, disappointment can provide us with valuable information about our beliefs about ourselves, other people, and what makes us happy.
So how could I help Robert? First, I told him that in order to deal constructively with disappointment, he needed to understand what had happened. His reality testing needed to be more effective. Were his expectations reasonable? If his expectations were unrealistic, could he readjust them? As he had revealed that disappointment was a theme throughout his life, I suggested it would be a positive step for him to reevaluate the source of this perception: was it the result of dysfunctional or irrational thinking? I encouraged him to be honest with himself about what underlay his perceptions and behavior in various situations.
If you belong to that group of people that sets their expectations too high, working constructively through disappointments may help you to modify your expectations. You may learn to move away from perfectionistic standards; you may start to be satisfied with “good enough.” Others, who have set the bar too low due to disappointing experiences, should stop hanging on to false beliefs like “There’s no hope,” or “Nothing ever works for me.” You may have to learn that avoiding disappointment is not a very constructive way of dealing with life’s challenges.
To become more effective at coping, you may need to ask yourself whether you are aiming too high or setting your goals too low. Whatever your mental trajectory, are you inviting disappointment? Should you have been clearer in communicating what you expected from others? Do you really know what you expect from yourself? Are you listening to what others are saying to you? Could you have done something different to arrive at a different outcome? Also, given what you know about yourself, how can you adjust your expectations to be more effective from now on? What support and resources do you have at your disposal to help you manage your feelings of disappointment?
You also need to acknowledge that while some disappointments are predictable and preventable, there will be situations that are unavoidable and beyond your control. For example, none of us has control over political calamities, the economy, the job market, or other matters of this kind. Nobody could foresee the lockdown following the global covid-19 pandemic. Therefore, in managing disappointment, you need to differentiate between situations that are within your control, and factors that are beyond it. Being able to recognize the difference will help you to deal with your frustrations more appropriately.
The secret to dealing constructively with disappointment manner is to not let it deteriorate into apathy and depression. Sustained negative thoughts are no prescription for change. When you become preoccupied with bad news, you lose sight of what is right in your life and in the world around you. You internalize feelings of sadness and anger. Hanging on to these feelings can result in your unconsciously making them part of your identity.
I encouraged Robert to catch himself thinking negatively, and to try to redirect his energy and focus toward positive solutions. Hanging on to a disappointing experience would be detrimental in the long run. Dwelling on disappointing situations, like the failure of his early venture, was creating unnecessary stress. It would be much more constructive to reframe his disappointments as learning experiences to be able to cope better in the future, and to use disappointment as a catalyst for personal growth.
Remember that disappointment is not meant to destroy you. If taken in your stride, it can strengthen you and make you even better. In spite of its devastating emotional impact, you may even consider encounters with disappointment as journeys toward greater insight and wisdom. But to be able to make these journeys of self-reflection and re-evaluation meaningful, you need to look beneath the surface. Many of the psychological dynamics that contribute to disappointment are unconscious. Only by paying attention to these hidden mental processes can you mourn and transcend your losses. Only by working through painful associations will you be free from them. In spite of the disappointing experiences that will come your way, your challenge will be to stop bitterness taking root. Tell yourself that although disappointment is inevitable, feeling discouraged is a matter of choice.