As much as Pax wanted to run back to the main house, he took his time. He’d cut his meeting short with Tate, making some lame excuse about not feeling well. If Tate knew anything was up, he was wise enough to keep his comments to himself.
The look on Kira’s face had absolutely gutted him. He should have told her when he thought of letting her in. He shouldn’t have waited, because now she didn’t trust him, or she thought he didn’t trust her. Either way, he’d damaged something with her and that was the absolute last thing he ever wanted to do.
Now he had to hope like hell he hadn’t screwed up anything they’d started building. Maybe he didn’t know what he wanted or even if this would lead anywhere, but he sure as hell knew that he respected Kira and wanted to keep her heart protected. She’d come here to escape pain and the stress of her life back home, and what did he do? He’d kept the truth about his personal life to himself for fear of being hurt. That decision only made him selfish and a complete jerk.
The snow crunched beneath his boots and he crossed the yard toward the back door. He stepped onto the covered patio and stomped off the chunks of snow as his eyes landed on the hot tub. Was there any part of this ranch Kira hadn’t touched? How could he make this right? Could he make this right?
As he stepped through the back doors, he wasn’t quite sure what to say, but he assumed starting with an apology might go a long way in getting back into her good graces.
And it wasn’t so much that he wanted to be in good standing, but more that he wanted her pain-free and able to trust him again.
He went straight to the room they’d shared last night only to find the sheets still rumpled and her suitcases gone. He poked his head into the adjoining bath and none of her bottles were on the vanity. His heart sank. Had she gone back to the cabin or left the ranch for good? He’d only been about thirty minutes with Tate, but obviously enough time for her to load her car and get away from him. He didn’t blame her. She’d been nothing but transparent with him since she arrived, while he’d been guarded for fear of getting too involved.
Too late. He’d gotten deeper with her than anyone else in his entire life, so keeping his secrets and true identity had only backfired.
He cursed as he headed out the back and to his truck. She deserved to know the truth from him, even if his defense seemed lame at this point. He had to try to make her understand his point of view. Maybe that wouldn’t make a difference, but he had to take a chance that his words would change her outlook.
A sliver of relief trickled down his spine as he spotted her car in front of the cabin. She’d stayed...for now. But her absence at the house spoke volumes of the wedge he’d driven between them.
Taking a deep breath, he parked behind her and killed the engine. His only hope at this point was that she didn’t slam the door in his face and gave him two minutes to apologize.
Just as Pax stepped up onto the porch, the door flew open. Kira’s dark gaze stared back at him and beneath the anger, he noticed the hurt. She crossed her arms over her chest, blocking the entrance and obviously giving him the answer about whether or not he’d be welcome inside.
“We really have nothing left to say,” she informed him, her tone cold and closed off.
“You might not, but I have plenty to say, and I want you to listen.”
She scoffed and shook her head. “Is that so? Well, I wanted honesty, so here we are.”
“I have my reasons.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation, Pax. We were nothing more than a fling—you’ve said so yourself. So take your guilt and go on back to work or whatever it is you need to be doing.”
He took a step closer to the threshold. “I’m not leaving until I explain myself.”
Her stare lasted about five seconds before she dropped her hands and turned to walk further into the cabin. Considering she didn’t slam the door, he took that as a silent invitation to enter.
Pax stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind him. Kira kept her back to him as she started removing mantel decor from Christmas. Seeing all of that stuff come down hit him harder than he’d thought. He’d never been one to decorate for the holidays, but her style and all the lights and garland had gotten to him. Ridiculous, really, but now he didn’t want to see the cabin bare again.
“I looked you up, you know.”
She started talking before he could, all while plucking gold decor from her greenery. He slid his hands into the pockets of his coat and let her speak.
“I had no idea you were a billionaire.” She tossed a glance over her shoulder and eyed him. “You don’t look it, so nice acting job.”
“I wasn’t acting.”
She shrugged and turned back to her task. “Anyway, you seem to have really made a name for yourself, which will be good for the dude ranch. I’m sure once you sink that money into the property, people will flock here once again. It truly is a magnificent setting.”
“All of this is what I tried to tell you last night and what I was going to explain tonight.”
She dumped the items into a tote at her feet he hadn’t seen before now. Then she turned and propped her hands on her hips.
“Like I said, you don’t owe me an explanation, and I’ll get over being hurt and bitter. But since you walked in here, you’re going to be the target of my wrath.”
“I deserve that,” he agreed.
Kira pulled in a breath as she glanced around the cabin, then back to him. “Well, go ahead and say what you need. I have plenty to do here before I head out.”
“Stay.” The word slipped out before he could stop himself. “At least stay in the cabin, but don’t rush back to Portland. You don’t have a place to go.”
“I put an urgent request in to my agent. I told her to look for rentals as well, at least that would buy me some time.”
“If you’re insistent, let me find something out there for you. Don’t go until you have a safe, secure place to land.”
A humorless laugh escaped her. “And this is safe and secure? I thought we had something. Yes, we started out fast and physical, but in my mind, we were building something. Then you asked me to move up to the house with you, I was sure it wasn’t one-sided.”
“This isn’t one-sided,” he insisted.
“Your actions prove otherwise.”
Yes, they did, which was why he had to make her see his reasoning.
“I worked on this ranch as a teen,” he started. He moved toward the counter separating the living room and the kitchen and took a seat at the barstool. “Hank and Edith became like my parents as well as my employer. My parents were... Well, they were definitely in their own world with making each other’s lives miserable and it wasn’t much of a homelife. So I poured every bit of my time into this place. I didn’t do it for the money, but because I felt like I belonged and was making a difference. Then when I graduated, I knew I wanted more and something clicked with real estate. I never wanted anyone to feel like they didn’t have a safe place to call home.”
Kira’s shoulders sagged just a bit and he wondered if his words were making an impact. He didn’t want her pity, but more her understanding. If she still hated him at the end of all of this, he obviously only had himself to blame, but at least he could say he tried.
When she said nothing, but he knew he still had her attention, he went on.
“I was engaged a few years ago.”
Saying that sounded so odd. He couldn’t even recall why he’d wanted to get married looking back, and he sure as hell wasn’t in love.
“All of my associates would bring their wives to functions, and I guess I thought I always needed someone on my arm. Someone consistent,” he corrected. “I found out too late that she didn’t care for me one bit, just my bank account. Days before the wedding I caught her trying to steal from me. I was completely blindsided and vowed to never let anyone get that close again.”
Silence settled in the small space and he didn’t know what else he could say or do to make her understand his situation. Considering her silence, she was either taking it all in or waiting on him to have a better reasoning.
“This was nothing against you,” he added. “I had to stay true to myself and trust my gut. I never wanted more than a fling.”
“Yes, that’s apparent and absolutely my fault for reading more into our situation. You were up front with me from the beginning.” Kira took a step toward him and wrapped her arms around her waist. “But you have to see my point of view. When you invited me to stay in the house for the rest of my time here, you can understand where I’d be confused.”
Pax nodded. “I can. I wanted you with me for the time you were here. I didn’t want to go back and forth, and I thought you’d be more comfortable in a bigger place.”
“Again, this was all about your needs. I get it.”
Damn it. His words sounded logical in his head, but the execution was going all to hell.
“I had to guard myself first,” he insisted. “Everything between us happened so fast and every bit was unexpected. Then I wanted to find the right time and that never seemed to happen.”
He paused and thought for a second before adding, “Did the girls not say anything about me when you guys were shopping and at lunch?”
“We were too busy having fun and trying to find the perfect outfits,” she explained. “Then they wanted to get to know me, so no. They never revealed who you were or your status. They said something about you trying to build up the ranch like it used to be and how their guys were good friends with you and they couldn’t wait for us all to be together at the party.”
A sadness swept over her as she glanced down and chewed the inside of her cheek. She took a moment before bringing her attention back to him.
“I’ll text them and let them know I had to leave town,” she told him.
“You don’t have to leave.”
“Yes. I do.”
Those three whispered words sliced right through him. He didn’t know what to say to get her to stay, but clearly her mind was made up. He’d done all he could and he wasn’t going to beg. At least he had to hang on to his pride.
“There’s no need to rush back to Portland.” He held up his hands when she opened her mouth, no doubt to argue. “Hear me out. Stay here in the cabin. I promise not to bother you and I’ll give you Tate’s number if you need anything. Stay as long as you need until you find a place back home.”
“I can’t do that,” she argued, but the conviction had left her tone. She sounded defeated and broken. “I should go and try to...”
She blew out a sigh and turned back to her mantel, muttering words he couldn’t make out. He came to his feet and started to take a step, but stopped himself. Everything in him wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but how ridiculous would that be? He was the one who’d caused the pain. Did he truly believe she’d just willingly go into his arms?
She’d shut him out, shut him down, and now she’d turned her back. There was no better cue to leave than that. He’d barely took a step when her words stopped him.
“Did you see anything beyond these few weeks?” she murmured, keeping her back to him.
Of all the times in his life, now his honesty counted more than ever.
“I don’t know what I saw beyond that,” he told her. “I’m not even sure if I’m staying here long-term.”
She merely nodded and carefully folded the greenery and placed in the tote. He wanted to tell her more, but how could he when he wasn’t even sure himself? It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to stay, to give them time to figure things out. The truth was, he might very well end up back in Spain. Asking her for anything would only be selfish and could still end in heartache.
So maybe this ending was the best for both of them. He’d explained his stance, she’d listened, there was nothing else to say or do at this point.
But that didn’t mean he didn’t care.
“I’ll let Tate know you might be here and give him your number,” Pax told her as he made his way toward the door. “Any communication while you’re here can be done through him, though you know where to find me if you need anything.”
She didn’t reply, didn’t even act like she heard him or she cared. The lump of guilt and remorse settled so weighty in his throat, he had a difficult time pulling in a solid breath. He had to get out of here.