1910
I had taken to walking through the park every day. I was still weak from my prison stay, though I was getting stronger every day, and Agnes warned me not to do too much, but I told her the fresh air made me feel better.
‘Just the fresh air that you’re after, is it?’ she’d said, teasing.
I’d turned away so she couldn’t see me flush.
‘Just the fresh air,’ I’d assured her.
But of course it was Joseph I was interested in. Even though I knew my infatuation could come to nothing. Had to come to nothing. I looked out for him each time I wandered past the duck pond, and eventually my patience was rewarded when I saw him – wearing his own clothes this time, and strolling along the path.
‘Miss Whitehouse,’ he said, his face breaking into a wide smile when he recognised me.
I couldn’t help but smile back. ‘Constable Fairbanks.’
‘Please call me Joseph,’ he said. ‘I’m off duty.’
‘Then you must call me Esther.’
‘Are you on your way anywhere in particular?’
‘Just out for some air.’
‘It’s not really the weather for a walk,’ he said, looking up at the grey sky. A fine drizzle was falling and I had no umbrella.
I met his eyes. ‘And yet, you’re out walking too.’
He let out a sudden guffaw of laughter, which made me laugh too.
‘Why don’t we sit for a while in the bandstand?’ he said. ‘If you have time?’
‘That would be lovely. I am in no hurry.’
We climbed the steps to the bandstand and sat on the bench, grateful for the shelter it provided. I took off my hat and shook it, watching the drops of rain fly in all directions, and then wiped my damp face with my hand.
‘You are rather pale,’ Joseph said, sounding concerned. ‘Are you cold?’
I was shivering. ‘I’ve been ill,’ I lied. Half-lied. For I supposed I had indeed been ill, even if it had been self-inflicted.
Joseph took off his coat and put it round my shoulders and I pulled it round me.
‘Better?’
‘Much, thank you. Shan’t you be cold without it?’
‘A big strong policeman like me?’ he said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Not a chance.’
I giggled, which surprised me slightly because I was not the sort of woman who giggled as a rule.
Joseph looked at me with fondness. ‘So tell me about yourself, Miss Esther Whitehouse. What’s your story?’
For the tiniest fraction of a second, I considered telling the truth.
‘When my father died he left my mother with enormous debts and no way to pay,’ I would say. ‘I felt helpless and furious, and my mother was weak and resigned to her fate. I found a home with the WSPU who looked after me and made me see there was another path for women but I was arrested for breaking a window and taken to Holloway, where I went on hunger strike and was released early. I don’t regret any of my actions and I would do it all again if I had to.’
‘Esther?’ Joseph snapped me out of my daydream, a concerned look on his face. ‘Esther? Are you ill?’
I shook myself. ‘I’m sorry, I was miles away,’ I said. ‘My story is rather dull, I’m afraid. My father died and my mother and I do not often see eye to eye, so I left my job as a schoolteacher and took the live-in position as governess for Agnes’s children.’
‘And do you enjoy it?’
‘I do. The children are a delight. I find it endlessly fascinating to see the world through their eyes.’
Joseph smiled at me. ‘I think you would make a wonderful mother one day.’
I bristled, slightly, at the suggestion. Was I not of value already, even though I wasn’t a mother? I decided the best thing to do was change the subject. ‘What about you, Constable Fairbanks? What made you join the police?’
Joseph looked thoughtful for a moment, then he smiled at me again and I had to admit, the way he gazed at me made my insides feel very peculiar – but in a pleasant way.
‘I wanted to be noticed, I suppose,’ he said. ‘I’m the middle one in my family – two older brothers who are thick as thieves and two younger. I was always a bit lost.’
I nodded. ‘Like Meg,’ I said. ‘I try to give her special attention because she’s sometimes overlooked.’
‘Lucky Meg,’ Joseph said and I felt my cheeks burn again.
‘It can’t always be easy, being a copper,’ I said, trying to cover my nerves.
He shook his head. ‘It’s definitely not easy. Sometimes it’s messy, or even frightening.’
‘Sometimes do you have to do things you don’t want to do?’
‘Like what?’
I shrugged. Really, I wanted him to say he was a passionate supporter of votes for women and he didn’t like to arrest suffragettes but I wasn’t going to admit that.
Joseph took a breath. ‘Way I see it, is I don’t make the laws. Some of them are right and some are probably wrong, but it’s not my job to decide that. It’s just my job to make sure everyone’s doing right. It’s the only way to make the world work as it should.’
Slowly I nodded, hoping that the laws he thought were wrong were the laws that said women couldn’t vote. I should ask him, I knew that, but somehow I couldn’t force the words out.
He reached out and took my hand and I let him, feeling as though it were completely normal to be sitting here, hand in hand, with a police officer who probably worked alongside those who’d arrested me. Who’d probably done his own fair share of arresting my WSPU friends. This was madness, surely? But then again, maybe he had a point when he said it was just his job to uphold the laws. Perhaps he wasn’t the enemy?
I didn’t pull my hand away.
‘Esther you look dreadfully serious,’ Joseph said, studying me. ‘What on earth are you thinking about?’
I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said nothing.
‘Are you thinking about what you might have for dinner?’ he guessed.
‘Mrs Oliver has a cook,’ I said, beginning to smile. ‘So I just eat what I’m given.’
‘Maybe you’re secretly a music hall star and you’re thinking about tonight’s performance?’
‘You’ve never heard me sing.’
‘Bad?’
‘Very bad.’ I was giggling again. And Joseph was laughing too.
‘Are you an engine driver and you’re wondering which route you will have to take tomorrow?’
I rolled my eyes.
‘That’s it,’ I said, laughing properly now. ‘You’ve discovered my secret. I tuck all my hair into my cap and pretend to be a man named Ernest. You mustn’t tell anyone you know the truth.’
‘Your secret is safe with me,’ he said.
I felt happier sitting there laughing with Joseph than I’d felt in years. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed properly and it felt nice.
‘I have to go, Ernest,’ Joseph said. ‘Can we meet again tomorrow?’
‘I can’t tomorrow, I have the children all day and then …’ I trailed off. I had a WSPU meeting in the evening. ‘Mrs Oliver needs me after dinner.’
‘The next day then?’
‘I could do late afternoon? The children will be having their music lessons then.’
Joseph looked delighted.
‘I will finish work at four o’clock so that would be perfect. If you give me Mrs Oliver’s address, I can call for you. She might want to meet me?’
‘No,’ I almost shouted, and then checked myself. ‘Mrs Oliver will not be at home, Mr Oliver will be at work, and the children will be busy. It’s probably better if I meet you here.’
‘Then that’s what we’ll do. We can have a stroll by the pond if the weather is good.’
‘I’d like that,’ I said, realising that I genuinely would. This funny, awkward, upstanding young man seemed to have wormed his way into my affections despite my trying to stop him.
Like a gentleman from a novel, Joseph lifted my hand and kissed it. I looked at him curiously and he laughed again.
‘Is that not right?’ he said. ‘I’ve never done it before. I thought it would be nice.’
‘It was nice.’
We looked at each other for a long moment, me feeling that squirming, liquid feeling in my stomach again, and wondering if he felt the same. Then he grinned.
‘Got to go or I’ll be in trouble with the inspector,’ he said.
‘Goodbye, Joseph.’
He blew me a kiss as he sauntered away, hands in pockets, looking very pleased with himself.
‘Goodbye, Ernest,’ he called.