As soon as Paige was out the door, Jude shook his head at Emmy.
“What am I supposed to do with you?” Jude asked, smiling.
Emmy shrugged. It was weird to see him acting normal with her. Acting like it was all fine. She’d spent the evening feeling dumped and pathetic and heartbroken.
“I’ve got another three hours on my shift. Everything will look very different by then, I’m sure. So I’m just going to put this in front of you.” Jude took a sandwich from the display fridge. He put it on a plate and slid it onto the counter. “Eat.”
“I’m messed up, Jude,” Emmy said, trying not to look at the sandwich or Jude. “I’m messed in ways I can’t even begin to tell you about.”
“Same here.”
He turned back to his other customers. Emmy watched him in action. There was nothing like seeing him work the place, getting his customers laughing and at ease. She was amazed how well his pained heart could hide behind his charm. No one there but Emmy could see what kind of fortress Jude lived in. He had a moat around him and a drawbridge he had let down for her a few times. But he could close it up and withstand any storm, to stand alone without needing anyone or anything.
In lull moments Jude checked to see that she’d eaten a few bites. The place was hopping, the tips were piling up and Jude was in his element.
“So it’s official,” Emmy announced to Jude. “I can’t go back to Winnipeg.”
“What? Why not?”
“Because my mom’s a whore.”
“Your mom is a sex worker? You never told me that.” He gave her a look of surprise.
“No, she’s an office worker. But she’s a whore.”
“Emmy.” Jude’s face was stern. He frowned in disgust. “Don’t use that word.”
Emmy rolled her eyes. But she could see that Jude was serious. As serious as when he threw out the yoga girls.
“Emmy, I feel really strongly about this. If a woman exchanges sex for money, she’s a sex worker. If she doesn’t, and even if she does, don’t call her a whore. It’s sexist. Worse than that, it puts down sex workers. And not only are they people worthy of respect, they can be some of the best people in the world.”
There’s Jude on his soapbox again, thought Emmy. So many opinions.
“Sorry,” she said. But even to her it didn’t sound like she meant it.
Jude wouldn’t let it go. “Clarisse does sex work. So when you insult your mom by using that word, you make it my business to call you on it.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Emmy, I need you to understand. Clarisse’s work pays for her hormones. And she lets me live with her so I can afford the treatment I need. I don’t want to think of you, someone I was actually starting to trust, as being so insensitive.” He shook his head.
Emmy couldn’t take any more. It was one thing when she was the wronged one. But she couldn’t face the disappointment in his eyes. And she couldn’t hole up in the washroom again. Jude was stuck behind the counter for another hour. He wouldn’t come after her if she left. Not now. Probably not ever. Emmy rushed out the door.
For the first time in ages, she longed for The Peg. Back there, she could use that word to describe her mom. Her friends did it all the time. It didn’t mean anything. Having Jude explain it to her made her feel like a hick. It proved that she was an outsider in his life.
But now there was nowhere to go. She couldn’t go back to Linda and Frank’s. There was no point in calling Paige. Emmy had no friends in the world. So she went back to Dude Chilling Park and sat on a bench. There was another drunk person on another bench, but he was nearly passed out. He had his head down in his lap, grumbling about something.
There were a lot of people, even at night. And there were pathways and it wasn’t really that dark. The booze had worn off, and there was more than half a bottle left. She pressed the lip of it to her mouth. The vodka burned going down her throat and gave a brief feeling of warmth. But she was cold through, the evening wind chilling her to the bone. They say that Manitoba is cold, Emmy thought, but really this is far colder.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her coat around her. She spread her scarf up around her face. This is it, she thought, looking out at the moon-streaked park. This was where she could finally let it all out. She bawled.
Emmy had never felt so alone. Everyone left her. Her dad went and died. Her mom sent her away. Her so-called friends didn’t even bother to stay in touch. Paige palmed her off on anyone. And now Jude. It was tiring, the way everyone kept disappearing.
Another sip. Another.
Emmy didn’t know how long she had been sitting and drinking when they walked up to her.
“Got enough to share?” one of them asked. He introduced himself as Jaiden.
He looked nice enough. So did his two friends. She eyed her nearly empty bottle, shrugged, and passed it to him. He took a sip. She was surprised by the friendly the way he looked at her. Maybe like he thought she was kind of pretty.
“Why are you out here alone?” Jaiden asked.
She shrugged again. How could she even begin to explain?
“Not much for words, eh?”
Another shrug. Jaiden sat down next to her. Why is he crashing my pity party? Emmy wondered. She didn’t want it to turn into an actual party. Not when she’d lost the closest thing she’d ever had to love. But even though they made her nervous, Emmy felt pressure to impress them. She should be nice and all that.
“What are you up to?” she asked.
“Not much. Walking around. Seeing what’s up.”
“Oh, yeah,” Emmy said, loosening up. “Sounds better than my night.”
“Something wrong?” He put his arm along the back of the bench. “You can tell me.”
Talking to strangers was easier than sitting alone with no one. “I think I broke up with someone,” Emmy said.
“You think? Or you did?” Jaiden asked.
Thinking about the difference made Emmy confused. The whole thing was still fuzzy in her mind. “Well, we weren’t even really together. So I dunno.”
“Sounds messy.” He turned the corners of his mouth downward like he was sad for her. She liked the way he looked closely at her. His probing questions showed he must care.
Jaiden put his hand on her knee and nodded to his friends. As the other two closed in on them, Emmy suddenly felt that the closeness was wrong. Her body tensed. Her back became rigid and her jaw clenched.
Jaiden didn’t seem to notice or care. “Well, you know what they say. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” He laughed at his own joke. His friends laughed along. To Emmy it sounded like hyenas cackling.
“Dude, remember sharing?” one of them said. “It looks like there’s enough there to go around.”
Emmy knew he wasn’t talking about the vodka.
That was when it all became clear. She didn’t want to let herself get hurt. Not even if she tried to call it something else, like sex or love. Not by Ty, not by this moron. Not by anyone. She knew in that moment that she loved herself. She cared about herself too much to fall into this trap again.
“I gotta go,” she said, getting to her feet.
“Was it something I said?” Jaiden asked.
“Yeah, actually. I am not your low self-esteem hook-up girl, okay? I wasn’t sitting around waiting for you to come along and take pity on me.”
And with that she was walking away.