“The details of that day are all still very sharp in my memory. It’s hard to believe a year has passed already. It seems like it was just yesterday, Beth. A lot has sure happened since then. That’s what got me sent here. Nothing really prepared me for it, but I knew it was inevitable. Without the full use of my right arm, I knew there was no way I could go back to my little house and look after myself, and I had been too much of a burden on my family as it was. No, I knew that I had to stop resisting fate. The doctor was right, even though I never gave him the satisfaction of telling him so. It was time to face facts and accept the offer of the room at the old folk’s home.
When I had regained consciousness after surgery on my arm and shoulder, I knew my gig was up. The orthopedic surgeon that had operated on my hip just months before was the same doctor to operate on my arm. Before he put me under, he said he would do his damnedest to ensure I would get full use of my arm, but he couldn’t make any promises. It was shattered, broken in three places and my shoulder was dislocated. It had been a long surgery, and even though I pulled through it well, it knocked the stuffing out of me.
The following week, the doctor approached me with his thoughts on my situation. He said that I needed extensive rehab on my arm and shoulder, and that it was going to be many months before I’d be able to get much use from my arm. At that point I was hardly able to feed myself, never mind getting dressed or doing any personal hygiene. I was trying to use my left hand, but it was tedious. The doctor was there to tell me that there was a room available at the home for the aged in my area, and he hoped I would put some thought into taking it. Perhaps, I would consider going there just until I could convalesce. I said I would think on it and discuss the matter with my children. He mentioned that he had already been in contact with Jackie and Jacob about the matter, and they were in agreement with him. “Oh,” is all I said.
Well, a couple of days later Jackie came to the hospital, loaded me up, and drove me to my new home. All of a sudden the hospital seemed like the best alternative. I’m not so sure I wanted to leave. Even though I had been so distraught after Charity’s death and had wanted to give up, I’m not sure that heading to the “Home” is what I had in mind for my final days.
We arrived here at eleven and were greeted by the administrator and the other department heads. There was a pile of paperwork to fill out, and they asked so many questions that my head started to spin. It felt like I was being interrogated by the FBI. They wanted to know all my likes and dislikes in regards to diet and bathing and daily routine. They wanted to know my medical history, my family history, and life history. Lord, it was endless! They brought us tea and sandwiches and some cookies to munch on as we continued right through lunch. I think it was around one-thirty before the questions ended. I was exasperated.
Then the director of nursing brought a wheelchair for me, and she took Jackie and me on a tour of the building. There were several floors and a basement. We saw the laundry room, dining room, activity room, the living room, and then finally we arrived at my bedroom. The D.O.N. had introduced us to many staff members and other residents as we went along, but there were just too many new faces and way too much to absorb to remember anything. It was all too overwhelming!
In my room we found the few things Jackie had brought for me. Someone had taken them there for me while I had been detained in the office. There was a box of pictures, a box of knick-knacks, and a couple of suitcases containing my clothes, toiletries, and my favourite quilt. It seemed like a pretty small representation of my life.
I guess it’s human nature to want to accumulate a lot of material things. I still owned a whole houseful. There was all my furniture and appliances, dishes and silverware, books and paintings, towels and linens, and, of course, the rest of my clothes. The more time I’ve put behind me it seems that I have more stuff to bring with me.
I’d had some of those things most of my life, and that part of the accumulated collection held a lot of sentimentality for me. I had a couple of side tables in the living room that had belonged to Ma and Pa. They had been in the parlour of the old farmhouse all the years of my childhood, and I still had the dresser Pa had made for me when I was a little girl. I had a corner china cupboard that was Royce’s mother’s, and there was the beautiful solid maple bedroom set that Logan had ordered for us when we got married. Those things weren’t just furniture; they were memories, sweet memories. They represented very wonderful times in my life. Times that were still very dear to me.
Considering my new circumstances, the most of it was unnecessary, but I felt like I was in mourning over the loss. My heart ached to know my home and those things were no longer part of my daily existence. At least, not at that moment. Was I ready to part with them? I told Jackie I wasn’t sure. I needed time to think on it. Maybe, just maybe, it would be possible to go back home in the spring. I needed more time before I could give the go ahead to sell my house and the rest of my things. That decision would have to wait. I had money enough to get by on till I had a better idea as to where my future was headed.
We hung up my clothes in the closet and put all my toiletries away in the washroom. We hung some of the pictures on the wall and put some on the bedside table. Then we found a place for the knick-knacks. That all helped to put a little more life in the drab living space. It looked a little more colourful anyway, and it was nice to see familiar faces smiling back at me from those picture frames.
Jackie told me that she and Jacob would be back the next day to bring me my television and TV stand. She said there was space enough to have my dresser and reclining chair and a few of my plants to brighten up the room. The thought of having my favourite chair to sit in and my TV to watch helped to cheer me some.
After Jackie left, and I was sitting alone in my room, I looked around at my new surroundings. I had seen it before when I came in earlier, but I had not really taken it all in. Other than the quilt and the few things I had brought from home, everything was an off-white shade. I couldn’t help but think, oh, how institutional! This was my new home. Probably, my last home. This would be my final stop on the green side, so to speak. It would take some time to get used to, if I ever could. It wasn’t at all like my house.
I’d spent over fifty years in that little house. Logan and I had moved there after switching homes with James and his growing family back in the early fifties. That was just before Logan retired and turned Ashton’s over to the boys, James and Jacob. Yes, I had lived there for over half a century. I did the most of my living there. I had hoped to die there. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I’d never be going back. I couldn’t give up hope, but yet, there was a gnawing pang way down deep in the pit of my stomach that told me some things just aren’t meant to be.
I remember thinking how lonesome I suddenly felt. There I was in that great big building that housed near two hundred souls, along with the multitude of staff members that were working all about, and I felt so alone. Maybe abandoned was the more appropriate term. I was surrounded by strangers. Everything was so unfamiliar and uninviting.”
“Oh, Gran,” Beth said, in a sympathetic tone. “What a terrible ordeal. I’m sure it must have been a very difficult day! Mom didn’t mean to make you feel like she had just dumped you off, though. She would never abandon you. Did she know that you felt so distraught?”
“No, dear, I didn’t say anything to her. I was trying to be brave. I didn’t want to burden her any more than I had. My head was still spinning from all the questions. Part of me just wanted to be left alone with my own thoughts. So much had happened so fast. I was trying to make heads and tails of it all. I needed to think things through.
It seemed like it had been just yesterday when I got back home from the hospital after breaking my hip. Oh, how very happy that had made me. My heart had sung with the anticipation of finally being home. I had been so thankful for eluding this place, but here I was. How did it happen? Why? What would become of me now? I knew it was no longer up to me. I had lost everything. Everything that I had held so dear I had had to leave behind. It was all back in my home. Christmas was only a few weeks off, and I was going to be stuck here. I started to cry. Tears welled up in my eyes, overflowed, and ran down my face. I just felt so lost!
In the weeks that followed, I would also come to realize I had left my privacy, my dignity, and my humility at home as well. I figured my sense of humour would be my only saving grace. If I could only figure out where I had put it when I had unpacked. I knew that it would come in handy for sure.”