After a shower and a very brief attempt at homework, Emmy got out the spare bike and helmet. This time she went in the other direction. She zigzagged through tree-lined streets. She watched the brown and orange leaves rain down on cars and sidewalks. Being in her dad’s hometown made her feel closer to him. It was almost as if the city itself remembered him and could tell her more about him.
She thought about what his writing showed her. He had dealt with raw feelings too. She took comfort in that. People like Paige would never understand. Maybe that’s what bothers Paige, Emmy thought. Maybe Paige knew that she would never be able to feel in the way that Emmy could. Maybe that’s what made her mean. She was secretly jealous. And if Paige ever felt about anyone the way Emmy felt about Jude, she probably wouldn’t have the courage to follow her feelings.
Emmy rode across the Granville Bridge. As she rode along Granville, she saw another side of the city. People huddled in doorways under blankets and cardboard. There was an older man wearing headphones and dancing on the street corner as though it was the middle of a dance floor. He was dressed in something out of a Michael Jackson video, all sequined and glittery. It almost hid how grubby and dirty he was. He was totally in his own world.
Emmy didn’t want to stare. But from a safe distance across the street, she took in the sight of him for a long time. She saw how people walked by him, pretending they didn’t see him. They totally ignored him. But he was spectacular. What were they afraid of?
For the first time, it seemed to Emmy that the whole world was afraid. The whole world, except the dancing man and maybe Jude. Emmy was afraid. What would Jude think of her if she told him everything that was in her heart? How could she show him that she thought of him as perfect?
She thought about the way girls at school had talked about this or that celebrity being so hot. Emmy had always felt alone in those conversations. She couldn’t see what everyone else saw. She didn’t care about what they saw in those guys. Now she knew that what made a person attractive was only partly physical. Jude was so insanely handsome to her. Yet, what drew her to him was something much, much deeper than looks alone.
Emmy clutched her phone in her hand. She had Jude’s number, but only because Paige had texted them both at the same time. He hadn’t given it to her. It would be stalkery to text him. He would laugh at her. He would tell her she was too young — and probably too fat — for someone like him.
She tucked her phone back in her pocket. Would he? Could he really think that? She knew he’d never say something like that to her. He was kind and thoughtful. Her mind filled with the look on his face that day at the park. She longed to stare into his eyes, to see the kindness deep within him. She loved the way his face tilted slightly to one side as he focused on her. She loved the way he laughed at her dorky jokes.
It would all end horribly, that was a sure thing. But she thumbed out the words.
“Hey you. What are you up to right now? Want to hang out? By the way, this is Emmy.”
Before she could back out, she hit send. Then she hunched over as her insides threatened to tear her apart. Sweat poured from her forehead. What a mess. What had she done? Why was she so hopeful? So transparent? Ugh, there was nothing worse than being a pathetic girl.
The phone was back in her pocket, and her face was in her hands when she felt her phone vibrate. This was it. Expecting a text of “hahaha in yr dreams,” she waited for her thumbprint to unlock the phone. Her heart pounded.
“Sure. Where?”
Emmy gasped. A yes had seemed so unlikely she couldn’t believe the words on the screen.
Suddenly she panicked. She wasn’t dressed to hang out. She needed deodorant and perfume and better makeup. What had she been thinking? Now it was too late. She couldn’t just say she was kidding or that she texted him by accident. Or could she? People in Vancouver bailed all the time, she remembered. It was tempting.
“I’m downtown. Where are you?” she wrote.
Oh God, oh God. This was the stupidest idea. If it went bad, it’d be a disaster. If it went well, it’d be even worse. She wasn’t ready for, well, anything. She didn’t know the first thing about love or crushes or trans guys or guys. Nothing.
They agreed to meet at the Templeton for milkshakes. Although she had never been there, it sounded frighteningly date-like. Totally freakin’ date-like. And while Emmy had given a blowjob to Ty Biggs, she had never been on that sweeter side of the couple equation. A date. Courtship. Dating. She didn’t know what to do. All she knew was she had thirty minutes to get herself from where she was, near Pacific Centre, to where he would be, just a few blocks up.
She had a stroke of inspiration, and hit the MAC Cosmetics counter at The Bay. A guy in a black corset with turquoise eyeshadow approached her and asked if he could help.
“I’m actually meeting someone in a bit. I don’t have any money to buy anything. You totally don’t have to help, but I kind of hope you’ll take pity on me. It’s my first date.”
“Oh, honey. Say no more. Sit down.”
Emmy sat in front of a mirror and looked at herself. He explained the Adele look to her, showing her how to create the contour she wanted. Her sheer terror was obvious. No amount of putty or colour or texture could change that. But the guy came back with some stuff anyway. Emmy closed her eyes and focused on breathing as he touched her eyelids gently with his soft brush. She felt him sponge something cool onto her flushed cheeks and wipe the sweat from her brow with a delicate puff. He asked her to press her lips together and she did. When she opened her eyes, she no longer saw the pathetic creature who always looked back at her. She didn’t look like Adele. She looked like herself, only better.
“Oh, my God. You’re like my fairy godmother.”
“You got that right,” he said. He passed her samples of the various products he’d used on her.
As Emmy walked her bike up Granville, careful not to break a sweat, the autumn sun shone down on her. She thought of RuPaul and strutted like a runway model.