My return flights to Burlington take a familiar circuitous route, but this time I’m completely relaxed. I know exactly what to expect when I get back: Zoe, great teammates, and a ton of snow. And now I’m at ease about things at home. I hated being on the outs with my family, and now we’re all back to normal. Better than normal actually—I feel more appreciated by my father and brother. I sleep for most of my flights and arrive feeling refreshed.
“Zoe,” I call out and wave as soon as I see her familiar blue parka.
I stride over and give her a big hug. “Hey, it’s so good to see you.”
“Hey, Noah,” she says.
I have so much to tell her. “Man, it was so busy at home. I saw so many people and did all this stuff with my family. You probably noticed this, but I wasn’t too jacked about going home. Things have been pretty awkward with my dad, and I was really—”
She interrupts, “We better get your luggage.”
As we walk over to the carousel, I continue, “Okay, well, you’re really going to love this. My mom sets up this dinner with my dad so we can ‘talk.’ So, we go, and it’s not going great, but then I thought about you and everything you said about your dad—how much you missed him and how you wished you could still talk to him. That inspired me to really make an effort with my dad. And you know what? It worked. We’re actually getting along better than ever before. I think he might come out here for a visit sometime, then you can meet him. Maybe I’ve said some shit about him before, but I think you’ll like him. He’s a good guy.”
My bag comes, and I take out my puffer jacket and put it on. Back to the snow life. We go outside, and the cold smacks me in the face.
“I miss SoCal,” I say as I pull my hood around my face.
“Of course you do,” Zoe replies.
Once we get into her car, I tell her the second part of my good news, “The one thing I didn’t mention was my issues with my brother. Probably because the whole thing doesn’t reflect too well on me, and I didn’t want you to…”
Suddenly, I realize that Zoe’s not really into this conversation. In fact, she doesn’t even look that happy to see me.
“Is something wrong?” I ask.
“No, everything’s fine,” she says.
Alarm bells go off in my brain. When your girlfriend says “fine” in that tone, things are not fine. In fact, if I don’t tread really carefully, I’m going to be in deep shit.
“Um, you don’t seem like your normal self,” I say.
Zoe turns and looks at me. “What’s my normal self?”
“I don’t know. Happy. Cheerful. Maker of goofy jokes.” I smile hopefully but I get nothing in return.
“So, I’m a clown to you?”
She drives out of the parking lot.
Whoa. What’s going on? “Why am I in trouble here? I’ve been on the other side of the country.”
“Oh, I know. California. Where you’d rather be.”
I am genuinely confused as to what is going on here. And Zoe’s usually so low drama, that’s one of the things I really like about her.
“You’re upset because I went home? Or is this because I didn’t call you enough?” It’s the only thing I can think of. But I messaged her.
Suddenly Zoe explodes. “I had a lousy Christmas!”
“Oh no,” I say. “Hey, could you pull over? I want you to look at me when we talk.”
She pulls into a strip mall parking lot. When she faces me, I ask, “Tell me about your Christmas.”
“Well, first my mother went over the household budget. The farm is losing even more money. She really wants to sell now.”
I reach over and squeeze Zoe’s hand. I know how much the farm means to her. Now she’s staring out the windshield, her expression miserable.
“And she’s dating this guy, Carl. He came over for Christmas dinner. So naturally, she wants to move into Burlington.”
“That’s really tough,” I say. For Zoe, it must feel like everyone is forgetting her father.
“And I’ve done everything she wanted. It’s so wrong,” she says.
“I’m not sure I follow,” I reply. From what I know, the sale of the farm has been delayed but inevitable.
She turns and glares at me. “Of course you don’t get it. Everything comes so easy for you. Like your wonderful holiday—out partying every night with Lauren.”
Excuse me? I have never discussed my ex-girlfriends with Zoe. That’s not what I do. “I’m confused. How do you know about Lauren?”
“Before you got here, Rocky and I looked you up on Instagram. We saw the two of you together.”
I still don’t understand this. “But that was months ago. Oh wait, did she post photos from that big New Year’s Eve thing?”
Now Zoe goes ballistic. “What? You saw her on New Year’s Eve too? I only knew about Christmas Eve and then her coming to your house.”
Honestly, I’m getting a little pissed off here. I have done nothing wrong, and I’m getting into shit. “Jesus, Zoe. Do you not trust me?”
“Of course I trust you. But I don’t trust her.”
“I think you’re being unfair,” I say.
This is completely the wrong thing to say, Zoe’s voice goes all quiet. “Oh, excuse me. Unfair? I’m here at home having a pretty crappy Christmas while my boyfriend is out partying with his beautiful ex. That’s what’s unfair.”
“I’m not quite sure what Lauren’s appearance has to do with this. She’s also a very nice person, but that doesn’t mean I’m still interested. What have I ever done to make you think I’m the kind of guy who cheats?”
I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I don’t mind apologizing if I’m in the wrong, but I’m not.
Finally Zoe seems to realize this. She visibly deflates. “I’m sorry, Noah. I know you’re a good guy. I was having a bad night, and I stalked your Insta. And that made me more upset.”
“Okay, but having done it, you could also ask me—in a calm, normal way—what happened, instead of this.”
“I’m so, so sorry. I missed you so much. I can’t believe I’m taking everything out on you, when you’re the one person I wanted to see.”
Poor Zoe looks so upset, that I reach over and squeeze her hand.
But this is exactly the problem I told her about that night on the pond. She has this cheery exterior, but underneath she’s like a land mine. And I never know what will set her off.
“Would it make you feel better to know what actually happened?” I ask.
Her face still looks miserable, but she nods. I explain about seeing Lauren at the club and how Amil is really the one who’s interested.
Finally she smiles. “I’m so sorry. Can we chalk up my insanity to holiday blues?”
“Sure,” I say. But Zoe’s insecurities are troubling. I’m sure that’s even deeper than just losing the farm, but every time I try to probe, she gets upset. “Hey, you know you can talk to me anytime, right? About anything.”
Zoe nods. Now she looks so anxious that I feel bad for pushing this.
“Let’s go home. I missed all my animal buddies,” I say.
But for some reason, even this doesn’t make Zoe smile.
We pull into the farm driveway. Once I get out, I can see the goats outside in a yard fenced in by snowbanks. They look even hairier than when I left. It must be their protection against the weather.
“Hey, ladies,” I call out to them. Katman skitters along the top of the wood fence to greet me, and I rub his head. I look over at the pigpen which is covered with snow. “Is Hammy in the barn?”
Zoe looks down. “Hammy’s not here.”
“Where is she?” I ask.
“Um. In the freezer. Sorry, we waited until you were gone to get her butchered. I knew you’d be upset.”
Am I upset? I liked Hammy, but she wasn’t a pet. I’d be far more upset if something happened to Katman.
This is what I don’t understand about Zoe’s devotion to the farm. She displays this emotional detachment when it comes to the animals. The Meyers have a farm garden and a farmhouse and a pretty pond. But otherwise, what is a farm? If you can rotate animals through, then maybe a farm is more of an idea. A place you can create anywhere and anytime.
I want to share this concept with Zoe. “Would leaving here really be the worst thing? You work so hard. Aren’t there things that you’ve never had a chance to do—like travel, live somewhere new, or even just sleep in? You could always get another farm later.”
She shakes her head. “It won’t be my dad’s farm. This was his dream.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t his dream that you’d miss out on life. What’s your dream?”
“My dream is what I’m doing.” Zoe whirls around to face me. Her face is pale, but her cheeks are flushed with anger. “I don’t believe this. You sound exactly like my mother. I thought you’d be the one person who would be on my side. I can’t even count on you.”
She marches into the house and closes the door in my face.
Fuck. It’s like my life can never be in sync. Now that things are good at home, things are bad here.
Welcome back to Vermont, Noah.