Jude was already seated at a booth when Emmy walked into the retro diner. He waved.
“You look pretty today,” he said when she sat down.
“I do?”
“Yeah. You did something different.”
“No,” she said, immediately shy. She looked at her lap. “Maybe it’s because I biked.” She wished she had hugged the guy in the corset. She would hug him when she went back to buy everything.
“What do you want to eat? They have great milkshakes and burgers here.”
“I’m not hungry,” she said. “I’ll just have water. Maybe a milkshake.”
“Come on. My treat. Eat something.”
He hadn’t mentioned eating in the text. There was no way she could eat a burger in front of Jude. It would be like being back on the stage with all those eyes on her. The skinny waitress would look at her, probably thinking she’d order a lot. And then Emmy would feel like she was in some sort of pie-eating contest in front of a crowd. That was so not going to happen with Jude right across from her.
“Just a milkshake, that’s all.”
“Suit yourself. I’m getting a burger. You can eat my fries if you want.”
Did he think she couldn’t go without? The skinny waitress with the shaved head came over and they ordered.
Being around Jude, Emmy understood why they called it butterflies. She was an anxious ball of nerves and there was fluttering deep inside her. She was so focussed on keeping the conversation going that she agreed with things Jude said without even hearing them. She was caught in her own head. It was a little like that time she was with Ty in Winnipeg, but this was worse. Ty had been quiet and had his own idea of how he wanted the night to go. She didn’t get the sense that Jude wanted a blowjob or anything like that. And her mind raced. Why was he here with her? What could he possibly see in her? What did he want?
But she couldn’t ask those questions. Instead she giggled and slurped down her mint-chocolate milkshake. She tried to pay attention to his words, even though his eyes held her mesmerized. When he looked at her she got the sense that he could see her entire past and read all her thoughts. There was nowhere to hide from Jude’s gaze. It was dangerous to feel so understood and so afraid of it.
Jude was telling her about his latest busking adventure. He was describing a zany old lady when his phone buzzed on the smooth diner table. Jude grabbed it before Emmy could see who was calling.
“Sorry,” he mouthed to her. He clutched the phone, and within seconds his face got all serious.
“You’re kidding,” he said, staring at Emmy like he was in shock. “That’s so messed up . . . You’re sure? . . . That’s seriously messed.”
When he hung up, he looked at Emmy like she was an alien, like he wanted nothing to do with her. “I have to go.”
“Now?”
“Right now,” he said abruptly. “Finish this, okay?” He pushed the burger and fries toward her. It all but confirmed Emmy’s worst nightmare — he did think she was unable to go without.
Jude got up and put on his jacket. He fished out some cash from his pocket and slapped it on the counter. Then he hurried out of the diner.
The “date” was over before Emmy knew what happened. She was alone. Was the call from Paige? Or had he simply decided that she was too fat and gross, and pretended there was some sort of emergency?
Emmy wanted to finish the milkshake, but couldn’t. She had always protected herself better than this. Her world had never crumbled so completely.
“You want a box for that?” the server asked, pointing at Jude’s half-eaten meal.
“No, thanks.” Emmy didn’t think she could ever eat again.
She spent about ten minutes stirring her melted shake and trying to drink another sip to prove she wasn’t ungrateful. Then she got up and left.
Guys are shit, she thought. All guys. Just shit. There was no point to any of the heartache they had caused her up to now. And even Jude just picked up and left. It didn’t matter if it was based on some hearsay gossip from Paige or some shallow observation of her body, which she had never hidden from him. He knew how she looked going into this thing.
She stomped her way back to her bike and plunked her helmet on her head. She made for home, which wasn’t home. Halfway across the Cambie Bridge, her bike chain got stuck. The bike nearly threw her. Then she nearly threw it over the side of the bridge. She was done. Just done. How could she explain to her thin cousin that her fat ass had ruined so much?
As she walked the broken bike, she thought about home. Well, Winnipeg. It was where her mom lived, but it wasn’t home. There was no home for her. She was only seventeen, but she had nothing in the world to call home. For the first time, she realized that the folks on the street were the most honest people of all. The dancer on the corner who bopped away in his own private world was quite possibly the realest guy she’d ever seen. Emmy hadn’t even considered that maybe he might have wanted Jude’s half-eaten burger. In the future, the only right answer to the question of taking leftovers would be yes, even if she wouldn’t eat them. People outside might. Too late now. One more reason to kick herself.
Emmy huffed her way up over the bridge, walking up, up, and over to where her aunt and uncle lived. By the time she got there, she was drenched in sweat.
She dropped the bike in the garage. She raced up the stairs and into the shower. Her whole look was all gross and faded. It was time to wash it off and be totally naked. No more appearances.
Clean and towel-dried, she got into her pink fleece pants. Guys suck. Screw them all, she thought. She went to the fridge, filled a bowl with some bean salad and ate it quickly. She put her empty bowl in the dishwasher and sat down at the table. Time to spread the books out and get to work once and for all. It had been weeks and she hadn’t completed a single unit. At this rate, she’d never graduate.