As I stress throughout this book, the journey to understanding your inner theater is not easily undertaken alone. You will need some guidance, and for that you need a guide who can be genuinely helpful and steer you in the right direction. Unfortunately, that’s not easy either. The Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “A guide, on finding a man who has lost his way, brings him back to the right path—he does not mock and jeer at him and then take himself off. You also must show the unlearned man the truth, and you will see that he will follow. But so long as you do not show it him, you should not mock, but rather feel your own incapacity.” Always be careful whom you ask for help. Caveat emptor—buyer beware.
Although I often have given guidance to people undertaking major life changes, I never promise them a quick fix. Not that I wouldn’t like to. It would be very nice if I could. I have no illusions about what I am capable of doing but being a magician is not part of my repertoire. I have learned from experience that quick fixes—in spite of the miraculous transformations promised in the self-help sections of bookstores—tend to be non-fixes. Instead, I tell my clients: if you want to learn something about yourself that will make you more effective in your relationships at work and at home, I may well be of some help. But if you want miracles, I’m not your man. I have no magic wand.
Sadly though, I don’t always succeed in getting my point across. People looking for help and comfort are always susceptible to what is called the “idealizing transference.”1 To explain why this is the case, we have to go back to our childhood experiences. How often did you run to a parent for comfort after falling and hurting yourself? How often did you turn a grownup for protection? This search for a comforting, protective other person continues into adulthood. We like to associate with people we perceive as calm and soothing, who can take care of us, particularly if we cannot comfort ourselves. Thus, without my wishing it in the least, as a psychological helper, there is always the chance that my clients will be inclined to over-valuate me. And although this admiration may make feel me good, I also know I will never be able to live up to their exaggerated expectations. Because I am aware of these transferential patterns, which are part of the human condition, I am always on my guard against the idealized projections of others so that they don’t go to my head.
Although I don’t have a magic wand, I can still help the people I deal with to change. However, I try to set realistic expectations. Most changes (as I have learned repeatedly) are incremental. I have also discovered from my work in organizations—cynical as it may sound—that it is far easier “to change people than to change people.” Change is hard work and it can be painful. I tell people that if they are prepared to change, they must realize that it will be an inside job. You can’t change what’s going on around you, until you change what’s going on inside you. And if you change nothing, nothing will change. You have to want to change. I can only take on the role of facilitator.
But in spite of this, many people I meet, who say they want to change aspects of their life, look for short-cuts and I have to disappoint them. Short-cuts leave you short. People don’t like it when I tell them that I’m not the person for quick fixes. They find it difficult to accept that change is painful and takes an incredible amount of commitment, time, energy, and effort.
Homo Mirabilis: The Rise of the Miracle Workers
The unwillingness to make an effort is the reason why many people fail to change. It also explains why the self-help industry remains so robust. Partly, it’s due to our gullibility: if one formula doesn’t work, there’s always another one around the corner we can try. Of course, if quick, self-help cures did work, why is there a never-ending stream of self-help books? If there were such a thing as a magic formula, shouldn’t there be one very, very rich and messianic person around somewhere, living the high life off the proceeds?
The Triumph of Hope Over Experience
As things are now, big business has been built on the myth that you can become infinitely wealthy and happy by taking a variety of magical “cures.” And given our strong wish to believe, I’m afraid that people will continue to line the pockets of the prophets of the self-help industry, in perpetuity. It is difficult to let go of the notion that “I can have everything I want without any effort.” It is difficult to let go of the idea that it’s possible to make a million dollars, be madly in love, have remarkable sex, look like a film star, and spend each day full of happiness. It is difficult to give up the fantasy of being extremely successful, happy, rich, slim, sexy, and loved. The price you pay for hanging on to these ideas is that you let go of reality. It is so much more pleasant to indulge in wishful thinking, particularly if a myth fits our expectations.
As well as the countless self-help books, there are also coaches galore, and other self-appointed miracle workers in the helping profession, ready to tell you that what you wish for is readably obtainable. People sign up for their services when they hear a convincing story of how others have achieved miraculous change. If something sounds good and is easy to understand, our default position is to expect it to be true. This explains why so many false beliefs persist despite the existence of hard facts. We are too ready to search out dubious information that supports our pre-existing beliefs—the result being that feelings overrule facts.2 Our naivety when it comes to dealing with our emotional health explains the endless supply of therapists, coaches, and consultants who trot out exaggerated promises. Frankly speaking, I am amazed by the disingenuousness and downright dishonesty of many of these self-help gurus/coaches and the bullshit they offer as services and products.
“Psychic” Circuses
Many of these pseudo-professionals, often driven by monstrous egos, are highly persuasive. They are extremely talented in the use of idealizing transference. When they are the recipients of unrealistic projections from their clients, they do not push back. On the contrary, they encourage idealization; they want to be perceived as miracle workers.
They also know how to disrupt people’s mental equilibrium. I have seen how motivational self-help gurus and coaches assault their victims’ (not clients’) senses by using rock concert and cult technology in their interventions. They create “psychic” displays (including drumming, dancing, jumping, and shouting) as ways of fooling their naïve targets. But high fiving, hugging people, or daring them to go on fire walks or tightrope walking is not going to solve their psychological problems. It will not benefit their mental health. Instead, they might like to consider the words of the great showman and circus impresario, P. T. Barnum: “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Healer, Heal Thyself
Many of the people who are attracted to these types of mental health gurus and coaches lack critical reasoning skills. They are naïve and quickly seduced. When they undergo this kind of shock treatment, they may believe that they are experiencing transformative change, but they will later regret the exhibitionist behavior they are led into.
From what I have seen, many of these psychological miracle workers fail to recognize the great complexity of the human animal. I have frequently seen how, without presenting a shred of scientific evidence, they claim to know what’s wrong with their clients, to have all the answers. In their attempts to come across as experts, they resort to pseudo-scientific approaches, although many of them have no formal education in psychology, psychiatry, or psychotherapy. In fact, they have very little idea what psychotherapy is all about, as they have never been exposed to personal therapy, a sine qua non to becoming truly effective in the helping profession. They have no idea what life is like on “the other side”—that is, the client’s. They don’t know that to fully relate to another, it is imperative that they first relate to themselves, not using the other to shield their own neuroses.
Granted their circus workshops might improve their clients’ spirit, at least temporarily. But will they make them feel better in the long run? Implying that there are no constraints to our ability to become our best self, to live our best live, to embrace our own truths, is very attractive, but it is also quite naïve.
I also find it paradoxical is that scores of these “helpers” fail to practice what they preach. I have seen many self-proclaimed “health” or life coaches who have unhealthy relationships with food, exercise, and their body image. The sad truth is that many of these coaches lead rather empty lives. Many “relationships coaches” turn out to be lonely and afraid of intimacy. Many high-powered consultants aren’t able to train their dog. The motto “Physician, heal thyself” comes to mind. Many “helpers” don’t recognize that they’re actually very troubled themselves, even as they try to be everyone else’s anchor. Perhaps, instead of giving all and sundry advice about how to live to, they should find a psychotherapist or coach themselves. I know I sound unfriendly, but many people in this sector don’t understand themselves (and consequently, don’t understand others). However, they are very good at blurring the line between reality and fiction by offering oversimplified band-aid solutions to clients whose problems lie at a much deeper level.
Promising miracles can give you a temporary “high.” But what happens after you reach this “high?” How many “quick-fix” gurus ever bother to do a follow-up? How do their clients feel after the euphoria has subsided? There are no simple solutions to feeling unsuccessful, rejected, lonely, or inadequate. Self-limiting beliefs that hold you back cannot be easily changed. You need to accept that whatever the wished-for change, there are going to be many hurdles in the way, ranging from disturbing emotional baggage and ingrained habits, to environmental forces that will reinforce the status quo and are hostile to change. As Sigmund Freud said, “From error to error, one discovers the entire truth.”