ONE OF THE BEST-KEPT SECRETS OF successful management is the ability to listen actively. Active listening means letting the other person know that she has been heard. You do this by involving yourself in the conversation, making clarifying statements, asking questions, summarizing what you have heard, and using appropriate visual and vocal cues. The best listeners are active ones.
New managers should be concerned about their ability to communicate and listen actively. Many new managers have the mistaken idea that the minute they are promoted everyone is going to hang on every word they say. That is the wrong approach. The more they listen, the more successful they will be. How much listening is enough? As a starting point, make sure that you are doing at least twice as much listening as talking.
Active listening is one of the most valuable traits a new manager can demonstrate for two important reasons: First, if you do a great deal of active listening, you will not be thought of as a know-it-all, which is how most people perceive someone who talks too much. Second, by doing a lot of active listening and less talking, you’ll learn what is going on and gain insights and information you would miss if you were doing all the talking.
Most people are not good active listeners, and it is valuable to understand why.
THE POOR LISTENER
Many people believe that the most beautiful sound in the world is their own voice. It’s music to their ears. They cannot get enough of it, and they require others to listen to it. Typically, these people are more interested in what they themselves are going to say than in what others are saying. Indeed, most people can remember nearly everything they have said and hardly any of what the other person has said. People listen partially—they are not being active listeners. They are too busy thinking of the clever things they are about to utter.
If you don’t remember anything else about this chapter, you’ll do yourself immeasurable good by recalling this statement: If you want to be thought of as a brilliant manager, be an active listener.
Many managers, both new and experienced, do too much talking and not enough listening. You learn very little while you are talking, but you can learn a great deal while listening. New managers often think that now they’re in charge, everyone is hanging on their every word. But the more you talk, the more you run the risk of boring and even alienating others. The more you listen, the more you learn and show respect for other peoples’ ideas, experience, and opinions. It seems like an obvious choice, especially for a manager of people.
Another reason people are not good listeners is the comprehension gap. Most people communicate at between 80 and 120 words per minute. Let’s assume a hundred words per minute as the average speaking speed. People can comprehend at a much higher rate. Those who have taken a rapid reading course, and who maintain the skill, can comprehend well over a thousand words per minute. If someone is speaking at a hundred words per minute to a listener who can comprehend a thousand words per minute, there is a nine hundred-words-per-minute comprehension gap. A speaking speed of one hundred words per minute doesn’t demand our full attention, so we tune out the speaker. We think of other things, and periodically we check back in with the speaker to see if anything interesting is going on. How many times have you seen people checking their emails or texts while in a meeting or a presentation? While they are not fully engaged, many people are still capable of being reasonably attentive while performing another task. But if we become more interested in what we’re thinking about than in the speaker’s words, it may be quite a while before we tune back in to what the person is saying.
Everyone has a need to be listened to. What a wonderful service we provide, therefore, if we are great active listeners. The manager who is a skillful active listener fills an important need for every employee on the staff.
THE ACTIVE LISTENER
Active listeners possess several traits and skills, all of which can be developed over time. For one thing, they encourage the other person to talk. When active listeners finally talk, they don’t turn the conversation back to themselves. They continue the other person’s line of communication. They use certain phrases or gestures to signal that they are truly interested in what is being said.
Looking at someone who is talking to you indicates that you’re interested in what the person has to say. Occasionally nodding your head affirmatively indicates that you understand what the talker is saying. Smiling at the same time indicates that you are enjoying the conversation.
When discussing a problem with an employee, other thoughts are likely to enter your mind. You need to take control of those thoughts. While the person is discussing the problem, try to anticipate where the thought is going. What questions are likely to be asked? If someone is suggesting solutions to a problem, try to think of other solutions. Ideally, you should focus 100 percent on what the person is saying, but the comprehension gap is a reality. By controlling your stray thoughts, you can stay focused on the subject at hand, rather than on some extraneous idea.
If you are vexed by a particularly persistent thought while you’re listening, you may want to stop the conversation briefly by saying, “Give me a moment to get this thought out of my mind so I can fully focus on what you’re saying.” Then write down the idea and get back to active listening. This will allow you to be fully present in the conversation and avoid sending the nonverbal message that your thoughts are elsewhere.
The same method works well if you find your ability to listen is being hampered by a reply you’re formulating in your mind. If you find yourself breathlessly waiting for an opportunity to break into the conversation so you can reply to something that has been said, you’re not actively listening. Again, you want to take a moment to respectfully interrupt the conversation, make a note of your thought, then refocus.
A well-placed comment indicates to the talker that you have a genuine interest in what she has to say.
▪ “That’s interesting.”
▪ “Tell me more.”
▪ “Why do you suppose she said that?”
▪ “Why did you feel that way?”
In fact, just saying, “That’s interesting. Tell me more,” will make you a brilliant conversationalist in the minds of everyone with whom you come in contact.
The height of active listening is restating what you believe you’ve heard. Restating is powerful for two reasons. It sends a clear message that you are engaged in the conversation and it significantly reduces the chance that you are mistaken in your understanding of what is being said.
To utilize restating, you simply inject yourself after an important point has just been made by saying something like, “Let me see if I understand what you are saying,” then provide your version of what you think you just heard. Once stated, you then ask the person you’re listening to if you got it right. By doing this, you are sending a clear message that you are placing value on what the person is saying.
Being an active listener also means that all three forms of communication are in accord. That means that the words you use, your facial expressions, and your tone of voice all give the same meaning. The speaker will receive a confusing message if you say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more,” but have a frown on your face or are speaking in a sarcastic tone. Another mixed message is to respond well verbally but look away from the speaker or become distracted by a stray thought, intended reply, or document. Would you have confidence that this listener is really interested in what you are saying?
CONVERSATION TERMINATORS
Once a manager achieves a reputation for being an outstanding listener, the staff lines up to discuss many matters. Some people will overstay their welcome. They may even think talking to you beats working. You need to have some tools in your managerial toolbox to wind up these conversations.
The verbal conversational terminators are known to just about anyone who has held a job:
▪ “I appreciate your coming in.”
▪ “It was nice talking to you.”
▪ “You have given me a lot to think about.”
▪ “Let me think about that a while and get back to you.”
There are also some more subtle conversation terminators that you may have heard. You should be aware of them for two reasons: First, so that you can immediately recognize them when a more experienced executive uses them on you, and second, so you can use them when they seem appropriate.
If you’ve ever had a conversation in someone’s office and, while you’re talking, watched your host reach over and rest a hand on the telephone receiver even though the telephone hasn’t rung, that’s a conversation terminator. It says, “I hope you leave soon, because I want to make a phone call.” Another technique is for the person to pick up a piece of paper from the desk and glance at it periodically during your conversation. By holding the paper in his hand, your host is saying, “I have something to take care of as soon as you depart.”
Another conversation terminator is the one where the host turns in her chair behind the desk to a side position as though about to get up. If that doesn’t work, she stands up. That always gets the message across. This approach may seem too direct, but sometimes it becomes necessary.
Occasionally, you’ll have an employee who is having such a good time visiting with you that all the signals are ignored. In that case, a verbal terminator that always works is, “I have really enjoyed the conversation, but I am sure we both have a lot we need to get done.” That is not rude when someone has ignored all other invitations to depart.
When an employee or colleague comes into your office who you know in advance is not going to pick up any of your signals, you can announce at the beginning that you have only a limited amount of time and if that is not enough, then the two of you will need to schedule a time to meet later. You will find this strategy works quite well. Your visitors will usually say what they need to within the allotted time frame.
It is important that you recognize these conversation terminators. Of course, you should try to keep your conversations meaningful enough to preclude their use on you and your use of them on others. There are many more, but you’ll compile your own list and find that different people have their own favorite conversation terminators.
LISTENING SUMMARY
People enjoy being around someone who shows a genuine interest in them. Good listening skills carry over into many aspects of both your professional and personal life. The interesting thing is that you can start out using these techniques because you realize people will like being with you. There is nothing wrong with this attitude. You become well liked and your team members get a manager who makes them feel good about themselves.
Everyone gains from such an arrangement. You may need to work hard on your active listening skills, but eventually they’ll become second nature. At first, you may consider this type of behavior to be role-playing. But after a while you’ll be unable to tell when the role-playing has stopped and it’s actually you: After practicing these new listening habits, you become very comfortable with them and they become part of your regular behavior. You’ll derive a great deal of personal satisfaction from being the kind of person others enjoy being around. You’ll also be a much more effective manager.