Emmy ran to the coffee shop. Broken as it all was, she wanted to fix things. She had to see Jude before it was too late. She could see from a block away that the lights were already out. But she could make out Jude’s shadow as he locked the side door.
“I had a feeling you’d be back,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” Emmy said, gasping for breath. “For everything.”
“You don’t need to be,” Jude said.
“But I am. I never want to hurt your feelings or say bad things about the people you love.”
He grasped her cold hands in his and breathed hot air onto them. Their eyes met. Jude took her in his arms and held her. He told her softly that he was sorry too. He kissed the top of her head and she let her tears flow right into that safe place where his shoulder met his neck. Emmy thought about Jude’s issues with touching. She marvelled at how right it felt to be in his arms.
Emmy knew that here, she could let herself feel. With Jude, she could be everything. She could be the vulnerable girl who would do anything to be liked. She could be the strong girl who could bike and run and do anything she wanted. She could be the girl whose heart broke at the thought of losing Jude forever.
“Jude,” she said in a quiet voice. “I’m sorry I’m messed up. I’m sorry I don’t know how to be with other people. But one thing I’m not sorry about is how I feel about you.”
“Emmy,” he said. “Emmy. Emmy. Emmy.”
Emmy was warm everywhere. She couldn’t believe this feeling was possible.
With Jude’s arms around her, Emmy was both terrified and at ease. All the running she’d done in her life ended in this moment. This was it. She didn’t need to escape anymore because she was where she needed to be.
It was the happiness that finally made her cry. She said, “Sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve you.”
“Me? That’s how I feel about you. Ever since you’ve been here I’ve been wondering what I did to deserve your attention. You get me. All my life I’ve felt like nobody would ever get me, ever see the real me.” He dried a tear from Emmy’s eye.
“I see you,” she said with a sniffle.
“I know you do. I feel it.”
“Jude,” she said. She clutched him close to her.
“I want to take you to one of my special spots. My bike’s locked up around back. We can go to your place and get yours.”
“It’s broken.”
“What do you mean it’s broken?”
“The chain fell off.”
“I can fix that,” Jude said.
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
“I don’t know if we have tools in the garage.”
He smiled. “I have tools.”
At the surprising image of Jude fixing her bike, Emmy had to smile back.
***
The booze had worn off by the time Jude finished his handiwork. Despite Emmy’s doubts about his skills as a bike mechanic, it didn’t take much for him to fix it. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Soon Emmy was pedaling after him across the Cambie Bridge, the night sky cool against her face. The glossy city was aglow with the sparkling lights of condos and retail shops and tall glass buildings. She could barely take it all in as they rode along the seawall. They biked, alone together, for nearly an hour before arriving at Second Beach.
Jude stopped and locked up his bike, then hers. He took Emmy by the hand and walked her to the swing set. She sat on the cool plastic seat and put her hands on the metal chains. Jude stood behind her, holding her. She felt his warm breath on the top of her head.
She had dreamed of this moment all her life. But the reality of it made her sad. Now that she was seeing what real love was, she wasn’t ready for it.
“Everything I’ve learned about love and romance makes me want to avoid it,” Emmy said. “My mom hated my dad before he died. She was in the middle of divorcing him anyway.” She had never told that truth to anyone. It was easier to let them think her dad’s death was the only tragedy. It was easier to understand death than to get your head around falling out of love and fighting constantly. Emmy muffled a cry as she added, “He was drinking and driving. That’s how he died.”
Jude held her tight. All the times she’d thought about telling Jude about her dad, she saw herself breaking down and bawling. But she didn’t. It helped that he held her and just listened.
A couple of minutes later, Jude spoke. “My parents are still together, but only because they have to be. No divorce in my family. But plenty of misery.”
So he did understand. Everyone else she’d ever met seemed to believe in romance, even the ones who called themselves cynical. They weren’t like her. No one was like her in that honesty about the world. Except maybe Jude.
“I never want to make you miserable,” Emmy said.
“You couldn’t. You make me happy.”
“You know what’s strange? Every romantic movie I ever watched and every romance novel I ever read, it’s the girl. She’s always the one who wants to be in a relationship. She can’t wait. But I’m scared of it. I’m scared of hurting you. I’m scared of being a mess you have to clean up.”
“Oh, Emmy.”
Jude turned her around by twisting the two metal chains together. He stood in front of her and held her to his chest. Emmy put her ear against him and listened to his heartbeat. She ached to be as close to him as she could. Even the swing’s chains were too much of a barrier between them. She stood up and wrapped her arms around him.