I was still shaking when I got back to school. I parked on the road and skulked round the back, hoping that as it was lunchtime I could sneak into my office without seeing anyone. I couldn’t face Paula’s enthusiasm at the moment, and winced at the thought of having to let everyone down.
‘How was it?’ Paula’s cheery voice stopped me in my tracks as I crept along the corridor.
I turned towards her, and she took one look at my face and lost her smile.
‘Oh bloody hell,’ she said. She took my arm and steered me into my office, sat me down at the desk, and shut the door.
‘Spill.’
‘I honestly don’t know where to start.’
‘Was it that bad?’
I let out a mirthless laugh. ‘However bad you think it was, multiply it by ten and you’re getting close.’
She leaned across the desk and took my hand. ‘Tell me, or I can’t help.’
‘I don’t want to,’ I groaned. ‘I don’t want to have to say the words.’
‘Let’s go step by step,’ she said. ‘You arrived?’
‘It was fine when I arrived,’ I began. I took her through the beginning of the meeting, right up until the Texo team came in, along with someone from the company handling the investment.
‘What?’ Paula demanded. ‘What did they do?’
‘It wasn’t what they did, but who they were.’
‘Who were they?’
‘A woman called Vanessa from Texo,’ I said. Paula looked blank. ‘And Danny.’
It was vaguely gratifying to see Paula looked almost as shocked as I had done.
‘Danny?’
I nodded, lips pinched together tightly. ‘Danny.’
‘Why was he there?’
‘His company is finding investors for the development of the school site.’
Paula’s jaw dropped.
‘And let me tell you,’ I carried on, getting into my stride. ‘He’s very good at his job. Excellent, in fact. His financial projections for the money the council can make from developing this ramshackle building are eye-watering. There’s no doubt that he’s signed Elm Heath’s death warrant.’
‘Shit, Lizzie,’ Paula said. ‘You didn’t know?’
‘Of course I didn’t know. He did half-heartedly attempt to tell me something at your party the other day, and he rang me just as I was going into the meeting, but he didn’t try very hard to confess.’ I put my head in my hands. ‘I feel like such a bloody fool.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ Paula said. But she didn’t sound very sure.
‘I don’t know what to do next.’
Paula shrugged. ‘We carry on.’
‘What’s the point?’
‘It’s not a done deal yet, is it? You said they weren’t making the decision until March.’
‘No, but Paula, the money involved is crazy. I just don’t see how they can turn it down.’
‘It’s not all about money.’
‘But it is. In the end, it always comes down to money. We can’t compete with that.’
I felt exhausted at the thought of even trying.
‘Did you speak to Danny?’
‘Ha, no,’ I said. ‘He chased after me in the car park but I wouldn’t stop.’
I dropped my head into my hands again and looked at Paula through my fingers.
‘I almost drove over him.’
She smiled. ‘Sounds like he deserved it.’
I smiled back. ‘He did.’
‘But seriously, Lizzie. Danny’s not a bad guy. You should talk to him.’
‘You’ve changed your tune. It wasn’t so long ago you were warning me off him.’
‘I just think there’s probably more to it.’
‘He said he was only doing his job,’ I said. ‘Which is exactly what Grant said when he was found to have faked SATs results, and tweaked budgets, and whatever else he was up to.’
‘Ah.’
‘What?’
‘Do you think you’re projecting a bit?’
‘No. What does that even mean?’
‘I mean maybe you were so hurt by Grant that a whiff of Danny doing something similar and you go off on one.’
I sighed. ‘That would make sense. And I wish it was what happened. But the horrible truth is that Danny is right in the heart of the team that’s going to ruin all our hard work. He’s working out all the finances that are going to make it impossible for Blyton Council to keep Elm Heath open. And he did all that while he was pretending to have feelings for me.’
‘I don’t think he was pretending about that,’ Paula said. ‘I saw him at New Year. He’s smitten with you.’
‘Doesn’t matter, though, does it? Because even if he’s totally in love with me, he’s ruined it by lying. I can’t be with him now.’
Paula shook her head. ‘I suppose not. God, Lizzie, what a mess. Are you going to be okay, seeing him round the village?’
Up until then, I’d mostly been angry. Furious, in fact; feeling a sort of impotent rage. But now, at the thought of carrying on with my life around Elm Heath for the few months until the school closed, seeing Danny every day, I simply dissolved. I just crumpled right there at my desk, into loud, gasping sobs.
Paula looked horrified. ‘Oh my goodness,’ she said. She leapt up from her chair, crouched down next to me and gathered me into her arms.
I laid my head on her soft shoulder and cried into her baby-pink cardigan.
‘It’s going to be fine,’ she soothed. ‘It’s all going to be fine.’
Eventually, after an embarrassingly long time, I managed to get myself together, or at least control the huge honking sobs so they were more just hiccups.
‘Sorry,’ I said, blowing my nose. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Paula stood up, putting her hand on her lower back as she did. ‘Ooh, that’s not as easy as it used to be,’ she said. She put her hand on my arm. ‘You’ve got through worse than this before. You’ll do it again. We just do what we have to do, don’t we?’
Like the clouds had cleared and the sun had come out, I had a sudden realisation. I didn’t have to do anything.
I looked at Paula. ‘I’m going to resign,’ I said.
She gasped, theatrically, putting her hand to her mouth. ‘No, Lizzie.’
‘It’s the only thing I can do, Paula. You said yourself, it’s not going to be easy seeing Danny around every day.’
I nodded, mind made up.
‘It’s so early in the term, I bet I could hand my notice in now and still be allowed to leave at half-term. You can take over until the summer. It’s right that you take charge for the end of Elm Heath.’
‘Oh, Lizzie, that’s not what I meant at all. What about the rally? And the final meeting of the council?’
‘You should still go ahead with the rally,’ I said. ‘It’s a fitting celebration of the school.’
‘Please don’t make any decisions today. You’re understandably upset and angry, and you shouldn’t act without thinking about it for longer.’
I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it again. Paula was right.
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I agreed.
The bell rang and I winced. ‘Shit, I’ve got to go and watch year three’s assembly,’ I said. ‘Do I look awful?’
Paula screwed her nose up. ‘Bit blotchy and tear-stained,’ she said. ‘I’ll do the assembly if you like. I’ll take the reception kids along – they’ll enjoy it. You wash your face and get yourself together. Have a think about what you want to do next.’
I nodded, grateful, and Paula headed for the door.
‘For what it’s worth, I think you should stay and fight. But I’ll understand if you decide to go. I’ll be sorry, but I’ll understand.’
She headed out and closed the door behind her, leaving me in silence. I sat for a moment, drumming my fingers on my desk. Then I got up and wandered round my office, looking at my corn dollies on the shelf and the framed picture Mum had made me.
Esther Watkins gazed at me as I paced. I looked at her.
‘What would you do, Esther?’ I said, knowing full well that someone who was willing to go to prison for a cause she believed in wouldn’t run away at the first sign of trouble. I walked over to the wall and studied the portrait, noticing for the first time that the frame was cracked along one side.
‘I should get that replaced before I go,’ I murmured. I reached up and unhooked the frame from the wall. It was heavier than I’d expected and as I braced my arms under its weight a shriek from the playground made me jump. The picture overbalanced and toppled face down on to the floor, and I heard the glass smash.
‘Oh bloody hell,’ I said.
I bent down and carefully plucked the frame from among the broken shards. The back board came off in my hands. Gently I laid the pieces of wooden frame and the back on to my desk and peeled the photograph away so it didn’t get damaged. And to my surprise, underneath was an envelope, yellowed round the edges but still in good condition. It had no name on the front but I could feel it had something inside. Intrigued, I left the broken glass on the carpet, and sat down at my desk. I slid my finger under the seal and carefully pulled out the paper inside, smoothing out the pages, and I took a sharp breath as I realised the address at the top was Orchard Farm, where Esther had stayed and where she’d had the inspiration to start Elm Heath Primary.
‘Dear Joseph,’ the letter began.