The week without farm work goes amazingly well. While I still can’t get over my uneasiness at having someone else doing all the chores, this holiday has given me an idea of what life will be like when we move. While I’ll miss the connection to the land and animals, it’s pretty nice to sleep in and not feel tired even before I get to hockey practice. I’m more alert in class, and the malaise I felt earlier is gone.
I’ve spent a lot of time with my mother this week. In truth, we’re looking after each other. When Carl drops by with flowers, I make more of an effort to get to know him. He’s a decent guy, and he really seems to care about my mother. I go to my room to give them privacy. When I hear the two of them giggling like teenagers, I feel like the parent. But I’m happy that they’re so happy.
My mother is off work this week, and since I have no farm work, we’ve been doing mother/daughter bonding things after school.
“How can we afford this?” I ask after she insists on buying me new jeans, a top, and a completely unnecessary but gorgeous dress. Well, the dresses were on a two-for-one sale, and she got one too.
“It’s coming from my emergency fund. Now I don’t have to worry about farm emergencies anymore.” My mother is an extreme budgeter, something else I’ve inherited from her. “I talked to Rusty Cooper. We got a real estate appraiser in, and we’re working on the details of the sale.”
She peers at me to make sure I’m okay with this.
And I am surprisingly okay. I’ve followed Lorraine’s advice and taken up meditation. Although I can barely do it for a minute at a time, even that much quiet time has allowed me to consider life in more nuanced terms. My mother wasn’t a villain in my father’s last months, but rather someone trying to manage a new and frightening reality. Instead of regretting the sale of our farm, I’m grateful for having two extra years.
“When are we moving?” I ask. There’s still a tremor in my voice because leaving will be hard.
“Rusty wants to start working the land as soon as it’s warm enough. But he doesn’t need the house right away, so we can wait until school is over. Or go sooner, it’s up to you.”
“Let me think about it. I guess it depends on where we’re going.” I have so many choices now. Am I going to continue living at home or get my own place? Now that the farm isn’t an option, I have to face my career decisions once I have my degree.
“I’m going to rent first. Once you and Derek figure out where you’ll be living, maybe I’ll buy something. I saw a cute condo.”
“I’ll have to figure out what to do with the animals,” I say. The chickens will be easy, someone always wants laying hens.
“Oh, Rusty mentioned that John is willing to buy your goats. The babies too.”
Bobby’s older brother is fastidious about the care of his animals, so my goats will have a good home. Although the thought of giving them up gives me a pang.
“Carl could take Pete. He’s been wanting a dog.” My mom again watches for my reaction.
“Does he have a yard?” I ask. She reassures me that Carl has a nice house with a big yard.
“I guess we could try to convert Katman into a house cat,” I say. After seeing Katman cozy up to Noah, this will be easy. Even this reminder of Noah still hurts.
My mother doesn’t look completely delighted at the idea of Katman as a pet, but since we’re going from seventeen animals to one, she graciously agrees.
We’ve had guests for dinner all week, as neither of us can bear to see people working hard for us with no reward. These dinners have been so much fun. My mother enjoys the company, and I like showing off all the good food our farm produces. The only person we haven’t seen is Noah. Even though he arranged everything, he’s not on the schedule. Maybe telling him the truth turned him off completely or perhaps he prefers to avoid me. After all, nobody likes to hang out with an ex.
On the last night of farm vacation, our dinner guests are Helen and Bobby. Miraculously, I’m starting to like Helen. Still I can’t help laughing when Bobby describes how one of the chickens chased Helen all around the coop.
“I didn’t know if it was dangerous or not. What if it had rabies?” Helen says.
Bobby squints at her like she’s missing a brain. “Chickens don’t get rabies.”
She waves him off. “How would I know that?”
“More pie?” My mom offers to defuse the conversation.
After dinner, I pull on my coat and walk Helen and Bobby to their vehicles.
“Thanks so much for coming and helping,” I tell Helen as I pull her in for our first-ever hug.
She shrugs. “You’re welcome. It’s tough to say no to Noah Goodwin. Well, for everyone but you.”
Ouch. Helen and I are never going to be best friends, but I still appreciate her volunteering.
Bobby and I watch Helen drive off.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask.
He nods. “Wanna get in the truck?”
It’s pretty cold out, so we hop in, and he turns on the engine.
“This feels pretty familiar,” I say. Not having privacy is one of the hallmarks of my dating life, and Bobby and I spent a lot of time in his truck.
Bobby shifts in his seat. “Uh, maybe I should have told you this before, but I’ve been seeing Marisol Grant. Remember her from high school?”
“Sure. She’s really nice.” Then I realize he thinks I might be coming on to him. “That’s great. When did you guys start going out?”
He drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “Well, I guess it was about the time I heard you had a new boyfriend.”
Oh. Bobby never dated much after me; he must have thought we’d get back together. So, that’s one good result from my relationship with Noah.
“Look, I just wanted to apologize,” I say.
“For what?” he asks.
I debate whether to tell him about therapy, but I think Bobby’s attitude would be as cynical as mine used to be. “I’ve held onto a lot of anger about my dad dying—even though it’s not his fault obviously. As a result, I’ve messed up a lot of my relationships. So, when we broke up—”
“When you broke up with me,” Bobby clarifies.
“Yes. I want to apologize for that. I said that you weren’t being there for me, when no guy alive could have lived up to my expectations.”
Bobby looks out the windshield. “I felt really bad for you back then, but I didn’t know what to do. And you kept pushing me away.”
“I know. It was about me, not you.” I sound so cliché, but it’s true.
“No. It’s never all on one person. Is this like some rehab thing where you want me to forgive you? Because I did that a long time ago.”
“It’s more like I had these revelations, and I want to share them with everyone. But I’m finding out that all of you knew this stuff way before me.” I laugh.
Bobby laughs too. He was always nice that way, laughing along even when he wasn’t quite sure why I was laughing.
“Zoe, I’ve been thinking. I know it’s hard for you to leave your farm. And I wanted to say—if you ever get a new property, come and see us and we’ll start you off right.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we could graft your dad’s fruit trees onto new rootstock. Be like a chip off the old block.”
The idea feels miraculous. When I bite into one of our peaches and taste its sun-warmed sweetness, I can remember Derek and me as kids eating the peaches with juice running down our faces and my dad laughing at us. And our apple and pear trees have memories too.
“Wow, that’s the best idea. Thank you!”
“And you know how my brother is anal about record-keeping? I’m sure we could get you baby goats that originally come from Cookie or Fran or whichever damn goat is your favorite.”
I can’t stop smiling. Bobby is showing me how I can keep my farm forever. Noah once said something about a farm being transferrable. I’ve already come to terms with the idea of honoring my father in new ways, but here’s a chance to keep something concrete.
“Thank you so much.” I hug him, in a purely friendly way of course.
He blushes and shakes his head. “No big deal.”
But it is. Just the possibilities make me happier. I feel energetic and excited.
When my alarm goes off the next morning, I can’t wait to get back to my chores.
I open the door of the chicken coop. The chickens take one look at the blowing snow and turn back around. Smart birds. They have their own door they can use if the day brightens up later. I change their water and feed them.
Then I open the barn door. I stop in shock. It’s decorated with streamers and a big banner. The banner has been painted with the words, Welcome Baaaaack Zoe!
The goats are milling around excitedly, the way they do whenever their routine changes. I look around, but there’s no sign of anyone ready to jump out and surprise me.
What am I supposed to do now? Cookie’s loud bleat reminds me that it’s milking time.
I push her onto the milking stand and notice that she’s wearing a pink paper heart on her collar. I pull it off for a look.
Missed ewe.
“Pretty corny. But a ewe is actually a sheep.” I take the heart off and pin it to the chore board. It’s adorable, and I’m going to keep it. I milk Cookie, but she’s almost dried up now. She needs all her milk for her baby.
It’s fun to be back at this, but I miss having two people here. Farming is teamwork, just like hockey.
Pie is the next up. Her heart says Goat Milk? I giggle at the silliness as I milk her.
Win is bleating loudly, so I grab her next. Her heart says Use kid gloves.
“I always do,” I tell her as I hang up her sign.
Rayme doesn’t have any sign at all. I suspect that she ate hers because that’s so Rayme. And she doesn’t have any milk either. I wonder when all this decorating took place. Someone must have gotten up pretty early. Or maybe it was done last night. Is it a group effort or the one person I long to see the most?
Fran is last. Her heart sign says Didn’t miss ewe. Well, she is the diva of the herd.
“That’s not nice,” I tell her. But when I flip the heart over, it says, Just kidding.
This can’t be Noah; he always mocks my corny jokes. It’s more of a Rocky thing to do. I put the milk into the fridge and rinse off the strainer.
Then there’s a familiar knock on the barn door.
“Come in,” I say. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest.
Noah walks in. He’s wearing his black puffer jacket, a red plaid scarf, and the lopsided beanie I knitted. He looks stylish, handsome, and so desirable. A Burling-ten-ten—but it’s his strength of character that really makes him perfect.
“Need any help?”
I smile awkwardly. “Just finished the milking.”
“Perfect timing then,” he says.
How can he even joke about being lazy? He’s done more for me in the past week than anyone has done in years. No, correction: than I’ve allowed anyone to do in years.
I motion to the banner. “Did you do all this?”
He laughs. “Rocky helped me paint the banner. I did the rest.”
He steps closer. We are close enough to touch, but I can’t reach out. I lost that privilege when I broke up with him—also known as the dumbest day of my life.
“Noah, thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me in the past week. No, ever since we met. Not only all the hard work you’ve done on the farm, but the way you’ve opened my mind to… life.” Life isn’t quite the right word, it’s more like possibilities.
His smile is teasing. “You’re welcome. So I heard a rumor that you may be making some changes around here.”
“Has Derek been gossiping?” I wonder how much Noah knows. Because he’s exactly the person I’d like to discuss everything with. “Well, we’re going to sell the farm in the spring.”
“How do you feel about that?” he asks.
“I’m sad, of course. But I’m excited too. There are lots of options.”
Did Noah roll his eyes? I reach out and shove him, and he feels so solid under my hand. “Yes, I know you said all of this before.”
“I think you meant to insert some compliments there, about how wise and wonderful I am,” Noah says.
I growl at him. “If not for that enormous ego, you would be the perfect guy.”
He flexes his fingers. “That’s what all the ladies say now that I’ve added goat milking to my repertoire.”
I can’t help but laugh. The way we’re talking now reminds me of our early days. But I can’t assume anything, can I? Noah is so desirable that he may have already been scooped up by someone. “And how many ladies have experienced those new and magical fingers?”
“Sadly, just the females in here.” Right on cue, Fran lets out a loud bleat, and we both laugh.
“I love all the hearts. But Rayme ate her message, so I never got to read it,” I say.
“Damn. And that one was the most sentimental.”
“What did it say?” I ask.
Noah smirks. “That’s between me and Rayme now.”
Damn. What if that was the message asking me to give him a second chance? But I was the one who wanted to break up. So it’s up to me to ask him. I’m terrified because it’s so important to me.
I stand in front of him, nervous and hopeful. I push my hair back from my face. If only I’d known Noah was going to show up, I would have brushed my hair and washed my face. It doesn’t matter though. Noah cares less about appearance than anyone I’ve ever known.
“I heard what you were saying last week. I told the counselor—everything. And it’s been really good for me. I’m uncovering why I’ve been so angry, and I’m learning how to deal with my anger appropriately.”
Noah waits and listens. I can barely manage to look at him because I’m terrified of what his answer will be.
“I fixed things in my life. My mother and I are getting along a lot better. As, I said, we’re moving, and I’m looking forward to my future. I’m thinking about traveling or having some kind of adventure when I graduate.”
I take a deep breath and go for it.
“Noah, I know I’ve totally messed up, but I really regret our split. I regretted it pretty much from the moment it happened. I’m over all that jealousy and envy, I’m a better person now—really. Is there still a chance for us?”
“A chance for us to what?” I hate the smug expression on his face. He’s going to make me spell this out.
“For us to get back together. Or is it too late?”
He puts his hands on my shoulders. His touch on me is warm and electrifying. “The best thing about us slow movers is that we don’t do well with change.”
Is he saying yes? I’m on the cliff’s edge of hope.
“Zoe, it’s not all on you. I’ve done a lot of thinking too. I realize that I need to show you how I feel. I never did enough of that when we were together.”
“Like this, you mean?” I motion to the banner with my head.
He nods. “Yes, like that. And like this.”
He tilts his head to mine and kisses me. His mouth is both familiar and new because I’ve missed him so much. I kiss him back with all the desperation I’ve been feeling while we were apart. Now his strong arms wrap around me, and I feel dizzy with joy. We’re back together!
Noah stops and puts his forehead against mine.
“I love you, Zoe Meyers,” he says.
“I love you, too.” I barely get the words out because I’m almost overcome with how beautiful my life is now.
He kisses me again, and I allow myself to relax into the bliss of being back with Noah.
When we’re finally finished, I hug Noah and let out a sigh of happiness.
“If you loved me before, wait until you get to know the new and improved Zoe,” I say.
“Oh, I love all the Zoes,” Noah declares.
Maaaaa.
We turn and realize we have an audience. Since I never filled the feed stand outside, all the goats have come baaack to complain. But they were nice enough to stay quiet until we had our romantic reunion, because they love their singing goatherd as much as I do.